My baby Drew is gone...

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We had a horrible windstorm last night - and it was raining for a bit. Its been COLD (for us) too.

I woke up during the middle of the night and couldn't help thinking about your comments about the Santa Anna winds. For a while, I laid in bed and cried over Drew....how I wish she was still here...how unfair it was that you weren't able to see her and hold her. Robin pointed out that the wind came from the NW and it was almost as if she came back to visit us and chase all the bunnies around as they were out on the backyard (and then terrorize Robin's kitty by scaring her with big wind gusts).

I'm still feeling very numb right now. I can laugh about memories of Drew....but I want to cry all the time. I wonder if my world will ever be right again.

Art came into the office today and changed some things around - Robin had already moved Drew's pen so it was in a different position. Art moved Morgan closer to Mallory & Madilyn (and no fighting - I'm in shock). I think that having the office rearranged a bit is helping - now at least I don't walk in and expect to see her in her pen because of the way things are changed...and that helps.

Rosie- we'll get through this. I don't know how - but I've been down this road this year more times than I want to count....we'll make it.

Peg
 
Oh Peg...I'm so sad...

It's been a weird day...for a couple hours, I'll be doing rather good...then it'll hit just out of the blue, and I'll be crying all over again, and want to retreat to sleep. I've already napped once today, and I'm actually resisting doing it again.

It's odd, too, because nothing really happens to spurn me into grief and sadness again...it just happens, and all of a sudden, I'm feeling as though my heart is being shredded all over again.

I know it'll take time, and I know that I have an issue with expecting too much from myself...but at the same time, I have to do school...and yet don't have the ability to concentrate on anything.

I find myself getting deeply lost in thought...I go into the bathroom and don't come back out again (it's really the only place I can be really alone), and Danny has to come in and distract me to bring me back out again. I just sit and think and think and think...all these thoughts haunting me...mostly the question of WHY??

That's the thing that keeps coming back...WHY?? I just don't understand the purpose for all this sadness, for feeling so horrible and lost...I just don't get what good this could possibly serve.

This isn't how it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to come home to me, at least for a day...just so I could say hello to her...just ONCE!!

I keep trying to read on the forum, and post this or that, but then suddenly feel so lost and upset all over again. This forum has always been such an uplifting comforting place for me...but right now, its the one place that just doesn't make me feel better, but tends to make me feel worse...and it's terribly confusing.

I'll sit and talk to people in Messenger for a bit, and then, out-of-the-blue find that I want to just leave the conversation, without any explanation at all. I just don't understand it.

I find that talking to you right now, Peg...I feel not so alone. I've talked to Leanne (Spring), Sophie (MsBinky), Ali (JadeIcing), and others...and I love ya'll to bits...but I always feel less alone when I'm talking to you about it, Peg. Laura (MyBabyBunnies) and I have talked frequently over the past couple days, and are helping each other through our pain, too.

It's just so unfair...and is so difficult to understand...she was so special and wonderful...why did she have to leave, Peg?? It's not fair!

:sad:
 
Oh Rosie,i really feel awful and very sad for you..i know that it's not fair!..and i know that you must be justso sodevestated to have not gotten to meet your little girl :(

I'm really so sorry Rosie,and Peg

cheryl


 
Today is weird...just like yesterday, I awake to find I'm doing okay...

But like yesterday, I'm sure the overwhelming sadness will take over...and I'll find that once again, I cannot talk to people or hold a decent conversation...or post in anyone's threads.

So I thought I would watch youtube kitty videos, look at the Can Has Cheezburger site, etc. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive during the time period they can actually BE positive.

We have our weekly D&D game on Wed night...I told Danny, "Yeah, sure, let's go ahead and play" not because I feel I'll be stable enough emotionally, but more because I'm sick of callous comments, and will be sufficiently lacking care in my words' effects that I'll say what they need to hear.

Danny told our friend and biz partner, Ivan, about Drew's passing...what did he do? Mere minutes later showed Danny a video game he just got where someone uses a bun to beat up someone else...graphic, senseless, and VERY rude of him...because he was showing it as a funny thing. And Danny could only say, "Do you REALIZE how insensitive you're being right now?!"

Thankfully I wasn't there...I literally would've decked him...

I cried with Danny before falling asleep last night...we just talked for a while about the whole thing. He's been such a tremendous, perfect support through this...really shows me how perfect he is for me, and how perfect a decision it was to marry this wonderful man. He's had nothing but sensitivity, respect, concern, comfort, and love for me through this...and not ONCE has he made me feel like my grief was unfounded.

When you called, Peg, and I handed the phone to him (because I knew, and just couldn't hear that she was gone), and he grabbed a tissue and wiped some of his own tears. I'm quite sure that he's grieving for her, too...all the missed opportunities to give her love. He's bonded a lot with SweetPea, you see...and she actually quite noticably prefers his hand for pets over mine..which is something that's a first around here. Not that he doesn't love the animals...he loves them VERY much...but SweetPea has hit him in a different way than the others have. I think through that, he's come to truly understand how I feel about them.

How are you doing today, Peg?
 
maherwoman wrote:
Danny told our friend and biz partner, Ivan, about Drew's passing...what did he do? Mere minutes later showed Danny a video game he just got where someone uses a bun to beat up someone else...graphic, senseless, and VERY rude of him...because he was showing it as a funny thing. And Danny could only say, "Do you REALIZE how insensitive you're being right now?!"

He's been such a tremendous, perfect support through this...really shows me how perfect he is for me, and how perfect a decision it was to marry this wonderful man. He's had nothing but sensitivity, respect, concern, comfort, and love for me through this...and not ONCE has he made me feel like my grief was unfounded.
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You definately have a keeper there ;)

:hug:hugs to both of you and let me know if I can help either of you at all.
 
The healing has definitely begun for me, though I expect that the pain I feel in losing my baby girl will never fully go away.

I still mourn for my heart kitty that I lost eleven years ago, KeyKat...I suspect losing Drew will be the same...

BUT...the healing has begun, starting last night, as you can read about here.
 
I went to bed last night and fell asleep and woke up about 30 minutes later in tears and I could barely catch my breath - thinking about Drew and missing her so badly. I guess I'd been dreaming about her.

I was suprised to have it hit me so hard.

I think her death is harder for me than Ginger's was (in some ways) because I saw Ginger's health decline. Drew just "sneakses" away from us so fast...I didn't have time to prepare.

I am still angry at myself and hurting over the fact that she passed away in Robin's lap while I was in calling Rosie. I wanted to be with her...that is hard for me to let go of (but I am trying).

Peg
 
I don't know if it helps, but I'm right there with you, Peg.

Last night, as you know, we had our D&D game...well, Danny came home stressed from work, and asked me to order a pizza, and I guess I gave too many options, so he kinda lost it...and then I REALLY lost it...and we argued a bit, and then I just broke down, realizing just how much of this I've kept inside. Danny told me point-blank after I blew up (because of pent up energy from keeping my grief contained too much) that he would rather me just let it out than keep it all contained and BLOW UP at any little pressure.

My poor friend Aaron, who's barely 21, was here, helping Danny clean for D&D (helping Danny with his jobs...not doing my own), and was kinda shocked at seeing me just blow up at the turn of a dime. He's never seen me like that, but he understood. Danny let everyone know before they got here (when I wasn't around, so I didn't realize they knew) about Drew's passing and that I was VERY VERY upset about it, but keeping myself level in general. Our DM (basically the head person of the game) bought me some Green Machine juice (my favorite) to try to cheer me up, and out of sympathy. He's not had buns before, but he's had pets, so he understood what I'm going through...

I didn't mention Drew all night, but did ask them to be patient and warn them I might be low on patience in general...and let them know had a really really horrible week. I didn't know that by that time, Danny had already let them know about it...and asked for them to just be gentle.

So, last night was rough...and I would up crying myself to sleep a bit, hugging my "Drew" stuffy and thinking of my baby...

I see everyday getting just a tiny bit better...but time won't bring my baby back...and even though I do have my Harley boy, I do still miss Drew and cry about my sweetie being gone...
 
I have already lit one for my Drew baby, both in the group and in a few other places...

I am now lighting a few more...

Thank you so much, Ali...:pink iris:
 
I was looking back through this thread and realized that we really hadn't posted any pics of Drew here (thanks Amy for the one you posted).

Its still sort of hard to look at her pictures and to think she's not here. Last night I burst out crying about 8 pm and I realized it was because it was EXACTLY a week ago to that moment that I'd been on the phone w/ Rosie laughing about how Drew was getting better and spitting the food out one side of her mouth as I tried to get some in the other side. She'd take about half the syringe full and then spit out some and look at me and smile and then she'd take some more - and then spit some more out. It was almost like a game with her.

I wish I'd gotten more pictures of her while she was here...but here are some of them...






























I was going to add videos - but I just can't bring myself to look at them right now - I'm sorry....

Peg
 
I hope my lack of posting pictures here doesn't give the impression that I've moved on, or no longer mourn my baby...it's quite the opposite.

I still haven't been able to venture into her folder to look at her pictures. I'm afraid of my own reaction, and don't think I can handle it.

I WILL have to find my favorite picture to put on her memorial...so I will be forced to look here soon...but until then, I just can't handle it.

I still burst out crying, too, Peg. I've had so much going on to sufficiently distract me from crying all day and night, and Harley has really helped me to start healing...but I'm still so, so sad...

I've had to tell various people (bun people) I know about what happened, because a few of the things I had been involved with got dropped...but it was so hard, and they wanted to talk about it, and I found myself having to cut the conversation short because I just can't handle it yet.

I was so sad on the way home from doing the transport yesterday, because a big part of me feels like I let four beautiful babies slip through my fingers...and felt like there were four more that would never enter my family...and I know a BIG part of that was from feeling the same about Drew. I cried on the way home from dropping them off...I was so sad...

But I am reminding myself to take one day at a time.

Things with us are going so well, that I don't want to miss out. We're getting tons of work, making loads of money, doing so so well...being able to pay things off that we've had to look the other way on for so long...

Yet, there's that undeniable underlying sadness I cannot escape...that continuing thought of, "All this...and without my baby girl...she'll never get to experience this life with us..." I know that when we move, I'll be sad for a few days for leaving the home I last had the dream of her coming to us in...and I know I'll cry when the boys come home, for want of having my baby girl there with them. Heck, I'm crying RIGHT NOW just thinking about it.

She touched so many areas of our lives, didn't she, Peg? It's amazing how a little girl that never made her way here can still manage to touch so many parts of my life, and be such a big part of everything. All the planning I'd been doing for bunny-safing our future home was mostly for her, for her craftiness and ingenuity in figuring out how to get here or there to get into trouble :)))...and now I feel like all that thought was wasted...even though I know that I'll still have to do it because I know Harley has her same spirit (thank GOD...I so needed to still bring home a firecracker, lol).

Harley has literally saved me...I was falling into depression so fast...I'm glad you and I talked about it, and were able to figure out who to bring home to me. I don't know what would have happened to me if we hadn't done that...it worries me slightly to think of it...but thankfully it didn't happen.

So...all that to say...I miss my Drew so much still...I haven't even been able to post those pictures of the boys. It really saddens me that they'll have to live without their little sister...:(

Love to all,

Rosie
 
Knowing that Harley is going to you is helping me too. I frequently will go in there in the mornings and talk to him about California and how he's going out to be with the California girls. I know he will be so good for your family.

I also go in and hug Harriet in the garage and thank him for not calling out to you in the picture....because I would have sent him to you if he did. In fact, I told Art that yesterday and he was like, 'You sent her pictures of Harriet and you would have given him up???' and he was so surprised.

Now to get used to calling "Quinn" (aka "QBall") Harley...

Peg

maherwoman wrote:
Harley has literally saved me...I was falling into depression so fast...I'm glad you and I talked about it, and were able to figure out who to bring home to me. I don't know what would have happened to me if we hadn't done that...it worries me slightly to think of it...but thankfully it didn't happen.
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I'm so happy him coming home to us is helping you, too.

And how cute...getting used to him being Harley now. :)

You are such an amazing friend, Peg...I am so blessed...:)

TinysMom wrote:
Knowing that Harley is going to you is helping me too. I frequently will go in there in the mornings and talk to him about California and how he's going out to be with the California girls. I know he will be so good for your family.

I also go in and hug Harriet in the garage and thank him for not calling out to you in the picture....because I would have sent him to you if he did. In fact, I told Art that yesterday and he was like, 'You sent her pictures of Harriet and you would have given him up???' and he was so surprised.

Now to get used to calling "Quinn" (aka "QBall") Harley...

Peg

maherwoman wrote:
Harley has literally saved me...I was falling into depression so fast...I'm glad you and I talked about it, and were able to figure out who to bring home to me. I don't know what would have happened to me if we hadn't done that...it worries me slightly to think of it...but thankfully it didn't happen.
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I've talked to you on MSN quite a bit since the passing of our babies but I haven't posted in this thread. Despite knowing the pain that these losses bring, the words of sympathy still manage to escape me. :(

I am so glad to hear that you are bring another into your life and I'm sure he will be loved.

Binky free Drew.:cry4:
 
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