juicyjuicee
Well-Known Member
ha so cruel..
Jokes
- Thread starter Carolyn
- Start date
Help Support Rabbits Online Forum:
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gonethrough the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for deadgoldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm being serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my bestlizard-healer__expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies." "What?" ! my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them toreproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in mymost loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teethtogether).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. Ishrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be awondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracleof birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with! a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like atiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "Wedon't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
So we drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizar! ds do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to meis one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernieis a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, likemost male species, they um.....um.... masturbate. Just the way he did,lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you ! know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron..."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that thewoman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawlessmanliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that..I'm picturing you pulling on it's...it's...teenylittle...." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Lizards - $140... 1 Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's p*cker..... Priceless
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm being serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my bestlizard-healer__expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies." "What?" ! my son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them toreproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in mymost loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teethtogether).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. Ishrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be awondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracleof birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with! a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like atiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "Wedon't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
So we drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizar! ds do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to meis one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernieis a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, likemost male species, they um.....um.... masturbate. Just the way he did,lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you ! know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron..."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that thewoman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawlessmanliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that..I'm picturing you pulling on it's...it's...teenylittle...." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 Lizards - $140... 1 Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's p*cker..... Priceless
cirrustwi
Retired Moderator
A guy sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The man sitting next to him starts telling him how wonderful the bar is:
Man 1: See that chair over there? It's actually from the Titanic.
Man 2 seems impressed.
Man 1: And the bar is actually from the wild west bar where Billy the Kid hung out.
Man 2: Wow!
Man 1: And that window over there, it's magic. You can jumpout of it and you will fall 2 stories and then spring back up into thewindow.
Man 2: There's no way that could work.
Man 1: Watch me.
So Man 1 Jumps out the window and he falls down 1...2 stories and hesprings back up into the window. Man 2 decides to tryit. He jumps out and falls 1...2....3...4....5 stories andsplat! He hits the ground.
Bartender to Man 1: Superman, you sure are an @ss when you are drunk.
********************************************************************
This one's true:
Bill went to Boot Camp at Parris Island. Upon arrival, theDrill Sargent comes and begins telling them about being a Marine,including addressing themselves as "This Soldier". Billraises his hand. The Drill Sargent asks what hewants. Bill asks "May I go to the bathroom?" TheDrill Sargent replies "Soldier, I left when you arrived on thisisland." Bill's response, "Sir, that's impossible, you'restanding right in front of me."
Man 1: See that chair over there? It's actually from the Titanic.
Man 2 seems impressed.
Man 1: And the bar is actually from the wild west bar where Billy the Kid hung out.
Man 2: Wow!
Man 1: And that window over there, it's magic. You can jumpout of it and you will fall 2 stories and then spring back up into thewindow.
Man 2: There's no way that could work.
Man 1: Watch me.
So Man 1 Jumps out the window and he falls down 1...2 stories and hesprings back up into the window. Man 2 decides to tryit. He jumps out and falls 1...2....3...4....5 stories andsplat! He hits the ground.
Bartender to Man 1: Superman, you sure are an @ss when you are drunk.
********************************************************************
This one's true:
Bill went to Boot Camp at Parris Island. Upon arrival, theDrill Sargent comes and begins telling them about being a Marine,including addressing themselves as "This Soldier". Billraises his hand. The Drill Sargent asks what hewants. Bill asks "May I go to the bathroom?" TheDrill Sargent replies "Soldier, I left when you arrived on thisisland." Bill's response, "Sir, that's impossible, you'restanding right in front of me."
irishmist
Well-Known Member
Gender
> > You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
> >
> > 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
> > see right through them.
> >
> > 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
> > them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
> > buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
> >
> > 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
> >
> > 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
> > have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
> >
> > 5) Sponges are Female, because the! y're soft, squeezable and retain
> > water.
> >
> > 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
> >
> > 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
> > up.
> >
> > 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
> > bottom.
> >
> > 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
> > years, but it's handy to have around.
> >
> > 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
> > you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
> > without
> > it, And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
> > trying!
> >
> > 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
> > see right through them.
> >
> > 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
> > them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
> > buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
> >
> > 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
> >
> > 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
> > have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
> >
> > 5) Sponges are Female, because the! y're soft, squeezable and retain
> > water.
> >
> > 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
> >
> > 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
> > up.
> >
> > 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
> > bottom.
> >
> > 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
> > years, but it's handy to have around.
> >
> > 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't
> > you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
> > without
> > it, And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
> > trying!
Zee
Well-Known Member
Just got this from my Sister. I like No 10
Irish Mist got there before me, SORRY !!!! One or two are slightly different
Code:
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.
FOR EXAMPLE .......
1. FREEZER BAGS:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH THEM.
2. COPIERS:
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM
THEM UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT
BUTTONS ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE
PUSHED.
3. TYRES:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.
4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE
UNDER IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.
5. SPONGES:
FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.
6. WEB PAGE:
FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.
7. SUBWAY:
MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.
8. HOURGLASS:
FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.
9. HAMMER:
MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT
IT'S HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.
10. REMOTE CONTROL:
FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT
GIVES A MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE
DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.
Linz_1987
Well-Known Member
Boots Machine Joke
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think
I'll go and see my Doctor!" His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that.
There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and
cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your wee and
the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."
Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his wee,
went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and
the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash.
After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN
HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was
and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if
the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap
water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his
money.
After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:
YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE
SHOT, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR
DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT
WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W**KING,
YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think
I'll go and see my Doctor!" His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that.
There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and
cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your wee and
the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."
Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his wee,
went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and
the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash.
After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN
HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was
and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if
the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap
water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine
samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his
money.
After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:
YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE
SHOT, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR
DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT
WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W**KING,
YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Linz_1987
Well-Known Member
I love this picture. It is so great!
I LuV MaH BuNs
Well-Known Member
'Nuff said...
I LuV MaH BuNs
Well-Known Member
Poor laptop!!
I LuV MaH BuNs
Well-Known Member
SQUSIH
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
Wow! I hope that's a girl, considering the size of that dewlap!
Laura
Laura
BunnyMom
Well-Known Member
WOW! Is that a BIG bunny!:scared:
Zee
Well-Known Member
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover :star:[/b]
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept inyour own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in therewith you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover :star::star:[/b] [/b]
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You maylook okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of astapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is onlyexacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Englishbreakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you arecosting your employer valuable money because all you really can handleis some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writingjunk e-mail's.
3 star hangover :star::star::star:[/b]
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because theperfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did withyour alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with adozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 SausageRolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover :star::star::star::star:
[/b]
[/b]
You have lost the will to live. Your head isthrobbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can'thide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed anoh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up onwhile riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Youreyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like areject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - hometime, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so youcould go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your bossdoesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dogjust died because you look so pathetic. You should havecalled in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do isbreathe... very gently.
6 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]
[/b]
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you know, you're going tochuck. That Kebab you ate earlier has done you nofavours.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating wallsknocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before youspontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with yourimpersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the onlyfriend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing tomake the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usuallycomes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leavingyou there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptionshave died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won'trelent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourselfinside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouthon the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting upfor the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses youagain for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in yourhair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for thenext two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
[/b][/b]
1 star hangover :star:[/b]
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept inyour own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in therewith you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover :star::star:[/b] [/b]
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You maylook okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of astapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is onlyexacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Englishbreakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you arecosting your employer valuable money because all you really can handleis some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writingjunk e-mail's.
3 star hangover :star::star::star:[/b]
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because theperfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did withyour alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with adozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 SausageRolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover :star::star::star::star:
[/b]
[/b]
You have lost the will to live. Your head isthrobbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can'thide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed anoh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up onwhile riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Youreyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like areject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - hometime, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so youcould go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your bossdoesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dogjust died because you look so pathetic. You should havecalled in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do isbreathe... very gently.
6 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]
[/b]
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you know, you're going tochuck. That Kebab you ate earlier has done you nofavours.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating wallsknocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before youspontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with yourimpersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the onlyfriend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing tomake the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usuallycomes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leavingyou there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptionshave died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won'trelent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourselfinside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouthon the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting upfor the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses youagain for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in yourhair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for thenext two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
[/b][/b]
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
Zee,
I'm sitting at my desk, trying to stifle my laughter, with tearsstreaming down my face. I think I pee'd my pants.This is hilarious. I'm having flashbacks of my former, singlelife.
Laura
I'm sitting at my desk, trying to stifle my laughter, with tearsstreaming down my face. I think I pee'd my pants.This is hilarious. I'm having flashbacks of my former, singlelife.
Laura
Zee
Well-Known Member
:rofl: I couldn't help by laugh when myaunt send it to me. I'm trying to remember which number I wasthe last time I was out (not that long ago)
Laura wrote:
Laura wrote:
onnie
Well-Known Member
:rofl:LMBO Zee nice one'i remember those day's lol
Zee
Well-Known Member
I couldn't find anywhere else to put this, so the jokes with do.
[size=[font="Courier New"]FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986[/font]][/size]
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,those of us who werekids in the 60's, 70's and early 80'sprobably shouldn't have survived, because ourbaby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-basedpaint which was promptly chewed and licked? Wehad no childproof lids on medicine bottles, orlatches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When werode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride incars with no seat belts orairbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water fromthe garden hose and not from a bottle and ittasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding anddrank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we werenever overweight because we were always outsideplaying. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottleor can and no-one actually died from this. Wewould spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and thenwent top speed down the hill, only to find out weforgot the brakes. After running into stingingnettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leavehome in the morning and could play all day, as longas we were back before it got dark. Noone was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, nomobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, noInternet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ballreally hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, andbroke bones but there were no law suits. We had full on fist fights butno prosecution followed from other parents. Weplayed chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid ofthe owners catching us. Wewalked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school;we didn't rely on mummy ordaddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We madeup games with sticks and tennis balls. We rodebikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of aparent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheardof...They actuallysided with the law. This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problemsolves and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been anexplosion of innovation and new ideas. We hadfreedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how todeal with it all. And you're one of them.Congratulations! Pass this on to others who havehad the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyersand government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of youwho aren't old enough, thought you might like toread about us. This my friends, is surprisinglyfrightening......and it might put a smile on yourface: The majority of students in universities today were born in1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife notBilly Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley,Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has alwaysbeen only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they wereborn. CD's have existed since they were born.Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has alwaysbeen round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be agod of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossibleare films from last year.They can never imagine life before computers. They'll neverhave pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or theFamous Five. They'll never haveapplied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe ablack and white television ever existed. And theywill never understand how we could leave the house without a mobilephone. Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playingcomfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about thegood Old days, repeatingagain all the funny things you have experiencedtogether.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it tosome other friends because you think they willlike it too... Yes, you're getting old!!
[size=[font="Courier New"]FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986[/font]][/size]
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,those of us who werekids in the 60's, 70's and early 80'sprobably shouldn't have survived, because ourbaby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-basedpaint which was promptly chewed and licked? Wehad no childproof lids on medicine bottles, orlatches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When werode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride incars with no seat belts orairbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water fromthe garden hose and not from a bottle and ittasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding anddrank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we werenever overweight because we were always outsideplaying. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottleor can and no-one actually died from this. Wewould spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and thenwent top speed down the hill, only to find out weforgot the brakes. After running into stingingnettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leavehome in the morning and could play all day, as longas we were back before it got dark. Noone was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, nomobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, noInternet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ballreally hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, andbroke bones but there were no law suits. We had full on fist fights butno prosecution followed from other parents. Weplayed chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid ofthe owners catching us. Wewalked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school;we didn't rely on mummy ordaddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We madeup games with sticks and tennis balls. We rodebikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of aparent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheardof...They actuallysided with the law. This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problemsolves and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been anexplosion of innovation and new ideas. We hadfreedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how todeal with it all. And you're one of them.Congratulations! Pass this on to others who havehad the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyersand government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of youwho aren't old enough, thought you might like toread about us. This my friends, is surprisinglyfrightening......and it might put a smile on yourface: The majority of students in universities today were born in1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife notBilly Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley,Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has alwaysbeen only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they wereborn. CD's have existed since they were born.Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has alwaysbeen round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be agod of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossibleare films from last year.They can never imagine life before computers. They'll neverhave pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or theFamous Five. They'll never haveapplied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe ablack and white television ever existed. And theywill never understand how we could leave the house without a mobilephone. Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playingcomfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about thegood Old days, repeatingagain all the funny things you have experiencedtogether.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it tosome other friends because you think they willlike it too... Yes, you're getting old!!
onnie
Well-Known Member
LOL'Zee i've just revisited my teenage years:laugh::brat:
Zee
Well-Known Member
Being a Brighton Girl, I remember those years very well !!!!
As long as I keep getting good ones like that from my aunt, I will post the good ones here.
As long as I keep getting good ones like that from my aunt, I will post the good ones here.
