bunnylover78642
Well-Known Member
THESE ARE GREAT!! It is fun to listen to them!! (well, not really listen but read)
Jokes
- Thread starter Carolyn
- Start date
Help Support Rabbits Online Forum:
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for herdate with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother justpitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother issitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explainsto her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is justnot appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening.
dajeti2
Well-Known Member
What a nasty visual Gypsy. As I hold my sore tummy from laughing so hard.
Here's one a friend sent me to cheer me up and boy did it ever.
Tina
Here's one a friend sent me to cheer me up and boy did it ever.
Tina
awwww Itdidnt come thru Theres littlered x's on it ( phooey ) .
dajeti2
Well-Known Member
I wonder why it did that. I think I fixed it.
Here are some more jokes.
Think Before You Speak!
Have you ever spoken and wished thatyou could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawlinto a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids intow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. Myhusband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golfballs. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of thegood-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he couldhelp me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I likeplaying with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store thatsold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the displaycase, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sisterstarted to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-redand walked away. To this day, my sister has never let meforget
Have you ever asked your child aquestion too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problemswith potty training and I was on him constantly. One day westopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. Itwas very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, Ismelled something funny, so of course I checked myseven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Dannyhad not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he neededto go,and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that childhas had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have anaccident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have hadan accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, Iasked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" Thistime he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over andspread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! Hecalmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feelbetter by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow butdon't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, theday after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to theweatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised melast night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crewdid too they were laughing so hard!
Tina
m.e.
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2004
- Messages
- 3,252
- Reaction score
- 0
I'm just reading this post now...
can't....breathe....*gasp*....sides....hurt....
Anyway, here's a pretty good one that was actually read recently inchurch (yes, church
), and it was too good not share...
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is anE-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst jobexperience contest. Needless to say, she won.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had abad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it'snot so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with afew technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottomof the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time ofyear the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece ofequipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan,and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when Iget to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it downthe back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It'slike working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started toitch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose outfrom my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what hadhappened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped itinto my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfishcouldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actuallygrinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the divesupervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions wereunclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were alllaughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I wasinstructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stopstotalling thirty five minutes before I could reach the surface to beginmy chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears oflaughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told meto rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put thefire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollenshut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about howmuch worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
can't....breathe....*gasp*....sides....hurt....
Anyway, here's a pretty good one that was actually read recently inchurch (yes, church
), and it was too good not share...Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy:
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is anE-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst jobexperience contest. Needless to say, she won.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had abad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it'snot so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with afew technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottomof the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time ofyear the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece ofequipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan,and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when Iget to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it downthe back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It'slike working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started toitch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose outfrom my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what hadhappened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped itinto my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfishcouldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actuallygrinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the divesupervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions wereunclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were alllaughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I wasinstructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stopstotalling thirty five minutes before I could reach the surface to beginmy chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears oflaughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told meto rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put thefire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollenshut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about howmuch worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
Here's one. I can't remember it word for word, but:
On Easter Sunday, the pastor asks all the children to come downfront. He tells one little girl how pretty her dress is andputs the microphone down to her and she replies, "Yeah, but my mom saysit's a b**** to iron".
On Easter Sunday, the pastor asks all the children to come downfront. He tells one little girl how pretty her dress is andputs the microphone down to her and she replies, "Yeah, but my mom saysit's a b**** to iron".
For those that like bathroom humor ...
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/1920
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/5938
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/1920
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/5938
dajeti2
Well-Known Member
Laura wrote:
Iwould have died lol.
Tina
ME,
Carolyn, That Is Sick and Wrong Girlfriend. It is funny though.
Iwould have died lol. Tina
ME,
Carolyn, That Is Sick and Wrong Girlfriend. It is funny though.
"Dogs? What Dogs?"
READ this whole thing before looking at the picture.
Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can
find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPG file. Read the text
below before looking at the picture.
Typical comments by people taking the test:
1. "I couldn't see a dogs and I stared at the picture for a good 10minutes."
2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to stareat acertain spot and then everything comes into focus, but itnever happenedto me. I'll give it another try later."
3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"
4. "There is a dog in this picture? Where?"
5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this picture."
Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason. The following are average times for men and women:
Women - 12.46 minutes
Men - 1.23seconds
Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots. Good luck and happy hunting!
READ this whole thing before looking at the picture.
Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can
find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPG file. Read the text
below before looking at the picture.
Typical comments by people taking the test:
1. "I couldn't see a dogs and I stared at the picture for a good 10minutes."
2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to stareat acertain spot and then everything comes into focus, but itnever happenedto me. I'll give it another try later."
3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"
4. "There is a dog in this picture? Where?"
5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this picture."
Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason. The following are average times for men and women:
Women - 12.46 minutes
Men - 1.23seconds
Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots. Good luck and happy hunting!
Stephanie
Well-Known Member
Facelift
A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The "Knob," where asmall knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned totighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of severalyears, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with twoproblems. She tells him "All these years, everything has been workingjust fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I'vealways loved the results. But now I've developed two annoyingproblems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knobwon't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts. "
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The "Knob," where asmall knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned totighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of severalyears, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with twoproblems. She tells him "All these years, everything has been workingjust fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I'vealways loved the results. But now I've developed two annoyingproblems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knobwon't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts. "
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to
keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she
searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly
frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!
He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me and you won't be sorry." The old
lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So she
bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me. You won't be
sorry." So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy,
handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know
what the old lady turned into?
*
*
*
*
*
*
THE FIRST MOTEL SHE CAME TO!
keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she
searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly
frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!
He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me and you won't be sorry." The old
lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So she
bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me. You won't be
sorry." So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy,
handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know
what the old lady turned into?
*
*
*
*
*
*
THE FIRST MOTEL SHE CAME TO!
Midnight01
Well-Known Member
Carolyn wrote:
LOL carolyn thats good, i found the dogs!!!!.........idont get it....lol im just kidding, ill post some when i get home frommy friends ^^
LOL carolyn thats good, i found the dogs!!!!.........idont get it....lol im just kidding, ill post some when i get home frommy friends ^^
dajeti2
Well-Known Member
I looked and looked and looked and I never saw any doggies. Awwand I bet they were cute too. Oh Well, I'll keep looking.
These jokes are getting funnier and funnier. I SO LOVE this thread. This is the first one I check now.
Tina
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
I forgot about my favorite:
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper exclaims, "You have a drink named Murray?!!!"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper exclaims, "You have a drink named Murray?!!!"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
bunnylover78642
Well-Known Member
These jokes are great!! Hehehe... I had to printout the one with "I can't find the doggies" for all my friends. Theycouldn't find the doggies for about 5 min.
i`ve got a joke.There are two old ladies.theyhave been sitting for five hours,and one says''my butts asleep''.the other one says''yeah,I can hear it snooring''.
jeremy
jeremy
ariel
Well-Known Member
ApollosBro wrote:
LOL Jeremy I'm going to have to remember that one!! I liked it LOL I know a few people who have snoring butts from time to time!
LOL Jeremy I'm going to have to remember that one!! I liked it LOL I know a few people who have snoring butts from time to time!
Jenniblu
Well-Known Member
The Chicken Coup
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL ofthese chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me havethe two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race youaround the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over theentire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the youngrooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of thefarmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porchwhen he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun andBOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes hishead and says, "D**n it... thirdg*y rooster Ibought this month. "
Remember the quote: Age, experience and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition. -- author unknown
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL ofthese chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me havethe two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race youaround the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over theentire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the youngrooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of thefarmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porchwhen he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun andBOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes hishead and says, "D**n it... thirdg*y rooster Ibought this month. "
Remember the quote: Age, experience and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition. -- author unknown
