Jokes!

[JadeIcing]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor,
"when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it,
and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball
stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

 

[JadeIcing]

Some Valentine's poetry for you all

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other

-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

****, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[JadeIcing]

"The Revenge of Anguished English", Richard Lederer's fifth book on
accidental assaults on the English language, has been released, and is
hilarious. Here are a few examples:

From: "Classy Kiddisms":

The kindergarten teacher asked her students what color they would get
if they mixed blue and yellow. A little boy immediately shouted,
"Green!" The teacher impressed with the quick response, asked the boy
how he knew. "My mommy puts the blue stuff in the potty and when I do
pee, it turns green."

Ray's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The
firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked
the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Ray's hand shot up and the
firefighter called on him. "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready."

From: "Blessed be the Children":

A little girl stared questioningly at her grandfather. Finally she
asked, "Grandpa, were you on Noah's Ark?" The grandfather replied with
a slight chuckle, "Of course not." Then the girl asked, "Then how come
you didn't drown?"

A teacher was explaining the story of Noah and his ark to her young
students. She asked the class if they thought Noah did a lot of fishing
during the flood. "No," said a bright boy, "he only had two worms."

From: "Super-duper Student Bloopers";

Someone who runs for an office he already holds is called an
incompetent.

The four gospels were written by John, Paul, George, and that other
guy.

From: "Playing Politics":

"My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have
people from every planet . . . On the earth in this state." – Gray
Davis, former governor of California.

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
woman." California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." –
President Gerald Ford

From: "Making Sport of English":

"If I'd have hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer." - Yogi Berra,
while playing in a golf tournament.

"Leo Label has been playing with a pulled stomach muscle, showing a
lot of guts." – Jim McKay

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in
football?" – Stuart Hall

From: "Not a Prayer":

Reverend Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish
plastered.

The minister said that the church widows were a disgrace to the parish
and that it was time somebody washed them.

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, even
though he diets, yet he shall live."

"From: Law and Disorder":

Q. "And, Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in
this case, was the young lady pregnant?"
A. "The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my
examination."

Q. "Who are you living with?"
A. "My parents."
Q. "Did you have any siblings with you at the time?"
A. "Just my brothers and sisters."

From: "Prescriptions for Trouble":

The patient had no recollection of any memory loss.

The patient states that diarrhea runs in his family.

Before his admission, patient was found with his wrists cut by his
landlady.

From: "Signs That Should Resign":

In a cemetery: Due to the grave-digger's strike, all grave digging
will be done by a skeleton crew.

On a store:
Senior Citizens
Buy One, Get One Free

On a Movie Theater marquee:
Erin Brockovich
Screwed
My Dog Skip

From: "Warning: Loony Labels":

On a package of five-inch fishing lures: Harmful if swallowed

On a public toilet: Recycled water unsafe for drinking.

In a manual for a microwave oven: Do not use for drying pets.

 

[JadeIcing]

From a dear lady on another bunny list...

Carefully handed down from Nikita Dearest:

1. We don't want to be underfoot if you have guests over. They are not accustomed to us and don't watch where they step. Keep us safely out of harms way. (Some of those shoes your lady friends wear are *deadly*.)

2. If we want something fermented, we'll have a cecal snack. No spiking our beverages or allowing guests to do so. Remember, we have the priciest d--- vet in the city, and we're not afraid to make you drag us down there again. Same for party snacks; be generous and buy us our own, like cilantro, and don't feed us anything that will make us look as pathetic as a hungover human the next day with tummyaches.

3. There are no renowned rabbit pyrotechnics artists. How could this be... oh, that's right, we don't like them! Any cave will suffice, but hiding underneath your bed would be our favorite place to hide while you humans are busy exploding things.

4. Just because you want to sleep in on 1/1 does not mean we do. Tuck us into bed with plenty of extra hay and water so we can eat a respectable breakfast at a respectable time. Unless you want to set an alarm clock for 6 am and feed us properly, which we are also willing to accept.

5. Buy generous amounts of champagne for your guests; it's guaranteed that they will see an errant pootie or two while at your house, but with the right amount of inebriation, they might not be able to remember that...

 

[Elf Mommy]

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,

he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells.


"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

 

[JadeIcing]

LOVE IT!

 

[slavetoabunny]

:roflmao:

 

[Pet_Bunny]

:hbunnysmell:

 

[Pet_Bunny]

A nun, badly needing a washroom walked into Hooters.
The place was hopping. Occasionally the room went dark, and everybody would cheer.
The nun asked if she could use the ladies' room.

"Sure," said the bartender. "But there's a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf."
The nun said she'd simply have to look the other way.

As she returned from the ladies' room, the whole place applauded.
"Why are they applauding me?" she asked.


"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue." the bartender explained, " the lights go out."

 

[Elf Mommy]

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Q: How do rabbits travel?
A: By hareplane.

Q: What is a bunny's motto?
A: "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Q: What is a rabbit's favorite dance style?
A: Hip-Hop!

Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
A: On their bunnymoon!

 

[Pet_Bunny]

Organic Diet?

Can't eat pork ... Swine flu.

Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu.

Can't eat beef ... Mad cow.

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella.

Can't eat fish ... Mercury poisoning.

Can't eat vegetables ... Insecticides.

Can't eat fruits ... Pesticides.

All what's left ... Chocolate and Ice Cream. :biggrin2:

 

[NorthernAutumn]

I could go for some chocolate and ice cream right about now!
------------------------------------------------------------


A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow!"

 

[JadeIcing]

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL's
(the UK's biggest cable TV and ISP firm) complaints department.

Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well
as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my behind
waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website...how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing solitaire
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over
4 weeks) my modem arrived...a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, AND begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%. These are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. In fact, I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this
week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
malarky jugglers.

I have been informed that:
- A telephone line is available (or someone will call me back);
- No telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman), and several other variations
on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important solitaire to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT (a competitor of NTL) was horrible, that they had
attained the holy pot of god-awful customer relations, that no
one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's
why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of jerks you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended intestine, incompetents of the highest order. British
Telecom - jerks though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort
payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these
feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a
small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment
of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a
nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of jerks.

 

[Elf Mommy]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[JadeIcing]

*Mermaid or Whale*



Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan
woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

"THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym..

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable
baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves
with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible
creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved,
protected and admired by almost everyone in the world..

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them. Not
to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I'd rather be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
grandkids, a good dinner with my husband and a coffee/lunch with my friends.


With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I
will think, Good gosh, look how smart I am

 

[NorthernAutumn]

ROFL!
Great one!

Here's another (courtesy of my dad):

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks,?'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers
'What'd you get?'


Joey replied...
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

[Wabbitdad12]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few monthsago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entirecity. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fenceand ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, madefor26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more youhave in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp bigwheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. Iknew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the moweraround the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.


It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.


Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my righthand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mindthe charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture ofan upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is myp***** trying to climb up the frontside of my body.. My ears curled downwards and I could feel thelawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time thatBriggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. Iwas literally at one with the engine.


It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmowerwere fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I begto differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leanedback and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed likethere were minutes in between but in reality it was so close togetherit was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding ontothe fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so Ican't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electricfences.....but Dad always had those pieces of sh** chargers made byInternational or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is nowaccepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex riverbottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just manup and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into aloping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh Godplease die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the roughlumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller camEFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not takeme that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe inthe misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up layingon the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. Itwas later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, andthen another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I wason the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizureand in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a fewthings:


1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think ourlittle session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, becauseit was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking ofthe number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check tomake sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, Ican clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THATgives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me totriple check before I mow.

 

[JadeIcing]

+-------------- Bizarre Real Newspaper Ads ---------------+

3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience
preferred.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.

Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.

Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75
Children $2.00.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing
to travel.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here
first.

 

[kirbyultra]

lol - For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.