Jokes!

Discussion in 'Let Your Hare Down' started by JadeIcing, Sep 12, 2007.

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  1. Aug 29, 2017 #161

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    A bullfrog goes to a bank and asks for a loan, but all he has for collateral is a ceramic elephant Unsure of what to do, the loan officer, Mr. Paddywag asks his boss for advice. His boss does not hesitate with a reply: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywag, give the frog a loan."
     
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  2. Sep 24, 2017 #162

    Milyvan

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    Just for you Nancy (as I also have been holding those jokes these many years but also have 1 more):

    Astronauts land on an alien planet and see herds of little round furballs all scurrying in one direction. (No, they weren't after craisins. :p ) Curious, they followed them into a cave where there stood a 9' tall furball with a hypodermic needle on it's head.

    "Are you the leader?" One of the astronauts asked.

    Came the reply "No. I'm the furry with the syringe on top." (The Surrey With the Fringe On Top)

    If you got this, thank a senior! :)
     
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  3. Sep 25, 2017 #163

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    I have a lot more, too, but the wife said to take it easy on everyone here!
     
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  4. Dec 29, 2017 #164

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes a large portion of noodles into his bowl, and tops it with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Meanwhile, Luke is using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping food all over. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
     
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  5. Dec 29, 2017 #165

    samoth

    samoth

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    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

    The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

    The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

    The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

    The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

    The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

    The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.

    The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.

    The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.

    The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"

    15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"

    The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."

    The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"

    The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dean, to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cat Theorem:
    A cat has nine tails.
    Proof:
    No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

    :):):)
     
  6. Jan 5, 2018 #166

    Nancy McClelland

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    A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast at Christmas time. After looking over the menu he orders eggs Benedict. When his breakfast arrives,iti's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "what's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
     
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  7. Jan 6, 2018 #167

    Whiterabbitrage

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    :laugh:
     
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  8. Jan 10, 2018 #168

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    The Pope dies, and goes to heaven, of course. He waits in a very long line to talk to St Peter. When he finally makes it to the head of the line, Peter shakes his hand and welcomes him to heaven. Next, Peter shows him to his simple little room and tells him he's very busy and that they can talk later when things settle down. After a while he hears a great deal of noise and goes outside where he see's Peter loading up a guy into a gigantic limo, drives him up to meet God on his throne and then drops him off at a huge mansion. Later when he meets up with Peter he questions him about what he saw. In life I was the Pope and new all the important people on Earth but I didn't recognize that guy, so, why such lavish treatment? It's like this says Peter, we have lots of Pope's here, but he's our first lawyer!
     
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  9. Jan 10, 2018 #169

    Milyvan

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    Nancy, you forced me to do this: I was holding it back but can't any longer. :p

    2 brothers died in a car crash and one -Frank Sam- went to heaven while the other -Sam Frank- went to hell. After many centuries God told Frank Sam he'd been not only exemplary but also his harp playing had pleased Him greatly so he'd grant him a wish.

    "Well, I'd really like to visit my brother" Frank Sam said. God agrees, telling him to go ahead but be back in 6 hours.

    Frank Sam gets down there and his brother's running this amazing discotheque. Everysoul there is dancin' & jammin' & just having a helluva time. (Punintended.) Frank Sam is jammin' along having such a great time he loses track of it and suddenly realizes he's late. Bidding his brother a hasty adieu he races back to heaven.

    There stands St. Peter, looking upset. "Frank Sam, you're late!" he exclaims. "And where's your harp?!?"

    "I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco."
     
  10. Jan 10, 2018 #170

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    Bob, Bill and Jim are riding their motorcycles on hiway 1. They pull out to pass a car on a blind hill and are hit by a truck and killed. They wake up, in Hell, with the Devil standing over them. He tells them that it is getting quite crowded here, so, if they can give him a task he can't perform he will let them resume their life on Earth. Bob looks around and sees a boulder as big as a house so he bets the Devil he can't pick it up. The Devil picks it up and tosses it out of site and into the pit goes Bob.Bill nervously looks around and sees a river of lava, so he tells the devil to make it flow backward. The devil snaps his fingers, the lava flows backward and Bob goes into the pit. The Devil looks at Jim who has a huge grin on his face, and reminds him of how serious this is and he doesn't want to join his friends in the pit. Jim looks right at old Scratch, lifts his leg, and lets loose with a loud fart. He then tells the devil, "catch that and paint it green!" Milyvan and the devil made me do it--and there's almost 7 decades of this kind of corn stored between my ears!
     
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  11. Jan 11, 2018 #171

    Milyvan

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    I've been sharing this one everywhere I go and everyone has gotten a good laugh from it. TY!
     
  12. Jan 11, 2018 #172

    Aki

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    After the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of Notre-Dame advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. The bishop is incredulous : "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" "I can, says the hunchback. We have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is, so I can show you." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. "Show me your skills, then", says the bishop.
    The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his face. Sure enough, he rings the bell beautifully.
    So despite his misgivings, the bishop hires the hunchback.

    Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, he decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his face, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out the belfry window to the street below.

    As a crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street, the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.

    A policeman arrives and asks: "Bishop, who was that man?" The bishop replies sadly: "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."
     
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  13. Jan 12, 2018 #173

    Milyvan

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    :laugh:
     
  14. Jan 12, 2018 #174

    Milyvan

    Milyvan

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    I've not seen these 2 quickies here so.......

    How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

    How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way. Unique up on it.

    :eyeroll:
     
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  15. Jan 13, 2018 #175

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    :lalalala:
     
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  16. Jan 14, 2018 #176

    Whiterabbitrage

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    Please keep these jokes coming. They make my day!
     
  17. Jan 15, 2018 #177

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    A man gets a diagnosis from his Doctor that he's got cancer and only has a month to live. He loathes all of his relatives and doesn't want to leave them anything. He sells all of his possessions and goes to see a priest, a baptist minister and a Rabbi. He extracts a promise from all three that if he gives them each a third of his money that they will put it in his casket just before he's buried, so in essence "he can take it with him." At his funeral, they all place an envelope in his casket, which is then closed and interred. Since they all know each other, they were talking after the burial and all shared what they had done. The priest said he felt bad as he held back $5,000 as there were a lot of poor in his parish. The Baptist said he held back $10,000 for the same reason. The Rabbi shook his head, told them that he was ashamed of them for not keeping their promise, and that "He wrote him a check for the full amount!"
     
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  18. Jan 16, 2018 #178

    Milyvan

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    A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

    The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
    "Cool!" says the man, "But what if I can't reach them?"

    "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
    "No, but thanks anyway. The steaks are too high."
     
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  19. Jan 22, 2018 #179

    Milyvan

    Milyvan

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    Adam is moping around the Garden of Eden when God asks him what's wrong. Adam says it's great and he loves it but he's lonely. So God creates Eve.

    After Eve's been around a few days Adam is meandering through the Garden again when God asks if everything's ok.

    "Well, it's Eve. Why did You make her so lovely?"
    "That's so you'd love her, My son."

    "Why did You make her skin and hair so soft?"
    "That's so you'd want to touch her and be with her, My son."

    "Ok, but why'd You make her so dumb?"
    "That's so she'd want to be with you, My son."
     
  20. Jan 22, 2018 #180

    Nancy McClelland

    Nancy McClelland

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    John was riding his motorcycle home from work one night, and when he came around a corner he spotted the Orphanage on fire and burning. Without any hesitation, he swung into the parking lot, jumped off his bike and ran into the burning building several times to rescue children. Once the fire was out and he was ready to leave, he heard a loud, booming voice coming from above. The voice was God's and told John that since he was a good and selfless person that God would grant him a wish. John thought for a couple of minutes, and then stated that he always wanted to ride his bike to Hawaii but there needed to be a bridge built. God told John he could do it, but it would use up a lot of the Earths' resources, so was there maybe something else he'd like that was less wasteful. John thought for a minute and then siad, "I'd like to be able to understand women!" God then replied, "would you like 2 lanes or 4 lanes?"
     
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