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A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass , OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
 
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon- toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross- e yed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the t hird girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away . Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her...'
 


The Blind Bunny


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over


a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.


'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny.
'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'


'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?'


'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.

Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,

and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.
You must be abunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him,

and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'



The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,



'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...


You must be a POLITICIAN'​
 
CAGUN PREGNANCY

Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."
 
Some thing else that made me fall about laughing.Seamus

Three little ducks go into a Bar...

[] [] []

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
and what's your name?'

' Dewey ,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey ! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie ?'

[]

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'
 
Here's one you might like.

The Polite way to Pee.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners ,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, howwould you tell Her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' & the
teacher responded bysaying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'llbe right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at thedinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shakehands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to
afterdinner. '

The teacher fainted
 
*MY PRIVATE PART DIED*
>> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
>>
>> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
>>
>> Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
>>
>> 'Yes, Nurse ,' said Mr. Wallace.
>> 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
>>
>> Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
>> crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
>> condolences. '
>>
>> The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
>> Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
>>
>> He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
>> down the hall like that.
>> Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
>>
>> 'But, Nurse Trac y I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
>> yesterday that my Private Part died.
>>
>> 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
>> out of your pajamas?'
>>
>> (You've gotta love this ...)
>>
>> *'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'*
>>
>>
>>
>> *IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU*
 
Whether Democrat or Republican,you shouldget a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds thatthe baby has severely
soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep ****.
----------

The value of a
Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student
in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher,(a Nun) called on her while she was
sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jee!sus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...' What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and
shouted, 'If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll
break it in half!'

The nun fainted..... ......

 









The Afterlife



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred? '

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course.
I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again. '

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset .


​
 
How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the **** cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.
 
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to my attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" Phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b****.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f***ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh***ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with Georgia.
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f***ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f***?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*** it, I'm on salary!

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
 




Important Health Advice For Women


]http://soyouwanttobeabanquetmanager.blogspot.com/2008/11/important-health-advice-for-women.html



Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits ofChardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay. Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.









 
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
Our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
Arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, but then scoots back into the house. We
Didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
Eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
My wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty
For the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
Said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I
Had to
Poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
Off, so I grabbed
Her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
Scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
The back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car........
 
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