BlueGiants
Well-Known Member
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I was laughing so hard, I almost fell off my chair! Good thing the boss was out! Thanks for a few good laughs!
Jokes!
- Thread starter JadeIcing
- Start date
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JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
State Slogans
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000, 000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000, 000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar
is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he
responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar
is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he
responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want
a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck.. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
says "The airbag."
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want
a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck.. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
says "The airbag."
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough
to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy,
I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep
tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose
watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying
that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic
here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as
far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that
some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked
off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would
happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up
in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough
to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy,
I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep
tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose
watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying
that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic
here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as
far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that
some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked
off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would
happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up
in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
polly
Well-Known Member
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back andinform the other of the afterlife.Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
>
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to hisword he made contact,"Mary. Mary........"
"Is that you, Fred.........?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like........?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, offto the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I havesex twice.Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sexpretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again.Then have sex until late at night.The next day it starts again."
>
> "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
>
> "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
>
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to hisword he made contact,"Mary. Mary........"
"Is that you, Fred.........?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like........?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, offto the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I havesex twice.Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sexpretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again.Then have sex until late at night.The next day it starts again."
>
> "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
>
> "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
timetowaste
Well-Known Member
polly wrote:
L O L
Bo B Bunny
Well-Known Member
:roflmao:
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Bubba, Cooter and Gomer were best buds.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first,and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer ; said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first,and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer ; said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Dating in 1957
It's the summer of 1957, and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy, with his own car and a 'Ducktail' hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, 'Whaaaaat?'
'Yes,' says Peggy Sue's mother. 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up, and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids!' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back in to the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother......
'Dammit Mom....it's the Twist!...... It's called the Twist!'
It's the summer of 1957, and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy, with his own car and a 'Ducktail' hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, 'Whaaaaat?'
'Yes,' says Peggy Sue's mother. 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up, and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he has revised his plans for the evening.
A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids!' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back in to the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother......
'Dammit Mom....it's the Twist!...... It's called the Twist!'
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Some folks have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall nots' in the Ten Commandments.
Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.
The Southern Ten Commandments
( actually posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan , Ky. )
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another feller's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin ' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day
Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.
The Southern Ten Commandments
( actually posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan , Ky. )
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another feller's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin ' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
'IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Stop Lights Timed for r 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
------------------------------------------
==============================
-----------------------------------------------------------
====================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------
===========================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'
And then thefight started.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
'IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Stop Lights Timed for r 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
------------------------------------------
==============================
-----------------------------------------------------------
====================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------
===========================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'
And then thefight started.....
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. After a while, the priest
turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi
responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The
priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is
still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi
then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi,
on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking,
for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi
said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. After a while, the priest
turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi
responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The
priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is
still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi
then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi,
on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking,
for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi
said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
New Terms
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America--- Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Georgians, North Carolinians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore. ...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. '
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. '
11 She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. '
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America--- Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Georgians, North Carolinians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore. ...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. '
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. '
11 She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. '
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '.
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Today, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Abraham and Lincoln
In Trivia
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by three names. Both names contain fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And last but not least... A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot; he was in Marilyn Monroe.
In Trivia
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by three names. Both names contain fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And last but not least... A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot; he was in Marilyn Monroe.
JadeIcing
Well-Known Member
Subject:Five surgeonsFive surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best Patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them Up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think
Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
Order
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeleschim es in: 'You know, I
Like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you
Have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DCshut them all up
When he observed : 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
Operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and
No spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them Up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think
Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
Order
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeleschim es in: 'You know, I
Like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you
Have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DCshut them all up
When he observed : 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
Operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and
No spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable
Elf Mommy
Well-Known Member
some of mine may be repeats because I haven't read through the entire thread, but thought I would contribute some, since my aunts and uncles and mother in law always send me jokes in email. 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Elf Mommy
Well-Known Member
Hospital chart bloopers - actual writings from hospital charts!
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Elf Mommy
Well-Known Member
On my 63rd birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After
being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman,
and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a
potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is
powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you
have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the
medicine from working?' Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman
responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon.'
I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Janette to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Janette was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.
The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After
being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman,
and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a
potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is
powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you
have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the
medicine from working?' Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman
responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon.'
I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Janette to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Janette was excited and began
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.
