your words touch me, all of them so deeply.
i broke down last night, more then i had right after his death. it was hard, i knew he was sick, and couldn't help him. i felt like i had failed him. he had been there so many times when i was sad, when i was in pain, that i was feeling like i hadn't been there.
after many tears, a few slapping wake-up calls from my roommate (and i wouldn't tell you how many shots. . .) it hit me: i loved herman, i still do. but there was some other plan for him, and it said that right now, he had done what he needed to do with me. i got a second chance at life with him, hoping for a third would be more then selfish.
many of you know that herman and winnie were rehomed last december. after being gone for a month, herman and winniewere jumped to a handfull of different homes, and ended up at midwest rabbit rescue. thankfully the people at midwest were so willing to work with me on getting them back, as that was all herman and winnie wanted, to be back home now. i can't imagine what winnie would be going through right now if herman and still gotten sick, and still had died, and if they were at the rescue still, like so many bunnies are.
but i wanted to thank everyone for the kind words, for letting me know that you hugged your buns when i (and so many on RO right now) can't.
i wanted to post this quote from a pm that i sent someone on the afterlife comment on made on my original post, as i have had a couple pms about the subject (don't worry mods, all nice pms. . .)
"it has always been hard for me to talk about death with people because i truely don't believe in heaven or hell, i don't know what lies after death, after all, i have never died, but if there is another world after we pass, i can only hope that it fits to whatever you believe (if you believe in heaven, why shouldn't you go there when you die, if you believe that our souls all become bugs after we die, why shouldn't that happen).
years ago, when trixie died, i wanted there to be more, i pleaded with myself that there was more out there then just this life, because she ment soo much to me, and honestly was the only friend i had in many dark times, during many dark years (basically she kept me alive when otherwise, i would have killed myself. . . just telling myself "you do have someone, you have trixie, what would happen to her if you died, who would care for her?"). after trixie left i was lost, and jumped quickly into owning winnie, believing that i could raise her to be like trixie, and find that love again. stupid, i know. but winnie means a lot to me, and possibly if i hadn't jumping into owning her, i would have had that connection to her i did with herman and trixie. herman was beyond something special to me, words cannot amount to what we had. and this time when i lost him, i didn't hope for something more, but instead i simply know that his purpose in life was accomplished, he helped me to survive, he was there when i went to the doctor, when i took my meds, when i got sick from my meds. i know it is self-centered and possibly wrong to think that herman came only into my life to help me, but i know that was part of it. did he leave to soon? yes, i wasn't ready to say good-bye, i wasn't ready to lose that support. but he touched my life, he changed it, so even if there is nothing after death, i know that he died with greatness to him, because he saved me, just like trixie did.
i feel that it is wrong to have people tell me my rabbit is in heaven, waiting for me, because when i die, i don't plan on being in heaven or in hell. i hope that my life will be good enough to me, that if i die and that is it, i can die happy. that in those final moments, i can tell myself that i had a great enough life to not need anymore. it is hard to fallow, i hope i am making a little bit of sense."
even just 24 hours later, winnie and i am moving on, the numb pain is gone, and we are going to be okay. i have flat out refused to cage winnie ever again, maybe because i know how much herman hated it, or maybe because i enjoy her company way to much as she runs freely in the house. my roommate agrees, jessica(my roommate) has been so strong during this, even when i know she wants to break down as well (herman was close to her as well. . . i was mom, but jessica will always be nanna jessie to the buns). we will not be adding another bunny, unless i feel winnie wants a friend. the pain is just to great to add another right now, and at this moment we are doing fine just the 2 of us.
but thank you again, to everyone for everything.
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