People in relationships, now or in the past

[BethM]

If one person is a stay-at-home parent, I totally agree with all the money being shared. Both people are doing jobs, unfortunately one of those jobs doesn't pay anything. For me, though, that wouldn't work out. We now make sure the joint account pays the utilities and rent. I do make sure the bills are paid, in all actually he never even looks at the statements or anything. But our personal bills are our own responsibility. I pay my car payment from my money, he pays his. If he pays his late or early, that's his deal. *shrug* (I do know that since we're married now, our individual credit scores will eventually affect each other, but it's not my responsibility to send in his car payment. The utilities, however, are in my name- because he couldn't be bothered to set up the accounts- so it's important to me to take care of that.)

For me and Jason, it's important to have our *own* money from our own paychecks. If I want to save up and buy something for myself, that's my deal and he's not allowed to say anything. Right now, he's thinking about building a new computer for himself, which to me seems more expensive than is really worth it, since his current one is perfectly fine, but he's spending his money and it's his decision.

I *know* that if all our money was joint, I would be scrutinized for everything I bought that he considered frivolous, and vice versa. It is better for us to have joint and seperate money.

 

[NorthernAutumn]

When I feel frustrated with Nate, I feel like going quietly around the house and labelling everything that is mine with a piece of masking tape and a Sharpie. Thankfully, the urge goes away. He's had a lot of women take his stuff on him.... if I were to split up with him, I don't want anything that ever belonged to him. Had a similar challange when breaking up with old boyfriends. I get rid of everything they've ever given me, because I can't stand to see it.

I'm one of those people who can pull out a box of assorted Barbie accessories, and tell you exactly which doll it belonged to and all the rest of her outfit. Tiny basic parts to games, etc. Stuff seems to hold a lot of meaning for me, and if I don't like the meaning or even a brief feeling I've had in a piece of clothing/from an item (like recieving a nasty remark from someone), I'll send it to Goodwill.

I also get bothered when I lose a lipgloss on the bus. I've just wasted something that costs like 4 dollars, and it really gets me. I've got the bus lost&found in my address book...:biggrin2:

I pretty much don't even touch Nate's PS3 without asking... I just don't feel ok doing it, because it's his.

I don't think you're selfish, bc that means I'd be selfish I think I'm just a bit over-attached.

Jen, cooking is also a huge issue over here as well. I'm just like you, and find it really frustrating to work so hard on a meal, just to have him turn up his nose. He's not dumb enough to say anything to me, but I can feel it when he's begrudgingly stabbing at the food. As a result of attempting to make the dishes he likes, I've put on about 30 pounds since we've been together... I am really trying to change that now, by making healthy things that I like. I find I go through a whole mental battle before I even start cooking trying to tell myself that I don't care what he likes or not, cause he's not the one cooking.

It's pretty sad... food is so important to me (especially, Mediterranean, Asian, Mexican, Japanese... whatever isn't "normal"), and it's really hard to share a meal without some sort of coercion on my part.

Financially, I'm currently doing 90% of the expenses. He pays his rent half ($300) and car insurance ($30) and some frivolous things , and I do the rest (as I am being supported through University by my parents, who are willing to support him as well). In return, he helps around the house, fixes up the place, and gets whatever odd jobs he can. My folks support us with the intent that we get the highest marks possible, and I'm please to report a solid 90% avg (with a few 97%s on courses) throughout uni. He is doing equally well; thus, schoolwork is our "job" right now. I'm so blessed to have parents like them; all my earnings at small jobs, scholarships, and gov't loans go to them.

I can see opening joint acct for household expenses, and maintaining two separate ones in the future. Won't be changing my last name either!

 

[aurora369]

I've been reading this thread since it started, and I just haven't had time to respond.

I feel so lucky to have the relationship I have with Ryan. We have been dating for 4 years and living together for almost 2. I feel that we have a good relationship.

We get stressed out and grumpy with each other, but for the most part we never argue. We have tons of pre-emptive discussions about how we want to organize our lives together. I find that by talking about things well before they come up, it helps us come up with the best solutions for us before we have to get upset about something.

At the moment, I am still in school and on a fixed income of what I save over the summer, student loans and bursaries. Ryan just finished his degree in November, but he also lost his job in November. So at the moment, he's living off of his severance from being laid off and trying to get on EI (employment insurance).

Currently, we each come up with our own rent, phone bills, food bills, and such. We live with room mates, so the food is worked in with two other people other than us. We do a grocery "pot", all members put in a set amount of money (equally split) at the beginning of the month. Then when someone goes grocery shopping, they bring the bill back, put it in the pot and take the cash to pay themselves back (or someone can take cash from the pot, use it for groceries and just return the change with the receipt).

We all aren't overly picky eaters, and three of us really enjoy cooking (the other is too lazy, but is a good cook when he feels inspired). If one of us cooks, we cook for whoever will be home for dinner. We've found that everything normally balances out, and that no one really gets ripped off, and it's nice to be able to eat anything found in the fridge. If someone buys something that is special, and that they don't want to share, they just write their name on it and everyone else knows not to touch it, but we've never actually seen that happen yet.

The only joint bill Ryan and I have is the car. We split the insurance and the loan payment. Because Ryan uses the car more, he normally pays for the fuel and regular maintenance (like oil changes). That and he was working, so he had more money than me.

Our future financial plan is to have an joint account for joint expenses as well as each having our own individual accounts. So things like food, rent, utilities and any other item we decide to share will come out of the joint account as well as things like saving for a house. But, we're not going to pay 50/50 for join items unless we make the same amount of money. We will put in a scaled portion of the shared expenses based on our salaries. If I make 60% of the joint income, then I will pay for 60% of the joint expenses or vice versa. We don't think it's fair to pay for joint costs 50/50 unless we both make the same amount of money.

We're also pretty liberal with who pays for what on a casual basis. It seems to float between us nicely with no set plan in place. Things like eating out, movies or other fun stuff.

We have co-owned and individually owned property as well. He's got his tools, his computers, and game systems, while I have the bunnies, some furniture, and other small things. However, we share our personal items quite freely but we also respect each others property. If I want to use one of his tools, I have to put it back where I found it and treat it respectfully when I use it. The kitchen knifes are also Ryan's, but everyone in the house uses them. Before anyone uses them, they get instructions on how to use them (always with a cutting board) and how to clean them and make sure they don't get broken.

I am very happy that I live in a household with so much respect. Everyone tends to treat everything with care, as if it where their own prized possession.

I would say the biggest reason Ryan and I get along so well together is mutual respect, communication and empathy. In 4 years, we have not had a major argument, we disagree about things but we either talk to a conclusion or agree to disagree.

I think I've blabbered on for long enough...

--Dawn

 

[kherrmann3]

I'm a "territorial" person. What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours. Will and I have shared things, but anything that I brought into the apartment is mine. It works well for arguments, too, "Get your lazy butt off of MY bed!". It's worked to my advantage a few times. A lot of things that we buy are considered "ours". We have a joint checking account, and we purchase things for the apartment with "our" money. Basically, I am trying to say that we are both ways. I want to have my things, and I do, but we also have "our" things. Most of our things are little stupid things, like DVD's. But yeah. That's about it. Oh! We do "share" our dining room table. Everything else is mine.

 

[Sabine]

I couldn't cope with a relationship where you have a strict divide between mine and yours. David keeps saying the computer is his. Which means the kids aren't allowed to install whatever they want but i have access any time. I am the main bread winner so i pay most bills except for the tv/internet bill , David covers. i mostly pay for groceries, gas /electricity, rent and David pays for treats. I quite like it that way. As it happens I can make the most money in the least amount of time. So it makes sense I work and bring in the cash. I'd happily give up working if David was able to earn as much as I do per hour but until then....