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NZminilops

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I am curious about this, after a long conversation I had with Mathew last night.

He says I'm very much a "this is MINE! That ones YOURS" person, and he hates that about me :?. I don't know if it's a bad way to be or not, but I am. If I've bought something, I think of it as mine, something to treasure. He can use it sure, as he is welcome to use anything of mine, but I still think it's MINE and not OURS.

I think of us as really good friends who share our lives, and love eachother, but I treasure my own stuff and I'm not going to let "me" become too much of an "us" and lose myself.

I feel that way about anything from towels to my computer. I don't know what it is or why but I want to have some sense of independence I guess, and that just because I'm in a relationship I still want to be me with my stuff. And growing up with a brother who was a bit of a needy crybaby type, I always had to give him my stuff if he demanded to keep the peace. So part of me still feels that someones trying to take over my stuff :p.

For sure, we have "our things" though, that were mine and I think are ours now. My furniture became our furniture, my pets I say are our pets, my crockery and cutlery is ours, my bed is ours, etc etc.

It goes the same way when I think about him though, I think things he buys are his and I am very carefull with them, and if we were to part I wouldn't try and take them.

I have to go now but would love any input. How do you do things? Do you think I'm selfish how I do things?

Michelle
 
When Rick and I were married.. we were very much a this is your and this is mine type couple.

I bought this with my paycheck. You bought this with yours, this is your bill, this is mine..



And yanno where we ended up...

With Squidz.. we're all so tangled up in each other, if we split up, I don't know where I end and he begins and vice versa..

So I guess were just stuck together.
 
I am also a "this is Mine, that is Yours" sort of person.

For me, I think my feelings on this are from two things. First, I am an only child. When I was growing up, all of my stuff was, well, mine. My mom didn't socialize much, so I didn't have a lot of contacts outside my home when I was really young, so there wasn't a lot of sharing there, either. I didn't even go to preschool. (This has had other effects on me, as far as being really bad at interpersonal relationships. To this day, I have one really good friend aside from my husband. And she lives in California. I am really bad at making conversation. Even with my mom, we run out of things to talk about.)

Also, when I was growing up, my mom didn't work for a lot of years, and when she did start working, it was really low-paying jobs, so there was *never* much money for things that weren't necessary. SoI feel now, when I am able to purchase something for myself, it's mine. Maybe that's an unhealthy outlook. My mom and grandma tend to hoard stuff, and I have to battle against that, as well. I make a lot of conscious attempts to purge myself of things that I don't need anymore.

Maybe a little off-topic, but I think those two things sort of combine to make me a little "possessive" of my stuff. Plus, I didn't get married until the age of 33!

There are definitely things that are "mine." I get really really upset when Jason uses the good kitchen knives (that I saved up money so I could have some *good* knives, he didn't pay anything towards them because he didn't care if the only knife that wasn't broken wouldn't actually cut anything) for stupid stuff. Last weekend he used one to cut wax of a bottle of Scotch, which means he was grinding the edge against the glass bottle. Kitchen things, generally, are Mine. I saved up the money, I did research to get the best item at the best price, I use them. If he mis-uses them, I get really upset. Also, we each have a computer, and don't use the other person's without permission. A lot of the time, though, I get really upset because I don't think he respects my things. Maybe he can afford to go out and buy a new set of knives if he screws mine up, but I can't. And I also know he *won't* replace it on his own without me nagging him about it.

Also, as far as food goes, we are almost more like roommates than spouses. I buy my groceries, he buys his. Most weeks, he takes me out to dinner once on the weekend, and I will cook a nice meal for us another night. Otherwise, it's seperate. I get really angry if he drinks my milk. (I spend an extra little bit to get local hormone-free milk, and I only buy enough to last a week. So it's irritating when he drinks a big glass of it and then I run out.) I used to work two jobs, so I wasn't home at dinnertime during the week. Also, he is perfectly happy to eat the SAME MEAL every day of the week, (Frozen chicken nuggets and salad from a bag) whereas I prefer a little more variety and enjoy cooking. He also dislikes several foods I love. This may be a little extreme, but it works for us. (We even have two bottles of olive oil. One is his, one is mine.) Mostly.

Lately, I have been really grouchy because I buy a lot of the things we use together. Dish soap. Toilet paper. Bathroom cleaner. Laundry soap. White rice. However, he makes 25% more money than I do, and has fewer bills, so I'm always mostly out of money before pay day rolls around, and he's just fine. I started doing this because his memory isn't worth a thing, so if I didn't make sure we had toilet paper, we would run out. The one thing he is responsible for is paper towels. We are now almost at the end of the roll, and there aren't more in the closet. I can guarantee we will go without for at least a day before he gets more. I battle with myself, because this seems really unfair to me. But, on the other hand, he did pay for the entirety of our honeymoon, so maybe I shouldn't grouse about buying all the rice.

We did start buying stuff together after we got married, most of it with the money we received as wedding presents. (We didn't register anywhere, and we got married in Hawaii, no reception or anything, only his mom was there.) I still uncomfortable about spending "our" money on something that's for us, mostly because the only people who gave us money were his family. We did get new furniture, a new tv, and some nice artwork for the walls. We set up a joint account, and each contribute part of our paychecks to it to pay the rent and utilities, and we will also now pay for vet bills out of that.

Ok, so I wrote a lot more than I intended! I hope I stayed on-topic at least a little bit. Don't know if I was helpful or not, but you should know that you are not alone!! Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with being this way. But I can say that because I am the same!!
 
Michelle, I'm not exactly sure what you mean... You said you think of things you bought as yours, but consider things like towels and dishes joint property even if you bought them. Do you mean you don't like him using things like your computer or DVDs or books without your permission?

I'm not married but I've been with my boyfriend for closing in on 3 years, and we've lived together for a year and a half. I consider some things to be his and some to be mine (like my lap top, my sewing machine, my animal figurines), but I would have no issue if he wanted to use any of those things for whatever weird reason and he wouldn't need to ask first. A lot of things in the kitchen and living room I can't remember who bought, I think of them as belonging to both of us. Some DVDs I think of as belonging to either him or me, but some we kind of bought together. Our DVDs are all together and we don't ask permission before watching the other person's.

Basically, yes we have some things that we think of as belonging to one of us only, but we don't care if the other person uses them.
 
I had to take a break from my housework to reply. Beth, we are exactly the same!

Zin, I can see where you are coming from too though, it's lovely to be so much a part of someone like that. If I wasn't so annoyed at Mathew breaking stuf I might be able to be more like you :p.

I have "good stuff" that I researched and paid good money for, that Mat wrecks without thought, and it upsets me so much. I've got two really espensive towels, that I got as a luxery for me. I love towels, and I like to have huge thick expensive ones, just two will do, but I like to have them for me. He ruined one the other day and just shrugged :(. There are 23 other nice towels he is welcome to use, and 6 grotty old ones if he wants them for something mucky.

If I get nice things at christmas or my birthday, he uses them all up, like cremes and lotions or shower things. My special girly things that I really love and save for special occaissions, all gone in one messy "man" shower :grumpy:. I NEVER use up his things, never grab his razor and ruin it by using it on my legs. I think there is a lack of respect from him in those areas.

Mathew earns way more than me, more than twice as much, so I too feel that if I saved for something, researched it, took care of it, and didn't ask him to help buy, then it's mine and I treasure it greatly. He's wrecked my really expenive sewing scissors lately too, he used them on some thick wire to cut it up. He wrecked my laptop, my phone, the list goes on.

We do go halves in things and when we do, then I feel much better about either of us potentially wrecking it, because we did share the cost. Like the washing machine, I have no posessive thoughts about it as we went halves. He's never even touched it but if he did that would be fine, and if he wrecked it that would be ok, because he contributed towards it.

Also, I respect the money he earns and never tell him how he can and can't spend it. He earnt it, he slaved out in the sun getting it, so it's all his. He buys what he likes, some really stupid expensive crap that he doens't need, but I don't say a word, and I respect his perchases and treat them nicely and don't touch unless he doesn't mind. I just want the same back :?. And ya know, if I did, he'd rave on about it being his money earnt and spent.

I've even got my own living room, that's sort of embarassing, lol! The dining room in my living room, I've got a comfy big chair, my TV, stereo and PS3 in there.

He's got this habit of buying me something shockingly expensive every now and then, and then making me feel bad about it and still saying it's his if he's in a snotty with me, so I think he's a bit "this is mine, that's yours" as well, he just wont admit it.

I LOVE having my own stuff, it makes me happy. I like to share too. Like you Beth, I grew up with not much. I don't want people thinking I'm majorly selfish and greedy though as I devote a lot of my time to Mathew, he never has to do dishes, vacuum, clean any of his messes or prepare any meals. All I ask back is a bit of respect and to leave my things alone :p, as I do for him.

We've got our own computers as well and I'd hate to think how many viruses would be on mine if he did use it, lol!


 
SnowyShiloh wrote:
Michelle, I'm not exactly sure what you mean... You said you think of things you bought as yours, but consider things like towels and dishes joint property even if you bought them. Do you mean you don't like him using things like your computer or DVDs or books without your permission?
I meant mostly that some little special things I get, I would like to think of as mine, but other things I gladly think are ours. Just some things that were a lot of effort to obtain or have a special sentimental value to me, I wouldn't like to have ruined, or have to give half of if we split, if that makes sense?

I wouldn't care about dividing up things like the furniture and crockery, but my special things like my laptop, my bed linen, my towels, I'd like to keep.

I also didn't exactly mean "asking permission", but lets say, his laptop was a private thing to him, I would respect that and I'd ask if he minded first before I used it. Where-as he willynilly goes through my stuff and doesn't worry whether it's something I'd like to keep personal, or just something I save for special occasions, if that makes sense?

We've been together for 7 years, I've ALWAYS bought the domestic things, we wouldn't have any if I didn't.


To clarify, he has a tendency to break things when he touches them, else it wouldn't be such an issue :p. Many times I run screaming outside to see him calmly cleaning the car wheels with my $30 egyption cotton towels lol!

Mostly the issue right now is my car, he lent me the money to buy it and while I was paying him back our agreement was he could use it to drive to work, well I've long since paid him back and I still haven't got my car :(. I NEED it for dr's appointments, job searching and interviews, doing the groceries, visiting people, but I can't seem to get him to let me have it during the day. It's what started us argueing, he says its both our car, fair enough, it can be OUR car, but that means I should get to use it too.
 
I think a lot of people have the same attitude, like some things are ours and some things are MINE, I know I do! It's only a problem when you have a partner who isn't like that, because I honestly think the mine/ours mentality is more common.

Chris and I have "my things" "his things" and "our things". I would never use his car without asking, since he loves it so much, even though he gave me a spare key just in case. Same goes for his camera, which is one of those new Canon DSLR jobbies and I know nothing about cameras so he doesn't want me messing with it XD
We only use each others' computers if we're in non alt-tabbable games and need to look something up online. Food is mostly joint, I cook for both of us, but he has packets of these specific noodles that he has before work that I'm not sposed to eat, and there's a few other little things like that. I get annoyed when he uses my shampoo, because I have waist length hair and I have to buy this hideously expensive shampoo and conditioner from Lush to keep it looking nice.

A lot of things are separate just because we have some very different interests, like I have a whole closet full of J-fashion, a collection of manga, a shelf of my little ponies haha... I don't think Chris would hesitate to let anyone visiting know that those were definitely mine!

I thought Toby was "ours" but it turns out he's "MINE" Chris tells me XD still his expenses are paid for jointly.

I think things become a lot more joint when one of you is the bread winner. I only work very limited hours so purchases are definitely joint decisions, since it is mostly his money.
 
I can save you! I'll take Toby, then he'll be MINE and neither of yours :p.

I'm starting to think it's more of a respect issue than anything, because I don't get respect from him in regards to things I pay for, it's making me possesive over them :?.

I'm glad I've got so many responses as I've been worrying over this, he's making me feel like I'm selfish and greedy, but I'm not, I just don't want the nice things we have to get ruined. I have to guard them to keep them safe :p.
 
I'm married 10 years. We share an e-mail account, and also are both on our house. But most of our personal stuff is "mine" or "his". We will share (and luckily he doesn't break it), but we even still have our own seperate bank accounts. We do have one joint account we transfer money into to pay the house bills, but everything else is each our own. Including my name - I did not take his name, I still have my original name (I hate the work "maiden" name, I'm no maiden and never was.

It's not right or wrong, as long as both people are on the same page. People think we're weird because we don't share everything and aren't joined at the hip. But, it works for us, and that's all that counts.

Oh and most of the animals seem to be lumped in as mine, especially when they have to go to the vet;)

 
NZminilops wrote:
I'm starting to think it's more of a respect issue than anything, because I don't get respect from him in regards to things I pay for, it's making me possesive over them :?.
I've read this thread with great interest, and I would really love to write more, but my eyes for some reason are killing me right now and everything looks very fuzzy so I can't type much, but...

I think what you wrote there is exactly the issue. If you don't feel like he respects your things when he uses them, then of course you aren't going to be happy with him using them. I can imagine if he's broken a laptop, phone etc, very expensive things, then it's understandable that you're are going to be a bit 'Erm, excuse me, that's MINE!' when it comes to stuff that's special to you or you've paid for. I definitely think it's a respect issue.

With me and Steve, I'd say that we definitely have things that are 'yours and mine' but we don't usually have to enforce it too much. If I ever wanted to use his laptop for some reason he wouldnt mind, and vice versa, same with anything else really, but I think that's because we know we'll treat each other's things with respect and look after them. There are things that I think of as 'mine' because I use them more than him. Kitchen stuff, like my salt pig, scales, blender, etc etc and I know would end up with me if we split up lol, but I wouldn't mind him using them....

I am however very possessive over pillows. Have to have MY pillow lol! :p
 
i think of things as mine, i dont mind sharing things but some are mine and i want them back if they are borrowed or i would expect as my property.

i think its because i have an older brother who has stolen my things all my life and it drives me mad. he thinks everything in my room is his and will just come in and take it and shows no respect for anything...example of this is when he took one of my cds into his car for months and didnt bother to put it back in the case and just shut the glove compartment on it and snapped it in half.however he didnt bother to tell me this until i found it weeks later in pieces in the car. wen i asked him he was just like "oh yeah" ...not sorry or i will buy you another one. i was so angry.
he thinks he owns everything and takes anything including using my toiletries like shampoo and shower gel (however girly smelling i buy them?? or however much i hide them in the house he always finds them somehow)

same with my folks stuff too, he will change channels even if they are watching something and say IM NOT WATCHING THIS CRAP and not change back, he thinks he owns both my mum and dads cars and will just take them without saying anything or asking???
i think hes spoilt and has no respect which i guess is my parents fault. but why did i turn out so different from him in personality i will never know.

so i say if you bought it, its yours and people should have respect for it whoever they are!

rant over x
 
I think this is us. We joke and tease but we share everything. If his DS is dead he will grab mine. My phone is dead his isn't I take his. I have 3 iPods now. He uses whichever. Shoot we use the same socks! We are careful with each others stuff.

mouse_chalk wrote:
I've read this thread with great interest, and I would really love to write more, but my eyes for some reason are killing me right now and everything looks very fuzzy so I can't type much, but...

I think what you wrote there is exactly the issue. If you don't feel like he respects your things when he uses them, then of course you aren't going to be happy with him using them. I can imagine if he's broken a laptop, phone etc, very expensive things, then it's understandable that you're are going to be a bit 'Erm, excuse me, that's MINE!' when it comes to stuff that's special to you or you've paid for. I definitely think it's a respect issue.

With me and Steve, I'd say that we definitely have things that are 'yours and mine' but we don't usually have to enforce it too much. If I ever wanted to use his laptop for some reason he wouldnt mind, and vice versa, same with anything else really, but I think that's because we know we'll treat each other's things with respect and look after them. There are things that I think of as 'mine' because I use them more than him. Kitchen stuff, like my salt pig, scales, blender, etc etc and I know would end up with me if we split up lol, but I wouldn't mind him using them....

I am however very possessive over pillows. Have to have MY pillow lol! :p
[/quote]
 
Thanks for the input, it's interesting to find out how everyone does things.

I knew you and Rob would be total sharers Ali :p. My feet are way too small for Mat to fit my socks on but he "acidentaly" wore my knickers once lol!

I guess, in a way, it's not even so much the sharing, it's just the wanting to say things are mine. I dunno, I like to share, I like to use his stuff as long as he doesn't mind, and when I talk to people in my family I refer to my stuff as "our stuff". But if we split, I want what I paid for mostly. And I call things mine, which to me seems normal, but he has a huge issue with me saying "my". He thinks I'm weird for wanting to call things mine and I just don't get that. And WHY does he only break my stuff, and not his? It can't all be an accident.

We've never shared a bank account and the idea seems unusual to me, but we aren't married. It was actually Mats mum who told me to always have my own account, because a woman needs her independence and emergency money in case the man goes chasing a bit of skirt, haha :D.


 
I'm not married, but used to be...and was probably divorced even before some of you were born. :p

I come from a family of four siblings, and we were constantly fighting over *things*. My brother's Stratomatic game, what channel to watch on tv, my tricycle, my brother's woodburning set, my sister's dolls...etc etc etc. My sister and I were the ones who argued the most, and one of the more impressive fights we had involved a knockdown, drag 'em out hair-pulling event one Sunday morning when we were getting ready to go to church with our mom. We each had to wear a bonnet with our dresses, and neither of us wanted to wear the plain white one...the white one with the blue trim was our preference. (Needless to say, Mom was not impressed with our unlady-like/un-churchworthy brawl when she caught us in the midst of it, both screaming and yanking one another's hair, rolling around on the middle of the kitchen floor.)

You would think that after growing up in such a household I'd be very possessive. But when I got married my husband and I shared everything. It just sort of all worked out and fell into place...communal items were shared equally. If we had things that were special to us, the other was aware of that and respected it enough to leave it, or to ask before using. Not once did we ever have a fight or get upset over sharing. I don't know why exactly, it was just that we 'fit' together that way, I guess.

However, there was one time when my husband used borrowed something that was definitely 'mine', without asking. One evening I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when Bob sauntered (er, sashayed) into the room wearing nuthin' but my little black negligeé. But the scene was so funny I just couldn't be upset...I mean....I'm just about 4'11" and Bob was 6'1"...it was not a pretty sight....
 
Ok, I don't have a SO (It is so much easier to give relationship advice when you are single and the world is still simple lol) but I do have three siblings and two parents who have been married for 26 years. One thing my dad has alwas emphasised to us is personal property rights. Each of us has our own stuff and we don't have to share if we don't want to. Even when we were little kids, he never forced us to share something that was ours. Now, you would think that it would have turned us into spoiled brats, but it didn't. Instead, it made us realize that if we wanted to use someone else's stuff then we had to treat it with respect.

The reason I bring this up is because it seems to me that you don't so much have a problem with him using your stuff as you do with him *not respecting* your stuff. I know if every time a sibling borrows something and he/she breaks it I am never lending to them again. Actually, generally in the lending contract we have a "you break, you buy" clause, lol. (Whats funnier is that we even have lending contracts)

But anyways, I think you need to explain to your guy that maybe you wouldn't mind him using your stuff so much(or maybe you would, I dunno) if he wouldn't treat it like dirt.
Just like he wouldn't like you borrowing his car and crashing it, you don't appriciate him not asking before borrowing, and ruining you stuff when he does borrow it. No matter how much he thinks his car deserves to be cleaned with the best towels around, as long as they are yours, you get to decide that. Now, if he wants to buy some really nice towels to clean his car with, it is his money and you can't say anything, but...
But really, as long as he keeps not taking care of your stuff then it really is your stuff. Since he apparently never breaks his own stuff, he must be more careful with it. I think that for anything to be yours collectively that he has to treat your stuff with the same amount of care as he treats his own stuff.
 
Michelle, I can totally understand how you feel. It kinda sounds like Mathew doesn't really respect your stuff. Or maybe boundaries. Either that, or he he just doesn't think before he does.

I think the not-thinking thing is Jason's problem. I don't mind sharing my things with him, but he just does dumb things. Add that to the fact that, even though he makes quite a bit more money than I do, he's really really cheap. So if he ruins or breaks something, I have to make a big stink for him to replace it. Then he gets upset that I griped at him.
Part of it, though, might be that Jason doesn't realize how much some things cost, or grasp the concept that replacing something might be more difficult for me. He finally stopped cleaning the rice cooker with the scratchy sponge after I told him how much it would cost to replace the inner pot, and that it would have to be mail ordered, and that if he scratched it, he would be the one to replace it. But that doesn't stop him from doing other dumb or thoughtless things.

(Personally, I think this might be from his childhood, he was totally spoiled when he was with his dad, and never really had to be responsible for things like that. When he was with his mom, she was really busy working so she could support two kids, so she wasn't around a whole lot, and when she was she didn't want to be The Punisher. Maybe it's not really that simple, but it seems plausible.)

Maybe Mathew has some similar issues?

As far as our joint finances are concerned.....We didn't get a joint account until after we were married. Before that, we just split everything in half like roommates. We each wrote a check for half the rent. I paid the utilities and then he would give me a check for half after I told him how much. Now, we just pay things from the joint account. We figured the total average for all the rent and utilities, split it in half, and we each put that much in. I put in about $25 extra, he puts in $50 extra per check. We only use that money for things together. (He insisted we pay for new sheets from the joint account. I was going to buy them because the old ones didn't fit on the mattress. But he got annoyed when I paid for the new shower curtain and shower caddy from there, even though the old curtain was stained, and the old caddy was rusted and gross. Oh, and I had bought the old ones years ago, and we'd been using them because he didn't have any to begin with. So it varies.)

I don't know if we'll ever get our groceries in sync. We just like eating different things. (We do usually eat at the same time, just different things.) I am hoping to somehow try to get a "joint grocery" thing going for things we both use equally.

I don't profess to be a great advice giver, Michell, but if you ever need to vent, my PM box is open. :hug:



Edit: Aina posted while I was writing this, and she said everything I was thinking, but a lot more eloquently than I did. :)



 
BethM wrote:
I don't know if we'll ever get our groceries in sync. We just like eating different things. (We do usually eat at the same time, just different things.) I am hoping to somehow try to get a "joint grocery" thing going for things we both use equally.
Me and Steve are the same with food.... We buy everything together and jointly, but he will eat a variation of about 5 different things lol, so 80% of the time I cook my own meals. I love to experiment, cook new recipes, and love making curries, but Steve is almost never open to trying new things, will only eat 2 kinds of meat (1 more often than not), nothing even remotely spicey, nothing that even uses spices! He thinks spices=heat, not flavour. If I use fresh herbs, he complains about 'twigs' in his food. Too much pepper and he throws the whole thing out. He wont eat chicken, any fish, lamb, pork (unless it's sausages), cabbage, greens, beans, asparagus, about every other vegetable apart from carrots brocoli and cucumber. He doesn't like rice, noodles or mushrooms. Therefore wont have stir-fries, or anything like that. The list goes on, I can't recall it all right now. Things like that hurt me a lot, and I get so so SO angry.... I guess that comes under 'yours and mine' because I have taken the time to cook a meal for him, but he wont appreciate it? That's similar to not respecting my things lol... I don't see us ever breaking up over it, but I do feel that it puts a real rift in our relationship. The thing that really gets me is that he will make the effort and try things that he normally wouldn't for other people. The other night I went to eat out at an asian restaurant, which I love and was really excited about it, because Steve will never go to those places with me. I told him about it and he said that he'd been there. I was like 'whaaa?' And then he said that he has been there when he's 'had to go to keep other people happy' Well, what about keeping me happy? Would it really kill him to go along with me and eat some noodles every now and then? Whilst every single time we go out I agree to go for a pizza or to a pub, just so he can have the food he likes? I don't think so :XI have thought about recently just saying that ALL meals are to be cooked completely seperately, so I can just cook food and appreciate it myself, and he can make himself a burger or beans on toast every night :X It's even making me angry just typing it lol.... GRRRRRRRRRR..... :grumpy:


And WOAH that was a long rant, sorry!

:rant:
 
OT, but how do you cook? I've tried and it take *forever* If I have to dice another onion or mince another garlic I shall go insane! (Or was it the other was around, mince onion and dice garlic... uggh!)
But I like to try new stuff and that won't happen unless I cook it myself. And I like adding my own stuff to the recipe because it makes them taste better. It is just all the dicing, mincing, and waiting around for things to cook that drives me crazy.

My dad only eats a few things too. But it isn't because he doesn't *like* everything else, it is because if he eats unhealthy he doesn't have a stop button. But if he can, he generally tries to come with us and just not eat, or eat as healthy as he can when there. So mom never cooks for him unless it is just to put the veggies on. Dad makes his own stuff and mom cooks for us sometimes, and we all live happily ever after, lol. It is an unspoken agreement that if you don't like what mom makes you either have PB&J or make something yourself.
 
Jen, I can see that you and Steve have far greater differences that Jason and I have!

We can usually agree on restaurants, we both like to eat at similar places. We go to a lot of "ethnic" type places. Our favorite right now is Middle Eastern. We like different things on the menu, but overall we both like it. (Except there's this bbq place he totally loves and I can't stand. For bbq, I love burnt ends, which usually is small-ish pieces in sauce. I ordered it at this one place, I got this giant piece of meat that was so dry it was like a piece of wood, and no sauce. Excuse me??? And the sauce they have on the tables is really gross. So I refuse to go there.)

Jason is pretty against a lot of vegetables. Some of my very favorite things, he won't go near. Avocado, asparagus, peas, beets. Other things I don't mind eating for dinner he doesn't consider a suitable meal. (Night before last, I sliced 4 brussels sprouts, sauteed them in butter, and had them over rice. Delicious!) He knows how to cook an acceptable red curry, and also teriyaki chicken, but otherwise just likes to have frozen chicken nuggets and bagged salad. Partly because he doesn't like cooking, and partly because he is cheap.

I think the part that annoys me most is, if I want to cook something (even if it's for both of us), he expects me to buy the ingredients. So if I were to cook for both of us, I would be buying ALL the groceries. Even though he makes more money, eats more, and doesn't like leaving leftovers, which is my prime source of lunches. If I ask him to chip in, he says he'd just rather go out. He has hurt my feelings a few times by saying he wishes we could just eat out *every* night. I don'tthink he meant to imply that he doesn't like my cooking, butit seemed likeit.

Also, I *like* to cook!I don't mind the mincing and chopping and mixing and waiting. Some days I really just don't feel like it. But most of the time, I get a lot of satisfaction in being able to take a bunch of individual things, and put them together to make something delicious. And sometimesthe process iskinda theraputic for me.

There are some things I make regularly that he really likes. Overall, though, it is easier for us to make our own meals. We both get to eat something we like, and there's no stress of trying to please him while missing out on things I like.

We eat both eat lots of rice. I didn't use to eat so much of it, but I do now. This is going to sound stereotypical, but it's not meant to be: Jason is half Chinese. He LOVES rice. I used to be anti-rice cooker until I lived with him, it was easier to buy a rice cooker than constantly be cooking rice for him. (He would go out to buy cooked rice, because he burned it on the stove, or made a huge mess and I would yell at him because he wouldn't clean it up.) So now he can make his own, and it's so easy to use and makes such tasty rice, I've been eatinga lot more of it.

Jen, what kinds of foods does Steve like? Maybe you could find innovative ways to make things that would sort of work for both of you. (Jason like burgers, but I think they're boring sometimes, so now if I make them in summer, I'll make fresh pesto sauce and mix it into the meat. Spices things up for me, but it's not too different for him to also enjoy.)
 
I dont get the whole seperate finances thing when you are married, i think mostly cause i am a control freak and my hubby would pay bills when he "got " around to it,lol. Since we moved in together my hubby and i have had joint accounts and when i worked both pays went in and i kept the chekcing book and did the bills. He would call me to tell me he was using mac and for how much , and to also make sure that we had the money in there. I could never in a trillion years leave bills up to my hubby, we have excellent credit and that is because of me getting his credit and stuff straightened out from before we were married. Now we could never do something like seperate accounts and bills, because i stay at home with the kids and they are stingy Meisers and they dont pay me so i dont get a pay check every week
 

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