Okay, so this isn't a joke, it's just a funnystory (not sure if its true or not but I wouldn't doubt it). Parentaldiscretion advised due to language (censored, but still....), and Iapologize to the men (sorta).
Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. guy who purchased hislovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop thatsparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I waslooking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of thetaser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affecton your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twotriple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd getthe blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burnspot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, mycat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I wasreading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try thisthing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit Ithought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thoughtbetter of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give thisthing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burstwould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst wassupposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; athree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on theground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three secondswould be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (andloaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. Idecided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Itouched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION)*(&#(*)&*(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked meup in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples onfire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under mybody in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat wasstanding over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do itagain!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when youzap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodgedfrom your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A threesecond burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-^@*!#... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can'tbe sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bentreading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they upget there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significantreward for their safe return.
hehe -
