I'm not sure what to do...

[Brandy456]

My mom met this guy, a few weeks ago. They've been talking 24/7. I go sleep over at my brothers Friday night and come home Saturday morning and he's here. He looked at me and gave me an evil, mean look. My mom asked me erlier ' Are you okay with him ' I hesitated and said '.. Yeah I guess ' she said back ' Well sometimes we just have to take what were given to make others happy' Well why did you ask if you won't consider my answer.

10 minutes ago he said to me ' I want to watcha movie ' and I said ' Okay, just wait 5 minutes my show is almost over' he said ' Fine but you can't watch the movie' I looked at him ' Why' He said ' Because all you do is watch TV and play on you're phone and laptop, you can watch if you put the laptop and cell phone in you're room' Well EXCUUUSEEE me, this is my house.. not you'res.

Then I asked my mom, when I could get my acylic nails filled and he said 'When you get you're homework done she'll take you'. Well I din't know his name was 'Mom'. T

This siriously bothers me, he's telling me what to do when to do it and I only met his yesterday!. I have no choice.. I talked to my mom and she said that I can't be selfish. I'm not trying to be selfish but he's trying to take over my life and act as a father and yes, maybe so that my dad is in the clouds but no one can replace him no matter how hard thhey tried.

He plays with Sparky as if he is a pit-bull, he pushes him and stuff then Sparky yells because you can't push him, his leg hurts and he gets mad at him and holds his mouth closed. I'm going to flip if he does it again, that's not right.. you hurt him then you get mad at him.

Sparky is now sleeping and he just clapped his hands and it woke him up. Like common dude, he doesn't feel good let him sleeep!.

I don't know what to do, I can't talk to my brothers about it because they only saw his nice side and think im crazy and trying to be selfish.

 

[Flashy]

I am sorry and I can completely see why you are not feeling so great about this.

I would suggest trying to talk to your mum. If you can explain to her that its not about being selfish or wanting him to go, its just about him not telling you what to do, that might help. Maybe she can talk to him and explain that him telling you what to do is not good and ask him not to do it.

If you don't think you can talk to her, maybe try writing her a letter.

It does sound like he is trying to be your dad. If he has his own kids then maybe that is how he is with them but doesn't realise that this won't work because you already have a dad and even though he is not able to be around, he is still your dad and no one can ever take his place. Maybe with time you and he might get a better relationship but I think it's very harsh for him to make himself that much at home in YOUR house and treat you like that, so quick.

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Has he moved in???

I would talk to your mom about this. He has no right telling you what you can or cannot do.... he is not your father/stepfather/babysitter.

Your mom needs to say "Excuse me, but that's not your place, JERK!"

ok, she doesn't have to call him jerk but I can!

 

[Brandy456]

I can't talk to my mom, I never could. She jumps to conclusions fast or gets mad and walks away.

I was never able to talk to her. Ever. I usually talked to my Dad on the phone.. but that's no longer something I can do.

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Why can't you talk to your father?

Was your mom in the room when he said those things?

How old are you? and you really should tell her. Maybe you could write her a note and be very careful how you word it. Keep it on YOU not them.

Say things like: I feel weird when he acts like he's in charge. My feelings are hurt when someone says something like that.

If you say YOU make me feel weird - it's too much of an attack.

 

[pinksalamander]

I know your pain. Having had a single mother since I was 3, I'm pretty open to her having a boyfriend. Infact I'd love it because then maybe she would get off my back and have someone else to nag at. Anyway, I don't feel bad about other people 'trying to be my Dad' because I hardly ever see my Dad anyway, and I don't remember my parents ever being together so the idea of them being kissy and lovey-dovey freaks the hell out of me :?

But anyway, when I was about ten my Mum got this boyfriend called Bruce. He was this big greasy bike mechanic from some remote place in America. He was so bossy and rude and I hated him. He used to 'play rough' with me and really hurt me. Plus he had really bad hearing and used to turn up the TV so loud I couldn't sleep. I hated him and my Mum used to say that I had to be nice to him because she loved him, but I couldn't stand him.

So its my tenth birthday, and I have all my friends round until about 8 o'clock. My sort of Godmother stays later to help my Mum clear up. I want to stay up late and watch TV (Its a Saturday) and he says to me 'go to bed'. I pleaded with him saying could I stay up and finish watching something and my Mum said I could stay up as a treat, but he keeps telling me to go to bed. I got really upset and we started argueing. Basically I stormed off and later my Mum came up and started having a go at me for chatting back to him. I was so angry.

So then all I can hear is screaming and shouting between the two of them, then he walks out.

After that he never came back. I didn't find out until recently that he had come back but she told him to leave. Her friend (my sort of Godmother) had seen the whole thing and just told her that if anyone could talk to her Daughter like that he wasn't worth it.

So, I don't know if that makes you feel much better, but just be aware that maybe your Mum is just wanting to be with someone and he probably isn't good enough for her. Its a tricky situation for you to comment on, but if you really think he is not a nice person (for your Mum) then maybe after a while you could say something to her. Tell her she is better than him and she doesn't need someone like that to make her feel happy. I wish I had known that was how my Mum felt back then and I could have told her how much I hated him and how much I could see he was using her just to have a warm house to come back to every night so he could watch our TV at extortionate volume and eat our food...



By the way he still has no girl friend. He has a dog now called Alice, and of course she always does what he says

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[Brandy456]

Bo B Bunny wrote:

Why can't you talk to your father?He passed away last year

Was your mom in the room when he said those things? Yeah She was.

How old are you?14 and a half.

and you really should tell her. Maybe you could write her a note and be very careful how you word it. Keep it on YOU not them.

Say things like: I feel weird when he acts like he's in charge. My feelings are hurt when someone says something like that.

If you say YOU make me feel weird - it's too much of an attack.

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Oh, I'm sorry about your father

Do you have a grandparent or counselor at school that you could talk to?

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Here's my opinion...
This sucks, and its not right. :hug:

The only thing I can think of is to point-blank ignore this person when he talks to you. If he's getting out of hand, all you can really say is, "don't talk to me like that, or leave" and keep doing whatever it is you are doing.

The lawyerish part of me wants to record everything he is doing (camera-phone), how he treats Sparky, how he talks to you. Then send it to your mom. Actions speak louder than words. When people are in "love", they only see the good side of that person, no matter how awful they are... Stupid, I know..

I guess the game is for you to keep cool and reasonable enough, and him to act psycho and immature enough that your mom gets a reality snap. At some point, she's going to wake up and realize that you're right, he's awful. Until then, don't react to anything he says or does.

I would keep Sparky with you, and don't let this guy near him. I would put Sparky in your bedroom, as there is no reason for this guy to be anywhere near your bedroom.

If he lays his hands on you in any way, scream and get your mom immediately to deal with him. If she doesn't, I would call the cops immediately.

I'm not trying to scare you Brandy. That isn't my idea here, but this guy sounds like bad news. Like Bo said, it is important for other adults to know what is going on here, so that they can get on your mom's case about it, and be able to support you.

:hug1Just my opinion. Maybe you can spend more itme over at your brother's? Take Sparky with you.

ETA: I've never been in this situation, but I know what I was like when in love with my first cocaine-addicted boyfriend. I was so stupid, and he was so cruel. I really wish a friend had done something like taking video of him being nasty to me, or someone I loved.
I'm so sorry that you are having to endure this right now. Fran sounds like she might have some strategies...

 

[NZminilops]

I HATE this sort of situation and I think this guy is being way out of line. if he's this bossy and controlling now, just wait until a few weeks have gone by :?.

No adult should try to boss someone elses kids around. If it's going to be a serious relationship between the parents, there needs to be serious talks between you, your mum and this guy. There needs to be rules and boundaries and he needs to know he's not your dad, he's not in control of you, and answering on your mums behalf IS very controlling.

A lifetime of having men around my mum that hated me even when i tried to be good and love them has made me really annoyed at this sort of situation. Obviously your mum deserves to find love and someone that makes her happy, but you need to be happy with the situation too, while you are in her care and living under her roof.

 

[Brandy456]

Bo B Bunny wrote:

Oh, I'm sorry about your father

Do you have a grandparent or counselor at school that you could talk to?

I'd rather not talk to my grandma because she wouldn't be quiet.. lol she forgets alot.

I have a psyciatrist because i'm out of school (homeschooled) but my mom comes in the office with me all the time.

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Psychiatrists must have patient confidentiality. As you are the patient, you have the right for your mom not to be in the room. Make an appointment/ or at your next one, and request that you see the psychiatrist alone.

OR
If you bring it up with your mom there, the psychiatrist will obviously question her about the situation. Stick to your guns; the psychiatrist;s job is to help you.
Be as adult as you can about this, so they can't say, "oh, she's just being a brat"
:hug:

 

[Brandy456]

NorthernAutumn wrote:

I would keep Sparky with you, and don't let this guy near him. I would put Sparky in your bedroom, as there is no reason for this guy to be anywhere near your bedroom.

I don't think I should have to keep Sparky in my room.He hasn't done anything wrong and thats where I put him when he's bad. He's tried to go in my room , He wanted to see Babii. I told him not to, That sparky gets teritorial. Which he does. If he were to go even an inch from my door knob I'd hear it.

 

[NorthernAutumn]

I'm saying that if he is hurting Sparky, then you need to take Sparky away from him, and put him somewhere so the guy can't hurt him. You can explain that Sparky's leg is very badly hurt, (and give him a chance to be nice); but he should not be hurting Sparky.

 

[Brandy456]

I told him about his leg but he doesn`t notice, leg problem or not.. you can`t play with a 8 pound dog like that ( Yeah I know, hes over weight ).

The vet told us that rice was good to give. So we made rice with dinner and I gave sparky some and he tried telling me it was bad for them and can give them stomach problems and kidney failure. Like gosh darnet do you think the vet is an idiot or something ?

 

[Cove]

I agree to the getting everything on video or something and then showing your mother.

Like what has been said already your mom is "in love" with him and right now can only see one side of things. You really need to sit down with each other and really talk this over. You are her daughter, you will always be her daughter, her flesh and blood. This guy? Who the hell knows how long he'll stick around, it could be a week, or two months. She needs to understand her child comes before anyone.

Your mother was divorced from your father (from what I understand) and the father of her child is now passed on (I'm sorry to hear). Right now its understandable for her to be desperate for affection and afraid of being alone, its common. They oftenoften get into relationships with men who show them even the least amount of affection no matter how horrid they really are. But she needs to understand you are her family, her own bloodhe is not.

Have you tried at all to talk to him about this? Sometimes they just don't understand how far they are crossing the line of the father role.

Ask your mom to stay out of the room when you go see your psychiatrist, if she refsues bring it to the attention of the psychiatrist. You have a right to be in there alone with him/her seeing as you are their patient, and they won't tell your mother anything that youve said unless it is something serious (like suicide)or you give them the OK to. Or like NA just said bring it up there with your mother in the room.

If things get to the point you can't handle it anymore and your mother refuses to listen to you and the boyfriend continues to boss you about and abuse (yes I am going that far) your animals is there anyway you can move in with your brother?

Be as adult as possible, mother's usually listen a little better when their kids are acting adult about things such as this.


Rice for dogs is just fine, plain rice of course ithelps with tummy problems and won't kill them good god tell him to pickup a bookand do some research before he opens his mouth about things.

 

[Brandy456]

She's been seperated from my dad since I was 4.. She just finnally decides to date. When I have no one to talk to. Except you guys

 

[Cove]

She still probably feels a little desperate for affection though and even after being divorced for so long still probably fears being alone. This guy has shown her affection so she's clinging to him. You need to show her she deserves better.

 

[Sabine]

This guy definately overstepped the line in loads of respects. I sometimes have issues with David (who's only my baby's dad and not the others of making rules without consulting me. We have been together for quite a few years but I still feel that when it comes to my other kids I'm the person in charge unless I'm not around and than he acts on my behalf.
Even if you say you can't talk to your mum,still try, you have nothing to loose

 

[Brandy456]

Sabine wrote:

This guy definately overstepped the line in loads of respects. I sometimes have issues with David (who's only my baby's dad and not the others of making rules without consulting me. We have been together for quite a few years but I still feel that when it comes to my other kids I'm the person in charge unless I'm not around and than he acts on my behalf.
Even if you say you can't talk to your mum,still try, you have nothing to loose

While he was in the washroom I tried... she got mad and locked herself in her room until he came out.