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Thanks guys!

Ali, I dunno. I just preferred it for a girl really.Hehehe.

Grace, Riley is on our list. That's the one that I have on hold right now.I have been playing with it. Jeff doesn't seem too fond of it though. Heh... You have good taste ;)

 
Oh dear,

I see my post didn't go through... :expressionless

He has been named 'Puck'. It is not exactly the cutest name but it has a lot of significance to me. I was feeling homesick and named him after a very Canadian thing: hockey. Hockey reminds me of so many things... I wasn't sure about it but it seems to suit him. There's also a "Puck" in A MidSummer Night's Dream and he is described as a clever and mischievous character. Hehehe. :)

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Geez, you guys sure sent some very strong positive vibes...

I was in a very very very very dark place for the past 2-3 days or so. Really, I was quite scared and didn't think I'd make it without medicating. I felt like an absolute,total failure and was just drained in a way that I cannot explain.

But then, the simplest gesture changed everything...

The postman rang the doorbell and handed me a package. I figured Jeff had ordered something so I messaged him while he was at workand let him know that whatever he had ordered was here. He was very happy about it and told me it was a surprise. Ah? Okay.

I didn't bother with it and got distracted by being 'happy' because our nephew came over to play with the dog and all. I surely didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I got busy serving him a drink, cutting melon, setting him up on video games, etc.and before I knew it, Jeff was home. A few minutes after he got home, the neighbor kids rang the doorbell to ask if they could come play with the pets. (Note to self: Buying a puppy means having lots of kids over suddenly which alsomeans you need more drinks and goodies on hand, anda common language is preferable as well)

Anyway, I got caught up in a whirlwind of squeals, giggles, and sheer happiness. I forgot my mood for those minutes. I enjoyed watching Jeff interact with his nephew and really just relaxed a bit.

When the kids had gone, I picked up the odd-looking thing that Jeff had taken out of the box and asked what it was. It turns out he had gotten a rainbow projector. A very simplistic, money-wasting gadget.

And ittook everything within me to stop myself from sobbing right then and there.

You see, this gadget meant sooooo much to me at that very moment.

From the moment I met him, Jeff always called me his rainbowgirl. I immediatelyremembered something specific from amessage thatJeff had written me:

You are still a rainbowgirl. I meant that all the time, because I knew you weren't happy and were strugging and still managed to smile. That's what rainbows do. They are fragile and dependent on circumstances. But when things come together, they shine and are the most beautiful things imaginable and you want them to be there forever and tell other people to look at them too, before they fade.
I have seen you light up, I have also seen you fade. I worry when you fade. I said that often and will keep saying it.
Please let me worry because I care about you, whatever the situation. I do care. And as long as I care I will worry, because that's the way it works.


And then he promisedhe wouldkeep me from fading.

There I was, feeling completely faded, but he brought me a rainbow. Without even knowing. Twenty-five years old, but he brought home a rainbow-making gadget made for kids which pretty much saved me from myself.

At that very moment, I remembered. I remembered all he had ever told me, how he had always told me not to deal with things alone because I am not alone anymore. He always believed in me, in my strength, in my colors. Despite me not knowing who I was anymore, he clearly does.

He's always had that way of knowing, without really knowing.

Last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face, Jeff's arm around me, and a beautiful rainbow on our ceiling.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. They meant a lot. Much love to all of you.

 
That is so sweet it made me cry. :hug: I'm so glad Jeff is there for you. You are such a wonderful, special person and the world is a better place because you are here. :)
 
Updates Updates :biggrin:

So, as you can already tell, my mood is better. I'm not 100% healed of course, as that will take time, but I have been talking to Jeff a lot these past few days and he's helping me sort some things out emotionally. I have some tough decisions to make but I think they will need to be made for my own well-being. Those that will be affected will simply have to deal. I've dealt with their crap for long enough. ;)

Puck has been a blessing. I mean, truly, really, he has helped me in many ways already. Before, I was having a hard time getting up in the morning. (I absolutely hate waking up lol :p) However, now, I HAVE to be up and the routine is really really helping me. I feel absolutely tired at the end of the day, but during the day, I do things. I function. It feels good. Today, by 10:30am, I had scrubbed the kitchen, done laundry, eaten breakfast, vaccuumed floor, couch, chairs, curtains, and was sitting outside with the pets. I am outside a whole lot more. I cannot walk Puck yet because he doesn't have all his shots but at least I go outside in the yard with him. Also, Maybelle is out again now that the yard has been fixed.

Aside from that, Puck also has been bringing in a lot of attention. Our nephew and niece have come overal several times to play with him. I also kept them for dinner and chocolate fondue and we played UNO last Friday (and their parents quickly took off to the resto LOL). I think it is great that they are having more interaction with Jeff now. His family has also commented on it and the kids are very happy, which in turn, makes me happy. Aside from them, we've also had the neighbor kids coming over. The little boy is a handful but I think it's nice to have him over anyway. :)This is turn, has been creating a lot more contact with the neighbors. Also, the other day, a woman walking her own cavalier spotted Puck through the window and absolutely freaked out over him so I took him out to meet her. She was almost in tears. Hehehe. So, already, I will have someone to say hello to when walking Puck. :)Yesterday evening, the neighbor came over for coffee. We all chatted and he played with Puck a lot. The kids weren't thrilled about it though because it was late so he didn't let them come over. Hehehe. We will be bunsitting the boys for them so it will be nice. He told me he has no problem with me letting them out to play so I am happy about that. I will get to play with more bunnies for almost 3 weeks. :biggrin:Hehehe.

Today, Jeff's mum is coming over for coffee as well. :)

Remember all my babbling about the yard? Well sometime last week, Jeff informed me that he had gone and ordered the pave and that the men would be here on Monday. Ah ah! Monday came along and the men were here at 8am. :shock:Despite it pouring cats and dogs, they worked hard all day and got all the floor fixed and newly tiled. I was absolutely thrilled. The first thing I did was let Maybelle out. Of course, she had to give me plenty of attitude because she had been stuck i nthe shed for so long. She's back to her bouncy self now though. :biggrin:Unfortunately, the guy is going on vacantion so the flower beds will only be worked on in September. You know what though? I'm tired of getting annoyed over it. Right now, the yard is clean and we can sit in it so I am not complaining. Maybelle can play again and Puck and I too so we are all satisfied. In the end, it's just not worth getting annoyed about. It'll be done when it's done. :)

Meanwhile, we had also ordered the curtains for the livingroom and bedroom. They had told us to expect it to take up to 8 weeks so I jut put them aside in my mind, satisfied that they were ordered and would be here eventually. Well, it took only 3 weeks instead. I was a little bit apprehensive and concerned that maybe they wouldn't look right... At 300 euros, you want to be sure! But heck, they look awesome. They made a huge difference right away. They brought in that warm feeling that I was hoping for. Even Jeff realized how much cozier it looks. Phew! I am happy. The house is looking great and 'homey'. I never realized just how much attachment I have to this place. I've never been one to clean, or really maintain a house but I guess that's really different now. I chose to be here, I want to be here. I think taking care of the house is a way of showing that I care, and that, despite it being hard sometimes, I really do want to make this home.

Oh speaking of cleaning, I want the house to be clean so badly that I dropped gallons of water in the staircase by accident on Sunday. :expressionlessAnd I do mean several gallons. You see, my dryer isn't connected to the pipes here so I have to manually empty out the tray. I have long been imagining the bucket breaking whilst I carried it downstairs to the bathroom to empty it and that is exactly what happened. WHAT A MESS! The stairs, the floors, the walls... From the 3rd floor to the 1st... Bleh. LOL. I hope we put a sink up there eventually. Just a small sink so that I don't end up carrying buckets anymore. Hehehe.

Anyway, I got some pictures for you guys...

[align=center]This is the front garden... We found a lil bistro-style table I was looking for. It's not quiiiite what I wanted but we hadn't found a table with a real mosaic and I was basically tired of looking. Plus, we got this for half the price of the other we saw and felt it was too good an oppurtunity to pass. Also, this is one we can actually sit at where the other was only decorative. You can see the temporary plants and flowers too. Next year, I will put in some french geraniums and some other pretty flowers. :)[/align]
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[align=center]Annnnd some Puck:[/align]
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[align=left]On Friday, we will mark 2 years since that day that Jeff first came to Montreal, allowing us to meet in person for the first time. My life changed forever since that day. I think I will make a nice fondue and cake or something. I want to have a nice dinner with him. Also, I think he finally decided to take next week off. I am happy because I think he could really use the break. :)[/align]
 
Great update Sophie.

Please send Maybelle first class to her Auntie.:biggrin:

Your yard is looking great. Is that a Hydrangea I see in your flower beds. I love them, one day when I have a house again I will garden to my heart content.:)

Now this Bistro table & chairs do you leave that out all the time? Are you not afraid of theft? Gosh if that was here it would be stolen in no time.

Love the curtains, you have done a beautiful job of making your home "Beautiful" and "Comfortable" to live in. Jeff is one lucky man.

Now how big will Puck grow? Has he met the bunnies yet?

Looking forward to more pictures.

Hugs:hug2:

Susan:)
 
Wow, can't believe it's been 2 years now! Everything is looking great at your house :D I'm jealous (in a nice way), can't wait until we own a home. The pictures are great. Puck is such a cutie!

Are you feeling better now?
 
Susan:

Thank you. Hehehe I am sure Maybelle would love to visit :pYes, those are some hydrangeas in the front. I love them and they were a house-warming gift from Jeff's friends. I thought I had killed them or something but I decided to take a chance and chop off the 'wood' and it seems that helped them. They are doing much better in the front as well.

Hehehehe, oh the canadian in us brings us to the same conclusions. I, too, thought it wouldn't be possible to leave the table set out in front but Jeff said it was no problem. I even suggested we chain it somehow but Jeff just laughed. Hehehe. Most houses have things out in front too. I check every day, expecting it to be gone. Lol. We'll just have to hope that he is right and it stays there.\

I am glad you like the curtains. I think I am the one that is lucky really. I am quite proud of what we have accomplished though, I must admit. On the other hand, it would have been hard not to improve the house since all the rooms were yellow except for the livingroom which was a baby blue. Hehehe.

Puck should grow to be about 18lbs. He won't be big but he will be taller than your average small dog. I didn't want a big dog but I didn't want the typical small dogs either. I just fell in love with this breed instantly. Yes, he has met the bunnies :biggrin:I keep a close eye because Rolo is scared of course. However, she's starting to realize that she is safe so she runs away less and less. I haven't let them interact of course, I think that would terrorize Rolo. As for Maybelle. LOL. She's her usual self although she does run away from him unlike her bossing the cats around. She doesn't mind him at all but she doesn't want to play with him. Then again, the other day she ran straight at him only to hop right over him, with an ever so discreet binky. She's very silly. I am truly happy that they can share the yard though. Puck has learnt 'sit' and sits immediately when told so he is normally sitting and watching her as she hops about. However, he does cry because she won't play with him. She only encourages this by giving him the butt. So, she'sher usual self. ;)

Shiloh:

Yep, 2 years since we met! It's already a year that I am living here. It went insanely fast! Thank you for your comments. I try to make it inviting and warm. :)The biggest challenge has been keeping it organized and decluttered but it is going really great. I am surprised because both Jeff and I are terrible when it comes to organization. Lol. Ever since I had to pack my tiny appartment that had way too much junk in it, I vowed not to buy anything unless it had a purpose and a place. I am proud to say that I have stuck to that really well and that has prevented me from ending up with an other endless collection of knick knacks. I think it is easy to get overly excited when getting a home and then you end up with ALL kinds of stuff. Hehehe. I think this has been a wise decision on my part for once. Lol.

As for how I am feeling... I am yes and no. Things aren't all settled but I will be dealing with it in different ways and I hope that this will help sort everything out. I recently got back in touch with someone that I had lost touch with. He had been with me the night the attack happened. The problem is, hefelt he was in love with me and while we were on the way home, I told him that I had given Mario (my ex-fiance) another chance. This kind of threw him off and he was really disappointed and didn't take me home. Well, when he found out what happened, he blamed himself terribly and well, it took him a long time to get over it and it really affected him badly. We started avoiding each other because it became too painful and really we lost touch. It long bothered me that I hadn't reached out to him more after that. I think I am still seeking closure in various ways so I hope that it helps in some way. I am also seriously wondering if I shouldn't take a break from my family and put some more distance between us before I lose my sanity. Anyway, things will be dealt with, one step at a time. :)

Carly:

Thank you. Hehehe. He IS cute. I say this because he knows it and uses it to his advantage :grumpy:Lol. He's always throwing me those big puppy eyes when he wants something. If he is bad, he sucks up like crazy and I always end up cracking up. Bleh. Such a brat!

Thank you everyone for your kind messages, both on here and elsewhere :hearts
 
Nela wrote:
Geez, you guys sure sent some very strong positive vibes...

I was in a very very very very dark place for the past 2-3 days or so. Really, I was quite scared and didn't think I'd make it without medicating. I felt like an absolute,total failure and was just drained in a way that I cannot explain.
I've been wanting to write for days and been trying to figure out what I wanted to say and not have it come out wrong.

But first of all - I LOVE the pictures. Jeff is a cutie - and Puck is beyond adorable. I think you may remember I had a rabbit named Puck - I LOVE that name.

Now - about what I've been wanting to say.

I grew up being told that counseling and medicating was "wrong" and that "good people" didn't need it. I believed it for many years and "suffered" in silence with long black periods of doubt and despair. Failure seemed to be the only option in my life.

But I've had friends and family help me understand that there isn't anything wrong with getting some "help" via. medication to help me make it through those dark times.....sometimes I've taken medication short-term....sometimes long-term.

I recently almost ran out of my meds and to have enough to last me until my appointment - I stupidly skipped them for three days (I meant to skip every other day until I got my meds). WOW....my life went to hell in a handbasket in a very short time period and I had probably one of the darkest days of my life and marriage - some of which might have been due to the lack of meds.

I say this to say that if you're in a dark time right now - even if its only a few days at a time - consider getting some help. Its so worth it and it makes such a difference.

I think sometimes our bodies just need a bit of "something" to help us out - and you've been through so much in the last couple of years....including a move to a brand new country in the last year - that's so stressful and your body may need some help dealing with the stresses you've had.

Ok...getting off my soapbox....I only got on it to say I care.

I thought about doing this in a PM - but I figured if anyone else reading your blog struggles with depression - this might help them too!

:group:
 
Peg, I agree that medication shouldn't have the stigma that it once did. My therapist put it this way- "You take medication to replace the thyroid hormone your body is not making, so an antidepressant is helping balance the chemicals your body should make naturally." It made me feel a lot better.

Another thing to consider, I found out that if you are very stressed at a young age the brain cells that control mood may not migreate to the proper place within the brain because Cortisol levels are too high. With medication over time thoes cells can finish migrating, which helps relieve some of the issue.

A lot of depression, particularly when I can't figure out WHY I feel so horrible, is chemical. The human body is such a miricle and complex creation that it's not shocking that a chemical reaction here or there becomes misplaced. *hugs*

At least you have Jeff and all the "kids" to help you feel better, it can make a huge difference. Puck is too cute. If I ever had a puppy I think I would like one like him. :)
 

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