TinysMom
Well-Known Member
I have been debating about this thread for several weeks - off and on. I wondered if it was needed or appropriate - after all - we have the Rainbow Bridge area where we can remember our pets.
But sometimes we need more than remembrance - we need to reach out to someone else who understands - we need to have someone listen - or to talk with.
This thread is a place where I hope we can go when we're having a hard time dealing with the grief- some place where we can be open when we're having a bad time - or even if we feel we're doing better and healing - a place where we can say "I have hope".
This message - as the first message - is to share some things about grief. I'm including bits and pieces from websites - along with their address - so you can check them out yourself.
First of all - the "Stages of Grief". Here is what one website says:
So let's talk about how to handle the grief.
But sometimes we need more than remembrance - we need to reach out to someone else who understands - we need to have someone listen - or to talk with.
This thread is a place where I hope we can go when we're having a hard time dealing with the grief- some place where we can be open when we're having a bad time - or even if we feel we're doing better and healing - a place where we can say "I have hope".
This message - as the first message - is to share some things about grief. I'm including bits and pieces from websites - along with their address - so you can check them out yourself.
First of all - the "Stages of Grief". Here is what one website says:
Four Stages of Grief Anyone that loses a loved one, including their pet, will eventually go through four stages of grief. Denial, Awareness, Sadness and Acceptance. Most of us love our pets as we love any family member. So it is normal for us to greive in the same manner we would grieve for any family member. Here is an explanation of the four stages of grief. (Remember - everyone is unique and will experience grief in different ways)
Denial - (Also known as the "shock" or "disbelief"), this initial phase, which may last from a mere few seconds or up to 6 weeks, is marked by numbness, disbelief, and often, alienation from others. The loss may be intellectualized and dealt with on a "rational" level, as opposed to a "feeling" level. This is the stage many people are in at the time of a funeral or service.
Awareness - (Also known as the "anger" stage), is an emotional and suffering phase that resides in the heart. At the same time that the chemicals (eg, adrenaline) released in response to the stress of our pet's death are beginning to decrease, and the support of friends is lessening, the impact of our pet's loss is beginning to be truly realized: the empty pet bed, your pet is not there to greet you when coming home from work. The onset of this stage occurs 2-4 weeks after death, and the pain we experience continues to increase until it peaks about 3-4 months after the death. Typically, this is the longest phase. Strong emotions, such as anger, fear, and guilt, may be experienced.
Individuals may experience uncontrolled bouts of weeping.
The full recognition of the implications of our loss can take years.
Sadness or Depression - We desperately want everything to be the same as it was before the loss. This unachievable desire, simultaneously so natural and so understandable, may elicit depression at around 6 months.
Acceptance/Reconciliation and recovery: The final stage resides in the gut. For most of us, it is several months before we overcome the most severe emotional stress, and it takes at least a year to work through the grieving process. We must weather the "first" everything (ie, birthdays, holidays, date of our pet's death) without our animal who has died.
As time passes, and as we allow ourselves to work through our grief, we begin to reconcile the loss and to engage in rebuilding our lives. The swings of emotion slow, and a scar is formed, lessening the pain. Our focus shifts from the death, and life begins anew. This is about the time we may even consider looking at pets at pet stores or shelters. Reaching this stage does not mean we will never grieve again but that the grieving feelings no longer disrupt our lives or block our capacity for growth, discovery, and joy.
A caution, however. After a significant loss, we are changed forever; thus, the "new normal" is not like the "old normal." It has been suggested that we should attempt to reach an accommodation with our loss, rather than an "acceptance" or an effort to "recover." (I am italicizing this because I think it is important for us to realize - Peg)
How grief is expressed
In the book, The Human-Animal Bond and Grief, the authors describe five manifestations of grief.
Physical: Crying, nausea and loss of appetite, inability to sleep, fatigue, restlessness, and body aches and stiffness are typical manifestations of grief.
Intellectual: When grieving, people often experience an inability to concentrate, confusion, and a sense that time is passing very slowly.
Emotional: As described above, many emotions can be expressed in the course of the grieving process. Irritability, a lowered sense of self-worth, resentment, and embarrassment are also common feelings.
Social: Some grieving people often withdraw, may be reluctant to ask for help, and feel rejected by others. Others may show an increased dependency on other people, or an increased need to 'keep busy' and overcommit to activities.
Spiritual: The death of a pet may result in a person bargaining or feeling angry with God. The grieving person may try to find some meaningful interpretation of the death, and question what happens to pets after they die and whether pets have souls.
http://petdreamsmemorial.blogspot.com/2007/05/four-stages-of-grief.html
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But what do we do with our grief once we realize what stage(s) we're in? Do we just sit and cry all the time? Do we never look at pictures of our pet? Always look at pictures? I think it is important for all of us to remember that we will each deal with our grief differently - and if we've lost more than one bunny - we may grieve for each one differently. For instance, if you lose a bunny that had been ill for a while - the grief may not be as bad as if you lost your bunny suddenly - OR - it could be worse. Denial - (Also known as the "shock" or "disbelief"), this initial phase, which may last from a mere few seconds or up to 6 weeks, is marked by numbness, disbelief, and often, alienation from others. The loss may be intellectualized and dealt with on a "rational" level, as opposed to a "feeling" level. This is the stage many people are in at the time of a funeral or service.
Awareness - (Also known as the "anger" stage), is an emotional and suffering phase that resides in the heart. At the same time that the chemicals (eg, adrenaline) released in response to the stress of our pet's death are beginning to decrease, and the support of friends is lessening, the impact of our pet's loss is beginning to be truly realized: the empty pet bed, your pet is not there to greet you when coming home from work. The onset of this stage occurs 2-4 weeks after death, and the pain we experience continues to increase until it peaks about 3-4 months after the death. Typically, this is the longest phase. Strong emotions, such as anger, fear, and guilt, may be experienced.
Individuals may experience uncontrolled bouts of weeping.
The full recognition of the implications of our loss can take years.
Sadness or Depression - We desperately want everything to be the same as it was before the loss. This unachievable desire, simultaneously so natural and so understandable, may elicit depression at around 6 months.
Acceptance/Reconciliation and recovery: The final stage resides in the gut. For most of us, it is several months before we overcome the most severe emotional stress, and it takes at least a year to work through the grieving process. We must weather the "first" everything (ie, birthdays, holidays, date of our pet's death) without our animal who has died.
As time passes, and as we allow ourselves to work through our grief, we begin to reconcile the loss and to engage in rebuilding our lives. The swings of emotion slow, and a scar is formed, lessening the pain. Our focus shifts from the death, and life begins anew. This is about the time we may even consider looking at pets at pet stores or shelters. Reaching this stage does not mean we will never grieve again but that the grieving feelings no longer disrupt our lives or block our capacity for growth, discovery, and joy.
A caution, however. After a significant loss, we are changed forever; thus, the "new normal" is not like the "old normal." It has been suggested that we should attempt to reach an accommodation with our loss, rather than an "acceptance" or an effort to "recover." (I am italicizing this because I think it is important for us to realize - Peg)
How grief is expressed
In the book, The Human-Animal Bond and Grief, the authors describe five manifestations of grief.
Physical: Crying, nausea and loss of appetite, inability to sleep, fatigue, restlessness, and body aches and stiffness are typical manifestations of grief.
Intellectual: When grieving, people often experience an inability to concentrate, confusion, and a sense that time is passing very slowly.
Emotional: As described above, many emotions can be expressed in the course of the grieving process. Irritability, a lowered sense of self-worth, resentment, and embarrassment are also common feelings.
Social: Some grieving people often withdraw, may be reluctant to ask for help, and feel rejected by others. Others may show an increased dependency on other people, or an increased need to 'keep busy' and overcommit to activities.
Spiritual: The death of a pet may result in a person bargaining or feeling angry with God. The grieving person may try to find some meaningful interpretation of the death, and question what happens to pets after they die and whether pets have souls.
http://petdreamsmemorial.blogspot.com/2007/05/four-stages-of-grief.html
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So let's talk about how to handle the grief.
âHow shall I grieve?â is a question to be answered differently by each person. Here are some suggestions which might be helpful:
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What Is the Grief Process?
The grief process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years for another. The process typically begins with denial, which offers protection until individuals can realize their loss.
Some caregivers may try bargaining with a higher power, themselves, or even their pet to restore life. Some feel anger, which may be directed at anyone involved with the pet, including family, friends, and veterinarians. Caregivers may also feel guilt about what they did or did not do, and may feel that it is inappropriate to be so upset.
After these feelings subside, caregivers may experience true sadness or grief. They may become withdrawn or depressed. Acceptance occurs when they accept the reality of their loss and remember their animal companion with decreasing sadness.
[align=center]Five Ways to Remember Your Pet 1. Hold a memorial service
2. Find a special place for your pet's ashes
3. Create a living memorial
4. Make a scrapbook
5. Write down your feelings[/align] Read more >>
How Can I Cope with My Grief?
While grief is a personal experience, you need not face loss alone. Many forms of support are available, including pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, local or online Internet bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine articles.
Here are a few suggestions to help you cope:
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HEALING
Given time, healing will occur for the bereaved owner.
However, there are several things that the grief-stricken owner can do to help speed up the healing process:
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
- only YOU know what your pet meant to you.
2. Memorialize your pet.
- makes the loss real and helps with closure.
- allows the bereaved to express their feelings, pay tribute and reflect.
- draws in social support.
3. Get lots of rest, good nutrition and exercise.
4. Surround yourself with people who understand your loss.
- let others care for you.
- take advantage of support groups for bereaved pet owners.
5. Learn all you can about the grief process. - helps owners realize that what they are experiencing is normal.
6. Accept the feelings that come with grief.
- talk, write, sing, or draw.
7. Indulge yourself in small pleasures.
8. Be patient with yourself.
-DON'T let society dictate how long mourning should last.
9. Give yourself permission to backslide.
- it WILL end and your life WILL be normal again.
- grief is like waves in the ocean: at first the waves come in fast and hard, but as time goes on, the waves become less intense and further apart.
- don't be surprised if holidays, smells, sounds, or words trigger a relapse.
10. Don't be afraid to get help.
- pet loss support groups
- grief counselors.
11. Be sure to consult your own "Higher Power."
- either religious or spiritual.
CONCLUSION
Grief is probably the most confusing, frustrating and emotional thing that a person can experience. It is even more so for pet owners. Society in general does not give bereaved pet owners "permission" to grieve openly. Consequently, pet owners often feel isolated and alone. Luckily, more and more resources are becoming available to help the bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT alone and that what they are feeling is entirely normal.
http://www.petloss.com/muns.htm
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Help and healing
It has been shown that when grief can be expressed, the time needed for healing is often less. Similarly, if the expression of grief is restricted or withheld, the healing process may take much longer.
In addition to talking with others, to do something often helps us work through our grief. By doing something positive during this time of sadness, we expand our focus by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities which may help include:
[line]
If you have found other helpful information and would like to see it here - please PM it to me along with the website address so I can edit this post to add it and give the website credit for it.
- Pay attention to your feelings, even if you donât understand them. Write about your feelings and talk with others about them.
- Donât assume that the current grief will be like previous ones. You are not the same person who grieved before (though old griefs may definitely come alive in new sorrows).
- Listen to music, especially instrumental music that helps express your sorrow and move through it.
- Create your own art, music and poetry to express your feelings. Donât worry whether it is âgood.â Just do it.
- Move your body. Walk in the woods, exercise or take a yoga class. Anything that gets you moving for at least a short time during the day can help lift your spirits.
- Spend some time with others who have lost pets. Check out the message boards and pet loss support groups at the end of this article. If your own therapist or clergy does not work well with the grief of pet loss, find someone who does.
[line]
What Is the Grief Process?
The grief process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years for another. The process typically begins with denial, which offers protection until individuals can realize their loss.
Some caregivers may try bargaining with a higher power, themselves, or even their pet to restore life. Some feel anger, which may be directed at anyone involved with the pet, including family, friends, and veterinarians. Caregivers may also feel guilt about what they did or did not do, and may feel that it is inappropriate to be so upset.
After these feelings subside, caregivers may experience true sadness or grief. They may become withdrawn or depressed. Acceptance occurs when they accept the reality of their loss and remember their animal companion with decreasing sadness.
[align=center]Five Ways to Remember Your Pet 1. Hold a memorial service
2. Find a special place for your pet's ashes
3. Create a living memorial
4. Make a scrapbook
5. Write down your feelings[/align] Read more >>
How Can I Cope with My Grief?
While grief is a personal experience, you need not face loss alone. Many forms of support are available, including pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, local or online Internet bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine articles.
Here are a few suggestions to help you cope:
- Acknowledge your grief and give yourself permission to express it.
- Don't hesitate to reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear. The Delta Society offers a list of pet loss hotlinesfor those grieving over the death of a pet.
- Write about your feelings, either in a journal or a poem.
- Call your local humane society to see whether it offers a pet loss support group or can refer you to one.
You may also want to ask your veterinarian or local animal shelter about available pet loss hotlines. - Explore the Internet for pet loss support groups and coping information.
- Prepare a memorial for your pet.
[line]
HEALING
Given time, healing will occur for the bereaved owner.
However, there are several things that the grief-stricken owner can do to help speed up the healing process:
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
- only YOU know what your pet meant to you.
2. Memorialize your pet.
- makes the loss real and helps with closure.
- allows the bereaved to express their feelings, pay tribute and reflect.
- draws in social support.
3. Get lots of rest, good nutrition and exercise.
4. Surround yourself with people who understand your loss.
- let others care for you.
- take advantage of support groups for bereaved pet owners.
5. Learn all you can about the grief process. - helps owners realize that what they are experiencing is normal.
6. Accept the feelings that come with grief.
- talk, write, sing, or draw.
7. Indulge yourself in small pleasures.
8. Be patient with yourself.
-DON'T let society dictate how long mourning should last.
9. Give yourself permission to backslide.
- it WILL end and your life WILL be normal again.
- grief is like waves in the ocean: at first the waves come in fast and hard, but as time goes on, the waves become less intense and further apart.
- don't be surprised if holidays, smells, sounds, or words trigger a relapse.
10. Don't be afraid to get help.
- pet loss support groups
- grief counselors.
11. Be sure to consult your own "Higher Power."
- either religious or spiritual.
CONCLUSION
Grief is probably the most confusing, frustrating and emotional thing that a person can experience. It is even more so for pet owners. Society in general does not give bereaved pet owners "permission" to grieve openly. Consequently, pet owners often feel isolated and alone. Luckily, more and more resources are becoming available to help the bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT alone and that what they are feeling is entirely normal.
http://www.petloss.com/muns.htm
[line]
Help and healing
It has been shown that when grief can be expressed, the time needed for healing is often less. Similarly, if the expression of grief is restricted or withheld, the healing process may take much longer.
In addition to talking with others, to do something often helps us work through our grief. By doing something positive during this time of sadness, we expand our focus by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities which may help include:
- Planting flowers or a tree in memory of the pet
- Making a charitable donation
- Holding a funeral or memorial service
- Drawing a picture, making a clay sculpture or doing needlework of something that reminds you of your pet (you could do this yourself, or have it done by a professional)
- Placing your pet's nametag on your keyring
- Writing a poem, song, or story
- Composing music or a song
- Creating a memorial photo album or scrap book
- Writing a letter to your pet
- Framing a photograph
- Volunteering your time
[line]
If you have found other helpful information and would like to see it here - please PM it to me along with the website address so I can edit this post to add it and give the website credit for it.
