Tallulah Maesie, the angel bunny

[SnowyShiloh]

The music boxes arrived today! I am rather disappointed about some of the items. The wooden music box I got for Tallulah is most definitely YELLOW, very yellow. In the picture, it looks white, and the description says it's white. There are also a couple of little cracks in the finish and the quality just doesn't seem that great, it kind of seems like an overpriced item you'd find at a gift shop catering to tourists. So, back it goes!

I'm probably going to send the Beatrix Potter box back too. The twirling bunny is actually secured to the spring with hot glue and the music box part sounds kinda bad. I may decide to keep it though.

I'm going to keep the hummingbird figurine. It's pretty darn cute! There are a couple misplaced droplets of glue on it, and the music box part (which is electronic) sounds terrible, but I didn't buy it because of the music box. It's sweet and pretty, so I'll keep it!

Surprisingly, the thing I like the most is the lop eared bunny with the bouquet. She's so pretty, and all the flowers were handmade. She's pretty tall too, over 8 inches! The music box sounds lovely, though I think there may have been a mistake in the construction of it because a couple of notes in one part of the song are wrong. For some reason that doesn't really bother me though.

Lessons learned: don't buy a $150 item that I can't inspect personally first! I think I'm just going to keep my eyes open for a nice box for the bunnies' ashes. I'm actually considering re-thinking how I arrange Tallulah's memorial spot on my dresser. I may have the lop eared bunny as the main thing, with the framed picture of Tallulah next to it, the birdhouse and the little hummingbird figurine. Then maybe I'll put her ashes in a small glass bottle with a cork and a little ribbon and set it by the porcelain rabbit. Regardless, I'll take pictures of the set up!

 

[Jenk]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

I'm...considering re-thinking how I arrange Tallulah's memorial spot on my dresser. I may have the lop eared bunny as the main thing, with the framed picture of Tallulah next to it, the birdhouse and the little hummingbird figurine. Then maybe I'll put her ashes in a small glass bottle with a cork and a little ribbon and set it by the porcelain rabbit.

That sounds like it would be an especially lovely setup:a wonderfully sweet tribute to a wonderfully sweet bunny.:hearts:

ink iris:

 

[SnowyShiloh]

I haven't posted here in almost a month, and it's been a little more than 3 months since Tallulah died. I only had her for 4 months and 3 weeks, so it's weird to think that she's been gone more than half the amount of time I had her She would have been 10 1/2 months old now. I haven't posted here lately, but I think about Lulu every day many times. I miss her like mad. Seeing pictures of baby lops brings up so many emotions. She was such a wonderful baby girl and touched me so much, I'll never stop missing her.

Last night I dreamed that the house was on fire (a recurring dream I had with Cinnabun for years), and I couldn't find her. I was frantically digging in pillows and blankets on the couch looking for her so I could save her from the fire. I don't know why she would have been under pillows and blankets.

I remember how she'd snuggle down when I petted her on the head, and how she'd lay on my lap when I rubbed her belly. Her super silky ears that she loved to have rubbed, and how cute her little butt was when she hopped around. How she adored Rory and seemed like she'd hit it off with Skyler. She had orange spots down her back, and a couple random little spots on the right side of her back. It makes me sad to think that I can't remember if all her whiskers were one color or if some were dark and some were white... I think some were dark and some were white.

I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!), but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.

Paul says we can get another rabbit when we move into a bigger apartment. Our lease expires at the end of May 2009, so we still have a while. I'm hoping he'll change his mind and let me get another bunny before we move, since we may renew our lease again for 2009-2010! I think he wants to wait until we move so we can have a second bedroom for them. I do like the idea of a rabbit room, but I want them out in the living room where I can see them all the time! If they're in a different room, I'll want to bring the couch in here so I can be with them, and if we're going to do that, might as well leave them in the living room! Maybe he'll change his mind before then, after all we only have two rabbits and two cockatiels. At our most, we had three rabbits, a hamster, two cockatiels and three rats! The hammie died a few months ago (he was such a sweet boy), and the ratties all died in the past few months.

I want another rabbit (I can't help but imagine another Holland Lop) both for me and for Skyler. I think he would benefit from having a buddy since he's a friendly little guy. Even though he never bonded with Tallulah, I feel that he's missed out since she died. I am a little afraid though that I won't be able to love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tallulah, Holland Lop or not... I don't think I'm seriously worried about it, but the concern is in the back of my mind.

 

[myheart]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!), but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.

I know what you are talking about. Luna and I are just starting to make a bond for us because I finally feel that I am able to let go of Benjamin and Maggie's relationship. Luna is for Patrick to love, and he does. She is also for me to love and cuddle, and I have just allowed this to happen. She truly is the sweetest and neatest little bun. I am now able to see everything about her (her personality,charm, and humor) that Patrick sees in her and I am totally falling in love with her essence.

Love just takes time especially when grief is half of the equation. Sometimes it is a difficult lesson to learn.

myheart

 

[TinysMom]

I'm going to respond to pieces of your post below....and while I'm sharing from my own experience - please know that I'm not trying to make light of yours..ok?

SnowyShiloh wrote:

but I think about Lulu every day many times. I miss her like mad. Seeing pictures of baby lops brings up so many emotions. She was such a wonderful baby girl and touched me so much, I'll never stop missing her.

It's been over a year since GingerSpice passed. I don't think of her every day now - but I used to. It's been over 6 months since Tiny passed - and yes - I still think of him every day.

I guess what I'm saying is...you're going to think of her every day. She was a special part of your life and at some point you may reach a point where you don't think of her every day - but very often. If that happens - don't beat yourself up - I think it is the heart's way of healing somehow...I don't know.

I can think about GingerSpice now and not bawl my eyes out (although I do still tear up). With Tiny - I cry just about every time I think of him....I'm not sure how much more I can cry anymore. But the other day I talked about him...and laughed.

I really have been wondering how you were doing - so I am glad to see you posting about this.


I remember how she'd snuggle down when I petted her on the head, and how she'd lay on my lap when I rubbed her belly. Her super silky ears that she loved to have rubbed, and how cute her little butt was when she hopped around. How she adored Rory and seemed like she'd hit it off with Skyler. She had orange spots down her back, and a couple random little spots on the right side of her back. It makes me sad to think that I can't remember if all her whiskers were one color or if some were dark and some were white... I think some were dark and some were white.

She really was adorable. Of course, I love the broken pattern - particularly in lops. I know you can't remember all of the little details - but I also know you can remember her - her spirit - her favorite things. Those are the things you'll carry with you and they'll comfort you for the rest of your life.

I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!), but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.

Losing her did sap your reserves and it broke your heart. Of course you weren't ready to love another bunny right off....even if you'd already had him and were in the "starting to bond" time. It takes the heart time to heal - to rebuild from the broken pieces when it shatters. It takes time to get that emotional energy back...

When I lost Pow Wow - who had been living with "Cordelia" - I was angry. Why did God take Pow Wow and leave me the twerp? Cordie needed me...but I needed Pow Wow. (I'd had so many losses - and my heart was so broken).

But as time passed and I healed - Cordie and I bonded. When she passed a while ago - I was totally devastated. I still think of her and cry.

The thing is ... my heart needed to heal from losing Pow Wow - in order to be able to accept and love Cordelia. It took time...it also took actions on my part to spend time with Cordelia - to learn to accept her for who she was and not as Pow Wow #2.

Your heart is healing now - you may find yourself wanting to spend more time with Skyler...noticing more things about him that you enjoy. And that's natural...because as we heal....we can open ourselves up to other things. (At least that's my belief and experience).

I want another rabbit (I can't help but imagine another Holland Lop) both for me and for Skyler. I think he would benefit from having a buddy since he's a friendly little guy. Even though he never bonded with Tallulah, I feel that he's missed out since she died. I am a little afraid though that I won't be able to love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tallulah, Holland Lop or not... I don't think I'm seriously worried about it, but the concern is in the back of my mind.

I already have learned that I'll never love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tiny...or Ginger...or New Hope...or some of those "heart bunnies". Its always going to be different. Sometimes it feels like less love - sometimes its more like its a different type of love. I can't really explain it.

I think the losses I've had - have taught me that I'm going to lose them all...at some point in time. So I try to cherish the days with them and really enjoy them - but not quite hold them so tightly to my heart because I can't grieve the same way again. I can't really explain it - but when GingerSpice died - it was like I shut down almost totally as far as being a functioning human goes. I couldn't handle life because the grief was so painful.

I can't get to that point again - if only because I have other bunnies here who need me. So I try to not hold them to my heart so much that they will devastate me like that again.

I'm probably not saying it right.

I still love all of my bunnies and I do still have heart bunnies. But I guess with all the losses I've had - its taught me that I'm going to lose them anyway. So I'm trying to remember that all the time...that barring an accident or illness...I will outlive them and I will have to grieve again.

In time - you'll bond with Skyler - and even if you don't have the same bond - it will be the bond that works for you two.

I wanted so badly to bond with Zeus but the fact is - he's happy where he's at (in the garage) and he loves his life as it is. It isn't what I want - but you know what? I enjoy it anyway. Everytime he comes running over for banana or lettuce or whatever..I enjoy the bond we do have.

I'll be praying for you and Skyler...actually - for all of you guys.

You'll make it through this. I promise.

Tallulah took a piece of your heart with her...but you will recover. It sounds like the healing is already taking place.

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Peg and Myheart, thanks for all your insight. It's nice to know that I'm not a bad bunny mom for bonding slowly with Skyler. Good news is that I can tell our bond has strengthened in the past few days! However, today I haven't been feeling well and I guess when you don't feel well, you can't help but think about depressing things, because I've been thinking about Lulu all day. Not about the happy times, but the moment that she died in my arms and how her body felt the next morning after being in the fridge all night, when I took her out to hold her and kiss her one last time before bringing her body to the vet for the necropsy. Thinking about how terrible she must have been feeling and how maybe things could have ended differently. Ugh.

I've also been thinking about how badly I want another baby lop girl, but Paul doesn't want one right now... Remember the Holland Lop breeder I mentioned earlier? Well, I'll be in Seattle in 3 weeks and if Paul gave me permission, I could bring home one of the darling babies. This sounds so cheesy, but it's like my heart is yearning for another baby Holland Lop and no other breed of rabbit will do. When I see pictures of other people's baby lops, I just melt and want one so badly. It looks like that won't be happening for a long time though

More whining, I feel so bad that I'd consider calling in sick tomorrow if I still feel like this then, but of COURSE tomorrow is Saturday, the busiest day at our store, and of COURSE the one other time I called in sick (had a terrible cold, it would have been a disaster if I'd gone to work) was on a Sunday (nearly if not equally as busy as Saturday) and only a month ago :X They'd probably fire me if I called in tomorrow. I plan on applying to work at the vet clinic sometime this week, but who knows how soon they could hire me and I don't feel like being unemployed until then. Plus I've never been fired before and really don't want to have that ever happen!

 

[Jenk]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

...I've never been fired before and really don't want to have that ever happen!

That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (How well I know. )

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Jen, I went to work the day after I made that last post, and partway through the day I started feeling better What a relief! I don't think I'm going to be at that job much longer though because I'm going to apply to work at the vet clinic I take my bunnies to. I have a friend who works there and know 2 other girls who work there, they all really like it and you get health insurance after 6 months. I think I'd enjoy working at the vet office a lot more, and if my bunnies ever get sick, I can just take them with me to work!

I miss Mae so much. I've been thinking a lot about the first time I saw her in person, when we went to pick her up. She was in an itty bitty cage (just a temporary cage, she didn't live in it) in the spare room and was so adorable and little... Way cuter than the picture I saw! All I could say was how cute and little she was. She had the softest, fluffiest baby fur and her ears were all crazy with one ear up and one down. I also keep thinking of how she looked hopping away from me the morning of the day she died. I could see something was wrong with her and after I pulled her out of the cage to take a look, I put her down on the floor while I called the vet. She still had enough energy to move around and hopped away from me across the living room. For some reason, the mental image of her hopping away has really stuck with me. She hopped over to the bathroom door, then turned around and hopped over to sit at her favorite spot outside Rory's cage with her nose through the bars. Even though she felt so sick, she still wanted his company (even though he didn't want hers!). She was such a darling little baby, I hope I can love a new bunny like I loved her.

 

[Jenk]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

She was such a darling little baby, I hope I can love a new bunny like I loved her.

I've zero doubt that you'll be able to love another bun as fiercely as you did sweet Tallulah. We love each of them for the individuals that they are, but love is love is love....Personally, I can love another beastie(bun, cat, dog, etc.) just as deeply as one whom I've lost; but I alwayslove the new member for him-/herself--not as a stand-in for the one who's passed over the Bridge. And I know that that will be the case for you, too: You'll give the right amount of love to another bun in need of it. (Tallulah would be proud of you for doing so, I just know it. :hug

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Jenk, thanks for the encouragement! I think you're right.

I've had a bad day... There's been a bunch of drama the past couple days. I found Tallulah's mom, Olivia, for sale, but the breeder who has her (not Tallulah's breeder) won't let me buy her. The hope and exhilaration of thinking I was going to get to adopt Mae Mae's mama, followed by the disappointment and (I'll admit it) anger of not being permitted to is just too much. Today I feel a little like I've lost Lula all over again

 

[Jenk]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

Jenk, thanks for the encouragement! I think you're right.

I've had a bad day... There's been a bunch of drama the past couple days. I found Tallulah's mom, Olivia, for sale, but the breeder who has her (not Tallulah's breeder) won't let me buy her. The hope and exhilaration of thinking I was going to get to adopt Mae Mae's mama, followed by the disappointment and (I'll admit it) anger of not being permitted to is just too much. Today I feel a little like I've lost Lula all over again

:hug2: I've been following your story and remain in shock over it. I can't figure out for the life of me what "Olga" has against the idea of you giving Olivia a very loving home. :huh I hope/pray that she comes to her senses and does right by you and sweet Olivia.

 

[SnowyShiloh]

I haven't written here in a month and a half! I keep meaning to, but it makes me sad. By now, everyone knows I got another bunny on that trip to Washington My darling, precious, sassy little Phoebe Mae. She's done for my heart what no other person or bunny could do- helped me heal from Tallulah. As much as I love Rory and Skyler, I'm not sure why I needed a new bunny to help me, but I definitely did. I still think about Tallulah a lot, but so much less than before... Before I found Phoebe Mae, my sadness about Tallulah was always right under the surface, always present in my mind. I felt a little guilty about how quickly Phoebe Mae brought me happiness, but it's not because I don't love Tallulah.

Phoebe Mae was named after Tallulah. Mae is of course after Tallulah's nickname (and what I called her most of the time), Mae Mae. Paul scowls at me when I sometimes accidentally call Phoebe "Mae Mae"!. Phoebe was a moon goddess, and I've always been able to see a bunny on the moon. I plan to get that tattoo of Tallulah on the moon soon.

Phoebe Mae is part Holland Lop and part Mini Rex. Her fur is very silky, but not rexy. Her ears stick up like a Mini Rex, but are a lot longer than Mini Rex ears- they're more like Holland ears. They are quite erect and never lop. Her face and body type are definitely rexy, as she's grown older (she's 14 weeks now) she looks so beautiful, sleek and graceful. She's white with orange spots and then black flecks on the orange. She's gorgeous, if I may say so. I love her so much, you all were right not to be worried about being able to love her as much as Tallulah! I can see Tallulah in her in some ways, they're definitely different bunnies, but I think that's probably a good thing. It was so odd having Phoebe Mae at my mom's house in Washington, in all the same places Tallulah was less than a year ago. They came home on the plane in the same carrier and visited the same vet for the pre-flight health certificate. I have a lot of pictures of Phoebe Mae and Tallulah in the same places or positions...

I can't believe Tallulah has been gone for longer than I had her. I had that day marked in my mind but didn't have the heart to post in this thread then. I've had Skyler now longer than I had Tallulah. I can't believe she was only with me for 5 months...

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Here are some of the Tallulah and Phoebe Mae pictures that are similar. I have photos of Phoebe Mae in front of the dog and cat painting in my mom's bathroom, but they're stuck on her computer so I'll have to wait until Christmas to post them!

In the bathtub at my mom's house (the temporary "cage" both stayed in their first couple days!):

Stuffed animal kisses:

Stripey pants:

Paul and bunnies:

Autumn:

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Today would have been my baby's first birthday. I feel so cheated that she isn't with me. She should have been with me for years and years still. I miss my first princess... No matter how much I love Phoebe Mae, Tallulah should be with me. The videos and pictures of her right before she died are right on the first and second pages of my Photobucket album, I cringe whenever I see her looking like that. For some reason the photos of her wrapped in the towel after she died don't disturb me as deeply, maybe because she looked so peaceful...

I'm going to do something to honor Tallulah today. I'll have to think about what I want to do. Something special for the other bunnies and something for me.

 

[Jenk]

SnowyShiloh wrote:

Today would have been my baby's first birthday. I feel so cheated that she isn't with me. She should have been with me for years and years still. I miss my first princess... No matter how much I love Phoebe Mae, Tallulah should be with me.

For whatever reason/lesson that we don't understand, she had to leave you (for now). But you can still love her, and she, no doubt, still loves you. :hug:

I'm going to do something to honor Tallulah today. I'll have to think about what I want to do. Something special for the other bunnies and something for me.

I think that's a wonderful idea; Tallulah will be touched. :hearts:

 

[mouse_chalk]

:hug:

 

[LuvaBun]

Thinking of you!

have you decided what you are going to do to honour her?

Jan

 

[SnowyShiloh]

I miss my baby :tears2: I was looking at pictures of her... I need to get her photos into the scrap book I bought last winter, I haven't added any pictures since she died. I know I've said this many times in this thread, but it feels like Tallulah was just a dream. It feels like Phoebe Mae has been here forever. Somehow Phoebe's presence feels much more grounded in reality to me than Tallulah did, maybe because I feel like she'll be with me for a long time and always kind of felt that Tallulah would only be on Earth for a short while. I can say that I love my Phoebe Bear as much as I loved Tallulah now. They're such different bunnies, but so connected. I try to appreciate each cuddle with my bunnies like it could be the last one.

 

[Jenk]

I was just thinking about you and Tallulah yesterday and considered sending you a PM today to "check-up" on you; the timing of your post is a bit eerie (in a good way ).

SnowyShiloh wrote:

...It feels like Tallulah was just a dream. It feels like Phoebe Mae has been here forever. Somehow Phoebe's presence feels much more grounded in reality to me than Tallulah did, maybe because I feel like she'll be with me for a long time and always kind of felt that Tallulah would only be on Earth for a short while.

I can understand your meaning. The kitten I lost, when she was just six-months-old, seems like a misty memory. Even seeing photos of her now almost make me wonder, Whose cat is that?

...I love my Phoebe Bear as much as I loved Tallulah now. They're such different bunnies, but so connected.

That makes sense; the human heart has the capacity to love equally, despite painful loss.

I try to appreciate each cuddle with my bunnies like it could be the last one.

This is a good way to live; I try to do the same but find that I sometimes get overly anxious when I think in terms of "this could be the last day with my baby."

 

[JadeIcing]

It just hit me a couple of days ago that you lost her on the one year of me lossing Sam. If you need to talk I am here. OK?