relationship problems...

[Crisi1987]

im really sorry because ive made like 4 threads in the past couple days. but i guess im having a lot of problems.

ok so, me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost 3 years now.and i thought everything was good. but just tonight someone told me togo on that website called.. myspace and look up his hotmail email. so idid. turns out he has a screen name.. with his name saying that heloves jennifer (his ex gf, my "friend", or so i thought)

okay so.. i did all this sneaky stuff and went on it cause it justdidnt seem right you know? i know what i did was wrong but i had tofind out what was going on. when i went on it i found many emails ofthem writing to eachother saying they love eachother and that he doesntwant to be with his current gf(which is me). some of the typing lookslike his, some of it doesnt. its so confusing. i just dont think of himas a person to do that. and i stupidly let my guard down and trustedhim.

i know these emails are recent because there from this month andaugust. i just dont know what to think right now, or what to do.honestly im scared right now. i thought me and him were good together.he always told me he loved me, and always told me he didnt likejennifer anymore and didnt talk to her. and then i find this out.

i mean i dont know if it even involves both of them. for some reason ithink it could just be all her. i dont know why though. but on it sheeven said he'd talk to her on AIM later and on his AIM buddylist itshows her new screen name as a recent person he talked to. i dont know,im just really confused and not sure what to do.

i know i messed up by actually looking at this stuff, but i know hewould never admit to it or talk about it, and she wont answer my calls.im not sure what to do. i love him a lot, and i thought we were fine.im just really stuck and extremely upset right now. things just arentgoing good for me lately. should i say something more to him aboutthis? i already text messaged him but he hasnt answered, which makes mewonder. and if i called and this was true he wouldnt answer. but imean, what should i do? im really stuck on this.

i didnt expect him to cheat on me like what they say in the emails toeachother. i just cant believe it. i dont know what to think about it.im really mad though, and hurt. if its true, i cant believe he betrayedmy trust like that. and also if its true.. she has a boyfriend too...should i talk to her boyfriend about it too so he knows or not? ivenever dealt with this before and its heartbreaking.

 

[Bassetluv]

(((Crisi)))

I don't think it would be a good idea to talk to your friend'sboyfriend. If your friend is cheating on him with your boyfriend, thenthat is between them. What you should be concerned about is your ownboyfriend's actions.

All of the things you found on 'myspace' certainly do soundincriminating, but I think you need to talk to your boyfriend - inperson - about it. Be honest and tell him that you saw his myspaceaccount, and ask him up front what is going on. If indeed he is stillin love with his old girlfriend, or is still keeping something alivebetween them, then unfortunately, the chances of your own relationshipbeing solid have been taken away. Take it one step at a time; talk tohim, and then determine whether he is or is not being truthful withyou...and if you feel he isn't, then ask yourself if you want to be ina relationship with someone you cannot trust. Being involved withsomeone who is less than honest with you can not only be heartbreaking,but it can lead to many years of pain that could be avoided.

(((Hugs))) to you....

 

[ilovetegocalderon]

Oh my god. I'm so sorry you are goingthrough this. How awful. My two cents is, he isscum. If I found out my fiance was even speaking with a girlhe used to date like that I would cut him loose in a second.You have to put your own self worth first. You, or anyoneelse, does not deserve to be treated like that. Ugh, what ajerk. Get rid of him. You can do better thanthat. You deserve to be somebody's #1.

 

[Linz_1987]

That is really awful! I am sorry youfound out he isnt the person you thought he was. Sometimesthat happens. You should question him up frontabout it, I would. That would put him on the spotto answer. Listen to his answer, and act on it. Ifit is clear he is making something up on the spot then he isnt worththe bother any longer. But if you can sort something outbetween you, then there might be hope for you!

Personally from hearing what he might of done, he is not worth it and you can do so much better than that!

I will always be here for you ink iris:

 

[Crisi1987]

thank you a lot! it actually made me cry. lolbut not in a bad way. i cant talk to him about it, believe me ivetried, but he just wont talk to me. i called his house this morningbecause i wanted to ask him about it, and he picked up the phone, hungit up, then texted me saying "i dont want to talk to you anymore". so ijust told him he has to talk to me about it sooner or later, i told himi deserve to know whats been going on. i mean at least i think i do. imnot sure that i want to know everything right now, but i guess thesooner the better. i told my grandpa last night about it cause i reallycouldnt take it and i had to talk to someone, and my grandpa startedcrying cause he always liked my boyfriend.

i told one of my best friends about it too, but unfortunatelyi found out that someone read what she said... and told tom(jennifersboyfriend...jennifer as in.. matts ex gf.. not so ex anymore i guess)so tom called me and asked to come over so he could see everything forhimself. i didnt really know what to say, so i just let him sit in theroom by himself and look through everything, i could hear him cry forabout 20 minutes. i felt terrible for him. i asked him if he thought itseemed real and he said yea, that theres no way someone could have donethat as a joke or anything.

he printed out all the emails and i guess he just showed jennifer them,and now i think hes going to matts house to talk to him... i actuallyasked him to. i went over to toms house this morning and told him aboutme calling matts house and what happened, and i asked him if he wouldtry to talk to matt so we can know everything thats going on. sohopefully ill hear from him soon about it.

ive never been heartbroken like this before... im not quite sure whatto do. me and matt have the exact same friends, so im not sure howthatll work out... but so far mostly everyone has taken mine and tomsside on this. but i dont want them to stop being friends with matt. ihonestly right now dont care about jennifer.

it just makes me so upset that he could actually tell another girl thathe loves her behind my back. i feel like i should make one of thoseslow songs about a cheating boyfriend lol.

but really, i appreciate what you guys have said. its helped a lot sofar. but i dont think ill feel completely better until i talk to himabout it. but hes too scared to admit to it. hes lied to me before. helied to me for over a year and a half about smoking. i gag and prettymuch stop breathing if im around smoke, i had some problem when i waslittle and had holes in my lungs from it and had to go on a flight forlife. but i was little and dont remember it. im just told about it alot. but anyways, i had a feeling he was smoking.. i could smell it onhim, i found a lighter in his car that he denied was his so i threw itout the window.. haha....

i would always ask him if he was smoking and he'd say no. ugh. then ifound cigarettes in his car and showed them to him.. and he stilldenied it. i was so angry about it... but i wasnt ready to break upwith him i guess. weve been through a lot, and have had a lot of goodtimes. so its really hard for me. i hope this never happens again.

and you know whats weird? matt seemed like such a nice guy, a guy thata lot of people picked on, especially when i went out with him, a lotof people were mad at me for it. cant figure out why but whatever.either way, i thought he was nice, and he turned out to be... well likeyou said.. a jerk.. and scum

 

[Crisi1987]

ok so how stupid do they think i am? lol

now matts MAD at me.. he wont say why. hes just mad cause i caught him cheating. whatever

and jennifer is in her room crying and wont talk to anyone...honestly... her fault. i dont really think she should be crying... howis she being hurt? if she really loved tom she never would have cheatedon him. and im starting to realize that about matt.

i just thought id add that lol. cause it makes me upset that matt isnow blaming all this on me... I WAS THE BAD GIRLFRIEND..thats what he says anyways. i dont get it.. how was i the bad person inthat relationship? i never once cheated on him, i never lied aboutthings like him, i would never even consider hurting him in a way likethat. too bad he wont actually talk or listen to me so i could get allthis out.. to him

EDIT: i just called tom and talked to him about things. he told me hewent to jennifers house and told her they cant go out anymore and sheasked why and he threw the papers on the floor in front of her (thepapers he printed of their emails) and she read them and told him itwasnt her fault that she wrote them and that she didnt mean to... whatan excuse. matt works tonight, so tom is going to take me to mattshouse later tonight so i can get all of my things and me and tom wantto talk to his parents about everything.

is it wrong to do this? but i just feel like i should talk to hisparents, i mean they were like my parents, his whole family was like myfamily. i was really close with them. and i know matt wont ever tellher what really happened. i just feel deep down that i should show themthe emails and explain to them what i found out happened. i love themlike my own parents, and theyd go crazy wondering where i am when inever come to their house. im going to miss them... more than ill missmatt... grrr

 

[maherwoman]

Oh, Sweetie...I'm so sorry to see that you'regoing through this. How aweful that people think they cantreat others like this. Yes, you're right..he and Jenniferare BOTH scum for doing this to the ones that love them. Inmy opinion, if you don't wish to be with someone anymore, and wish tobe with someone different, END THINGS with your current loveinterest. If the desire is no longer there, then it's justcruel to sit there and pursue things with someone else, keeping theperson that loves them hanging on, thinking things are fine.How deceitful and horrible.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, and did the right thing bylooking at his myspace profile. It's not like you've beengoing out 3months...it's been 3 YEARS...you have EVERY right to knowwhat's going on, and that you've been lied to. Don't letANYONE make you feel bad for that. You are NOT wrong in this.

Please remember who's the bad guy (and girl) in this situation, and Iwould recommend keeping in touch with Tom to be sure he's okay, too (ifhe doesn't mind), and being there for each other as friends inrecuperating from all this heartbreak. It would be reallyhealing for both of you, I think, especially if you're alreadycomfortable being around him and such. Know what I mean?

I think Matt and Jennifer are cowards for not ending things with youand Tom when they wanted to move on. That's just plaincallous and careless. ESPECIALLY to then try to make you andTom feel bad for the whole thing.

You've been loyal and loving for the entire past three years, and havenothing to feel badly about, except that someone took your heart andthrew it away like it meant nothing. And I'm so sorry if thathurts to read, I don't mean to be harsh, Sweetie...I have VERY littletolerance for cheaters, as they just don't care about ANYBODY, and itshows. I've been cheated on before, more than once, and Iknow how you're feeling and what you're going through.

Feel ABSOLUTELY free to PM me if you need to talk, need encouragement,need someone to send you hugs and love...ANYTHING. I'mtotally and completely here for you, Hun!

I know it's not much consolation at a time like this, but you do haveyour RO Family backing you up and supporting you throughthis. Post things ANYTIME you feel the need to talk aboutsomething. That's what we're here for!! That's whatfamily is for!

Much love and hugs to you, :hearts::group:heartbeat:hug1:hug:

Rosie*

P.S. GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself and takingcharge in finding out the truth. It shows you are an amazing,strong, awesome woman and that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!You'll be happy someday that you took charge and handled this the waythat you did. I know it hurts now, but believe me, you have ALOT to be proud of! My hat's off to ya, Girl!!
:great:
And to them, I say: :whatever

 

[Bassetluv]

now matts MAD at me.. he wont say why. hes just mad cause i caught him cheating. whatever

The reason he is acting mad at you, IMO, is so he can justify tohimself what he has done. I went through the same thing many years agowith my husband; he had an affair when I was pregnant. I had beensuspicious about it for quite a while (actually, I knew it was goingon...I could feel it in my body...but kept denying it to myself) andseveral times I asked him if he was seeing someone. He kept denying it,right up to the day I confronted him when he was in the hospital with aperforated ulcer. (Long story, but he'd gone away to the Valley for NewYears' with his girlfriend, telling me that he was going off to a cabinwith buddies from work. However, he wound up in a Valley hospital whilethere, and had to call me to let me know why he wasn't coming home whenhe'd said..so I found out what hospital he was in and went down there,and confronted him. That's when he finally confessed....and even thenhe tried to blame it on me, saying I caused him to have the ulcer.)

Anyway, in my observations I've come to the conclusion that whensomeone is guilty of something and are caught 'redhanded', they do acouple of things. First, they deny it if at all possible; and if thatdoesn't work, they go on the defensive, get very angry at the personwho they've hurt and accuse them of being the one in the wrong. It's akind of weird defense mechanism, designed to deflect the guilt fromthemselves and justify - again to themselves - that what they didwasn't bad, or was justified in some way.

Should you tell his parents? That's completely up to you. I know thatyou must be feeling terribly hurt right now, and in a lot of pain. Ifyou are close to his parents then you could perhaps tell them thebasics of what happened, though I doubt that showing them the emailsand going into too many specifics would be necessary.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, as I understand just how painful it can be.

 

[Crisi1987]

thank you both for writing. what you both saidhelped a lot too. and really.. thanks for telling me i wasnt doing thewrong thing, he told his friend that he knew he couldnt trust me andnow he knows why.. because im nosey. kind of funny that he said that.im really sorry that both of you went through being cheated on likethat.

but i realize that at least you figured it out and it didnt go on for areally long time. do you think matt will ever talk to me again so wecan talk about this? or is he going to be ignoring me forever.

i thought about talking to his parents, and i agree, im not going toshow them the emails. the things that were said in there would probablymake his mom cry. she always thought matt was "perfect". but i stillwant to talk to her, cause i know when she asks matt where i am and whyim not there, he'll tell her because i did something wrong and he brokeup with me. guys and their pride

 

[maherwoman]

I agree with bassetluv that you don't need toshow his parents the emails. In the end, no matter whathappens, you don't have to worry about what they think...don't letyourself worry about that side of things. People lie all thetime about breakups...and you have to just be able to let that gobecause you won't be able to handle things like that. I knowit hurts to think that they'll believe something aweful about you, butyou have to think about how to heal yourself right now, and not worrytoo much about what people think about the situation. IMO, ifthey decide to believe him (friends or whoever), they don't deserve tobe in your trust and friendship in the first place. Ifthey're true friends/loved ones, they will ask you about anything hetells them to find out for themselves the situation.

I would just try to relax and re-corporate yourself after losing allsemblence of normality like this. Just try to rediscoveryourself and who you are, and don't worry about calling him, or if hecalls, or anything like that. That will come intime. He will have to handle things eventually...I don'tthink people can live having done something like that being with youfor so long, without handling a conversation about things, andclosure. And, honestly, if he can go through the rest of hislife in not having handled closure with you, he deserves whatever comesto him. I truly believe that people get things right back forthe aweful things they've done.

So, try to relax, ok? Try to watch either comedic movies orthrillers or some such...anything but romantic movies...do somethingthat helps you to think about something else.

We're here for ya...so post away. And don't worry about howmuch you post about it, either. We love you and are here tohelp you feel better and be a separate voice if you feel like you'reinsane in how you feel or anything, ok? We're here to bounceideas off of, and everything!

Love and hugs to ya, Hun!!

Rosie*

 

[Crisi1987]

UPDATE: so ive been thinking a lot about this. ihave my friends back, i get to do whatever i want without worryingabout if someone will be mad at me. im happy now... but you know, istill get upset when i think about him.

he finally talked to me, he said hes sorry, that he wants to go outwith me, that he wont do it again, that it didnt mean anything to him.

whatever.. to me none of that stuff means anything. if he cared aboutme, that would have never happened. i went by tom last night to talkand we talked for hours about everything and kind of decided that theway they were talking to eachother in those emails... if they loveeachother and stuff like they said, then they can be happy together. wedont deserve a cheater. no one does. except those two.

matt even had the nerve to write me an email saying: "if we go back outill get the cingular family plan so when we get the bill we can look atit to make sure neither of us is talking to someone we shouldntbe" ummm NO... thats dumb. ididnt do anything wrong, i shouldnt be treated like i cant be trusted.

i miss him a lot, until i think about what he did, then i get mad lol.its like a cycle, im happy and fine with whats going on now, being bymy friends when i want and doing whatever i want, but then im sadbecause i think about him and i miss him, then im angry because i thinkabout them together and what they did. then it continues. im not cryinganymore though! so thats good. i dont even feel like crying.

the only bad thing is, its weird. i have no been able to eat since ifound out. so thats... 3 days now. i try to eat, cause i feel hungry,but when i take a bite of food i feel sick like im going to throw upand i dont feel hungry anymore, so then i dont eat. obviously this isbecause im upset, because really when i found out about them, i almostthrew up, my stomach hurt so bad.

im leaving now cause me and tom are going to talk about what matt saidto me today and what jennifer said to him, and watch the movie "man onfire" its my fav. movie.

wait.. also.. i thought it was kind of rude, all day matts been textmessaging me saying stuff like.. i heard you were by tom, do you likehim, are you going to be with him, do you hug him, all this stuff. asif its any of his business now. hes even expecting me to stop beingfriends with tom "IF" we go out. thats what he said lol.. funny.

 

[aeposten]

Good for you for not taking him back.Confronting him with what he did and having the courage to let him knowthat you won't tolerate being treated like that lets him know what hedid was WRONG and that other women wan't stand for it either! You'requite brave. I know it hurts now, but you should be very proud. You'veset an excellent example.

-Amy

 

[JadeIcing]

I am so amazed by what people come up with whenthey are caught. You are being nice to him as far as Iam concerned. I think you are showing that you are the better person.That you deserve better than what he gave you. I admire the way youhandled this.

Alicia:sweep.....TheMaid, The buns Ringo Starr :runningrabbit:, Samantha Jane:apollo:,Connor Grayson:not listening, Teresa Mekare:bunny19, AND THEREST OF THE ZOO CREW!!!


P.S. I love Man On Fire

 

[maherwoman]

I have to say that you actually sound likeyou're handling things REALLY well! I'm really proud of youand the fact that you continue to stand your ground, and howwonderfullly you're healing with all this. Things could be somuch worse.

I know what you mean about not being able to eat. I'm thesame way when things are too stressful. I've also had it gofor much longer, so I'm not terribly worried for you. Justtry to keep your fluid intake going, and every now and then slip insomething like a milkshake to keep your calorie intake going,too. I know it's nothing like an eatingdisorder, just that your stomach is so stressed that it can't hold ontofood. And what's the point of trying to force it, and thenjust throwing it all back up? So, I totally know where you'reat. You'll find that very soon your appetitewill come back by storm, and you'll be okay again. If it goeson longer than a week, I would suggest possibly talking to a doctor,but our bodies are better protectors than that...your body won't letyou go that long before letting you know you're ready to eat.

Great to hear that you and Tom have talked about things. It'salways good when you have someone to talk to that knows exactly whereyou're at. And you two are exactly right...if they cared,they wouldn't have done anything CLOSE to what they did. And,yeah, nobody deserves a cheater, except maybe another cheater...sothey're perfect for each other. Of course he's going to wantto get a cell plan with you! He doesn't trust others now thathe's so badly broken his trust with you. He'll ALWAYS besuspicious of Jennifer, and she of him...it won't last, but yes, theydefinitely deserve one another.

Anyway, Sweetie...you're doing absolutely wonderful. Don'tworry about anything, just let things happen naturally...follow yourheart and your mind, and you'll do great.

I know it's hard, but you're forging through a VERY difficultexperience, and doing better than most people would! It showsyour strength, and that's always beautiful. Ignore Matt andhis stupid comments...he's jealous that someone else is able to giveyou the understanding and friendship that he wasn't able to and didn'tcare to give. Don't let him rain on your healthy parade,Hun.

We're here for you...keep us updated, ok?

You're wonderful, and worth SO much more than having someone like Mattin your life. And from what I hear, Tom is worth much morethan someone like Jennifer. What a good friend the both ofyou are! Enjoy!

Much Love and Hugs,

Rosie*

 

[Linz_1987]

Im really pleased that you are copingOK! I cant stand people who cheat and expect nobody will findout. Someone ALWAYS does. So whats the point?

Its a great time to be around your friends, so I am glad you havesettled things with them. Just keep up the goodwork and everything will be ok in the end.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, so he obviously wasntthe one for you. But dont give up! Keep on looking