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Elf Mommy
Well-Known Member
It actually willmake a huge difference whether this individual is a female or male. Thegenders deal with physical and mental abuse much differently. It alsowill make a difference whether those doing the beating are male orfemale in respects to the person being abused.
An adult does need to get involved,obviously. That adult could be a school counselor. It could be a coachor a teacher. In some cases, but not many, it could be a parent. Formany, especially with females, the only way out of an abuse cycle is tochange schools. I know that isn't possible in many cases.
Males are different. Usually they aremuch more cut and dry as well. It's us women who make life so miserablefor each other in a mental as well as physical way.
An interesting book to read, that reallydoesn't offer solutions, but insights into the female side ofaggression is:
Odd Girl Out, The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
http://http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0156027348/qid=1092592762/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-7034722-2078207?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
If you can give a little more informationabout how the abuse is happening, I may be able to give more advice. Myminor was in adolescent psychology. I'm not an expert, but I've workedwith children and teenagers for my entire life. I may be able to give asuggestion or two.
Minda
An adult does need to get involved,obviously. That adult could be a school counselor. It could be a coachor a teacher. In some cases, but not many, it could be a parent. Formany, especially with females, the only way out of an abuse cycle is tochange schools. I know that isn't possible in many cases.
Males are different. Usually they aremuch more cut and dry as well. It's us women who make life so miserablefor each other in a mental as well as physical way.
An interesting book to read, that reallydoesn't offer solutions, but insights into the female side ofaggression is:
Odd Girl Out, The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
http://http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0156027348/qid=1092592762/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-7034722-2078207?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
If you can give a little more informationabout how the abuse is happening, I may be able to give more advice. Myminor was in adolescent psychology. I'm not an expert, but I've workedwith children and teenagers for my entire life. I may be able to give asuggestion or two.
Minda
pamnock
Well-Known Member
My heart breaks for this young person.It is a very difficult situation to address in the public school andthe victim of the torment often remain quiet for fear ofretribution. It is especially hard for girls due to theirnature. I don't know if this situation involves a female, butI found the book "The hidden aggression of girls" quite an eye openerin the nature of high school girls and their cruelty. Can'tremember the author, but it's likely that it's the same person Mindareferred to in the website.
I feel very bad that I don't have any kind of good answer for thesehorrible acts of cruelty. Those kids should be heldresponsible and a school meeting held with all parties presentincluding all the parents. Unfortunately, getting the victimto agree to something like this is next to impossible.Shockingly, the parents will often defend the bully's behavior andblame the victim.
Personally, I'd file charges against the bullies. An adult isnot expected to endure such treatment -- why should our preciousyouth? This is assult, and it is ILLEGAL!!!!! Doparents need to send body guards to school with their kids?
How did we handle the situation? I pulled my kids out of the school and now homeschool.
Pam
I feel very bad that I don't have any kind of good answer for thesehorrible acts of cruelty. Those kids should be heldresponsible and a school meeting held with all parties presentincluding all the parents. Unfortunately, getting the victimto agree to something like this is next to impossible.Shockingly, the parents will often defend the bully's behavior andblame the victim.
Personally, I'd file charges against the bullies. An adult isnot expected to endure such treatment -- why should our preciousyouth? This is assult, and it is ILLEGAL!!!!! Doparents need to send body guards to school with their kids?
How did we handle the situation? I pulled my kids out of the school and now homeschool.
Pam
Thanks Pamnock and Minda.
It is a female that they're physically and mentally abusing. She isn'tgoing to be pulled out of school unfortunately. There's little adultscan do when they're not around and this poor thing is cornered.
Again, this is a member of this community that you'd never know she hada problem in the world. She's nothing but loving and happy with eachone of us.
It breaks my heart too, Pamnock. I also was at a loss as to what adviceto give, especially since laws aren't great on this issue and adultscan't be there all the time to protect her. Poor thing. I can't imaginewhat it's like to be getting closer to going "back to school".
I hope that somehow, someway, someone can come up with a suggestion that will help this Dear Heart.
The only thing I can think of is taking self-defense courses or boxing.
-Carolyn
It is a female that they're physically and mentally abusing. She isn'tgoing to be pulled out of school unfortunately. There's little adultscan do when they're not around and this poor thing is cornered.
Again, this is a member of this community that you'd never know she hada problem in the world. She's nothing but loving and happy with eachone of us.
It breaks my heart too, Pamnock. I also was at a loss as to what adviceto give, especially since laws aren't great on this issue and adultscan't be there all the time to protect her. Poor thing. I can't imaginewhat it's like to be getting closer to going "back to school".
I hope that somehow, someway, someone can come up with a suggestion that will help this Dear Heart.
The only thing I can think of is taking self-defense courses or boxing.
-Carolyn
m.e.
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I work with a youth group, and I always recommendto any of the girls, that if they are having problems, to look into aself-defense class. In fact, one of the students who is nervous aboutgoing into high school ask about it, and I said it might be even morefun to do it with a couple of her friends. That way, not only does sheknow she can protect herself, it gives her an inner strength andself-confidence to deal with people that are bullying her.
~M
~M
MyBabyBunnies
Well-Known Member
Carolyn,
I sent a private message to you.
I sent a private message to you.
pamnock
Well-Known Member
Knowing it is a young lady makes it all the moredifficult to resolve, as the girls often wish to remain quiet aboutthetorment.
Unfortunately, self defense courses (while a good idea in general) willnot help to remedy the situation and will actually get the victimsuspended with no resolution to the problem. Stephanie (mydaugther) was certainly well prepared to defend herself if necessary,having taken Karate. She was emotionally tormented andphysically threatened. We live right in town, and someone hadto be with her at all times, including our local fair. WhenSteph was escorted, the bullies did not approach her.
Harassment and physical assault are *crimes* and should bereported. The parents of these bullies had better wake up andbe accountable. I do know it's a struggle -- the police inour area do not wish to be bothered. The subversive behavior,unfortunately is harder to identify although just as cruel.
Girls are cruel -- I am nearly in tears remembering the heartbreak mydaughter went through when we moved here. It was a horriblenightmare. To the young lady -- yes, I do understand what youare going through and have witnessed such cruelty involving my owndaughter. A beautiful, kind and thoughtful young girl becameresentful and began to hate herself to the depths of hersoul. I began to worry that she might actually attempt totake her own life because she fell into such a depression.
I am so thankful that those terrible times have passed -- we removedher from the situation and she grew to see that it was actually thebullies who were insecure, unloved and their hearts were festering likeopen wounds.
We do understand and our hearts go out to you . . .
With much love,
Pam
If you ever need someone to talk to (such as myself or my daughter)please email me[email protected]My daughter has aol and has a couple good shoulders to cry on whetheron-line or on the phone.
Carolyn has much love to give and as you already know, can certainly help get you through some tough times.
Unfortunately, self defense courses (while a good idea in general) willnot help to remedy the situation and will actually get the victimsuspended with no resolution to the problem. Stephanie (mydaugther) was certainly well prepared to defend herself if necessary,having taken Karate. She was emotionally tormented andphysically threatened. We live right in town, and someone hadto be with her at all times, including our local fair. WhenSteph was escorted, the bullies did not approach her.
Harassment and physical assault are *crimes* and should bereported. The parents of these bullies had better wake up andbe accountable. I do know it's a struggle -- the police inour area do not wish to be bothered. The subversive behavior,unfortunately is harder to identify although just as cruel.
Girls are cruel -- I am nearly in tears remembering the heartbreak mydaughter went through when we moved here. It was a horriblenightmare. To the young lady -- yes, I do understand what youare going through and have witnessed such cruelty involving my owndaughter. A beautiful, kind and thoughtful young girl becameresentful and began to hate herself to the depths of hersoul. I began to worry that she might actually attempt totake her own life because she fell into such a depression.
I am so thankful that those terrible times have passed -- we removedher from the situation and she grew to see that it was actually thebullies who were insecure, unloved and their hearts were festering likeopen wounds.
We do understand and our hearts go out to you . . .
With much love,
Pam
If you ever need someone to talk to (such as myself or my daughter)please email me[email protected]My daughter has aol and has a couple good shoulders to cry on whetheron-line or on the phone.
Carolyn has much love to give and as you already know, can certainly help get you through some tough times.
Dear Laura,
Thank you. I received it and will pass it on. Thank you so much for your help.
* * * * * * * * * *
And thank you also, m.e. I do think that self defense courses would bea proactive way to start. Unfortunately, at times when these bulliesstart with this poor thing, she's got no one else to defend her butherself.
-Carolyn
Thank you. I received it and will pass it on. Thank you so much for your help.
* * * * * * * * * *
And thank you also, m.e. I do think that self defense courses would bea proactive way to start. Unfortunately, at times when these bulliesstart with this poor thing, she's got no one else to defend her butherself.
-Carolyn
Pamnock,
I know that your notes will touch the deepest part of her heart.
Thank you so much. She may just take you up on that offer.
I, too, worry about suicide in these situations. I very much worry about that.
This young lady has had the courage to tell me. We have people from allwalks of life, experiences, ages, and wisdom and I didn't want to loseout on what you all had to say; that is why I posted this.
Thank you all so much.
All my love,
-Carolyn
happybunny
Member
I know I can't really help, but when i wasyounger I used to be teased by some girls at a club I used to go tobecauseI was home-schooled.I used to find it very hard tocope with, I never told anyone. I wish that I had done something aboutit then. I don't know why or how i put up with it for so long. The onlyreason that I kept going back there is I was afraid to tell anybody. Ithink the best thing she can do is Get some help. I think its amazingthat shes had the courage to tell anyone.
I hoped I've helped in some way
Luv Happybunny
I hoped I've helped in some way
Luv Happybunny
rabbitgirl
Well-Known Member
so sorry to hear that....words don't seem to help, you know?
but lots of love!
anyway, just to echo what others have said...my brothers are blackbelts in tae kwon do. They practice on me all the time, and I cantestify to the effectiveness of martial arts! (lol!) They can disablean attacker without harming him, and they teach women and even kids?todo the same in their classes.
Being a very very tiny woman, I've been thinking about learning some ofthis myself, just in case my "bodyguards" aren't around! So it'sdefinitely something you might want to consider. The goal of martialarts is to prevent conflict, and it works!
Check out this webpage, anyway
www.otma.net
This is the boys' school, and it may give you an idea of what it's all about.
God bless, hope for better days,
Rose
Rowan
Well-Known Member
I just wish I could say something to help you, itsounds like you've been through way too much alone. Is there anyone whocan give you support at the school? Sometimes it's not the obviouspeople or even the ones who you'd prefer to be there for you. Failingthat have you got people to help you deal with it outside school thatyou can turn to? The biggest thing is to try and find friends thatreally care for you and are there for you, and that may mean in thelong term changing the friends you have who won'thelp you. Iknow that that can be a lot easier said than done, but it's worth athought. I hope that knowing how much people care for you on this forumhelps a little. I hate that you're having to deal with the loss of yourmother and this as well while you're being there for other people. Tryand have faith thatin the worst case scenarioschooldays don't last forever (they just feel like it) and for a lot ofpeople they certainly aren't the happiest days of our lives. Makesurethat you remember you are a lovely person, worth everyrespect and you deserve to be treated that way and loved andappreciated for who you are. Keep that as a focus even if it's nothappening right now. I hope things change for you really soon. I'mthinking of you and here for you,
Love
Kate
Love
Kate
Elf Mommy
Well-Known Member
This boy needs someserious counseling. Most likely, he is acting out this way due to abuseat home. Most likely, this boy has seen his father hit his mother,uncle hit his aunt, grandfather hit his grandmother, something alongthose lines. Most boys are taught never to strike a girl by theirfathers. If this child is doing so, then he has another frame ofreference. If he's doing it now, at this age, then as he grows up, hewill continue. He will hit his girlfriends; he will hit his wife.
He is in the wrong. There is no doubtabout that. But there has to be something more to this picture. Gettinghelp for him, might be the way to help yourself. If you go to theschool counselor with genuine concern about this boy's well-being, thenyou aren't going as a "whiny child who is being bullied." (Definitelynot how I would think of it, but that mindset is out there,unfortunately.) It might be taken better.
I'm not sure what your relationship withyour parents is like. You're at an age when I know I was continuouslyat odds with my parents. If you can confide in one of your parents,approach it in the manner that you believe this boy is going throughsome personal drama and is taking out his feelings of frustration onyou.
The same thing with your friends. Talk tothem about the boy. How you believe that he's acting out this waybecause of something going on in his home and that you're concernedabout his safety, or the safety of the women in his life--whichincludes yourself and them as well.
Really try to take the upper hand in thissituation. It is very unusual for a boy to be striking out at youinstead of purposefully getting into fights with other boys (althoughthat may be happening as well). I wouldn't try to approach the subjectdirectly with him, though. If his homelife is unhappy and he isstriking out at you, it would be better dealt with by anadult.
Whether you do any of the above or not,just remember, this is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve beinghit, ever. You deserve to beliked, and respected by all youngmen in your life. You deserve to be treated fairly by all young womenin your life. If your friends cannot stand behind you when you reportphysical abuse, then as difficult as it is (and I know it feels likepulling your heart out through your chest), you need to find otherfriends who will show you the caring and respect you need. Please takecare of yourself. We care. We really do.
He is in the wrong. There is no doubtabout that. But there has to be something more to this picture. Gettinghelp for him, might be the way to help yourself. If you go to theschool counselor with genuine concern about this boy's well-being, thenyou aren't going as a "whiny child who is being bullied." (Definitelynot how I would think of it, but that mindset is out there,unfortunately.) It might be taken better.
I'm not sure what your relationship withyour parents is like. You're at an age when I know I was continuouslyat odds with my parents. If you can confide in one of your parents,approach it in the manner that you believe this boy is going throughsome personal drama and is taking out his feelings of frustration onyou.
The same thing with your friends. Talk tothem about the boy. How you believe that he's acting out this waybecause of something going on in his home and that you're concernedabout his safety, or the safety of the women in his life--whichincludes yourself and them as well.
Really try to take the upper hand in thissituation. It is very unusual for a boy to be striking out at youinstead of purposefully getting into fights with other boys (althoughthat may be happening as well). I wouldn't try to approach the subjectdirectly with him, though. If his homelife is unhappy and he isstriking out at you, it would be better dealt with by anadult.
Whether you do any of the above or not,just remember, this is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve beinghit, ever. You deserve to beliked, and respected by all youngmen in your life. You deserve to be treated fairly by all young womenin your life. If your friends cannot stand behind you when you reportphysical abuse, then as difficult as it is (and I know it feels likepulling your heart out through your chest), you need to find otherfriends who will show you the caring and respect you need. Please takecare of yourself. We care. We really do.
pamnock
Well-Known Member
Bobalop wrote:
Bob,
You'll soon find that this is not ordinary "rabbit list".This is a "family". I agree that because she isreceiving little help, she may need to empower herself to solve thisproblem.
I still think she should report the little twit to the police, and givehim a good bloody nose! (opps did I say that outloud)?
Pam
Bob,
You'll soon find that this is not ordinary "rabbit list".This is a "family". I agree that because she isreceiving little help, she may need to empower herself to solve thisproblem.
I still think she should report the little twit to the police, and givehim a good bloody nose! (opps did I say that outloud)?
Pam
dreamgal042
Well-Known Member
The Twits is a great book, have you ever read it? its by Roald Dahl. (i love that name lol)
pamnock
Well-Known Member
Elf Mommy wrote:
Her mother is deceased
I know that our kids can be very reluctant to talk about thesesituations because they are afraid their parents may over react andcause further torment or embarrassment.
Pam
?
Her mother is deceased
I know that our kids can be very reluctant to talk about thesesituations because they are afraid their parents may over react andcause further torment or embarrassment.
Pam
dreamgal042
Well-Known Member
My goodness Carolyn you just jump all over people, dont you?
Sarah
Well-Known Member
If your dad doesn't know, then you shouldprobably tell him. Your father might be able to speak with the schooladministration before school starts. The fact is if the schoolcounselors and administration don't respond to your father's demands tohave this situation remedied they will find themselves in a world oftrouble. As Pamnock said, this is a crime. Constant harrassment is notacceptable regardless of the gender of the parties concerned, but whenit comes to a boy hitting a girl, it is considered even less tolerable.If you can't tell your Dad, can you talk to another relative like anAunt, Uncle, Grandmother etc.?
You DO NOT DESERVE IT. You can not do or say anything that gives anyonethe right to lay a hand on you or mentally abuse you. If your friendsdon't understand how much this boy is hurting you they need to be toldagain. If they refuse, then they must be so wrapped up in this boy thatthey have become bad friends. Friends love and support eachother.
If there is someway you or better yet, your father can talk to theschool before you start classes things might get better quicker. Youmight be able to insure that you're not in the same classes as thislittle jerk. You might even discover that you're not the only oneworried about him.
Some other ideas if talking doesn't work soon enough:
self-defense sounds good
befriending a boy who is nice.?Most likely?the little jerk would notwant to mess with a boy, since he goes around punching girls (sorry forthe sexism, but it's true)
Don't speak to this creep. If he talks to you tell him you don't wantto talk to him. Your friends can hang out with him all they like, whenthey're through they can spend time with you. Say something to yourfriends like "He is too immature for me. I just can't put up with hischildish behavior anymore. He's annoying." or "I don't know how youstand him! He's such a little boy." or "I don't really want toassociate with some little creep who would hit a girl. I mean really,don't you think it's a little weird that he hits us?" or "Look,I like hanging out with guys. He might even be cool if it weren't forthe fact that he hits us! I just think he's more trouble than he'sworth."
I don't know. Sorry this is so long. I'm just worried about you. You'resuch a funny, smart, articulate girl. Feel free to email me as well.I've been handling boy bullies of all ages for a long time. I can't saythat I can help, but I'd be happy to let you vent to me.
Wasn't BuckJones a school teacher? Perhaps he can offer some helpful advice.
-Sarah
You DO NOT DESERVE IT. You can not do or say anything that gives anyonethe right to lay a hand on you or mentally abuse you. If your friendsdon't understand how much this boy is hurting you they need to be toldagain. If they refuse, then they must be so wrapped up in this boy thatthey have become bad friends. Friends love and support eachother.
If there is someway you or better yet, your father can talk to theschool before you start classes things might get better quicker. Youmight be able to insure that you're not in the same classes as thislittle jerk. You might even discover that you're not the only oneworried about him.
Some other ideas if talking doesn't work soon enough:
self-defense sounds good
befriending a boy who is nice.?Most likely?the little jerk would notwant to mess with a boy, since he goes around punching girls (sorry forthe sexism, but it's true)
Don't speak to this creep. If he talks to you tell him you don't wantto talk to him. Your friends can hang out with him all they like, whenthey're through they can spend time with you. Say something to yourfriends like "He is too immature for me. I just can't put up with hischildish behavior anymore. He's annoying." or "I don't know how youstand him! He's such a little boy." or "I don't really want toassociate with some little creep who would hit a girl. I mean really,don't you think it's a little weird that he hits us?" or "Look,I like hanging out with guys. He might even be cool if it weren't forthe fact that he hits us! I just think he's more trouble than he'sworth."
I don't know. Sorry this is so long. I'm just worried about you. You'resuch a funny, smart, articulate girl. Feel free to email me as well.I've been handling boy bullies of all ages for a long time. I can't saythat I can help, but I'd be happy to let you vent to me.
Wasn't BuckJones a school teacher? Perhaps he can offer some helpful advice.
-Sarah
Thanks Sarah.
And Yes, Buck Jones is a retired school teacher along with many other skills he doesn't blow his horn about.
He will certainly reply in this post as soon as he sees it.
Bravo on what everyone else has offered in the way of help, support, and concern.
-Carolyn
