My aunt just sent me this...I had to pass it along...
Since we are in the peak ofthe hurricane season, and since we have all just had the poop scaredout of us, I offer the following:
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather personpointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making twobasic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what youneed to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "thebig one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that youfollow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow thissensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here inFlorida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have homeowners insurance.Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as yourhome meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other areathat might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companieswould prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then theymight be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why theygot into the insurance business in the first place. So you'llhave to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge youan annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of yourhouse. At any moment, this company can drop you like useddental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm coveredby the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which statesthat, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, ondemand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all thedoors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make themyourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, becauseyou make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once youget them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get themall up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will beDecember.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage isthat you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricaneprotection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstandhurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because thesalesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, checkyour yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patiofurniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as aprecaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don'thave a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadlymissiles. Your neighbors will ignore this part, and yourhouse will be destroyed by all manners of "pool toys", yard good andvarious Madonnas they failed to secure.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation routeplanned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lyingarea, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live ina low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is toavoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several milesfrom your home, along with two hundred thousand otherevacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Be sure to follow the advice of "professional" weathermen on TV,because they are the experts. Try not to be too surprisedwhen their recommendation takes you, and three hundred thousand of yourclosest friends, directly into the path of the hurricane. Besure to have lots of gas, beer, and above all, remember that the"hurricane path is not carved in stone."
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Donot buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you waituntil the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get intovicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can ofSPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need thefollowing supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteriesthat turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for theflashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach isfor. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it'straditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to yourleg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it lookscool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate thealligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after thehurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after thehurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with nodiscernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricanedraws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of thesituation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters inrain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and overhow vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from theocean. And on the second day, the President of these UnitedStates will come down, in an air-conditioned helicopter, to "assess thedamage" and check on the "coordination" between his guys and hisbrother's guys and they'll both pat each other on the back and then getthe hell back to an air-conditioned space.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
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