I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancé and I to argue..

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BunnyLove89

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I am 24 and engaged to my best friend. We've been together 1 year and are completely in love.
We get along well for the most part, but one thing we argue about is the fact that I hate being touched. Like I literally get mad when people touch me after I tell them not to. I'm this way with everyone except my animals.
I get where he is coming from, us being engaged and I get mad whenever he tries to snuggle or excessive hugging or touching in general. But I don't feel like I should have to constantly tolerate something I don't like, to satisfy someone else. I hug him when he is upset and when we're saying hello/goodbye/goodnight. And whenever we do anything intimate it is after I've had a few drinks. That's really the only time I get snugly and affectionate.
It probably sounds like I am not attracted to him. That's not the case. If I wasn't attracted to him I would not have said yes to his proposal.
I just hate when anyone touches me in any way, shape, or form.
Is this something I just need to suck up and deal with? And just try and refrain from making "quit touching me" comments? I don't want to keep arguing with him over it if the general consensus is that I need to get over it...
 

Nancy McClelland

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I'd say you need to talk to a professional. You're behavior is way out of the norm and maybe should be looked into for the "whys and wherefores". I don't like to be touched by strangers and have punched a few out of reflex, especially when I was freshly back from combat, but the hugging and cuddling, especially with a loved one just doesn't seem right or needing to drop your cognitive functions with alcohol consumptions indicated to me that you have some underlying problems that YOU need to address.
 

Bville

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Maybe you could do a little introspection to figure out why you don't like being touched. You could also talk to a counselor to help figure it out.
 

Sweetie

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I saw this on the other forum. A lot of people don't like to be touched excessively. I would talk with your husband and see if there is anything that can be worked out. There are times that I don't like being touched. I agree also to talk with a professional about you not liking to be touched. They can help you find ways to solve your issue. I hope things work out for you and your husband.
 

Anaira

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It's not something you need to get over - it's something you need to work through. I agree a therapist could help. In the long term, a marriage won't work, you'll both get frustrated. It might even be possible you're aromantic, which is a perfectly normal way to be, except that you get cuddly after a few drinks.

Don't feel you have to force yourself to do anything you aren't comfortable with.
 

zombiesue

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but the hugging and cuddling, especially with a loved one just doesn't seem right or needing to drop your cognitive functions with alcohol consumptions indicated to me that you have some underlying problems that YOU need to address.
Whoa, that's a REALLY BIG ASSUMPTION...............................................


From someone else who doesn't like to be touched--no. This isn't something you should just suck it up. Whether or not this was caused by trauma in your past is irrelevant--you don't like it, you're probably always not going to like it. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You might get more comfortable with it, but I doubt it will ever completely go away.

IMHO, set up some boundaries. Come up with times that are okay to cuddle. You already mentioned some situations when cuddling doesn't bother you: when he's upset, when you're about to go to sleep. Can you think of some other situations where you think you might be okay with it? Maybe you could schedule a time where it's okay to cuddle. For example, maybe on Tuesday you can make it a routine to watch a movie together, and during the movie you can rub eachother's feet or hold eachothers hands or lean on one another--whatever you think you can do and enjoy it.

Beyond the times that you've declared as okay to cuddle, tell him that he needs to wait for you to come to him.

My husband is also a cuddler, and I am DEFINITELY NOT. Every time he grabs my hand I'm like, why are you holding my hand hostage please let me go. I also don't see what's so awesome about being unable to use my arms/legs/hands when I'm busy, and I'm pretty much always doing something. Maybe I do have "issues" or "problems" but that's not my fault, and my husband agreed to marry me, and that means the whole package. Coming up with times where it's okay has satisfied both his need to feel close to me and keeps me from snapping at him or wanting to tear my hair out when he grabs me randomly and I'm not into it right now.

Remember, both of your needs and desires should be met, NOT just his. And really, if you FORCE yourself through it, he isn't going to enjoy it either. And no matter how hard you try, he will figure it out.

I hope that helps :)
 

whitelop

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I'm also not very touchy-feely. I hate public displays of affection, no one needs to see that. I rarely hold hands with my husband. We sit on the couch together and I put my feet on him or my head on him, but usually we're just really close to each other, but thats about the only time.
My husband on the other hand, is really affectionate and he likes to do all the gross things, like hand holding, walking with his arm around me and I'm like "meh". But I allow it to happen sometimes.
I'm pretty sure that nothing happened to me when I was younger, no traumatic incidents or anything. I think my touching issue stems from my mom not being a toucher or a hugger, we barely made physical contact when I was growing up. I also went to an inner city school, where like 40 kids were crammed into classrooms only big enough for 25, so I was constantly too close to someone when I was a kid, into teenage years.
So after a while of being constantly shoulder to shoulder with someone, you just want your space.

I think what you're going through is normal to an extent. But if you're having to drink to be intimate, thats weird. Sorry, but it is. But your fiance also needs to keep in mind that you are an individual and you're a human, your needs are different than his. He should understand that you don't always need to touch him to show that you love him. He should understand not to push it and you do need to make it clear to him that you probably won't change. It shouldn't be starting fights though. My hub says stuff to me sometimes, but I just tell him 'you married me, this is me' and he knows!

But you're not alone in not wanting to be touched. You might still want to talk to a professional, because some red flags are being thrown up to me.
 

BunnyWabbit

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I think maybe seeing a counselor together might be beneficial for both of you. It could help you with your being touched issues, help him understand them, and help him with his lying issues. Sometimes just having someone to talk to, mediate, and put things in perspective really does help.

Best of luck.
 

Azerane

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I think what you're going through is normal to an extent. But if you're having to drink to be intimate, thats weird. Sorry, but it is. But your fiance also needs to keep in mind that you are an individual and you're a human, your needs are different than his.
I pretty much agree with that there. From your fiance's perspective, the fact that you aren't intimate until you've had something to drink, that could certainly make him feel unsexy or unloved, even if it's not the way you intend. I know it would certainly hurt my feelings, plus I don't always want to be doing someone who's drunk. That's something you definitely need to address in my opinion.

In regards to the general day-to-day touching. I feel like that needs to be a compromise both ways. He needs to understand that you need your space and don't always want to be touched. And you need to understand that he needs some of that contact to help him feel loved. It's possible that if you initiate that contact on a regular basis (once a day or whatever), then he may be less likely to come seeking it more often at other times. Some people simply have different ways of expressing and receiving love, and for someone who's really based around that contact, not receiving it is like not being loved, no matter how much you tell them otherwise. The same for you, if he's pushing too much contact on you, that's going to push you away, so he needs to pull back from that a bit.

Hope you guys can work something out :)
 

dinoclaire

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I think you should seek out a marriage counsellor, rather than just a normal psych or therapist.

This is something that is a problem not for you alone, but for the both of you. You need to work through it together, not alone.
 

squidpop

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I don't have much to add advice wise - but I think the way you feel is not that unusual, some people just don't like to be touched as much as others and some need more personal space. If you're really worried though, it wouldn't hurt to see a counselor.
 

Bville

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I think you should seek out a marriage counsellor, rather than just a normal psych or therapist.

This is something that is a problem not for you alone, but for the both of you. You need to work through it together, not alone.
Please check the dates on the threads you post on. This one is from November of last year. Old posts can sometimes be helpful to research, but commenting on them is usually irrelevant because the person has already solved the problem and moved on after a couple of weeks.
 

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