found out a friend/acquaintance is a registered sex offender

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SnowyShiloh

SnowyShiloh

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2007
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Location
Alaska, USA
Hey guys, I need your advice. I was looking through the sex offender registry for my area and found the profile of one of Paul's friends/coworkers, Mike (not his real name). It says he tried to rape someone back in 1995 but had no other information. His employer info is however out of date. As you can imagine, I'm quite surprised and pretty darn creeped out. We go out to dinner with him and his wife a couple of times a month and actually just had dinner together tonight (before I was looking at the sex offender registry!). I've never been super fond of Mike- he's a little excessively friendly and sometimes gets on Paul's computer at work and chats with me while pretending to be Paul, which I do not like (though it could just be him goofing around as guys tend to do, he never types anything inappropriate). He isn't a mean guy or anything though and his wife is sweet. On the one hand, I don't want to overreact because I don't know the exact circumstances of his offense. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe ANY kind of attempted sexual assault is terrible (without getting into specifics, when I was 18 a man tried to sexually assault me). I tend to take things on the sex offender registry with a grain of salt because we've all heard of 16 year olds being put on the sex offender registry for having consensual sex with another 16 year old and having it be called "sexual assault of a minor." Mike was 19 at the time and it could have been an instance of 2 drunken teenagers and Mike trying to go too far but stopping, or it could have been something much more sinister like attacking a woman in a dark alley and trying to rape her but she escaped.

What do you guys think I should do? I feel like I need to know what exactly happened. Paul wants to just ask him, but he could easily lie. Considering how often we go out with him and his wife (we agreed to spend Thanksgiving together!), I don't feel comfortable meeting up with them if what he did was really severe, but I also don't want to unfriend him if it was more innocent (as innocent as attempted rape can be!). I'm also concerned that his work info hasn't been updated on the sex offender's registry (he's worked at the new place for almost a year), but don't know if it's because he actually did not tell the police he's working somewhere else, or if they're just slow to update the website.
 
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. For some reason the fact that he was 19 leads me to to think that maybe there are circumstances that we aren't totally aware of. A friend of mine got put on that list for streaking...he certainly did NOT expose himself to minors in a sexual manner. It was at a football game.

I re-read your post and changed my answer. If you are agreeing to spend thanksgiving with them I think you might just want to ask...I know that seems rude. It sounds like you are fairly close with the family, and it just seems like it has to happen. You aren't going to be comfortable being around him otherwise, so thats really your only option if you want to maintain the friendship (if it turns out not to be sinister).
 
If it were me, I would gradually stop hanging out with him. I mean, he IS on that list for a reason.trust your gut if you think he's creepy then there may be some truth to that.
 
OMGosh what an awkward situation. If you feel comfortable asking him then go ahead, but like you said he can just lie. If it was me I would probably just back away from being their friend, you already say that he does somethings that you feel wierd about , and now knowing what you know I would just back off. Even if you confront him , then he is going to know you know, and might just make things weird anyway, but then it is good to know these things cause maybe it will make you more aware of him and things he does and says. I dont envy you about this situation. It is a tough call.
 
i would definately just come right out and ask, yes he could lie, but on the other hand at least he know's you know... and its usually a good idea to trust your instincts, if he does lie maybe you'd be able to tell. if he is really your friend he wouldn't be offended that you asked and if he has something to hide he probably wuld get upset so his reaction may be a tip off as to what is true and what is not.
 
I would ask I have a very very very good friend who is on the list. He has 18 living with a family and when the police where investigating another rape they asked his relation. The whole family said boyfriend to the 15 year old in the house. Needless to say he is now in his thirty's still has to register and has full custody of his son and daughter.

In the state of Texas none the less.



First I would look at his risk level. Ifs its a Low I would say you have nothing to worry about. Med or high I would ask. personally know a few sex offenders thru this person because his ex wife seems to like to date registered people. Its up in the air but you should be able to tell.
 
i think you are right to be concerned. he is old enough to know that his behaviour with his employer's computer is wrong (and possibly illegal..here it would be!). also his info is a year out of date. i would not have thought the police that slow! it is easier said than done but could you inform the police without giving your name? we dont have this level of public access to the sex offender list here so apologies if that last bit isnt possible. perhaps paul could speak to his employer about the situation.

trust your instincts too.
 
I would have your husband ask him (outside of work). He might be more open about it with another guy than his coworker's wife.

Either way, I would definitely ask him. If it turns out to be a mistake made when he was younger and something you can get over, fine. If it's worse than that, then he willneedto understand why you and your husband need to distance yourselves.

If you never ask, then you will never know and it will probably start to eat away at you.Can you live with that at the Thanksgiving table?

Good luck
 
I would have your husband ask him but not when his wife is present; it is possible that his wife doesn't even know.
andI wouldn't have him do it on Thanksgiving ( that is just asking for a very awkward and uncomfrotable holiday )

1995 was a long time ago but if this guy has done any emotional work on himself or been through therapy he may be able to verbalize this as some past mistake...but if he freaks out over the question then he just may pull away from you and your husband.
I wouldn't want to be friends with him ifI didn't know what he really did.

The more that he has resolved the incident within himself the more that he probably will be able to handle the question maturely

and as everyone else has said trust your gut instincts; if there is something about him that creeps you out then respect that feeling.
 
I think its better if your husband asks him privately. My opinion is just that a guy might open up and share more with another guy than with the wife of a friend.

I also wouldn't do it when his wife is around....what if she doesn't know?

I mean - it could be over something really stupid...
 
I agree, I would have your husband bring it up privately, but casually. 15 years is definitely a long time and just because someone may have made a mistake when they were 19 doesn't mean they should be punished for that for the rest of their life, does it? If you've felt comfortable around him so far I would get it cleared up before making any rash judgments regarding your friendship.
 
I would first try to see if you can find anymore information online. I would look at the county's public records site and see if it tells more information about his crime and conviction. The county I live in has a great public records website and you can find out a lot about anything someone was convicted of. I would also try to google his name and see what comes up.

If none of that works, I would go with your husband asking him away from work when it is just the two of them.
 
I agree with looking into the public record more and having your husband ask. I honestly feel that you can tell if someone is lying to you if you look for the right cues, and by looking into the records you might be able to verify what he tells your husband. It is true that the label "sex offender" can mean a lot of different things. However, the length of time a person is required to be on the sex offender registry is often stipulated as part of the sentence for the crime they commit (ie 3 yrs in jail, 12 yrs on sex offender registry), so having to be on the sex offender registry for a long time can be indicative of the "heinousness" of the offense. At least that's how it is in WI in MI--I don't know, maybe in some other states once you have a sex offense on your record you have to be on the registry for life.
 
Once upon a time in texas it worked like that now your register for life.

My friend gets his name of the list next year thank goodness. I know its very hard for him to take care of his kids.
 
Hey guys, sorry about the lack of updates. I e-mailed the sex offender registry (didn't name the person whose info I was looking for) and they sent me a link to a website where you can look up court cases. I found his and it has very little information. He plead guilty and it appears that he had to pay the victim $5,000 but it doesn't look like he did any jail time. I could be wrong on the details though because the format was kind of hard to interpret.

The registry doesn't rate the people on how likely they are to commit another sex crime. I would think his wife knows, they've been married 10 years. They're trying to buy a house and have been having lots of trouble, now I'm guessing it's because they can't live in a house within a certain distance from schools and other locations.

The person who e-mailed me back with the link to the court website said she forwarded my e-mail to someone else, so I'm going to wait to hear back from them. If I can't find out anything else on my own, Paul is going to talk to him alone outside of work. I almost wonder if their boss knows- the boss has two small children and he and his wife spend a decent amount of time with the boss, wife, and their kids. I know that someone who tries to rape an adult isn't necessarily going to molest children, but it's still a little worrying and I wonder if they've ever babysat the kids. I'm not friends with the guy and his wife- the 4 of us usually go out together once or twice a month. So he's more than an acquaintance but not a friend. I've always got kind of weird vibes from him and he's overly friendly. He actually called the police when Paul and I didn't return from our honeymoon when he thought we would.
 
Wow I would tread lightly if boss does not know thats one thing but a registered sex offender has no business with in so many feet of a child.

Which means he should not be in a place children dwell which includes there home. Uncovering this could mean more then loosing a friendship this man could loose his job his wife because it does happen that wives do not know.

His boss should know if they did the proper back round check All you have to do is run his driver license .
 
I want to emphasize as others have that the sex offender registries are often flawed because they group serious offenders like rapists and pedophiles with someone who took a leak in the woods near a playground or as stated earlier streaked at a football game. I also want to add that many states are very prudish when it comes to consent, such that an 18 or 19 year old that has consensual sex with a 16 or 17 year is guilty of statutory rape and as such is branded a sex offender for life.

You may consider this couple acquaintances, but if you are getting together with them twice a month, they likely consider you more or your husband and "Mike" consider themselves friends.

Before jumping to any conclusions, find out what happened. Asking him isn't the best option as he can lie, or he may be offended and your husband will now have to work with someone that doesn't trust him. Criminal proceedings are a matter of public record, so you should be able to request to see the entire transcript, although you may have to do this in person.

If you can't find the info you are looking for or you are unsettled with the info you find, you can then confront him and/or report his failure to disclose the registry. Don't go to your husband's boss unless you feel his children are at risk, not they may be because he is sketchy and on this list. If the reasons for him being on the list are benign and you report him to his boss, you will likely have cost a law abiding citizen a job and further ostracized him. If he has been punished and is not a danger to society, he should be given the chance to live a normal life and not be punished again and again.
 
Molly, I'm not one to act rashly, and think out what I do ahead of time (especially with situations as delicate as this one), so don't worry. You can see that I wrote in my original post "I tend to take things on the sex offender registry with a grain of salt because we've all heard of 16 year olds being put on the sex offender registry for having consensual sex with another 16 year old and having it be called "sexual assault of a minor." So I'm not overreacting or trying to screw up Mike's life over something that may be very small.
 
Shiloh I did not mean to come off harsh if I did. I know you will do it in the best manner possible but at the end of that day you and your husband safety is the most important.

Much love in figuring this out. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
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