depression & mania

[Orchid]

I had been taking what I thought was a good combination of pills to control my very severe moods...they can be danergous even...Rages hit and I explain to people it is like a train that sees the car on the tracks, but no matter what it never stops in time...

I had been taking a multi vitamin, welbutrin xr 300mg, 50mg seroquel, 1mg clozepam in the AM...and 100mg of seroquel at night with another 1mg of clozepam....

I have been in the worst depression for days....one of those dont answer the door, hide on my couch times....

I decided to drop the seroquel from my daily diet of pills ...and wow...look at me today....either I cycled on my own to manic....or dropping the sedation pills woke me back up...I feel much better....

SUCKY thing...I lost my medicaid over...are you ready? $1.34. Yes seriosly....I appealed, they denied...and so no therapist and no doc to mess with the meds and make it right again...Not sure what I will do at the moment....but it feels nice to be showered, moving and doing...feels really great....

So if I seem all over the place and sound nutty in posts...it is because I am in manic mode!

Off to mow my lawn....

 

[mardigraskisses]

:hug: I know how draining manic episodes can be. I'm on meds for it as well, but they hardly seem to make a dent. The joys of mental illness.:grumpy:

 

[TinysMom]

Bunnies are so good for things like that...

 

[Orchid]

I used to say if you could bottle Simon, are put him into pills there would be no such thing as depression miss my boy....

Isobel is acting strange...like not running or freaking, not moving.....I do not know what to make of this...



Side note....MY MOWER FINALLY DIED! CRAP!

It has been doing that arrr ARR aarrr ARR thing with black smoke and smelling badly....everyone has tried to keep it running and it just wont start back up now...and to think all that GAS I PUT IN THERE FOR NOTHING! AH

 

[fuzz16]

hey! smile!

i was diagnosed wit chronic depression and unable to afford pills for two years...gotta find your own happiness maker thinger...not drugs or a bottle though miss. lol...

for me...i run. does about the same but i have horrible mood swings around 7 and sadly some friends get the brunt of it...but eh its life.

 

[Orchid]

Yeah I feel ya....for years I went un medicated and truly was a nightmare to be around....my mood swing are just evil and I think it is a HUGE cause why I can not sustain a relationship at all...

Now that I have gotten too heavy....I feel even worse...but I know sitting on the couch is not going to fix it or drop my pants size....It is a reason I stopped the seroquel...wanted to see if I would change and man I did...problem here....I wont sleep at night....plus that med makes you want to eat like you just smoked a joint.....no great for trying to lose weight..AT ALL!

Candy corns became my addiction this year...I am ashamed how many I have eaten...sigh...

 

[pla725]

I would talk to your doctor anyway to see what they suggest. Perhaps you may qualify for low cost prescriptions or free prescriptions. Do you have any other insurance?

I'm with you on the candy corn. Although I'm starting to get sick of the taste.

 

[DeniseJP]

pla725 wrote:

I would talk to your doctor anyway to see what they suggest. Perhaps you may qualify for low cost prescriptions or free prescriptions. Do you have any other insurance?

I'm with you on the candy corn. Although I'm starting to get sick of the taste.

No need to suffer - that is inhumane! Hope they can help you.... I have had chronic depression for years and am on two medications...and I am still not convinced they have the diagnosis 100% - always interesting to be one's own unique chemistry experiment...best wishes to you.......

Denise

 

[Orchid]

pla725 wrote:

I would talk to your doctor anyway to see what they suggest. Perhaps you may qualify for low cost prescriptions or free prescriptions. Do you have any other insurance?

I'm with you on the candy corn. Although I'm starting to get sick of the taste.

Can no do,...no medicaid...no doc....

I talked to them before this happened...asked if they would bill a second insurance I have...but they will not and I would have to front $100 and askfor 70% back....I have no way of doing that.

I think soon things will turn...I know right now that there is no COLA for SS this coming Janurary...that might make me eligable again for medicaid, depending if they raise there COLA or not...That would mean just making it through till Jan....

OR...the X getting laid off means me and no child support....my income dropped..If I can prove it, I get my medicaid back...Hoping I can do that not this Monday but next.



Right now I am staying with my multi vitamin and welbutrin xr 300mg in the am...and I am taking 2 -1mg clozepams at night to try to help keep me mellow...

Today was a good day....I hope it continues....

 

[Chickadee289]

Just started paroxitine, cause my shrink didnt thik
I was bipolr.. just depressed. So I'm super manic and anxious as hell.. yo ucan M me if yo uwanna talk. I know the feeling.

 

[katt]

getting up and active is huge. even just taking a 15 minute walk each day (or do what i do, no matter my mood i put music on and dance for 1/2 hour every night in my pjs)

watch your diet to. lots of veggies, stay away from processed carbs. low carb it completely if you can. avoid caffine, look for it in everything (i was shocked when i had to give up my midol, but it has caffine in it). eat a nice breakfast each day.

take a great multi-vit (even a pre-natal if you can), extra b vit., and get in sunshine whenever you are able.

i have been on meds off and on for about 6 years now. i am general depressive with social/general anxiety disorder with mood disorder traits. . . trust me, i know what your feeling lol.

and i would also suggest to attempt (as best you can, cause i know its hard) to not take anything right before you go to sleep. many tranqs mess with people's REM cycles and then you walk up not feeling rested. which only adds to the nasty cycle

and it sounds odd but trying out yoga and meditation work great for lots of people that are depressed.

these are just my pointers. fallowing most of this i was off meds for about 7 months (my longest stretch) and only went back on them due to some personal stuff that happened in my life.

anyway. hope it helps a little. and please feel free to pm me if you ever need. i am great at listening and sometimes that is the best thing to do, just rant and say everything you have built up. . . so no joke, talk to me if you need to!

 

[Orchid]

katt wrote:

getting up and active is huge. even just taking a 15 minute walk each day (or do what i do, no matter my mood i put music on and dance for 1/2 hour every night in my pjs)

Yeah see I know that and yet I let myself fall into that wallow of self pity of feeling disgusting and not wanting to do anything cause why bother etc etc etc...Horrible...I have humana via medicare which allows me a gym membership....every day I check out the shedule and say maybe today...but I dont....I like the bike riding....but the one I did by,...it actually does hurt to ride and I think it will fall apart any time my very large self gets on it.....excuses...all of them I know...

watch your diet to. lots of veggies, stay away from processed carbs. low carb it completely if you can. avoid caffine, look for it in everything (i was shocked when i had to give up my midol, but it has caffine in it). eat a nice breakfast each day.

Money hasbeen, as it always is...tight, but worse now that my X is laid off and my CS is mia till he starts getting unemployment...but I do have a part time job thing through Vocational Rehab...and what is great...they are understanding...and even though I messed up this week, I am allowed to come back on Monday and start again...I had been drinking coffee and teas with LOTS of caffine to get going in the mornings because I was so groggy...If I could go back to my slimfast...I would be happy...but it seems to all cost so much ya know...so I scrimp and scrape and get by each day on what we can...man I know that makes me sound poor and whatever...but really we just dont have much cash flow...

take a great multi-vit (even a pre-natal if you can), extra b vit., and get in sunshine whenever you are able. I do take one every morning...

i have been on meds off and on for about 6 years now. i am general depressive with social/general anxiety disorder with mood disorder traits. . . trust me, i know what your feeling lol.

I didn't start feeling alright till I started with meds....Neurontin worked great but it made me constantly manic...and who can deal with that....plus it did not help the train of rage get under and kind of controll....

and i would also suggest to attempt (as best you can, cause i know its hard) to not take anything right before you go to sleep. many tranqs mess with people's REM cycles and then you walk up not feeling rested. which only adds to the nasty cycle

The way I have been.....for AS LONG...as I can remember...is I stay awake all night and sleep during the day...for instance...it is almost 3am...I should be sleeping but didnt take the pills....I have not been sleeping deeply for weeks, wake up easy, am not feeling good or rested...I think...as it happens with almost ANYTHING I take,....I have grown too used to them. It happens with every med I take..

and it sounds odd but trying out yoga and meditation work great for lots of people that are depressed. I really liked the bodyflow class....that was a great class to chill me out...I have not been there since like 40 pounds ago...

these are just my pointers. fallowing most of this i was off meds for about 7 months (my longest stretch) and only went back on them due to some personal stuff that happened in my life.
Congrats! I always wonder if I will need meds forever...it is the only time I seem some what sane....and not so angry and out of control...I fit the sterio type of vets and techs...I like animals WAY more than people...they dont ever judge you and always love you,...well you know what I mean...Simon was my god send...I know that I have been getting worse and worse since he died...

anyway. hope it helps a little. and please feel free to pm me if you ever need. i am great at listening and sometimes that is the best thing to do, just rant and say everything you have built up. . . so no joke, talk to me if you need to!

Thanks! and know I return the favor....

Sometimes I can not believe how nuts we all are, how medicated we have become...god how did we live to even evolve to this point....

 

[katt]

i think that everyone is different when it comes to meds. i went off them all for a while, only keeping my script for ativan(a tranq) for when i had really bad anxiety. and for a long while things were really good. i didn't need anything, but then some stuff happened and i did. i think that by next summer i will be back off of everything, as i prefer to not take mass amounts of drugs every day.

i know how you feel about sleeping all day and up at night. i am the same way. i have a really hard time sleeping at night and for a long while had a sleep med i got from my dr. to help with that. i have found that a lot of it is just working on changing my pattern. now i am in bed before 1 am, when it used to be up till 3 or 4 am. . . it makes a big difference.

as far as the getting up and moving its hard some days, i get it, but you just have to get in the habbit of doing it. want me to send you a message each day and get you motivated? lol, cause i will happily. i feel so strongly about it because it is the one thing that helps me more then anything else, just that 15 minutes of movement.

and the food. just work on one meal. start for breakfast, it is the best one to change and the most important. first skip out on coffee. if you NEED caffine (and i understand if you do) then go for hot tea, it has way less (do green tea if you can, lots of good stuff in green tea). scrambled eggs, a slice of toast, milk/water/soymilkand an apple/orange/banana/any fruit. that is my morning start most days. it is rather healthy, and besides the slice of toast nice and low in carbs. plus not to exspencive (and i get the money issue, trust me). also have you looked into a EBT card? (it is kinda like food stamps but on a credit card formate, not sure what it is called in your state, but it might help out untill you start getting child support back.

i work as a nutrition assistant at our local hospital, so food is a big part of my every day.

anyways, i hope i am not going off here to much. i just know what it feels like to deal with all this, and how much it all sucks, so i can't help but try to help anyone dealing with it.

 

[SweetSassy]

I go to a pyschatrist and I know when my insurance wouldn't cover the drug he put me on, he gave me samples for like 6 months. Now that I'm married, insurance covers it. Maybe you can see if doc can give you samples.



I feel for ya. I also suffer from depression, OCD and anxiety. It's harder for me when I'm not on meds.

When I was younger I would not eat with my depressionand now that I'm older food is my comfort. And I am about 25-30 pounds over weight. So I can relate.

April

 

[Orchid]

wow..and thank you all for the support!

Here in NC they have funny rules...you really must be like homeless with nothing and no money to get help. Last year I received 14 in food stamps, until they took that away...(I make too much which is funny but hey)..

Katt...I might take you up on some of that if it is ok...about some diet questions and what not...perhaps later on I can ask ya some of my Q's

Thanks all...

 

[bunnybunbunb]

TinysMom wrote:

Bunnies are so good for things like that...

Not when they are making it worse. I hate to say it but I know how it is as I have terrible anger and the rabbits just agervate it. They know how to push my buttons. I was up for 2 hours this morning at day break because they would not STOP. Everytime I fell asleep someone else started something. I was so angry I wanted to break something. I got out of bed 8 times or more. Ripping, chewing, scratching, banging thumping, Dillan broke out, ect. It was a horrible morning since I had not got to bed until 4 AM. I have terrible time controling it and in the end endup slamming a book against my leg, hitting something until my hand is throbbing, ect just to get my anger out and the dazed feeling coming.

 

[Orchid]

Well...

You know I have been a part of a few things over the course of my life that were meant to help with depression..not feeling alone and all that...and I do have to say I feel best here at RO...Maybe because we are regular people with problems who share an addiction to animals in general...but I think some of us all connect with someone here well...and I am thankful to be here....

I hope no one minds....

I feel like posting about some stuff..Beware I suppose it could trigger some...

Yesterday really was hell...Off my tranq meds...feeling strange...

I have been telling and telling and warning my 8 year old daughter to clean her room or else...She KNOWS I am not bluffing...She KNOWS I will throw out whatever...it bothers me sure...I will try to put it off and get her to clean but I hit my threshold of nonsense like we all do...

Woke her up early to clean her room so if it stopped raining we could go to the farm...I was tired and went back to bed for an hour...hour 1/2....I got up..NOTHING was done...I did start yelling...had enough..and with out a care everything on the floor period was put in a bag and thrown out....the clothes on the floor went into a basket that went into my room and she may not have them back...messed up thing here is the kid does not have a lot of clothes, barely any long sleeve or long pants....she just wont take care of her stuff...I am hoping this will teach her a lesson and she can ''earn'' the clothes in the basket back...That really just ruined my morning because I was SO upset over it all,...I mean crap she is 8...why WHY is she battling me in such a passive manner....already (dont answer there are like millions of things it could be)...

So the fosters call, want to know about picking up Is...and I say fine..so they came and that sucked....we were all crying...We still miss Is....

So after that I didnt feel like doing the whole you are timed out and grounded bit...I let it go, we hugged and cried together....we ate dinner, snacked out on some stuff...watched one of my favorite movies...older but not old..."BUDDY" I think that lady wrote a book actually...I would like to find it and read it...and of course I cried when they put buddy into the zoo...that was the start...

I cry at commercials...

So then we watched Legend and that was ok....no crying...

After that I posted some here....Got Lina to bed late.....I went into my room feeling quite bummed out....Watched this movie Australia...sp? with Hugh Jackman...and man in this movie he honestly looks a lot like my x Anthony..not the x husband...last x bf. I really cared for him, I loved him..I really did ...but between my problems and illness and his fricking probelms..things grew to such a boiling point that it all exploded...we broke...and he just disappeared one day...it is coming on to a year since I last saw him or heard his voice...but the other day while watching a vid of Simon...I heard his voice..and it brought everything back...I still have his necklace...it shouldnt be with me, it was his...I have tried to talk to him and he will not respond to anything at all. He was the closest thing my daughter knew to what it might be like to having a real father around...She used to ask to call him Daddy...We met him when she was 5...he was there for her 6th and 7th and we lost him this time last year ish..It might have been...late NOV...early Dec...that was the last time I ever saw him...Seeing Hugh looking SO much like him...Isobel going, Simon has only been gone like a month and half..and honestly the disappointment of Jason (x husband) bailing out on moving here...it all bubbled up...my feelings about myself, who I am, what I look like, where my life has come to be..all the loss I feel I have suffer lately and it was the dam that broke...the tears came and I couldnt stop..I cried and cried and cried...and even crawling into my daughters bed to hold and hug her cause I just needed that human contact...I needed to hold my baby...

I couldnt calm down though so I popped a few pills I have and calmed way down but I knew it would knock me out hard...it did..THANK YOU GOD! I slept deep and hard as I have not in a while...I woke up real late at like 3pm...randomly giving orders from my sleepy bed through out the day...Lina brought me toast for bfast...I barely recall eating it...but so sweet of her...she even played quietly so I could sleep...I needed the sleep...I feel bad I got up late and am concerned it will take me time to sleep tonight...because I am allowed to return to my Voc Rehab pt job I messed up on last week...I do not want to miss tomorrow..plus I seriously need the money...

As bad as I honestly feel...as depressed and hurting, lonely and scared as I am...I feel like my feelings are mine again and the haze is gone...I can think and figure out things like I have not in quite some time...

I have this peacful sadness to me...that is....relaxing in a way...

Lina and I have been bonding and snuggling again, where as before I felt us slipping so far apart...

I know depression is all supposed to be evil and bad...but ya know...it feels good to feel like myself..and function as I usually have...even if it is not supposed to be the best or right thing...I mean this has always been me...and in a way I dont think that will ever change.. I will keep taking the welbutrin in the mornings...maybe it will help a little but I think I need to back of the sedating drugs...if even to feel like me...to feel my pain and cry ...and let my world come back to something I know...even if just for a little while.

I functioned better today then I have in a while even though I slept late. We went food shopping and though it was hard to make myself buy some of the $$ items, and I spent over 80 bucks....(which is what we spend in a month on food)....I am glad we did...We have a big bag of fish, another steak, some veggies, some snacks for her for school ...and other stuff....I came back, I made a nice dinner, we listened to music as I cooked and we sang and danced in the kitchen. I ate well, I cleaned up and washed the dishes and I feel good about myself even if only in this one moment.

I cant really explain or understand...but this has become like the warm blanket that calms me and makes me feel safe again...

 

[Orchid]

katt wrote:

i think that everyone is different when it comes to meds. i went off them all for a while, only keeping my script for ativan(a tranq) for when i had really bad anxiety. and for a long while things were really good. i didn't need anything, but then some stuff happened and i did. i think that by next summer i will be back off of everything, as i prefer to not take mass amounts of drugs every day.

i know how you feel about sleeping all day and up at night. i am the same way. i have a really hard time sleeping at night and for a long while had a sleep med i got from my dr. to help with that. i have found that a lot of it is just working on changing my pattern. now i am in bed before 1 am, when it used to be up till 3 or 4 am. . . it makes a big difference.

as far as the getting up and moving its hard some days, i get it, but you just have to get in the habbit of doing it. want me to send you a message each day and get you motivated? lol, cause i will happily. i feel so strongly about it because it is the one thing that helps me more then anything else, just that 15 minutes of movement.

and the food. just work on one meal. start for breakfast, it is the best one to change and the most important. first skip out on coffee. if you NEED caffine (and i understand if you do) then go for hot tea, it has way less (do green tea if you can, lots of good stuff in green tea). scrambled eggs, a slice of toast, milk/water/soymilkand an apple/orange/banana/any fruit. that is my morning start most days. it is rather healthy, and besides the slice of toast nice and low in carbs. plus not to exspencive (and i get the money issue, trust me). also have you looked into a EBT card? (it is kinda like food stamps but on a credit card formate, not sure what it is called in your state, but it might help out untill you start getting child support back.

i work as a nutrition assistant at our local hospital, so food is a big part of my every day.

anyways, i hope i am not going off here to much. i just know what it feels like to deal with all this, and how much it all sucks, so i can't help but try to help anyone dealing with it.

Hi Katt...

If we could talk about....like an actual diet plan that would be great if you do not mind...I do better when I have like rules to follow ya know?

I did get some slimfast can shakes(for on the go), the powder mix (for bfast in the morning) and some of these Special K? strawberry snack bars? and drinking stuff that is supposed to help with hunger...So like tomorrow...I plan to have the shake in the morning which I slip some low fat yogurt in, make a piece of toast with jam...

Lunch, have a shake....drink that K drink to help keep hunger away through out the day ay work, which for me is 9-3:30...have maybe a snack bar thing with lunch (which is the Slimfast shake) orwhen I get home....and have a simple dinner...Want to try to get back to good little meals...I have not really been cooking..

So like tomorrow night we might have some flounder fish over rice with a can of peas.

I would like to try...to really lose this weight.

I want to get a little mp3 player that allows me to listen to music as I walk, ride my bike or go to the gym...I would like to try to buy a bike for myself that wont hurt and is not falling apart...I found one at walmart for like a hunderd that looks good...maybe a xmas present to myself!

My self image is making everything I think and feel about myself horribly bad...and if I can just even start to make a dent, stop gaining..I know I would start to feel better...

Oh and I do takea multi vitamin with my welbutrin every morning..

Thanks for any advice and help you can offer...

Fresh fruit and fresh veggies are hard because they seem to cost so much now!

 

[Yurusumaji]

I also have general depression/anxiety. It's nice to know you're not alone, yeah?

Katie made a good suggestion to try yoga and be active. It made me think of something that helped me: Wii Fit. If you have a way of trying it out I would definitely suggest it.

I loved Wii Fit because it encourages you and I felt great when I was on it. I was really proud of myself for doing it each day and it's a lot of fun to play. There are some super cute games on there and you can move at a very slow and steady pace if need be.

Just a thought. Not all yoga poses are hard and there are several Beginner poses on there that my incredibly off-balance body could do that I enjoyed. It really helped me calm down.

I have been thinking about trying out kick-boxing as well. Doing something that works your muscles and releases your body's chemicals can be great for depression. I have never been on meds because I have heard to many horror stories about people getting addicted and having a hard time coming off of them.

 

[bunnybunbunb]

I love yoga, you should give it a try

I have been biking for a few months now. I wanted a bike again and when we found one in a yardsale my aunt bought it for me. $20, it is pink but I can deal with that. Moutain bike so that is great. I try to bike everyday. I Love it, listening to music and going as fast as you can speeding down the road makes you feel free. Everything just leaves you, life stands still. The best feeling