What would you do if this was your son?

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jil101ca

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My son is 15 1/2. In sept he stole a little girls 20 inch bike. Why? because he was grounded from his for not wearing his helmet. It is the law here and the house rule is: no helmet = no wheels. He said he was tired of walking. It takes a whole 20 mins to walk across the town we live in. He was accepted in a program called Extra Judicial sanction. He has to write a letter of apoligy, donate his allowance to a charity and say he is sorry to the owner of the bike and her parents.If he stays out of trouble with the police for 2 years the charge of possesion of stolen property will disappear and he will have no criminal record.The letter is due tommorrow and is not even half done. He has conditions of release from the police. no drinking, no drugs, follow house hold rules and let his parents know where he is at all times.3 nights ago we are pretty sure he came home high from smoking pot. Yesterday he asked me if he could sleep at a friends house, the mom was picking him up at the grocery store. I said yes. I called the friends last night and there was no answer. I called again today and spoke to the friends Mom. She said that the friend spent the night at their camp with a kid named Jessie and not my son. My son lied to me about where he was going to be. He has not called nor come home yet today and it is now 5pm. His actions tell me he is not going to make changes about the road he is chosing. I am sitting here debating wether to call the police and have him arrested for breach of his release.Or should I give him a chance to explain himself, knowing that he is probaly lying to me yet again. He has plans to go live with his real father Dec 1st.What would you do?
 
Jeez thats a hard one. poor you big :hug:cause its really stressful.

I suppose he is at the age of wanting to be grown up and thinking he is grown up without actually really understanding about responsibility!

Personally i would probably let him come home and speak to him but give him a bit hard deal and tell him to cut the crap and you know about him smoking pot and not being where he is menat to be. Sometimes they don't expect you to understand or know what it is all about!!

I know everyne is different with how they deal with it so good luck and keep us posted
 
I would give him a chance to explain himself. Then I would tell him if he does it again, or any breach of the release, then you will call the cops. Some kids just don't learn unless you follow through with what you say. Maybe he needs to spend the night in jail to set him strait.
 
My kids are 23 and I've been thinking about this ever since I first read it. I'm glad I didn't have to face something like this.

Part of me says "don't call the cops" because what if he outgrows this and becomes an outstanding young man.....you don't want him to have a record that could hinder him from certain jobs later on in life (at least that is my guess - I know nothing about it really).

But part of me says....there are times when you need to play hardball.

I think I'd tell him what you know and that the next time he does something like this - you'll have no choice but to tell the cops....I don't know though.

I do know that I wouldn't want to be in your shoes...I'm so sorry.

Peg
 
I'm tempted to say tell the police and hold him accountable for his actions. Sounds tough, but if he learns to get away with breaking the rules, he's not going to stop.

But, I can also see trying to allow him to explain. I do doubt that he will be 100% truthful, and I wouldn't trust everything he says.

Maybe talk with him, and tell him you know he has broken the conditions of his release. Tell him it is your responsibility to inform the police if he hasn't been following the rules, and being a responsible adult, you have to do it.

People who get into drugs and bad behaviour become very good at manipulating people. They know what to say and when to say it in order to get what they want with no consequences. People do not hit "rock bottom" until those who enable them refuse to support their bad habits anymore. And they won't want to change their ways until they do hit rock bottom.

My father is a drug addict, and I know how hard it is to reason with those types of people. They always seem sincere, but never follow through.

My honest gut instinct is to deal harshly and strictly with his extreme bad behaviour. Stealing and drugs are not a good starting place for a 15 year old. Speak with his father, and try to come up with a game plan. It's not going to help for you to be strict if his father is going to let him do what he wants. He needs to be treated the same in both house holds.

It's a tough situation, and I really wish you didn't have to deal with it. But kids don't always find the best ways to express their emotional turmoil and often turn to drugs, alcohol and other bad behaviour as a way to cope. If possible, I would try to get him into some sort of group or solo counseling.

--Dawn
 
he came home at 6pm, my heart is breaking... he told me about the movies he watched and the fun he had, how his friend's mom dropped him off at the corner. I blew a gasket, told him I had spoke to the Mom and I knew he lied to me. I told him I had given him until 6pm before I would call the cops. I sent him to his room, with lines to write (what else to do??) and he also has the letter due in the morning. I told him 1 more lie, 1 more coming home high, 1 more trouble of any kind and I will call the police. He likes to blame step dad but step dad has gone hunting. I told him that he is dealing with Mom now andIwill not play anymore games with him. this is the last straw. it willbreak my heart to have to make that call but it is all up to him now. He wasn't raised to be the way he is turning out but then again most of them aren't are they....
 
I am 18, maybe I can be a bit of a help.


Call the cops. Don't waste time. I have a 14 year old brother, who, fortunately is a really good kid. But...this is the age where you need to do something about it.

Smoking pot...turns into smoking other things, smoking other things...turns into doing harder drugs.

Don't waste time. I just had a friend that went from straight edge (no sex, drugs, drinking)...to dying of heroin within a year.


Sometimes smoking pot is a phase, but other times it turns into "life". I am glad I have never went through that phase in my life. If I was a parent, I couldn't sit there and wait it out to see if it really is a phase.


I would get him into a rehab and counciling. Honestly, he WILL be mad, he WILL "hate" you....but later on, phase or not, you BOTH will be thanking you.

I am pretty sure his record clears when he turns 18, unless he murdered someone or robbed a bank or something. Minor stuff like stealing a bike or possession of drugs will clear.


If you don't call the cops, then you can bet he will come home and continue to do what he is doing. I feel that, with what he has done so far, he doesn't want to come home because he is afraid of what you have to say.




Sorry if I sounded harsh, but he needs to get the help now, phase or not....before this turns into a bigger thing.



:hug:
 
I am with Amy. I would report him now. The longer you wait the worse it can get.
 
Im only 14 now, but if it was ME,I would want my parents to call the cops.



I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but trust me, I have seen friends go down the drain, and alot of them was because the parent said "Oh, he/she will get out of this part of thier life, plus how else are they going to learn?"

Please, do what you think is best. For you, andfor your son, espically your son.
 
My parents werent very strict with my brother on where he went, what he did, and who he hung out with.

He got into tons of things and it pretty much ruined our lives, and we are still paying for it. Rehab was super expensive so we are still paying for that. And now we sent him away to a school/boot camp and it changed his life, but we have to deal with being away from him.

He hated my mom and dad for doing all this to him at first, now he thanks them.

So like everyone else said, STOP IT NOW.
 
i agree with amy

call the cops

or possible, give him 2 options:

a) call the cops, the the system work him though. let him see the hardship of having a record.

b) give him the option of getting a job (if he doesn't already have one), were he puts ALL his money in a saving account (be a secondary on the account, so he cannot simply pull money out. . . i am sure the bank would allow you to put a block on pulling any money out). homework must be done straight after school, he needs to go to counsiling, hook him up with community service. take privilages away (cell phone, tv, internet). regular drug tests would be a must (i am talking about 2+ times a week)

the hardest thing to do in this situation is being the bad guy. i have a younger cousin that got mixed up in the world of drugs and raves, having random sex with random partners, and constantly going against her mom's rules. the end result was my aunt moving her and her younger brother away from the city she had known as home. she started commuting 45+ minutes to work simply to get her daughter out of the party scene.

as someone who has lots of friends that started smoking pot, and moved on to way heavier stuff. my advice: get him away from it. do whatever you can.


 
JadeIcing wrote:
I am with Amy. I would report him now. The longer you wait the worse it can get.
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I agree with on this. Turn him in and let him give his explanations to the cops. They will be much more objective than you and they know how to help. It's too easy for him to lie to you.
 
It's time to get him some help. Can you take him in to see a child psychologist.

I'm sure part of it is just his normal 15 year old rebellion but some of it sounds really serious..... that's my concern.

Do you have punishment that you use? and follow through?

If he hasn't done the letter - don't do it, let him get in trouble. Sometimes love is tough.
 
he has gone to bed. it has been a night from h*ll for me and him. therehabeen some soul baring going on. lots of yelling and many tears from both of us. He finished his letter, (I was not allowed to help him in any way and did not).and is now working on 1 to me, for my eyes only. it was his idea so he could tell me what is going on and the why's of it. He wants to write about how he feels. I have agreed to be the only one to read it as per his wishes. Maybe tonight I got through to him. We shall see. Next time I will call the police and let him see what it is really all about. Lord knows, I was no angel at that age but I NEVER stole or lied to my mom, maybe not answer her questions with anything but a none of your business but to lie? Never.

I try to be reasonable yetfirm with all my kids and follow through on what is said. the golden rule around here is" Say what you mean and mean what you say" as far as being parents. Time for some even tuffer love.

The support here has helped me deal with the guilt of what Iknow I mayhave to(and will) do. I'll know in the next few days if any of what I said to him has gotten through. If not then I will make the call and it may be the only way to save him. Thanks everyone for helping me see what I know in my heart must be.
 
Good luck. I know it's difficult - we want to protect them and not be the one to have to be hard on them.
 
I couldn't agree more. I think you did the right thing...and I think you're right to give him this one chance...but be firm, and know you're doing the RIGHT THING when you call the police next time. I know it's hard, but this is for HIS PROTECTION...and something that will structure the outcome of the rest of his life.

I know my daughter is only 7, but I have to say that though I deal with smaller scale things, I do know that as a mother, there are things you have to do that you just don't WANT to...but they HAVE to be done.

If you ever need encouragement, feel free to PM me, or email me. I believe my email addy is on my profile information. If not, PM and let me know, ok?

Hugs and LOADS of support,

Rosie*

Bo B Bunny wrote:
Good luck. I know it's difficult - we want to protect them and not be the one to have to be hard on them.
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Sometimes you have to give them "tough love".

I wish my parents had done that with my brother. He got in all sorts of trouble (drugs, theft, getting a girl pregnant (twice), etc.) when he was a teenager. If he had intervention early enough it might have prevented him spending 8 years in prison for a second degree felony.

To give him credit, he made the most of his prison years. He straightened out and got an education. He has had the same job since his release (almost 20 years now) and is a model citizen. It's just a shame that he had to give up 8 years of his life to figure it out.
 
You need to become an integral part of your son's life. Talk to him, get to know him and share some time with him. Get to know his friends and their parents better. Let your son know how much you care and how important he is to you - tell him you love him.

A friend of mine was going through the same thing with her daughter. "Itty" was killed at 17 years of age and had nearly died previously due to her risky behavior.



Keeping you in my prayers - I know what you are going through and really feel for you.



Pam
 
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