maherwoman wrote:
I can't describe accurately how all this has me feeling. To lose three in so short a time has been quite devastating to me...my heart is just completely broken, yet I feel numb all over, too. And I can't even confront it all completely, or I'll cry for days, and right now, Em is still so sad over losing her baby that I have to be able to be there for her. But I have to be honest...I feel like crawling into a hole and just crying for days.
I'm sorry to be so negative, but I kinda feel a bit alone. I'm just not able to TALK about it just yet. I can talk about how it makes me feel, a bit...but much more than that, and I fear I will completely break down...and Em's not ready for that quite yet, to see me that upset.
I was thinking about this just a bit ago Rosie.
I lost it tonight for a bit and started crying a little. I've been depressed all day - for the last two days really - and I just want to bury my head and cry or sleep. I find myself sinking back into depression and *almost* not having the energy to pull myself back out....but I'm very lucky. Art & Robin know the signs and they know how to help me and that really does help.
There is a big difference between me and you in the fact that my daughter is 23 and can help me through the grief - and your daughter is so much younger and you have to be careful. I think this is why you're going to have to be careful to nurture yourself and take care of yourself - and that might include locking yourself in the bathroom sometimes and crying and maybe taking a shower to cover the tears and the sobs.
Each of us that you mentioned have had significant losses this year - as has Flashy and others. I'm sure there are many that may not have posted on the thread that have also felt the pain of a loss.
In your case - I think this is harder for you because it is not only the death of a beloved bunny - but the death of a
dream. I held Drew...I held Bun Bun. You never did.
It reminds me of my weeping the other day when my does had their babies and Kiwi's whole litter was dead on arrival and Girly Girl's litter had two dead and only one made it (and I wasn't sure it would make it). Yes - they were deaths - but they were deaths of what I had dreamed of...and the death of the dream of those litters hurt more than had the babies lived and then I lost them a few days later. Its hard to explain ... but sometimes I think
almost having something and then having it taken away from you...just hurts.
I think that is why I think this is harder on you than it is on me. And I'm sorry for that. I so much wish now we'd sent the trio on to you earlier. Last week when you were telling me that you were afraid you'd never get to see your two boys and I sort of said, "Sure you will...", I must admit that I panicked afterwards. What if we did lose another bunny? And when it became obvious that we were going to lose Bun Bun....contacting you was the hardest thing I could have had to do.
I know you've been grieving over Drew since October...I thought I'd share with you some things that I've been learning since losing GingerSpice in January.
- Grief makes people say and do strange things....at the strangest times. I've broken down and wept in a grocery store while buying baby food for the bunnies - because of losing a bun who loved a particular flavor. For about 10 seconds I thought about driving off a bridge because the pain was so bad (then I thought about the groceries I had in the car for Eric and what a waste it would be of good food ... so I kept on driving).
- Grief makes you feel strange ways. Would you believe that a few days after Ginger died - I found myself saying to someone (who loved me and understood), "I almost wish I'd lost Art and could have Ginger." Mind you...Art & I have been married for 27 years now and we've had our rough times...but I wouldn't REALLY wish him gone. Its just...I would have traded anything for GingerSpice at that time....even Tiny or Miss Bea or .... yep....Art. (I wouldn't do that now).
- Grief comes and goes. Just about the time you think you're getting better...you'll have a bad day and wind up feeling like its all hopeless. I'm finding that the bad days are getting further and further apart and I'm able to smile and laugh again...even when I talk about Ginger.
- Not everyone understands grief nor do they grieve in the same way. Some people lash out with anger - some withdraw and pull inward - others keep busy to keep their mind off it. We each handle it differently and that's ok. Art doesn't grieve over my bunnies passing (he did grieve a bit over Puck - that was hard for him)...and he doesn't understand my deep grief at times. But that's ok....I know he can't understand it and he doesn't feel what I feel. I love him for who he is and what he is and I handle my grief as best I can.
You WILL make it through this. There are others of us who have walked this path - some you've named - others you may not have. But we'll be here for you.
I love the Vulcan phrase (watch me screw it up) from one of the Star Trek movies or episodes... "I grieve with thee." Sometimes - those are the only words a person can say.
Peg
ink iris:
