So I don't really know how to deal with this

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Hazel

Hazel

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Jan 5, 2008
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Location
Chapel Hill, North Carolina, USA
My boyfriend of almost 3 years has had the most horrible news ever. Our mothers both had breast cancer. My mother is in remission. His has not been for almost a year. When they discovered it had come back, she was put on a new medication, but never chemo again (which I DO NOT UNDERSTAND and neither does my father who is a doctor and it really bothers me). Well, recently she's been having vision problems and dizziness, so she went to the hospital. The cancer has metatisized to her brain. She now has brain cancer. THey're doing radiation, but it's in 3 places... I'm not kidding myself, I know she has 6-12 mos.

She and I have always had our ups and downs. We had big problems at first and then we became very close. Recently she was down in life and blamed me for a lot of stuff she shouldn't have. I didn't blame her, and she apologized. I feel horrible because I really care about her.

But even worse, I don't know what to do for/with Ryan. He's gone for the next 2 weeks visiting. He's basically not been dealing with it., if that makes sense. He's not denying it or anything, he's just not letting himself be at all emotional about it. I've never had anyone I know die... I don't know what to do for him.

Is he going to have a breakdown? Do I just act supportive? Is there anything I can do at all.

It may sound silly to a lot of people, but I'm really worried. I'm afraid if I do something wrong he'll hate me. It's hard to explain, but since I've never had a death happen, I'm really scared. I'm just hoping I can get some advice.

I also don't know if I can talk about it with him. Do you think it's ok to talk about it, or should I avoid talking about his mom at all?

I know a lot depends on the people, but help woul;d be greatly appreciated. I hate crying over this and not knowing what to do. I'm just glad Ryan isn't here for my breakdown. And how am I supposed to be strong for him if I can't help but breakdown now?

EDIT: Prayers, good thoughts, etc would be greatly appreciated. I don't know if I pray for it to be more quickly so she doesn't suffer and they don't suffer through the effects of brain cancer, or if I should hope it's longer so they have more time to say goodbye...
 
Hazel, I'm so sorry about your boyfriend's mom. I can imagine he will be going through a very rough time emotionally (as will you). There may be times when he's back and forth with his emotions, seeming to be fine and then suddenly breaking down, or he may wind up dealing with it all very well. Or...he may, as you said, go through a breakdown. Everyone is different, and even the person going through something like this cannot predict how they will ultimately react.

I lost my mother when I was 10; she had cancer and while my two older brothers may have known she was seriously ill, my sister and I didn't. We knew she was sick, but that was all. The way I reacted to her passing was to pretend it never happened...for many years I thought at the back of my mind that she had simply gone away; I suppose it was a child's way of coping with losing their mom.

Five years ago I was diagnosed with cancer, and my son, who was almost 20, was also in denial, though he didn't even realize it. He kept telling me that he was fine, not to worry about him because he wasn't worried about me...but he did finally wind up having a breakdown. And you know, while it was hard for me to watch, it wasn't a terrible thing to happen, because it forced him to actually acknowledge and deal with his fears. His dad - who he had a sporadic, touchy relationship with - had also been diagnosed with cancer, a couple of years before me. He wound up losing his dad about a year and a half ago, and again, he went through a rough time emotionally...and like you, at first I didn't know what to do for him. I was at such a loss because it tore me apart to see him in pain, but I came to the conclusion that the best thing I could do was simply to let him know I loved him, and to let him know that I was there for him any time he needed it. It was his pain he had to go through, and as much as I wanted to help him with it, it was something he had to do on his own.

So my suggestion would be that you be there as a pillar of support for your boyfriend, but give him space as well. If he feels like screaming, let him scream. If he holds it all inside, tell him you love him and if he ever feels like talking, or just having you there, that you are there for him. Let him lead the way with his emotions...if you start to talk about his mom and what she's going through and he doesn't want to, then respect his wishes. Just tell him you love him, and you're there for him.

My heart truly goes out to you both. I'll add my prayers for his mom, and for you and your boyfriend's family...may you all be surrounded by love and support in such a difficult time.

~Di

:pray:

:hug1
 
No wonder you are worried. I think Bassetlove gives really good advice, treat him as he needs and what he needs. You will know him well enough to be able to judge what he needs. I am so sorry its an awful situation :(

Sending you all big :hug:
 
Oh Hazel sorry to hear this news.. Everyone reacts differently to this type of situation. When my Father passed 10 years ago my brother and sister were just fine after - I was not. I actually forgot to eat food for 4 days and kept fainting - I was just walking around in a fog for the first 2 weeks after he was gone. My Dr. put me on Zoloft (anti-depressant) and that was a huge help - I continued the medicine for 6 months and then I was back to a relatively normal place..

My boyfriend at the time - would just sit with me while I would cry (I would just start crying for no particular reason and then wouldn't be able to stop). My roommate at the time gave support by deciding to rearrange and paint our entire apartment - kinda made me mad at the time that she wasn't acknowledging my grief, but in hindsight - it got my mind off of it for a time.

So I wouldn't push your BF to act as you do; and keep in mind that you both may become cranky - it's so easy to become angry when your actually just feeling scared and sad and need to release stress.

You sound like you have a good handle on yourself;but don't forget to take care of yourself firstduring this time, if your notwell then your not going to be able to help everyone else.

Pleasekeep updating and I'll keep everyone in my prayers.


 
Hazel, I am terribly sorry for your boyfriends mother. I will pray for both of you and his family. Cancer is the biggest thing that everyone is afraid of. My sister was a cancer survivor at the age of 18 she had it. Just passed away from heart failure due to radiations that damaged her lungs. I miss her so much.

I have experince in this with my significant other.

He will break down, just be there for him. Let him do his thing but make sure you are by his side no matter what. He may get snippy, rude, yelling and such. Let him know that you are here too for him and he is not the only one going through it. You are as well as his family.

My husband's mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Removed it all, got better. A year later came back with ventiage. She was given 2 wks to live after finding out that it had spread so quickly with in few mos. She passed away with the whole family by her side.

Just a week before his mother passed away, something happened between him and his nephew caused a bit of problem between them two. When we both came home that day of the rift, he really broke down and cried in our bedroom. I did not know that he was going through it until I realized that he is MIA. I searched around the apt and found him sitting on our bed bawling like a baby. I quickly consoled him.

Just be there for him, trust me, it is going to be hard. It took him 3 yrs to really realize that he had me to support, love and care. I never left him, it was tough. Just be there.

 
Gosh I am so sorry for what you are both going through. You just need to be their for him and be supportive and there if he wants to talk. As far as denial goes I think that can sometimes be a defense mechanisim, if he denies it then he doesnt have to deal with it, but eventually he might have no choice but to have to deal with it. Maybe you can try to talk to him, but even that has to be treaded on lightly.



A few years back my husbands dad was diagnosed with cancer and i was just as upset as him, i deal with it by talking about it, that is what makes me able to deal with things, he deals with things by not talking. But by not talking about it he would have mood swings and i would pay for it because we wo uld fight and fight, which with the s ituation that was going on fighting was not helpfull. Finally one day i had to sit him down and explain to him about how i deal with it (i needed to talk and he never wanted to talk about it) and how i felt he was dealing with it, and i just told him that i was there for him to talk to about it and it might help him to get it out, and then tolld him about what it was doing to us at that point. But again talking to someone when they are trying to deal with some thing can be tricky and timing is everything. Maybe just start out by telling him that you are here for him and if he wants to or needs to talk that you are there, and that you love him.





It is really a tough call.
 
I don't reply like I should to this thread, but I read everyone's posts and really really appreciate them. They have helped a lot as far as what to expect.

Thanks for sharing such personal stories, it helps to remember that others have made it through this before.
 
Most men are too proud to actually talk about it openly. You will most likely see him pace around, or keep really really busy so he won't have too much time to think. He may get grouchy and really irritated over little things. The best is to be there and not take things personally if he gets in an argument with you etc. Let him know you are there, but also do know push him into talking. Be gentle and loving and he will come to you when he needs to.

I'm sorry about the news :(:rose:
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. And I'm sorry for your boyfriend.You are going to have to be the strong one for now. It's never easy losing a loved one. And most men don't express themselves very well. They are so used to being the ones in control, it's very hard on them. Have patience and don't take anything personally. Just be there for him. :hug:for you... (My mom is a BC survivor too... still in remission.)
 
Hazel wrote:
she has 30 tumors in her brain

i'm in shock
Click to expand...
Oh my, I am so sorry for you guys. Right now the cancer is not a thing to think about really.

I just found out that one of my aunts has bone cancer in her spine possibly in her liver too. She is 37.

I will be praying for you, hubby and the whole family.
 
I'm so sorry for you as well SweetPea. I'll be praying for you too.

Ryan is pretty much freaking out. His mom is 49. And Aubrey, the youngest, is going to be 14 this month... 14...
 
Hazel wrote:
I'm so sorry for you as well SweetPea. I'll be praying for you too.

Ryan is pretty much freaking out. His mom is 49. And Aubrey, the youngest, is going to be 14 this month... 14...
Click to expand...
Oh man, 14 yrs old.

I wish you guys were close. I would have my niece meet her. She is 13 now and she lost her mother at 12 yrs old. It is going to be hard.

I really feel bad for you. Where is Aubrey going to stay?
 
I don't know. I'm hoping not with her dad. He's remarried and controlling. The step-sisters are awful. Nicole is 13 and wear mini mini skirts, black eyeliner and dark make-up. She gets away with everything.

Ryan's mom is a teacher, she has raised 3 extremely intelligent children and Aubrey was the 4th who was turning out to be very smart. If she goes to live with her father, it will be a horrible influence on her. :( Ryan is really upset about this too.

We're hoping she'll live with her uncle.
 
Oh Hazel, I'm so sorry for all of you. My brother and dad both died of cancer within the last year. What I appreciated most was that my husband was just here....physically present with me...as much as he could be. He held me when I wept, llistened when I talked, and was a rock through everything. There will be so many different emotions that you will all experience. Be there, and love him and the rest of his family through it. You all will be in our thoughts and prayers.....Grace
 
Pumpkin has said it all.

I do hope Aubrey lives with her uncle or even with you guys if you can or allowed. I don't like it when a young teen wears clothing that you described. I dont have a problem with that if they are an adult to where they can protect themselves. But a young teen can lead to horrible horrible things.

I am sorry for this.
 
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