O/T Ranting about my father-in-law

[dmmcnair]

I am so upset with my father-in-law right now..Ihave to get this off my chest and after reading the I want a babythread I know some of you might understand.

I have four kids, ages 9, 7, 2, and 10 months. I stay at homewith my kids, and have been doing it for 3 years now (ever since Ifound out I was prego with my 2 year old). My house is adisaster area. I know this, I hate it, but it comes with theterritory. We take a day during our very precious weekends(this is the only time the kids get to spend with their dad, as heworks an hour and a half away, is gone at 6 am and doesnt' return homeuntil 7 pm or later and works every other Saturday) to clean our houseas best we can and as quickly as we can. An hour later it isa disaster area again.

My father-in-law told me yesterday that my house was a health hazard tomy kids!!! That since I don't do anything all day long my house shouldbe perfectly clean!!! Basically, I am a bad mother and wifeand am not doing my job! That's how I feel anyway. I am sodepressed and I feel basically worthless right now. It's badenough that at times I feel that I am not doing enough for my kids andmy husband without someone telling me I suck!

Let me give you the history of our house...it's not ours, we are livinghere at the sufferance of my in-laws. When my hubby and Iwere looking for some land to put our trailer on, and eventually buildour own house, the in-laws said let us help you, here you need to finda place with a house already on it so you don't add to your bills, herewe'll buy this property with this wonderful house with the familycompany, don't you worry about it, we'll take care of it, here let usadd on to your house because there aren't enough rooms, and no youcan't help pay for it because the house is not in your name and thecompany is paying for it anyway, and if you put any money down to helpyou will make yourselves a higher percent holder of the family comapanyand that wouldn't be fair to the other kids, so you can't helpmoneywise, or and you have no say whatsoever in what is done to thehouse or property.

I am so thankful that we have a great house to live in and property formy kids to run around on and be safe, but this isn't my home, and I wasreminded very thoroughly of it yesterday. He said he wantedto bring my hubby's brother to show off the place but he wasembarrassed by it. And it wasn't fair to the other kids thatthey are putting so much money into this house and we can't keep itperfectly clean, even though we had a family meeting before theproperty and house were bought, and everyone agreed to it.

My father-in-law hired a guy to build a barn, yahoo now I have a placeto store everything, not, it was started in April and still not done,and now the guy is being sued for breach of contract. So nobarn, no place to put our stuff. There is no storage to speakof in the house, I don't have anywhere to put anything. Thesmaller children don't even have drawers yet, their clothes are in mydrawers!

I'm sorry this was so long, but...I don't know...I'm just soupset. And the fact that my dad is coming for a visit, and isa neat freak too, and I have to get the house cleaned, the outsidedone, and Ella and Jenna have to go outside, along with the guinea pig,because I can't take hearing the crap that is going to come out of mydad's mouth, and on top of that our guinea pig Madi died yesterday, andmy father-in-law said that it was good, now we could get rid of thestinky cage (which I just cleaned out so it wasn't stinky, in fact itis never over stinky), and of course those stupid rabbits shouldn't bein the house cause they stink and are messy and it isn't good for thekids, and why do I have rabbits anyway, cause they aren't good foranything, and don't you do anything all day long? No I don't doanything, but pay the bills, worry about the bills, take care of mykids, worry about my kids, deal with the school, and anything else thatcomes up, get my kids fed, clean, homework done, showered, chores donerabbits fed and watered cages cleaned hubby fed clothes ironed kids inbed, etc. Did I leave anythingout?

Sorry folks. Thanks for listening.

Dawn

My neighbor gave me this to hang on the wall, God Bless her!

Excuse this house Some houses try to hid the fact that childrenshelter there, ours boasts it quite openly, the sins are everywhere...For smears are on the windows, little smudges on the doors; I guiss Ishould apologize for the toys strewn on the floor. But I sat down withthe children and we laughed and playe and read and if hte doorbelldoesn't shine, their eyes will shine instead. For when at times I'mforced to choose, the one job or the other; I want to be a housewife,but first I'll be a mother. ~author unknown~

 

[m.e.]

Awwwwww *HUGS*

I definately sympathize. Wish I had some words of wisdom to offer, butmy mom is one of those neat-freaks ... so's my dad. There are threekids and my parents both work part-time, and our house is clean everyday. *sigh* Looking back, I have mixed feelings on whether Iappreciated the clean house or not.

But I wish you the best, and hope everything works out okay (and you keep your sanity )

 

[u8myhouse]

Let mejust say this now, the cleaness of your house is not the most importantthis in your child's life. I grew up with a mother that wanted to keepthe house clean all the time to give the "right impression" to theneighbors. She would immediately clean up after everything, it wasn'tfun.

Now, I spent most of mychildhood at my neighbors house, she is a stay at home mom that isalways there for her kids. She was never a neat person. She had whatshe liked to call "cleaning spurts"so it wasn't the neatestplace there. But it was great. I think that it also helped that she's avery giving person. My parents weren't exactly great parents and sheended up taking my brother in when he was 14, I'd been going overconstantly except to eat and sleep since I was 3 or so.

Anyway, the whole point to that was, that if your kids are happy withthe way you live, who cares what anyone else thinks, aren't they theones that really matter anyway?

And if your family agreed to let you live there they should let you dowith the house what you want, as long as you clean it up before youmove out someday.

~Christine~

 

[dmmcnair]

Thanks, we have our cleaning spurtstoo. I grew up in a neat house...most of my weekends werededicated to cleaning the darn house! When I lived with my real dad fora while, he was like a drill sergeant in how the house had to be clean!

I pretty much try to get my older kids to keep the toys put away, andto make sure that their small pieces are not in Aubrey's reach, andbasically put their clothes in the dirty clothes.

What makes it bad is that when he came over yesterday, Tristan hadgotten a bag of corn chips off the counter and distributed them allover the living room...that's when he shows up, seeing Tristan andAubrey eating corn chips off the floor! Now I clean theliving room floor everyday before they wake up...not that you can tellit by the end of the day, but that is where they stay all day, they areblocked off from the rest of the house, because all their toys arethere, and it's the only baby proof room I have in the house.We don't even have a couch in there anymore, so that they can roamaround and have lots of room to romp. It seems he alwaysshows up when there is an extremely big mess!

I don't know how he doesn't understand how it is, he raised 3 kids, butthen again, his wife is like Mrs. Clean! And now of coursetheir house is spotless...could be that they are hardly ever there, andonly have to clean up after themselves????? I know that when my kidsare gone, my house will be spotless too...it was before I had kids andeven when I had only one, but with 4, i've got more important things todo! It's not like he has ever offered to watch the kids so Ican do something with the house...heck even my neighbor, who works twojobs, and gets no sleep, offered to come by to help watch the babies soI could clean before my dad comes to visit! Ohhhh everytime Ithink of yesterday, I get so mad!

I had to tell my hubby not to say anything, and he was apologizing to me about his dad, like it was his fault!

You know maybe if I worked, we would all be gone all day, not have anytime to play in the evenings, and my house would be clean...I don'tthink so. I'm not doing that to my kids again. Ispent the first 5 years of my oldest boy's life not being with himbecause I was in the Army. My parents raised him, I moved outhere to be with him, and now that I have more kids, I will never dothat to them! I refuse. And anyway what's the use of workingjust to pay for daycare??? And not to be with the kids or my hubby, nauh no way, ain't happenin!

I just wish I could say something to him, but I can't cause this is hishouse! I know it needs to be better kept, and I would love to have theenergy and stamina to do that, but it doesn't happen. I am upat 5 am to 12am everyday, weekends included. Oh geez, I gottastop, I'm just getting even more mad, and giving myself a headache.

Thanks for listening...again!

Dawn

 

[m.e.]

I found this quote off another board:

In twenty years, the house will not complain to its therapist that you spent too much time on the children.

 

[pamnock]

I'm a neat-freak also and clean the house often-- including bleaching anything we touch and scrubbing the carpeting aminimum of once a month. One would envision that I live in asparkling palace.

Reality -- Unfortunately, with me being home all day with 3homeschooled kids, the clean lasts about 5 minutes and our house looks*well* lived in (understatement).

Once the kids start school each day, books are spread from one end ofthe house to the other. Our leaf project took up the floor ofan entire room. With kids home all day, there is eating goingon all day, which translates to dishes, food dropped on the kitchenfloor and a dirty table cloth. My friend's kids are also herefor two weeks and sleeping in my living room on the fold-out sofa, soblankets and pillows are also littering the floor.

I'll spend the entire afternoon cleaning, cooking and doinglaundry. By tomorrow morning, the house will once again looklike a tornado has gone through it at least a few times!



Simply put -- if you are home all day with kids -- the house can simply not stay clean for long!

Pam

 

[DaisysMom]

Firstly I'm sorry you are feeling sodown.

I'm a neat freak myself, stems for generations of neatfreaks. My house is always spotless, however we don't haveany children.we work all day, sonobody isin the house to dirty or mess it up.

My mom was a stay at home mom. There where 4 children in ourfamily. My dad worked long and late hours. We werevery close in age, When I was 7, my sister was 4, my other sister was 3and my brother was a newborn. Our house was alwaysspotless. We grew up helping with the chores as soon as wewere able to. My mom would make cleaning the housefun. While we dusted the furniture or vacuumed, she would putsome music on and we would dance or play "make believe games bydressing up. Hanging the laundry turned into agame. She would hide loose changein socksand pockets and we would try to find it etc..

I have to agree with the previous poster, there is no possible way thatyour house can be totally spotless with children home all day.

It was a great way to keep the housework under control and still spend quality time with together.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but can you possiblehire a cleaning person twice a month or even monthly. Thiswould eliminate so much stress and you would have so much more timewith your family.

I don't think that what your FIL said to you is nice, it's your choice what you feel is a "health hazard" or not.

 

[bunsforlife]

I just want to throw this out there for your reading...

Kids who live in a 'spotless' home among neat freak parents are morelikely to develop immune system problems/allergies/etc. (I amsure I can dig up the exact study if you wanted me to)

And I doubt a 'lived' in house is a health hazard. Are therebugs? Does the whole place smell like sour milk? Isthere feces on the floor? Is there dish water left in thesink for weeks at a time?

I doubt it. Those are the homes that are hazards to children and signify neglect.

If your father in law is an ass, I am sorry. Some people arelike that. Some people like having the power of 'lording'over someone. Sadly, there are a few people like that in myjob right now (Residential Care Counselor) and I picked up on thosevibes on two individuals on my first day on the job. It is asad truth, but a human one.

Never let ANYONE think you are not worthwhile.

Being a mother is a full time job. Of course, housewife isntmy favorite term. If you came up with a fancy name, I bet youwould get more respect.

And dont worry about posting that on here. From what I havelearned in my short time here... this is a family of sorts.We are joined by a mutual respect and love with animals, but ourcompassion spreads out to each other. If more people lovedrabbits I think the world would be a better place

::hugs:: good luck!

Melissa

 

[mygrl2k3]

My apartment is the same way. With kids you justcant keep it clean. Plus cleaning is boring lol. I find it actullyhelps me stay on task cleaning if i have a good friend to talk to onthe phone. Sorry your father n law is beinga pain. My dadused to get on me too about a messy house and of couse he would toostop by when it would be at its worst.

Cristy

 

[RaspberrySwirl]

Well, I haveseveral things to add. I understand your frustration. My Mom had aspotless house, even when she worked two jobs. We all had regularchores and she spent her Saturdays doing house work. So, I know what aspotless house should look like. I don't have one. My house is one ofthose that looks clean a few times a week to someone who might come tothe door and walk through to the kitchen and visit for a few minutes,but upon closer inspection...whoa buddy! It's frustrating sometimesbecause I put a lot of pressure on myself regarding not having a cleanhouse. After all, I'm a stay at home Mom. But as Pam pointed out and asanyone who has several children knows, when you have a house full ofkids, it's tough to keep things clean. For me, it seems especiallydifficult with teenagers. I am an officer of our CheerleaderParentOrganization, an officer of the Soccer Team BoosterClub, involved in After Prom, Sideliners, AYSO, and Booster Club. I goto three sports games a week, I pack teamdinners for thecheerleading squad...you get the point...I choose to be involved withmy kids activities because I think that is what is most important tothem. When my son ran on to the football field he always looked for mein the stands, always. When my daughter begins cheering a game, shealways finds me and shows me her beautiful smile. When Sebastian'slittle girl blocks a goal, she looks at me first to see if I saw it.They do not come find me and thank me for a clean toilet. The footballplayers used to tell me I baked the best peanut butter cookies on teammeeting night. It took me all afternoon every Thursday to make cookiesfor 100 boys. But they will always remember that. The cheerleaders lovethe home-crafted locker decorations I put on their lockers every Fridaymorning on game day. When I start beating myself up about the 15 loadsof laundry that need to be done. I try to remember that it won't bethat long before I won't have any extra laundry to do because they willall be gone.

I know it's hard because when you are astay at home Mom you don't get messages of self worth from anyone else.You are constantly fighting for any fragment of self esteem and value.When someone like your father in law bashes you, it confirms the thingsyou are doubting about yourself. You can't let that happen. It's likethat little devil on your shoulder. Freaking thump him off yourshoulder and go on about your day! If you and your husband are happywith the way you are living, if your environment is healthy and thechildren are happy, then you're good to go!

Raspberry

 

[Luvit73]

What you are is a Domestic Engineer .You are dishwasher , floor scrubber , laundry woman , chef, shopper , chauffer , doctor , owie kisser , tear wiper , fightmoderator , day care , waitress , and that's to name a few . But youdon't do anything all day , right ? NOT ! Your father-in-law should bein your shoes for a single day , and see how clean the house is ! He istotally in the wrong - and what he is doing to you is abusive . Maybeyou and your husband (he seems supportive) can sit down with him , andtell him in no uncertain terms , that if he can't be nice , to stay outof the house . If he pulls the "it's my house" crap (and he sounds likethe kind of guy who might) the two of you should make the decision ifhis abuse is somthing that can be tolerated long term , and if it isn't, then move out ! You shouldn't have to live under someone's thumb likethat ! In the long run , that kind of behaviour will be detrimental toyour state of mind - worse than it is now . And , it isn't good foryour children , either to have mamma upset , orbeing exposedto someone disrespecting their mother . You and your husband need topresent a strong united front against him , and if that isn't goodenough , tell him where to stick it , and move on .

 

[m.e.]

If he's honestly still bothering you, make a listof exactly what you do every day. And I mean everything frommaking breaksfast to wiping runny noses. I think you'll find the listto be quite long. It'll make you feel better, and show him that being astay-at-home mom is a full time job!

 

[RaspberrySwirl]

M.E., I was goingto mention that too! I did that a few years back. I kept a notebook fora week or so. I put every thing in it from feeding the fish to makingdoctor appointments. Don't leave a blasted thing out! Your familydoesn't have a clue what you do, I guarantee you!

Raspberry

 

[BunnyMommy]

Well ... ALL I KNOW IS ... Dr. Phil, whom Igreatly respect and admire, constantly cites a SCIENTIFIC study thatindicates that the responsibilities that a stay-at-home mom carries outthroughout the day are equivalent to TWO AND A HALF full-time jobs.

Tell your father-in-law to stick THAT in his pocket and smush it ... :X

And FOR THE RECORD ... I respect EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU who havechosen to stay at home and RAISE AND NURTURE YOUR CHILDREN ....REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT IS SPOTLESSLY CLEAN ORNOT ...



Oh, I'm just FUMING overhere!

 

[dmmcnair]

thank you all sooooo much! ya'll have made mefeel much better! I know how the man is...this time it justreally got to me. if icould hire someone to cleanthe house, i sure would, but they'd probably quit after a day or so! myhouse literally only starys clean for maybe an hour or so, and someplaces only about 20 minutes.

there are no bugs in my house except for the occasional spider, fly,knat, or scorpion. And I have those because i live in thecountry! i have never had a cockaroach in any house i livedin except when i lived in an apartment and they came from nextdoor...let me tell you, they didn't stay at my place long! honestly,i've seen worse. my in-laws get the same darn pests in theirhouse!

my kids are rarely even sick! my little ones have not gottenworse than the common cold! i haven't been truly sick since before ibecame a stay-at-home mom! I would think that if my house wasa health hazard we'd all be sick all the time!

sigh...i can't change how he is, we just deal with it, i will suck itup and drive on as i have always done. it is good to know iam not the only one.

we are just getting into the sports stuff with my kids, i can't evenimagine how busy i'll be when they are all into something or other!

thank you all again, i knew i could count on ya'll being the caringfolks i have come to know and that you all could cheer me up!ya'll always do! don't really know what i would do without ya'll tobounce things off of, and just be able to rant and ramble!

Thanksagain!!! foreveryone!

Dawn

 

[Pepper]

Has your father-in-law ever offered to help youclean the house?Doesn't he realize you have alot to do with 4 kids.Ifhe doesn't like the way your house is then let him be the one to cleanit.You should have your father-in-law babysit for a whole dayat your house and let him know how it feels to know what it'slike on a daily basics at your house.You should have a day to yourselfand think of nothing and enjoy yourself,everybody needs a break fromtime to time.Maybe if your father-in-law was with the kids for a wholeday,maybe he'll understand that being a mom is a full time job.

 

[dmmcnair]

Babysit for a whole day??!! NOT! Whenhe watches them for a few hours all he does is pretty much watch sportson TV, or he is outside doing stuff. He refuses to changeAubrey's diaper, so he doesn't watch her! I'm lucky if hewill change Tristan's diaper. If I left him alone all daywith all the kids, the youngest would have diaper rashes!Personnally, I couldn't, in my right mind, let him watch my kids allday alone. The last time I did have him babysit for a coupleof hours, I asked my neighbor to drop by and see how he was doing, andshe cleaned my kitchen for me (I just love my neighbor, she is anawesome person, it's a shame she works two jobs right now, she is sotired).

I know his limitations, and I know he will never understand exactlywhat I go through each and every day. He lives in his perfectworld, and expects it to encompass everyone. He is a lostcause. He doesn't think before he speaks, and is clueless about thehurt he causes. Oh well, I just need a tougher skin.

Thanks for all your support!

Dawn

We are taking a break from cleaning today. We are in clean mode!!

 

[kpc]

Dawn/

Iknow how you feel my fathe in law is the same way every time he comesto our house it is a mess just last week he told me that if i stayedwith him for a day i would learn how todo things the right way boy didthat hurt i stay home with my kids also and your right the house willstay clean for about 30 seconds so i send you lots of hugs andunderstanding

kim

 

[bluebird]

The man doesnt have a clue,with that manychildren you are working your butt off everyday.People do not respectstay at home mothers.I am home now with my 4 year old son and myhusbands sister who is retarded.I also babysitsometimes andmy daughter said to me i have nothing to do all day.I baked cookies forhalloween and made caramel apples.My house is not always neat, my sonand the bunnies come first.bluebird

 

[Jems]

I am not a stay at home mom and I don't think Icould ever be. I admire anyone who chooses thatcareer. I had a mom who was a stay at home mom andour house was never spotless. We all survived and now asadults with our own children do we dwell on the fact that the house wasoften messy? No! but are we glad our mom was thereeveryday when we got home from school??Definately!!!

We both work and the kids go to school. Both kids are activein many sports and so we often come home and drop things on our way outthe door again to practice or a game. We do our best to keepthe messes to a minimum.

We also have 4 dogs, 4 cats, 2 bunnies, a guina pig and 2cockatiels. Cleaning could be a full time job and we don'thave enough time to put in to keep it spotless. Would Ichange anything?Nope. I would not tradeone of ourbeloved pets for a cleaner house. My kids arehappy, well socalized and active. They know that pets are aserious responsabiltiy, a living creature to be loved and who giveslove, not someting to be passed off when they make a mess orstart to take a little time. We support that 100%

My son has a friend who's mother always crabs about the number ofanimals we have. Once when my son had a cold she tried totell him it was allergies developed from having all thoseanimals!! I told him to ignore her and that it is notimportant what other people think!!

We spend an hour or two on the weekend dusting and 'really cleaning'and the rest of the week- we do what we have time to do.

If your kids are happy and well adjusted and not living in filth-don'tlet him bother you. Some people are just bullies!!

Jen