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My precious baby Kerensa

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SnowyShiloh

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Warning: this is very long and rambling.

Oh, how I despise that I am posting in this forum again! My precious, beautiful, insanely loved baby girl Kerensa died in my arms exactly 2 hours ago. This was extremely sudden, she appeared fine earlier today, yesterday, the day before yesterday... She was an extremely healthy little bunny and just turned 3 a couple of months ago.

Two weeks ago she had a tummyache for a day (didn't want to eat and was a little lethargic), but she perked up the next day and went back to normal. Last year she had a tummyache (didn't want to eat her food) one day and I rushed her to the vet, spent $300, and she was back to normal that evening, so we decided to just watch her for the day this time since her stomach felt normal and she didn't seem to be in pain. Then when she was fine the next day (and every day since), I thought it was just an anomaly. These 2 bellyaches are the only time she was ever sick in her entire life. Now I will wonder for the rest of my life whether the vet could have detected something wrong with her if I'd taken her in 2 weeks ago. I feel like I failed my little girl.

Tonight at about 10:30, I heard her flailing around in her cage a little bit. My husband laughed at her and thought she was just being silly, but I got up to look at her. She was lying stretched out on her belly, which is a pretty normal flop position for her, but I sensed that something was off. I opened her cage and she was having a hard time standing properly and her eyes seemed blank. She looked perfect other than that and ate and drank today. I gave her a little treat and she ate it, but I knew something was extremely wrong. I scooped her up and called the emergency vet, they said they had no vet tonight that could see rabbits, but agreed to take a look at her. We rushed her to the vet, with her in my arms. I could feel her little heart beating. Her nose was not wiggling and she was rather floppy, but she was blinking some. Her ears felt cooler than normal.

When we got to the vet office, they let us into the waiting room and left us there. We sat there with her for about 10 minutes. She started flailing around like she was trying to get out of my arms (she did this once at home, too, while my husband held her as I got my coat on). Considering how lethargic she was, I knew it wasn't just because she didn't want to be held- plus she usually likes being held. Then she started having very strong body spasms and I had to hold onto her, with her head tucked under my chin. I kissed her and whispered to her that she would be okay, over and over, but I knew they were death spasms. Tears fell on her head, but I managed to keep it together as she died because I didn't want to scare her with crying in her final moments. Then the spasms became more rhythmic and she arched her back and pulled her lips back... and she was gone.

After she died, I started crying and screaming hysterically with her in my arms. The vets all came into the waiting room and watched us. We left and brought Kerensa home and I held her for an hour, hugging her and kissing her and stroking her sweet fur. I wiggled her nose and touched her tail and petted her ears and felt her whiskers. Some of her whiskers were gray, and some were white. Her little nose had an indent on one side from where Rory bit her on Halloween 2 years ago. She felt warm the whole time, maybe because I was holding her so closely. Sometimes my breath caught in my throat because it looked like she twitched. I could hear little sounds coming from her as her body settled. My husband went out to buy her a pretty purple towel and I wrapped her in it, with her face showing, and kissed her one last time, then put her in a box so we can take her to be cremated in the morning.

I cannot believe my little baby is getting cold out in a cardboard box in the entryway instead of inside with me! Kerensa was my special girl and I loved her so much. I think I'm in shock- I went from being completely oblivious to anything wrong, to holding my dead baby girl in 20 minutes.

All bunnies are special. Kerensa was extra special. I had the most unspeakably wonderful little Holland Lop girl named Tallulah for 5 very short months, she died at the age of 7 months after suffering near constant illnesses. Mites, URI, gastrointestinal... she fought so hard. We finally got her through it, though, and by 6 months of age, her health had stabilized. Then she had a tummyache one day, seemed to get better, and died the next day. I've always wondered if I could have saved her. I was extremely, EXTREMELY in love with Tallulah and was utterly devastated by her death. After she died, I had nightmares about her dying for months, and I didn't smile again for about a month after she died because I was so heartbroken.

A year and a half later, my husband agreed to let me get another little Holland Lop girl. All of our other bunnies that we got since Tallulah were rescues, but I needed a Holland Lop, it had to be a girl, and she had to be a baby. I picked the name Kerensa for this special little one, because it means "love." Six months after we picked her name, we were at the fair. I saw lots of baby Holland Lops but none of them was Kerensa. Then I saw the sweetest little baby girl and knew she was finally my Kerensa. Sadly, she had already been promised to someone else. I was SO sad because I already loved her. I took this video of her at the fair, a precious little 10 week old baby:



The video is short because I turned off the camera as the breeder walked back over to me. She saw how lovingly I looked at Kerensa and asked for my phone number, just in case it fell through with Kerensa's buyer. I didn't have much hope, but the next morning, the phone rang. It was the breeder, and Kerensa was mine! We had to wait a few minutes to leave and pick her up because I was crying so hard from happiness.

My little Kerensa lived up to her name. She was the sweetest bunny I've ever known, and so loving. In her three years, she never once bit or acted aggressive. She was like love in physical form. She was so cute, everyone gushed over how adorable she was. Even as an adult, she still looked like a baby and was quite small. Her fur was so very soft and fluffy, like a cloud. Her ears were so silky. She was so angelic, with her white fur and little bits of gray and grayish-brown. I thought she was gorgeous and loved her very much. While she was never really supposed to fill Tallulah's shoes, she helped heal my heart and was definitely her own little bunny. I was SO GLAD that she was so healthy and naively thought she would live a long, happy life with me since she was in such good health.



My sweet little Muffy, I love you endlessly and can't fathom the fact that you're gone and that I'll never see you again. I hope there's a heaven and that you're there, getting to know Tallulah. You two would be great friends, I'm sure of it. The idea of you frolicking happily with Tallulah, Cinnabun, Skyler, and Nomi is the only comforting thing.

When I found you having trouble standing and with dull eyes, I immediately thought of when Cinnabun (my first bunny) died. It was 11 years ago and I was in high school. The night before, I couldn't stand to put him back in his cage at bed time and got out of bed 3 times to cuddle with him more. Then at 5 am, I woke up randomly. Went out into the hallway where his cage was, and he did not come to the side of the cage. Flipped the lights on and found him, dull eyed, unable to stand. He died in my arms a minute later. When I saw you, I knew it was happening again.

When you started spasming, I knew you were about to die. Tallulah spasmed in the exact same way. Thankfully, I was able to keep ahold of myself in your final moments. When Tallulah started having death spasms, I went into a blind, screaming, wailing panic. It pains me to think her last seconds on Earth might have been scary because of me. I didn't want you to go that way and I'm really glad I was able to keep control of myself until after you died.

When we got you home, I sat on the couch and rocked you in the arms while I cried, for a long time. I was sitting in the exact same place when Tallulah died in my arms. I will always wonder if there's anything I could have done to save you, just like Tallulah. Losing you is like losing your bunny brothers and sisters all over again.

Did you suffer before you died? Was my presence when you passed away comforting to you? I'm so glad that you died in my arms and not all alone in your cage during the night.

At the fair:





When we brought you home:





Kerensa's First Birthday:





Kerensa's Second Birthday (sadly, we missed celebrating her third- we were out of town, and I thought we would have many more birthdays to celebrate with her):



Halloween (an angel, of course):



Christmas:

 

Bville

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I am so sorry for you loss. She really was an adorable bun. I think she would want you to remember the love and joy she brought to you and let go of any worry about what else you could have done to help her. She is your bunny angel now sending you kisses from the rainbow bridge.:bunnyangel::rainbow:
 

Tauntz

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You have my heartfelt condolences & prayers. Kerensa was a beautiful bunny. Wish there was a way to take the pain of her loss away but with great love there is that great pain when we lose them. Try to take comfort in the fact that you loved her so much & she knew she was loved by you. You did the best you knew how at the time so try not to beat yourself up with "what ifs." She loved you & I'm sure she wants you to remember her with all the happy memories of your time together.
 

bunnyluvns

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Your post made me bawl my eyes out. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through now. But you can take comfort in knowing you held her as she passed from this life to the next. I'm sure she knew you were there & knew how very, very much you loved her.

Also, please, please don't think you'll never see her again. Animals have souls just as surely as people do & someday you'll be reunited with all your precious babies, never to be separated again. In the meantime, since she's no longer trapped in her body & can go wherever she wants now, who's to say she's not right there beside you? I hope that doesn't sound too weird, i just believe with my whole heart that the souls of animals go on living after their physical bodies have died.

My prayers go out to you that God will comfort you in this very difficult time:hug2:
 

middlemuse

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So sorry you had to lose such a good friend in such a traumatic way. I know it did help her to have you there. She was with the person who loves her the most. I'm not a very fanciful person but I know that rabbits are too smart and too social not to take comfort from that.
 

jemm

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What a lovely tribute and I am really sorry for your loss, everyone here is a bunny fan so you're not alone for how you're feeling we are all share your love and pain. Well done for writing your tribute
 

Nancy McClelland

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So sorry for your loss, I'm in tears now. Binky free little girl and rest in peace. Bonny, our little Dutch was 3 years old and was fine--we went out and our son came over to feed everyone and thought she was sleeping as she was the queen of flopping, but she was gone. I wish there was more I could say, but words are so inadequate.
 

Korr_and_Sophie

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I am so sad to be reading this. It's never easy to lose a bun and especially hard when it is so sudden and they are extra special to you.
Your story is far to close to home, it is pretty much what happened with Korr. Going from happy and healthy one day to gone in a few hours. It seems that the only consolation is that you were there for her and with her. She knew she was loved, right up until the very end.

She was very beautiful and well loved.
 

Chrisdoc

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How very sad. I looked at this section and saw the name and really wished it wasn´t true, can´t quite believe that such a beautiful little girl has left us to go over that bridge. I must admit I cried my eyes out reading your tribute but know she would have felt safe in those last moments in your arms where she was so happy. All the photos you have of that gorgeous little girl to remind you of her wonderful spirit and all the joy she brought to you. We all feel these losses so deeply with you and hope you take comfort from knowing that we are all sending you our thoughts and prayers. Binky free kerensa, you will so so missed.
 

SnowyShiloh

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Thanks for the kind thoughts, everyone. Losing bunnies is so hard! I honestly am not sure whether I believe there's a heaven or not, but if there is, I'm certain that she is there with all my other bunnies and forum bunnies that I've loved from a distance.

My husband just left to take her to be cremated. Usually I clip off some whiskers and a swath of fur when a bunny dies, but I couldn't stand to take anything off her perfect little body. My husband snipped of one little whisker and a couple of hairs for me to keep.

I also called her breeder to let them know she passed away. They loved her, too, and remembered her because we see them at the fair every year and I show them pictures of her and pet all her relatives. Kerensa was the first bunny they ever bred with her coloring and they almost kept her for breeding stock. They were very sad to hear she's gone :(
 

NorthernAutumn

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I have no words, Shiloh... You and yours have been through so much - you've been a wonderful bun-mom to them... no one could have done better than you did, hon. I'm so very sorry that Kerensa is gone. She was such a sweetheart. :cry2 :hug:
 

SnowyShiloh

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My sweet Muffy's ashes are ready. My husband just dropped her off yesterday afternoon, how did they finish so fast?! I hate the idea of my beloved bunnies burning up, but there is something a little bit comforting about having their ashes. Kerensa can be with me forever now. When I die, I want to have the ashes of all my pets buried with me.

Now I have to find her the perfect urn. It's so hard to find one that's just right. I ended up having to take matters into my own hands and spent about 40 hours of a ceramics class handbuilding a larger than life figure of Cinnabun and hollowing it out. My family cried when they saw it because we all loved him. Nomi and Skyler still don't have urns though, and I didn't get Tallulah's perfect urn until this past winter. It's not that I'm happy to store their ashes in the tiny cardboard boxes they're returned in, it's just difficult to find the perfect urn.

One thing I started doing after Skyler died is buying a children's book in the memory of each bunny. I pick a book that reminds me of them in some way, and read the books every once in a while. It really has helped me with the grieving process because it's something unique for each rabbit, and something happy. Skyler's book is Guess How Much I Love You and Nomi has Little White Rabbit. We went to the book store last night and I found the perfect book for Kerensa, it's called Tell Me Something Happy Before I Go to Sleep. It's about a little bunny (a light colored lop, incidentally) who is scared to fall asleep, but her big brother helps her remember many happy things in her life. She finally feels safe enough to fall asleep when he tells her that the morning is waiting for her along with all the wonderful things she will see and do tomorrow, but it can't wake her up until she goes to sleep. Made me cry right there in the book store and when I read it again last night, and now when I'm describing it. It is perfect for my little Kerensa girl.

I also found Tallulah's book. This tradition of buying a book started a couple of years after she died, so she didn't have a book yet. However, I found the perfect one for her, called Rabbityness. It's about a really special, unique rabbit that brought lots of joy to the other rabbits' lives, until one day he just disappeared, leaving behind a deep, dark hole. All the other rabbits were very sad and missed him, but eventually learned to do the special things the rabbit did, and would do them to remember him and feel happy.

Cinnabun doesn't have a book yet, but I will get him one soon.
 
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Chrisdoc

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What a touching way to remember all those wonderful little bunnies who´ve brought you so much joy. I´ve made a note of all those books, you´ve really made me want to read them too.

They leave us but never go from our heart. I do believe that one day, we´ll all be together again.
 

SnowyShiloh

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Chrisdoc, I love children's literature, so this is kind of a natural extension of that. I work with kids in an educational setting so have a decent sized collection of kids' books.

One of the hardest parts about a beloved bunny being gone is when you find yourself looking for them. Of course I am painfully aware that Kerensa is gone, but it doesn't stop me from looking at her cage because I'm used to her being there, then the heart wrenching feeling when she's not. I've also been accidentally calling the other bunnies by her name, which is miserable. Tonight I called Phoebe by Kerensa's nickname of Muffy accidentally...

Don't think I've explained her nickname. We always call it a bunny loaf when the bunnies lie down with all their limbs pulled up under them. Kerensa was so little and fluffy that she was like a muffin. I called her Sugar Muffin and other types of muffin on a regular basis, as well as just Muffin, which got shortened to Muffy. Maybe 10% of the time I called her Kerensa (when talking to her directly), the rest of the time she was usually Muffy, or else Muffin, Wen, or Wenna. It's funny, when I picked her name, I thought there were so many pretty nicknames she could have! Kensa, Kinsey, Kerry... Somehow or other I ended up with Wen and Wenna! She also got called other goofy names like Sweetie Love and Honey Bear and the like, but it was usually Muffy or Wenna :) I did love her name of Kerensa though and did think of it as her name.

Tallulah's nickname that I called her about 90% of the time as well was Maemae (her middle name was Maesie). So my little Maemae and Muffy are together in heaven now. I always thought of them as being a pair so I guess it's fitting even if it breaks my heart.
 

Chrisdoc

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I love the nicknames we give our little bunnies. Sometimes, they´re a bit silly and only mean something to us but I sometimes stop when I´m talking to mine and think that if anyone heard me they´d probably think I was nuts, I talk to my boys all the time.

My little dog died nearly 8 years ago now but I still think I hear her in the house sometimes and still forget she´s not there. Your two little girls will be making friends and talking about the wonderful bunny mom they had.
 

Azerane

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I'm so sorry for your loss, I very much like your idea of buying a book that reminds you of each of them, a way of holding onto their personality :)
 

bunnyluvns

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That's such a wonderful idea, to buy a children's book to remember each of your little babes by :). Those books look absolutely adorable. I wouldn't mind owning them myself.

I love the nicknames you called your little Kerensa, Sugar Muffin being my favorite :bunny24
 

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