Jokes

[Linz_1987]

Hah that is a good one I loved it!

How do you add a word document onto this post? I have a funny document to send.

Also this is a joke my dad sent me.

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Cookbook Diary



MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend
home
for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.

I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
in
a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
recipe.

When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to
ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to
my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk
Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
chocolate
moose.

 

[HoneyPot]

Gotta Love this Lawyer Only in Louisiana. You gotta love this lawyer -it's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house willenjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. Hewas told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory titleto the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to theproperty dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months totrack down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received thefollowing reply.



(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client'sloan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstractof Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you haveprepared and presented the application, we must point out that you haveonly cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clearthe title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows(actual letter):"



Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.

I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 yearscovered by the present application. I was unaware that any educatedperson in this country, particularly those working in the propertyarea, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., fromFrance in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. Forthe edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the landprior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired itby Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession ofSpain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captainnamed Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege ofseeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The goodqueen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titlesas the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Popebefore she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now thePope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, theSon of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that partof the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner oforigin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, theworld as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claimto be satisfactory. Now, may we have our **** loan?"



He got the loan.

 

[missyscove]

Things Said Under Oath

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
____________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
____________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you goto?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that youexamined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering while
I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

 

[Bunnys_rule63]

:bumpI think this thread needs reviving, so come on guys, post your funny jokes, stories, pictures - whatever!:biggrin2:

I'll start...

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:



Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the Screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Regards
IT Technical Support Team



Dear Abby:
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked up her cell hone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but, last night, she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. I t was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Jim



How do you know you are too fat?

When you are sun tanning on the beach, a number of guys from Greenpeace try to roll you back in the water




A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[Bunnys_rule63]

Applying for a job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"

 

[Bunnys_rule63]

Ever feel like doing this to someone?

Just watch it over and over....it makes you feel so much better!:biggrin2:

 

[Bunnys_rule63]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs; and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs; and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.

 

[Bunnys_rule63]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.





Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

 

[Bunnys_rule63]