Dealing with grief after decision to euthanize my little Ula

[pinupchick]

I haven't posted in a while, as things had generally been fairly good with Ula's health and I found a vet that I really liked.

As she was getting older, some problems started to pop up. She had molar spurs that needed annual or bi-annual trims, and she'd have very infrequent seizures which became more frequent recently. She also started to get bouts of gas fairly often, and also had lower back pain and hind leg weakness in one of her back legs.

She was 10, almost 11 years old when she went into GI stasis last week. I did all the right things with syringe feeding, pain medication, motility drugs, etc. It seemed like she was turning around last Friday and she started eating tons of veggies and pooping normally. She then took a turn and on Saturday she was very lethargic and despite the medication and force-feedings, wasn't improving. She had a seizure on Sunday morning and surprisingly made it out of it alive. But after that all she would do was hide in strange places and look miserable. We had her scheduled for her molar trim on Monday, but she looked like she didn't have any fight in her left. The vet said that at her age it would be a long road to recovery if recovery was even possible. He said that to figure out what was causing the seizures there'd be a lot of invasive tests, and when he listened to her belly he said he heard no sounds at all.

We decided the kindest thing would be to euthanize her. She just looked so sad and wasn't getting any enjoyment out of life.

But now that she's gone, and I stare at an empty cage, I'm beside myself with grief. I keep thinking she'll be there, and she's not. Every time I walk by, I expect to see her run to greet me, but there's just nothingness. She was my only pet and her absence is palpable.

1) I worry that I didn't fight hard enough for her. That I made the wrong choice.
2) I worry that I'll never get over this. It just hurts so bad.

Any words of wisdom on how to deal with grief would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Aki]

Almost 11 years old is very old for a rabbit. From what you're saying, your rabbit had been through a lot, had several issues and was just tired of it all. You were the one who knew how to read her the best, if you felt like she didn't want to live like that anymore it was probably the truth. It is true that putting your pet to sleep is never an easy decision, but I think it's selfish to keep an animal alive despite their suffering just because we don't want to see them die. The other day, someone on a forum wrote that she once made the mistake to fight to keep her dog alive even if he obviously didn't want to live anymore and that she regretted it a lot. She said that even though it is awful for us to wonder if we didn't give up too early, when you consider what's best for your pet, a day too soon is a lot better than a day too late. I think that is quite true.

Getting over the death of a beloved pet is not easy. I still think often about the rabbit I've lost 2 and a half years ago and I cried for weeks at the time. I think that the healing process is very personnal. When it happened to me, I waited about 6 weeks and chose to take another rabbit in, as it helped me take my mind of things. Of course, Tybalt is nothing like Pandora was but I thought that, at least Pandora's death was an opportunity for another rabbit to go to a good home (as we all know, most of the people who take rabbits in don't go to rabbit forums and most of those rabbits don't make it to 10). Honestly, rabbits are fragile and you worry constantly over them. I don't know if I'll have the strenght to adopt one again when Tybalt will pass. I suspect I will go with a sturdier animal for a while.
But if you don't intend to take a new long-eared friend in soon, I suggest putting the cage and the rest of Ula's stuff away somewhere you can't see them constantly. There is no point in making yourself sadder than you already are by reminding yourself of your rabbit everytime you see those things.

 

[pinupchick]

She was still binkying even up to a few weeks ago, and on Friday she was running circles at my feet. I don't think I waited too long at all. But I worry that because she still had joy in her life so recently, that I made a rash decision.

But then, seeing her so listless and lethargic, and hiding like she just wanted to die, it felt cruel to put her through more. I suppose we always second-guess ourselves. I don't feel good about my decision. And I feel even worse without her here.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

You really need to read and reply to some of the Bridge posts here. Not all made it to such an advanced age, but the common factor here is that they were all loved and will be missed. Time takes some of the sting away, but, I can't visit any of my Bridge entries and stay dry eyed. I miss all of our bunnies that have passed, and we've rescued over 40 in the last 2 decades so we have had our share of goodbyes. It's not easy, but it is the right thing to do when there is no longer any quality of life, only suffering. The biggest piece of advice I have to give you is not to second guess yourself and drown in self doubt. It's a hard thing to have to say goodbye, but it was the right choice, especially given her age. Our very first bunny passed at 6 years of age, and she looked older than one I have right now that is 14. We've lost some younger than 3 and had one make it to 16, so, appreciate the time you had and dwell on all the good memories. Rest in peace little girl and binky free.