Alexah
Well-Known Member
Okay, I'm trying to combat the negative feelings I'm having and instead only post about the positive. And I'm kind of overwhelmed with feelings of ambivalence about the whole situation, but despite that I can see what a huge accomplishment this is for me.
As many of you know, I have an eating disorder(s). I've struggled with anorexia (and bulimia in some respects) since I was 8 years old. And I'm 25 now. I've had periods of recovery, but it's never been strong recovery -- I've only just done better because I had to. It was never because I wanted to. Well, this past winter I relapsed and when I fell, I fell very hard. I made a lot of bad choices that trickled down into all aspects of my life -- including my behavior here on this site. Since then, though, I've been trying to put the pieces of my life back together. And while I've had periods of time where I was more dishonest than I'd like to admit, I really have been making an honest effort to get well. Both physically and emotionally. I think it will be something I'll always have to work on, but I am proud of the steps I've already taken and I do hope the people in my life are proud as well.
I had an appointment with my dietician this morning. And, I'm happy to say, she discharged me from treatment. I still will see my counselor and work with my doctor, but she feels as though I've made a significant improvement and that seeing her weekly is no longer necessary. And while she has discharged me, I'm opting to continue to see her on a bi-monthly basis so that I can stay connected in case I should falter. In time, my hope is that I can go from bi-monthly to an as needed basis where my meetings are not because I'm struggling, but rather to keep my meal plan updated to suit my needs. This is the first time in a very long time that I'm planning a future where recovery from my eating disorder is in the forefront. I've only ever planned before when I knew I wanted a relapse or, perhaps, just didn't care much one way or the other. Planning for health instead of sickness feels better than I could ever have imagined!
And, most importantly, my dietician weighed me this morning. She weighs me, my doctor weighs me, and in times of real trouble, my counselor even weighs me. But I do not weigh myself because I know how triggering it can be for me. Anyway, when she weighed me this morning I was told I am only 5 pounds from my target weight. This is absolutely huge for me! I've been underweight, well, for a long time now and have been hovering over a sub-standard healthy weight since mid-spring. And I've been working my butt off to get to this point. And now I'm 5 pounds away! It's really scary to me, but it's also something I'm trying to be proud of because I know how difficult this has been for me and I know how hard I've worked. So while I'm not at my target yet, I am closer than I've been in years and it feels good. It feels so good that I know I can do what is necessary to meet my target. I don't want an eating disorder anymore. I just want to be me.
So, yes, maybe this all seems rather insignificant, but it's absolutely massive for me. I know this forum isn't for my eating disorder babble, but I just thought it would be nice to share some good news for once. I'm scared, unsure, and overwhelmed...but I'm proud as well. And I just wanted to share my accomplishment with everyone -- even if they're not interested.
I'm getting healthy. Me! I know lots of people who said it would never happen. And maybe that's why this accomplishment feels so sweet.
As many of you know, I have an eating disorder(s). I've struggled with anorexia (and bulimia in some respects) since I was 8 years old. And I'm 25 now. I've had periods of recovery, but it's never been strong recovery -- I've only just done better because I had to. It was never because I wanted to. Well, this past winter I relapsed and when I fell, I fell very hard. I made a lot of bad choices that trickled down into all aspects of my life -- including my behavior here on this site. Since then, though, I've been trying to put the pieces of my life back together. And while I've had periods of time where I was more dishonest than I'd like to admit, I really have been making an honest effort to get well. Both physically and emotionally. I think it will be something I'll always have to work on, but I am proud of the steps I've already taken and I do hope the people in my life are proud as well.
I had an appointment with my dietician this morning. And, I'm happy to say, she discharged me from treatment. I still will see my counselor and work with my doctor, but she feels as though I've made a significant improvement and that seeing her weekly is no longer necessary. And while she has discharged me, I'm opting to continue to see her on a bi-monthly basis so that I can stay connected in case I should falter. In time, my hope is that I can go from bi-monthly to an as needed basis where my meetings are not because I'm struggling, but rather to keep my meal plan updated to suit my needs. This is the first time in a very long time that I'm planning a future where recovery from my eating disorder is in the forefront. I've only ever planned before when I knew I wanted a relapse or, perhaps, just didn't care much one way or the other. Planning for health instead of sickness feels better than I could ever have imagined!
And, most importantly, my dietician weighed me this morning. She weighs me, my doctor weighs me, and in times of real trouble, my counselor even weighs me. But I do not weigh myself because I know how triggering it can be for me. Anyway, when she weighed me this morning I was told I am only 5 pounds from my target weight. This is absolutely huge for me! I've been underweight, well, for a long time now and have been hovering over a sub-standard healthy weight since mid-spring. And I've been working my butt off to get to this point. And now I'm 5 pounds away! It's really scary to me, but it's also something I'm trying to be proud of because I know how difficult this has been for me and I know how hard I've worked. So while I'm not at my target yet, I am closer than I've been in years and it feels good. It feels so good that I know I can do what is necessary to meet my target. I don't want an eating disorder anymore. I just want to be me.
So, yes, maybe this all seems rather insignificant, but it's absolutely massive for me. I know this forum isn't for my eating disorder babble, but I just thought it would be nice to share some good news for once. I'm scared, unsure, and overwhelmed...but I'm proud as well. And I just wanted to share my accomplishment with everyone -- even if they're not interested.
I'm getting healthy. Me! I know lots of people who said it would never happen. And maybe that's why this accomplishment feels so sweet.
:hearts :brownbunny
