adding to the list of people having a hard time...

[timetowaste]

i don't really openly announce this to people. 2 years ago and some months, i was diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. after a horrid bout with paxil (that i do openly speak of) i was stabilized on zoloft, and i am very thankful for that.

but lately, i've really been caught between a rock and a hard space. i am no longer a student...newly graduated and i feel ostracized from my friends who are still students and in class while i am at home or working some job as a desk manager at a kids party place or teaching some small art class for little kids.

i am no longer a student, i am no longer anything. i'm in limbo as i apply for jobs that i have the least confidence in being qualified for, although i am according to their specifications. i'm having a hard time relating to anyone right now, and a graduate school i wanted to go to in new zealand rejected me (a professor who i wrote to wrote back and said no one does what i want to do there, and wished me luck elsewhere. he straight up said "i cannot help you."). that was a blow to me.

the last 24 hours have been shaky for me as i have had that feeling of panic in my stomach. i am much more able to control it now, and honestly, i also think i am just overtired since i have been having trouble sleeping (getting to sleep, so insomnia-like) and i have worked every single day this week and i don't get a day off until thursday (and even then i work the art classes thursday and friday) and then i just requested the superbowl off. (it is going to be a few miles from my house in glendale, arizona and i really do not want to be on the streets that day with all the drunk drivers produced from that AND the bars and parties.)

on top of that, my best friend was in town last week and everytime she leaves i just get that general feeling of emptiness, because she is seriously my other half. no matter how long we go without talking because of distance and busy lives, she is my sister from anotha motha i miss her so much, and she always makes me smile.

and to add to that, alexah-joy's post in let your hare down really got to me and made me sad, even though i've never experienced an eating disorder before (i'm chubby!!! and happy that way thank you!!!). i can relate to that feeling of distance and pain...and i hate thinking of anyone else feeling that way. i truly do dislike a lot of people, but i always said i would never EVER wish that feeling of true sadness and fear on to anyone. EVER.

i feel a little better now that i vented this all out. i broke down crying today at work and another desk manager that i barely know hugged me and told me it would be okay. i know a lot of you barely know me, but i truly do feel an odd sense of security on this forum.

thank you all for being here. it means more to me than you will know. i think it means more to many people than they actually will admit on here.

tracy

 

[TinysMom]

Oh Tracy....first of all...:hug1

and while we're at it ('cause there's so many of us - and to give everyone a chance)...

more...:hug1:hug1:hug1:hug1

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I have depressive episodes which are NOT seasonal but cyclical - they sort of come and go. Been on Paxil...am off Paxil....I understand a little bit -- even though I'll be the first to admit I'm not in your shoes.

I'll never forget a conversation I had many many years ago when I was depressed but didn't realize it. I was thinking about it the other day and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.


Pat was an older lady who worked/owned the Christian bookstore where we lived. I say "older" sort of tongue in cheek - because I'm now about the age she would've been at the time (funny....it doesn't seem so old now).

She and I were talking about depression and things and she mentioned how she and her husband had taken the day off a week or so before and went up to the lake and walked around and sat and read books and just hung out together. She mentioned how they stayed out long enough to watch the sunset and how beautiful it was and how she "stored it away in her soul" to remember.

I looked at her sort of funny I guess and I forget exactly what I said...but she stated that "life is so often made up of boring days or days that are down or dark or just plain old days when we wonder about life....that when we have those special days...we need to store them away in our memories." I sort of nodded my head and then she said, "You see - those special times became special to us because of all the bad days we go through or the boring days we go through or the blah times in our life. They teach us to appreciate those really good days."

Now that I'm creeping up towards 50....I see the wisdom in what she said.

I know what you're feeling right now isn't the best....its hard. But maybe if you can sort of remind yourself that times like these help us to appreciate the good times...maybe it will help? I realized the other day that for almost 20 years now, I've held onto those thoughts and tried to embrace the bad times - because I knew they would make the good times seem even that much better.

And enough being on my soapbox....:soapbox....you just take care of yourself and do what YOU need to do to feel better. And if you need us...you know we're here and you can vent to us - right?

Peg

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Ahh Tracy, my Mom has panic attacks and I have depression and severe pms. I suddenly would have these lows of feeling as if something was going to go terribly wrong! and I would just cry and/or get completely in a mood (I was a *itch supreme!)

I've been on Zoloft and it's worked very well. Now the doc has added a low dose of Wellbutrin after something like 8 years? and I'm on a low Zoloft - but I am feeling like I am in a fog. It's such a hard thing to deal with!

Changes in our lives (private school to public, stopped going to our Church, and a few things like that) has limited my friendships or even getting out and seeing other adults. It's VERY hard sometimes butI find myself starting to enjoy the isolation - and that worries me!

Do what you can to get some time out with people your age! If you can find a softball league or something like that - DO IT.

I'll be thinking of you - and I'm sorry you don't get to go to graduate school in NZ

:hug:

 

[BlueGiants]

Tracy, you are not alone... :hug: Although I can not know exactly how you feel either, I would not presume to judge you in any way.

Just because you are finished with school for the moment does not mean you are "nothing"! And many people deal with depression and anxiety. You are a very intelligent, articulate and funny person... (AND A GREAT BUNNY MOM!). We all hit bumps in the road... we have all faced rejection...and Peg is right... you have friends! ...And you can vent to us anytime you want.

Do whatever you need to, put yourself first.

 

[timetowaste]

you guys....

i am in tears right now. tears of happiness and admiration. thank you all so much, you have no idea what your words mean to me. i am still at work now waiting for the cleaning to be done as i have finished my part, and i am just a mess of tears and snot (ick!). thank you...thank you.

with more gratitude than you'll ever know,

tracy

 

[Haley]

Im sorry youre having a rough week, Tracy.

I know how youre feeling right now. I graduated a year before all my friends and was going to go straight to law school but took a year off to work. Luckily we all still lived together so that was nice. But now, my two best friends have moved away and Im back in school (after the whole- I have a degree but cant find a job thing). And its really depressing when you dont really know what you want to be doing with your life and your friends arent around to support you.

From what I know of you youre very intelligent and a sweet girl.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

*Haley

PS. Winter always makes me feel depressed too. I dont know about in AZ but its cold and dark here all the time!

 

[timetowaste]

winter is when my anxiety and depression hit the worst point a few years back. so yeah i'd assume winter is also part of it...i love the sunlight. i miss it being around like 12 hours a day thank you haley...it truly means a lot. sounds like you understand where i am coming from, so i don't feel so alone.

tracy

 

[pamnock]

Tracy,

I know it's hard to see the hope when you feel like things are so hopeless right now.

These transitional times in your life can be difficult, but you'll be surprised at the doors that will open when you least expect it.

First - start by capitalizing you name. You are an important person, and this small step will show that you are confident in YOU. It may seem insignificant, but it's an important reflection of how you feel about yourself. In fact, go for the whole enchilada, TRACY! :dude:

Get out and network and make an impact on people, you'd be surprised how something will suddenly just fall in your lap!

(But do take time to kick-back and enjoy the Super Bowl!)

Pam

 

[GoinBackToCali]

I like this part...
ALOT..

"First - start by capitalizing you name. You are an important person, and this small step will show that you are confident in YOU. It may seem insignificant, but it's an important reflection of how you feel about yourself. In fact, go for the whole enchilada, TRACY!"

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Hey Tracy,

I'm very sorry you're having such a hard time. I know how looking for a job is. I don't have a degree, but I know people that do that aren't having any luck either that are freshly graduated from college. The places you apply want experience, well, newly graduated, how are you to get experience when nobody will hire you:?? That doesn't make it any easier. Like Pam said, it can sometimes literally, fall into your lap at the most unexpected time. Good Luck!

Oh, they say to get one of those fake lighting things for winter, I can't at the mo recall what they're called, this doctor (Ob gyn) was talking about it on Oprah last week and said they really help.

 

[Haley]

AngelnSnuffy wrote:

Oh, they say to get one of those fake lighting things for winter, I can't at the mo recall what they're called, this doctor (Ob gyn) was talking about it on Oprah last week and said they really help.

Crystal, you crack me up. You love Oprah dont you?! Thanks for the smile. :biggrin2:

 

[GoinBackToCali]

I just wanted to say a few words.

I don't comment on the mental health threads just because, well, I don't actually have a valid answer.

It doesn't mean I don't care or I don't understand. I do. I myself deal with anger issues. However, my sons issues has pushed those aside. I used to be the most self centered, arrogant and I dare say manipulative person on the face of this earth. When his issues manifested themselves, it forced me to examine my behavior, it forced me to grow up.

My son's issues are as follows, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Bipolar Type 3 Disorder, Manic Depression, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Avoidant and Paranoia Disorders. Suicidal tendencies. Couple all of this with he is gifted and talented. So he gets bored easy.. he goes crazy easy.. and he is 14 almost 15.. so it's hormones as well.

So we have run the full spectrum of meds, Wellbutrin XL, Depakote, Abilify, Concerta, Zoloft, Paxil... to name a few...

I know the side effects, I know the withdrawals..

So even if I don't say anything... know I understand, know you will recieve no judgement from me, and if you have any questions, you can PM me at any time..

Carroll-Marie'

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Haley wrote:

AngelnSnuffy wrote:

Oh, they say to get one of those fake lighting things for winter, I can't at the mo recall what they're called, this doctor (Ob gyn) was talking about it on Oprah last week and said they really help.

Crystal, you crack me up. You love Oprah dont you?! Thanks for the smile. :biggrin2:

What?h34r2 I don't work now, so I tune in:biggrin2:. (I also love Dr. Phil and sometimes Ellen, depending on what's on Oprah. And I learn stuff to share here:bunnydance:, awful funny how it's been coming in handy, haha.) And, you're welcome Haley!

Edit: Finally found it. Dr. Christine Northrup on natural light in winter:

If you can't get enough natural light outside, there are other things you can do, the doctor says. "You need to get a good light box that has enough of the regular bright sunlight wavelengths. And those are widely available," she says. "Even, believe it or not, a lightbulb that's full spectrum lighting. Those fluorescent bulbs, and you just keep it out of the corner of your eye, where you can see it, reading at night, that will turn you right around."

 

[lemonaxis]

Well Tracey you are something, you are a friend of mine....love you lots sweetie and THANK you thank you for the beautifull letter and bookmark.

Tracey you are so good to me and I think the world of you :hug:

 

[pamnock]

AngelnSnuffy wrote:

Oh, they say to get one of those fake lighting things for winter, I can't at the mo recall what they're called, this doctor (Ob gyn) was talking about it on Oprah last week and said they really help.

I use the lights in my house - don't know if they really help, but my plants sure look good!

Pam