A LONG Tribute to GingerSpice

[TinysMom]

Thanks folks. The "what ifs" are driving me up the wall right now.

What if.....we'd gotten a good diagnosis....

What if....we'd known it was EC....and we could've treated it.

What if....Ginger was still alive...would she be in pain? Or would she have a good quality of life?

My biggest regret is that a vet didn't see her. When I called them to talk to them - both vets felt like she must've had a stroke and felt like there was little they could do for her. When I talked to them about what I was doing for supportive care - they said that they felt that was the best thing for her and offered to put her down for me when the time came.

EC was never mentioned - by them - or by me. I thought that EC = head tilt. I didn't know her symptoms were symptoms of EC.....I don't know if I'm making sense.

I keep thinking, "What if I'd pushed for more information from somewhere..".

My one consolation is that Ginger was not in pain...she just was disabled for the last few months of her life. I'm not sure that extending her life - such as it was - would've been made her happier. Maybe it would have....maybe it wouldn't have.

But now I have Minnie - who hates me (and all others) with a passion and does her best to claw us all up out of fear.....and Minnie appears to have the very very beginning stages of EC.

She might hate me - but I won't give up on her....and we WILL fight this now that we know what it is like.

I want to hold GingerSpice so bad. I want to hear her say (in her rabbit way) that she forgives me for not doing the most for her....that I did what I could as I could. I wish I could understand why the vets didn't suspect EC when I talked to them and I just have so much confusion and anger right now.

Basically - I want my girl back.

Losing Pow Wow and some of the others I've lost - I know I did my best - I know I did the most I could.

But with GingerSpice - I failed her. I let her down. And I don't know if I can really forgive myself for that.

Peg

 

[JimD]

TinysMom wrote:

But with GingerSpice - I failed her. I let her down

no

 

[Bassetluv]

(((Peg)))

You know, and I know, that the *what ifs* will eventually tear you apart. Not long after I had Raph euthanized, someone posted in the disabled bunny forum, something about what they'd been doing with their disabled rabbit, and they claimed it made a world of difference in the quality of the rabbit's life. And of course after reading this, I began filling my thoughts with *what ifs*...what if I'd explored further options with Raph? What if I'd managed to find a vet who knew much more about rabbits than my own did? What if I'd researched more, dug further, kept pushing for better answers....perhaps Raph could have had a better quality of life, perhaps even improved somewhat. And perhaps the pain he'd been experiencing in his shoulders - muscle spasms - could have been controlled. And of course, I began to wonder if I'd quit on him far too soon. In short, I began thinking as you...that I'd failed him somehow.

But I will tell you what I believe. Everything...everything...happens for a reason, and everything happens just as it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. Your Gingerspice knew more love in her life than thousands of other rabbits out there. She knew more love than many humans will know in their entire lifetimes. Thedetermination of how good one's life is - be you human, rabbit, or any other sentient being - isnot measured in years, or months, or weeks...it is measured in how well we have loved while we are here. And for Ginger, her cup ran over with it. You gave her that. And I can guarantee you that she would not want you to be suffering, missing her in pain, beating yourself up over *what ifs*. She came here to be with you, and she left when she knew it was time. You provided exactly what she needed, and you were there when she left...you gave her an exquisite gift of being there for her, and of allowing her to leave peacefully. And now, I suspect that she is guiding you to be there for others. You might not feel quite the same *heart pull* to others that you have with Ginger, but I bet if you look closely into their eyes, you will see a glimmer of something special...you will know that she has guided them to you. Just knowing that Ginger was part of your life should tell you something...for she is as much a part of your soul as you are...she was an extremely special, wonderful spirit, and so are you. And she wants you to see that, feel it, and embrace it...don't ever doubt yourself with *what ifs*...instead, acknowledge just how much love you have to share, and know that your love is intertwined with Ginger's...and what a gift that will be to others who will be coming your way.

Bless you both,

~Di - and Raph

 

[TinysMom]

Jim & Di,

Thank you for your comments. They make sense and they sort of help - but to be honest with you - I STILL find myself with a bad case of the "what ifs". I can't help it - I do try to think about other things. But in my heart, I still believe that I let GingerSpice down.

There is a part of me that keeps saying, "You say God is sovereign and you believe He can do anything.....so by questioning this you're basically saying that He wasn't powerful enough to stop her death or He didn't know what He was doing..."....and of course that bothers me.

I think I'm just still struggling over realizing what she did have....and now having another rabbit that has it (ec).

Its funny - I've lost other rabbits in the last couple of years (since I started breeding)....and there have been some where it was a relief to see them pass since I knew they were so ill. Even with Pow Wow....there is a sense of "I did everything" and while I miss her like crazy....I can handle it.

But in Ginger's case....I don't think I'll ever really "accept" her death. Move on....yes. Love others....yes.

But when she died - its almost like she took a piece of me that I just can't get back....

I think one thing that hurts the most is to know that EC usually comes on due to stress, etc. and that she started showing the signs of EC after I bred her and when she was about to wean her babies.

Did I ever mention I still have one of her sons here? He has bad teeth and needs them trimmed a lot....maybe I'll post a picture of him soon. We've started calling him "Ginson" for Ginger's son....

Anyway - I do appreciate the comments. I really try to not post on her much - but sometimes the ache just gets so bad. Its like if I can let it spew over and post....it helps to lessen the pain a bit.

And Di - I so often think of Raph and how hard it was for you. I don't know how many times I've gone to your posts about him and reread them. I loved him from the very first time you posted about him....I miss him so much.

I wonder if he and Ginger binky together sometimes - know what I mean? If she goes..."oh...you're that big eared bunny mama always talked about...".

Peg

 

[ellissian]

Peg, please don't keep tearing yourself apart with the 'what ifs'. It will not do you any good, and most importantly it cannot bring Ginger back

I know we all go through the same stage, I will not allow myself to keep going round everything over and over again. Don't get me wrong the thoughts pop in my head every single day but I block them out so I don't keep on hurting myself anymore than I already do. I know its hard......

Ginger was your heart bunny as Milly was mine, he stole a piece of my heart when he left me too. And personally I think it helps to post about how we are feeling, it kind of helpsto work things out. You still have a part of Ginger that lives on in her son, I have nothing left of Milly. I may get a sibling if his mother has more litters, but it wouldnt really be part of him. I don't think I'm making much sense, I hope you understand what I mean.

Take Care.....ink iris:

 

[PixieMillyMommy]

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[TinysMom]

I have tears in my eyes - but I'm not weeping. I'm smiling through my tears.

I was reading an old old thread from shortly after I got you baby....and I read the following story.

I remembered how Tiny got the name "The BunFather" because he would break up potential fights. I remembered how you would run behind him for protection and he would defend you.

However...I didn't remember how you LEARNED to do that...how you got disciplined by Tiny before you learned to run behind him.

Here is the story babygirl...

I want to share a flemish story for those whomay be considering getting a flemish at some point in time (because I know this thread will get bumped for them).

I currently have a Flemish, 2 Netherland Dwarfs, 2 lionheads and a very young Holland Lop. I know that sometimes people may wonder about having a flemish with smaller rabbits.

A few weeks ago, one of the dwarfs was irritating the cat - and she was hissing and growling at the bunny because he'd cornered her.I went to break it up - but before I could get there - Tiny was between the dwarf and the cat...he wouldn't let her near the dwarf and when the dwarf would try to get around him for the cat...he'd put his head on the dwarf and stop him. I really think he was trying to protect the rabbit who was being too idiotic for his own good. (This cat is usually fine - but if she gets cornered..she gets scared).

Today, the female lionhead was upset at the lop because she remembered something he did last night to her (or so I think). She was chasing him when Tiny came over to her and put his head on hers and made her submit and leave the lop alone. She got away from him after a bit and tried to chase the lop again...and once again, Tiny stepped in. I was amazed because twice I watched him stop her....the second time I even told my family!

Oh Ginger - I had forgotten that. You learned to run BEHIND Tiny because he showed you how to behave and you knew he would defend you too.

I miss you so much. I miss holding you and talking to you. But I have memories like this and they help me smile - through the tears.

I love you baby. Binky w/ Puck and BEHAVE YOURSELF till Tiny can get there to make y'all behave...ok?

Mama

 

[jupiterannette]

Your story was very touching. im in tears. forgive me for being late.

I know how you felt. last october, my Ginger a blue flemmie past away, with no warning.
all day at work i had this awefull stomach ache, i was turned over in pain... my boss sent me home.

when i got home my friend who was staying with me at the time, had just gotten home moments before and noticed my girl not moving. she met me at the door and told me. I couldnt believe it, i ran and held her crying, i panicked imediatly tried to revive her with bunny CPR.... (it doesnt work) she was gone, and she had to go alone, and that was the most horrible thing in the world for me. My stomach stoped hurting. she had a blockage. she was trying to tell me. she was my baby. at took me a year to get another flemmie, and even cami, who is her own individual, will never be ginger. but the cuddling helps.

im glad you were able to hold her while she passed. so she wasnt alone, or scared.

i think of my ginger everyday, so belive me when i say.. It hurts.

even now a year later... it hurts.
but smiling on there memory and the good times, is always the best comfort.

im sorry for your pain.
im happy for your love.

 

[TinysMom]

Ginger baby - you have no idea how much I wish you were here right now. I miss you so much.

I'm getting ready for NaNoWriMo again....only this time there is no bunny in a basket to sit on my desk and encourage me. Its just me....and I miss you so much.

You're going to be in book #2 - just like I promised you that you would be. You'd smile up at me and wink while I'd be writing and tell you what I had written....as if you knew that I would go ahead and write book two and you'd be remembered.

But I came to a realization this morning as I was thinking about the book...I can't have you die in it. I don't think I can take your death a second time. It was going to be your death that put Abby over the edge...that made her realize that she needed to go into wildlife rescue (between your death and then trying to rescue cottontails that someone brought her).

But I just can't do it....I can't have you die. You'll be sick in the book and Abby will take care of you....but you're going to live - at least until book #3.

Others will pass away in the book - but I think it is going to be your LIFE that inspires Abby...not your death. It is your life that will give her hope and courage to go on....just as the memory of your short life gives me the courage to go on with my writing.

You'd be proud of me though - SugarBear will be in this buck and Puck is gonna be in this book. Why - Drew will probably even be in this book...and Stan will talk about how she loves to "sneakses". I'm thinking that maybe Stan will fall in love with her spunkiness and want to adopt her...or maybe Craig will adopt her since he knows Abby loves her...I don't know yet.

I'm still working on the details baby...but I want you to know that the memory of our time together last year for NaNoWriMo is inspiring me to go on and continue reaching for my dream....

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

Mama did it baby. You're in book two - in chapter three. I introduce you as Abby's special bunny...and you're staying with Kate right now. Your story will get told...I promise.

I just wish you'd held out until I could write this book..that was SUPPOSED to be our deal.

Oh well...mama loves you anyway and when I go to write about you in the book - I'll be looking at your photos and smiling.

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

Some may say I'm crazy....but baby girl - I could swear you came to me in a dream last night.

Yesterday was an awful, horrible, very bad day. I was alone when I went to bed 'cause dad & Robin went up to help Eric with the car and stuff....and I read for a little bit and then I fell asleep.

In my dream, you were laying in the crook of my arms, napping with me. You chattered away to me again...about how everything would be ok...and you had that sweet sing-song voice of yours. I remember telling you how much I missed you...and Pow Wow and Puck and SugarBear and Drew and as I'd start to say a name, you'd comeplete it and say, "I know mommy...". It seemed like everything I said - you were ready to finish it and tell me you knew.

I was crying and told you I was so tired and you told me to rest.....and I laid my head down.

When I woke up, my arms were in the same position as when I used to wrap them around you when we napped together...and my skin felt warm....as if someone had been there.

Were you with mommy? All I know is I cried for a bit and said, "I miss you GingerSpice....I miss you so much" and I felt like in the back of my mind I heard you say...

..."I know mommy. I know."

Aw baby....what I would give to have you back with me again. I thought it would get easier ...that I wouldn't grieve so bad...and I've gotten to the point where not all my days are bad.

But I miss you so much. Binky free baby....binky free. And know mama loves you.

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Oh Peg. Your stories are so touching and so very sweet. My thoughts are with you.

I hope I get a dream too.:hug:

 

[The BUNFATHER]

GingerSpice,

Mom said it was ok for me to come into her thread for you and post. So I thought I'd go ahead and write to you today.

I miss you Ginger....I miss you lots. I've gone through a depression this year and mom was worried about me for a bit.

I'm doing better though. I was really lonely and mom was worried about me and she convinced Miss Bea to move in with me. I'm living in Eric's old bedroom (mom calls it the "office" now). Mom thought about having me move into her bedroom - but that made me so sad because we used to live there together. It seemed like everyplace I looked - I had memories of you and I'd look up at mom with sad eyes and make her miss you too.

So I moved into this room and mom moved her computer into this room and just a bit ago, Miss Bea moved in with me.

I hope you won't be upset - but it was so nice to have someone to groom me again and someone to snuggle with me. I asked Miss Bea to marry me.

I know - you and I were going to be together forever and we made promises to each other. I tried to live without a bondmate after you left...but it just got too lonely.

Miss Bea and I talk about you often. I know you two were best friends and you even agreed to share me at one point because Miss Bea was still a breeder bunny but liked to snuggle sometimes. We talk about the times how the three of us would snuggle together and then break up before mom could get the camera to take pictures of us. Only now....we wish we'd let her get one picture of the three of us together.

Bea hasn't said "yes" yet - but she hasn't said "no" either. She is thinking about it and taking her time to decide. I think she's concerned about a couple of things...like our age difference (she's over 3 and I'll be 2 next month) and I think she knows that you were my first love - and at one time I felt you were my only true love. I think she wants to know I really love her for her beautiful self and not just because I'm lonely.

Last night as we cuddled together, Miss Bea and I talked about you a lot. We overslept and mom kinda walked in on us. When we got back together again - Miss Bea was telling me how she'd dreamed we got married and you were there to binky at our wedding. Funny thing is......mom had told me that she had a dream we were having a celebration and she felt you there - and binkying too. I like it when you come to mom in her dreams 'cause then she snuggles with me and tells them to me.

Well, I better close this - I need to nudge mom and give her a reminder that Bea and I would like some carrots and cilantro this morning for a special breakfast. But I love you GingerSpice. For a while after you left - my heart was broken and I moped all the time. But I'm getting better....and somehow, I think you'd be pleased to know that Miss Bea and I might become married (aka "bondmates" as humans call it). It only seems right since we're such close friends and we both loved you so much.

I'll come in here and post on my wedding day and share it with you. It should've been you & me....if only I'd known how to be faithful. But you'll always be in my heart and in Bea's heart and you'll always be a part of both of us.

Till I write to you again....:missyou

The BunFather

 

[TinysMom]

Oh Ginger...I've missed you so much lately. I keep thinking....how much I would give to have you back just for one more feeding...one more hug...even getting peed on one more time.

New Hope isn't doing well...you didn't really know him but his condition reminds me of yours in the fact that no matter what we do - he isn't getting better. Last night Robin and I made him your "smash" as I used to call it...the pellets mixed with other stuff to make them softer. I sat here feeding him today much like I used to feed you...and I cried and cried and cried. It made me all the more lonesome for you. You used to take up at least 2 hours of my day just feeding you and caring for you....and I would give anything to have even 5 minutes of that back to spend time with you.

Anyway - as I sat there holding him tonight and crying...I made up a little song...about you sort of. It's VERY loosely based on the song "Lean on me when you're not strong"...but its based on what I know my girl would've done if you'd been in my arms instead of New Hope.

"Pee on me..
...when you're not strong.
And I'll be your mom
I'll help you carry on.

For ... it won't be long
Till you'll be gone
and then there won't be anyone
to pee on mom..."

It continues on with...

"You gotta pee on your mama...
when you get a chance.
We all know that mama
Needs to be peed on.

You gotta pee on your mama
Make it look like a dance
Cause we love to see mama
Get peed on.."

Oh sweetie - I miss you. I cry even as I laugh when I think of you - but at least I can laugh now.

I had a dream the other night - it was before Bun Bun left us. I was out in a field and I felt a nudge behind me - and there you were with Drew. The two of you girls looked at me and I swear you were laughing. I reached down to pet Drew (you got out of my way) and the next thing I knew - I was sitting on the ground and you were in my lap....long enough to pee on me one more time. Then you two girls took off hopping and I saw Drew dash under a bush and you acted like you were looking for her.

I so wanted to go with you....yes....life is getting "better" than it was when you first left. But daddy doesn't understand my grief at times and he doesn't understand why he'll walk into the office and find me in tears or tearing up. Its usually because I'm looking at your pictures.

Anyway baby girl - I miss you. I love you dearly and I think of you often.

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

Oh babydoll...I made it through Christmas without you. I thought of you so much.

Somehow, I feel like you came and talked to New Hope darlin. He's taken a MAJOR turn for the better. I didn't think he'd make it till Christmas - but since Christmas, I can tell he's starting to gain weight and he's starting to sit up again. He was in your basket today in my bedroom and he kept trying to get out of the basket.

Did you tell him mama needed him a bit longer? I don't really know - all I know is that now he has the will to live....and I'm so happy about that. He's eating like a little piggie.....I can't believe how much he eats. He even is starting to sit up on his own more and he's really looking like he's getting healthier.

If you talked to him - thank you baby. He started changing the day after I posted to you....I'd been afraid he was going to give up...instead - he started fighting for his life and we're fighting with him.

I miss you baby girl. Sometimes you still come to me in my dreams....and sometimes - when things are just right - it is almost like I can feel you near me....like I sense that you are just sort of checking in on me and making sure I'm ok.

I'm going to be ok baby. I will. And someday....we'll see each other again.

Happy New Years baby....do a few binkies for me too....ok?

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

Today was a really hard day for me. I dreamt about you early this morning - right before I woke up. You were in my arms chattering away to me about how you hated your butt baths and how much you loved your baby food and how funny it was that Dusty had peed on me and New Hope had peed on me recently - and wasn't I proud of them for following in your footsteps?

Then I awoke - and instead of having you cradled in my arms....daddy's pillow was there...empty.

I cried - no - I wept (silently so dad wouldn't think I was crazy).

I don't know - sometimes I want you to visit me in my dreams so badly - but then when you do - the ache starts all over again and my arms feel so empty. Oh baby....I want you back so badly.

And you stinker - I swear you taught those boys to pee on me...they never did that before - now New Hope pees on me and smiles - and Dusty peed on me and then looked at me like, "I wasn't supposed to do that???".

Twerp.

Be good baby....and continue coming to me in my dreams even if it means I wind up weeping when I wake up. At least I feel your presence for a short while....

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

A year ago right about now - I was crying my eyes out and taking a nice warm towel out of the dryer for our last nap together. I gave you something to drink - and laid down with you in my arms. I knew it would be our last nap together - I knew you would be leaving me. I remember crying and thinking that I couldn't do it....I couldn't let you go. I couldn't lose you. At times this year, I honestly thought I couldn't go on....you were so much a part of my life.

I was thinking the other day - I think I spent a minimum of 3 hours per day feeding you, giving you butt baths, brushing you, and just plain old holding you. You spent about 8 hours per day in your basket on my bed with me or on my desk. Other than using the restroom - you were my first thought every morning and my last thought every night. In the afternoons, we'd take a nice nap together and you'd doze snuggled up in my arms.

And then you left me. I know you didn't leave me because your spirit wore out. I know you didn't leave me because you wanted to leave me. You left me because your body simply could not go on any longer....and even though you tried to hold on for me - and indeed - you managed to hold on until I gave you permission to leave....I don't know that you wanted to leave me. I think you knew how much I needed you - how much you made me smile - in spite of my tears at your condition.

I'm sure my family and people on this forum would say I'm crazy - what they hay - sometimes I think I'm crazy - when I think about all the times this year when I'd take a nap and dream of you - and wake up to find myself holding a pillow in my arms - the exact way I would cuddle with you. How many times have I woken up and my arm felt warm...almost as if you WERE there with me....just like before?

I started out by telling myself I could make it through a day....then another day...then a week. Eventually I congratulated myself that I made it a month without you. Then six weeks. A couple of times I wanted to join you - I missed you so badly and I felt so guilty for how ill you were.

But I made it through the first year. I'm still sane....although at times some might question it. Yes, I went through a bad time. Yes - I went through one of my worst depressions and became almost non-functional for three months. But I pulled through it....and I'm here.

I still look at your pictures - I still laugh at many memories - and cry at others. I'm trying to let go of the hurt - to let go of the pain of the grieving and move on with my life. I've healed somewhat - I just have a lot further to go.

Anyway baby - happy anniversary of your "birth" into another life - that of being at Rainbow Bridge. You've gone on before me....and now you have some of your favorite playmates....Puck and SugarBear....Pow Wow ... and so many others. I bet you guys just have a blast now playing together...sometimes I picture you all hopping across the lawn like you all did when we moved here and y'all were still young. You were so full of life.

I love you baby girl. I don't know if I can ever truly let go of you ~ somehow ~ our souls just connected in such a way...you knew my secrets that I couldn't tell anyone else.

I miss you....I want to find some good words to close this with....but I can't think of any. So I'll close with the lesson you left in my life...

"Of course you were self-aware you silly....you were a bunny! I should've known it all along...but I know it now.."

Binky free my dollbaby. Binky free.

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

Baby girl.....I know its been months since I've posted here - but you've been in my heart and on my mind so many times. When BunFather left - one of my thoughts was, "He's with his Ginger girl again..".

Last night you came to me in a dream. I swear you knew I was struggling with things and Tiny told you to come send me a message. In the dream you and New Hope were playing and chasing each other and binkying. Suddenly - you were aware of my presence and you turned and looked at me and in that sing-songy voice went, "Look mommy...we're healed! We can BINKY now."

Then you nipped New Hope on the butt - said, "Show mom how you can binky" and the two of you binkied...together...in harmony. It was beautiful. Then the dream was over.

Zin posted this today here on the bridge and it so describes my relationship with you, Tiny & New Hope....I have to post it.

[line] So this is where we part, My Friend,

And you'll run on around the bend, Gone from sight but not from mind,

New pleasures there you'll surely find.

I will go on, I'll find the strength,

Life measures quality, not its length.

One long embrace before you leave,

Share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,

But they be they and they aren't you.

And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought

Will remember well all you've taught.

Your place I'll hold, you will be missed,

The fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.

And as you go to your final rest,

Take with you this -- I loved you best.

[line]
Continue to binky free baby - I'll see you again someday.

Mama

 

[TinysMom]

I feel so stupid bumping a thread that is over a year old....when others have lost so recently.

But I'm hurting so bad right now - I just miss you so much. My arms feel so empty - I have so much time on my hands.

For the first time in a long while I don't have a really "handicapped" bunny to take care of - someone who needs me for at least an hour a day.

It feels so strange...so empty.

Sure - I have all these bunnies surrounding me - but none of them NEED me - not like you did - or New Hope did or Puck - or so many others.

Its lonely. If I sit to watch a movie or tv show - I'm all alone. I have no one to sit with me and watch it....

I get up in the morning and there is no one who needs extra attention...extra love.

I know you're not in pain anymore and I know you're no longer suffering. But right now I'm in pain - I'm suffering at the memory of my first heart bunny that I lost.

You took a piece of me with you that I'll never get back till we meet again.

I guess I just needed to tell you that - to acknowledge it. I needed to sit here and reread the thread - and cry once more.

Binky free my girl....binky free.

And know that I love you (and loved you) more than I can ever express.

Oh - and give Tiny a snuggle for me - I sense the next chapter in his story coming along.

 

[Striker]

:rip:. It's sad when a loved one is gone, but always remember it's ok to cry.