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A rabbit walked into a butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No."

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "NO! And if you ask me that one more time I'll nail you to the wall by your ears!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any nails?"

The butcher said, "No."

The rabbit said, "Got any cabbage?"
 

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while bothmale and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer eachyear, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginningof winter, usually late November to mid-December. Femalereindeer retain their antlers till after they give birthin the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depictingSanta's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolphto Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Onlywomen would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvetsuit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


 
PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>
>Dear Dogs and Cats (and RABBITS), The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
>your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
>placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
>claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
>pleasing in the slightest.
>
>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
>me
>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
>faster than you can run.
>
>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
>this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
>comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
>is
>not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
>fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
>having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
>sarcasm.
>
>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
>some
>miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
>I
>entered. Also, I have e been using the bathroom for years --canine or
>feline
>attendance is not required.
>
>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt (or eat your cecals). I
>cannot stress this enough!
>
>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
>front door:
>
>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>
>1. They live here. You don't.
>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
>That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
>short, hairy, walks (hops) on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>
>Remember: Dogs and cats (AND RABBITS!) are better than kids because they:
>
>1. Eat less
>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>3 Are easier to train
>4. Normally come when called
>5. Never ask to drive the car
>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>7. Don't smoke or drink
>8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
>9. Don't want to wear your clothes
>10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
 
:laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao::laugh:

Laura, that's HILARIOUS!!! That's one of the best ones I've ever read!

Thanks for the laugh! (And thanks SO MUCH for reviving thisthread, I never saw that rudecarrot pic from Linz above yourpost before, either!)

rudecarrot.jpg


sas
 
Parental Excuses....





1.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

5.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

6.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

7.
Chris will not be in skhool cus he has an acre in his side.

8.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

9.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

10.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

11.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

12.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

13.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot toget the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, wethought it was Sunday.

14.
Sally won't be in school on Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

15.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

16.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
 
"Dear God" From The Dog...........





Dear God, Let me give you a list of some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1.
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3.
I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

4.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5.
The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'

11.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

13.
I will not throw up in the car.

14.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

15.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

16.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
 
I killed myself laughing at this... can you imagine paying for this tour? LOL

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MorR04iLtMw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MorR04iLtMw[/ame]

_____________
Nadia
 
Okay, so this isn't a joke, it's just a funnystory (not sure if its true or not but I wouldn't doubt it). Parentaldiscretion advised due to language (censored, but still....), and Iapologize to the men (sorta).

Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. guy who purchased hislovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop thatsparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I waslooking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of thetaser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affecton your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twotriple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd getthe blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burnspot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, mycat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I wasreading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try thisthing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit Ithought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thoughtbetter of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give thisthing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burstwould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst wassupposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; athree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on theground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three secondswould be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (andloaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. Idecided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Itouched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION)*(&#(*)&*(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked meup in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples onfire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under mybody in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat wasstanding over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do itagain!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when youzap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodgedfrom your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A threesecond burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-^@*!#... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can'tbe sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bentreading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they upget there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significantreward for their safe return.

 
Haha thats really funny!

This is scary though, i actually by accident sometimes go to shakesomeone with my left hand as I am left handed! And it doesreally annoy people, they ask me if I have hurt my right hand orsomething!

I also honk and wave at strangers :Dhehe -


Hello everybody! :wave::peace
 
My favorite joke . . .


A student walks up to his Physics teacher and says "what's new?"

The teacher replies, "C over lambda."

Get it, because:

nu=C/Lambda . . .


:laugh:

-Amy
 
aeposten wrote:
My favorite joke . . .


A student walks up to his Physics teacher and says "what's new?"

The teacher replies, "C over lambda."

Get it, because:

nu=C/Lambda . . .


:laugh:

-Amy


Hmmm I dont get it :embarrassed:eh heeee
 
Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to showfor it. These last two weeks have been ****. Your boss called to tellme that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a newhair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair ofsilk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straightto sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you loveme anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you'recheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'mgone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't trying to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
_____
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whiningand gripping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got ahair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You lookjust like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if youcan't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you musthave gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steakseven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on becausethe price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidencethat my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ...and your silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work itout. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten milliondollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when Igot home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer saidwith the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed Rich and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
 

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