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'The weenie game

Three 5th graders, an Irish boy, Italian boy and a
redneck boy are in the playground at recess.

One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's
see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay" They all agree.

The Irish boy pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian boy.

He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be out done, the redneck boy whips his out.

It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the redneck
boy's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book...and during
recess, my friends and I played 'The weenie game'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our
weenies and I had the biggest! The other boys say it's
because I'm a Red neck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're
twenty-one.
 
For some time many of us have wondered just who is
> Jack Schitt?
>
> We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You
> don't know Jack
> Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you
> can now respond in
> an intellectual way.
>
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe
> Schitt, the
> fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
> Needeep N.
> Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
>
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
> religious couple
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
> Fulla Schitt, Bull
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married
> Dumb Schitt, a
> hi gh school dropout. After being married 15 years,
> Jack and Noe Schitt
> divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and
> because her kids
> were living with them, she wanted to keep her
> previous name. She was
> then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
>
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they
> produced a son
> with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken
> Schitt. Two of the
> other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
> were inseparable
> throughout childhood and subsequently married the
> Happens brothers in
> a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the
> newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The
> Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
>
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
> world. He recently
> returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
> Schitt.
>
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,'
> you can correct
> them.
>
>
> Sincerely,
> Crock O. Schitt
>
 
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here!
 
Anyone read this?
 
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'


'Yes. What can I do for you?'



'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.'



'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.



'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'



'Yeah!'



'Did they chop your firewood?'



'Yep!'



'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
 
The next time someone asks you a dumb questionwouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chowfor Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart, and was about tocheck out.

A woman behind me asked, "do youhave a dog?"

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'mretired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was startingthe Purina Dog Chow Diet again. Although I probablyshouldn't,because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,butthat I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in anintensive care ward with tubes coming out of most ofmy orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet andthat the way that it works is to load your pantspockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or twoevery time you feel hungry and that the food isnutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.


(I have to mention here that practically everyone inthe line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive carebecause the dog food poisoned me. I told her no;"Istepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass anda car hit both of us ."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heartattack, he was laughing so hard!
 
Today a teacher had a taste test with her students.


She picked a little boy to do the first test.


She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,


"Do you know what it is?"


"No, I don't," said the little boy.


"Okay, I'll give you a clue.


It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled:

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"
 
GETTING EVEN

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
 
The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to dinner; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out again; and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Wow! Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... idiots.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They'd better not say its only a 90-day warranty.

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh my, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

 
not to steal your thread but is it ok if i add one??

a daddy mole, a mommy mole and a kid mole lived in a hole. One morning daddy mole poked his head out of the hole and said "mmmmm I smell Waffles!" then Mommy mole pokes her head out and says "mmmmm I smell Bacon!" then kid mole goes "all i smell is molasses"

(if you don't get it, say the last part s l o w)
 
Hehe add all you want.
 
Code:
Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby:
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 61-year-old
woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged
from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for
awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we
see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May
we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the
baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait
until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."
 
Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address
and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel
I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win
the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and
will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the
one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's
on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the
electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden
name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my
house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang
of Neanderthals working there? Look at my **** picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND
to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated
to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too **** easy and maybe make
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on
the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile
in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally cheesed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances
which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the
Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have
been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -
you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
 
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12
November, wherein you will see the
Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has
paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
valued @ $1,029), which I
secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head
screw (see aforementioned article from
USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips
Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
 
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
!
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife ?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? !
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
 
timetowaste wrote:
Just to point out -- I heart this thread!!!

:biggrin2:

Tracy
I am glad you like it.
 

-----Original Message-----

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,"
said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy
got up,
sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape
called Sex
Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my
parents." The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with
Tommy.
After all, he is your SON!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
 
That was a good one Ali!

One day a little boy was at his Grandmother's funeral with his parents. He was very good and listened quietly as the preacher spoke: dust to dust, ashes to ashes, from dust we came and to dust we will return. When the boy got home he was very quiet and his father asked him what he was thinking about. "How did that speech go again?" he asked, his father repeated it for him and the little boy replied "I don't know whether they're going or coming, but there's someone under my bed!"
 

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