Sometime back when I was in my early 20s, I remember once saying to my sister that I didn't care whether our dad lived or died. I was very resentful toward him, holding a great deal of anger over the way I was raised (long story, he was quite abusive at times to myself and one of my brothers). My sister said to me, 'But Di...he won't be here forever, you know'. Still, I didn't care; the anger was just too great.
Then at some point as I got older I began to realize that holding anger toward someone else was pointless, and began searching for a way to let it go. And this was all it took...I recalled a story that our dad once told us of his own childhood. He only told it once, and never again spoke of his father after that, or of his childhood, as he too was living with anger and pain of the past. He was an only child, and when he was 4, his mother died. Several months later his father remarried and adopted a young boy. When the young boy came into the home (according to my dad) his father began doting on him, and my dad was pushed away. His new stepmother didn't care for him, and, because he was so young and had suffered so much in a very short time - the loss of his mother, his father pushing him away for another child - he began to act out. This enraged his father, who decided my dad was incorrigible, and took it upon himself to 'give him away'. He contacted relatives who lived hundreds of miles away and asked if they would take him in, and so at the tender age of 5, a sign was hung around my dad's neck with his name written on it; his father put him on a train and shipped him off to relatives my dad had never even met, where he stayed until he was old enough to head out into the world on his own.
In looking back at this and realizing just how painful - and damaging - this must have been to him, I was able to let go of the anger I held toward my father. Then as my sister and I grew older, oddly, the tables turned...it was me who began defending our dad to my sister. As he ages we try and visit him every year - we live three provinces away from him now - and every time my sister comes back from visiting she is angry, vowing to not return again. Our dad is 86 and a few years ago lost his partner - his common-law wife of 27 years - and has become lonely and frustrated over his loss. For a great many years, when he was with Marion, his spirits had lifted and he had become happy, loving his life and his friends. Then when she died, he slowly began slipping back into an angry state, and as he aged, his body began a spiraling decline. He was forced to give up the things he loved; his bowling team, curling team, even the walks he used to take on a daily basis. Last year he was diagnosed with bladder cancer, and it is being kept under control with surgery every few months, followed by a few sessions of low-dosage radiation. He recognizes that at some point (very soon) he will have to give up driving, and following that will be the sale of his home, as he becomes more dependent. He has become bitter and quite sad, and I'm actually surprised that it has been a slow transition, given what he has been through. So when he gets angry at my sister's children because they are being too loud, or he is vehemently disagreeing with her point of view over something, I understand. When he complains that we don't call him often enough, even though he never calls us (somethat that also niggles at my sister to no end) I simply vow to call him even more often. And if my dad becomes an intolerable, angry senior, I will always think back to that day when he opened up to us and related one small part of his childhood...a scared, heartbroken little boy who had lost his mother and had felt rejected by his father...who was sent away to a world which was totally foreign to him with nothing but a sandwich in a bag and a sign draped around his neck. Tears flow thinking of how he never deserved that...but he persevered and made it through life on his own, despite the weight that he has been carrying for all those years. Inside him is that little boy, and all of the dreams and wishes he never got to achieve.
I love the video that you shared here, as it is a reminder of just how easy it can be to forget about the person inside the elderly dependent...of the frustrations they must deal with from within, and how often they have lost their friends, families, and of the loneliness that goes along with it. Every 'crabby old man' has a story, and inside is a beautiful soul.
