That's it. I've gotta do it. I need to talk to other people who have been diagnosed and are being medicated for depression (or who have been in the past). Why? Because this bunnypoop is killing me. I'd talk to my friends about it, but non-sufferers cannot even begin to understand how this feels, and their "helpful" assertions that I should "look on the bright side" or "go take a walk and clear my head" are frustrating. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. It's as easy for me to "look on the bright side" as it would be for a naturally cheerful person to "only see the dark side." Here's my story: I've been suffering from depression for a decade now. My parents got divorced when I was 16, and I was ordered to start seeing a therapist for support and whatever other reasons they don't tell teenagers. I was just told I'd be going. That therapist, while unable to prescribe me anything, really felt that I was clinically depressed and needed to see a doctor who could prescribe me something to help balance me out. The divorce went through fine, and I was happy to get a break from my at the time overbearing mother, but the arguments between my parents really got to me. The cost of the therapist was often a topic, and I was told I wouldn't be seeing her anymore. High school ended, and I continued to work. Moved out on my own when I was 20 and have been independent since. Fast forward another couple of years, and I lost my full-time temp job (long-term temp, how's that for an oxymoron?) while simultaneously failing several college classes. I had just started seeing a therapist again, because I felt little to no motivation to do anything I was supposed to. All interest in being part of the living world had left me, but I also wasn't motivated to end it all. Such an uncomfortable conundrum. I ran out of appointments that could be covered by the employee help program thing through work, and didn't have spare money to keep seeing her, so I sought help from my primary care physician. This isn't the best route, but no one else I had seen was in a position to medicate me, but they both really thought I needed it. Doc put me on Zoloft, which didn't work. We switched to Lexapro and it started to help, but I stopped taking it after I suffered the aforementioned loss of employment and had to cut costs. Now it's almost two years later, and I've been employed part-time for 1.5 years and have crappy health benefits. I started taking Lexapro again with some help from my boyfriend, and had felt a slight improvement. I felt really bad about how much it cost, so I approached my PCP about a less expensive route. She has now switched me to Prozac (20mg) and I'm pretty sure it's not helping a whole lot...but who knows. I'm going to call her soon and tell her how miserable I am and let her decide. Why am I starting this thread? This is a really vulnerable position to put myself in, but the truth is, my need to talk to other people with this problem is bigger than my ego at this point. I feel like I'm dying. Actually, I feel like nothing. I got a speeding ticket last night and I'm not even upset, but I acknowledge that I should be at least a little mad, or pissed at myself for being stupid, or SOMETHING. I feel NOTHING. I barely eat anything when I'm home alone, because I just don't want to. I don't care about myself. I eat enough to keep moving and keep the headaches away, and drink plenty of water because that's easy to get, but when I run out of certain easy things to grab and eat without any preparation, I just...snack. It's really counter-productive, too, because I really really really need to gain weight. I'm not anorexic, I'm just lazy. Is Lazy an eating disorder? It is in my life. Generally, I do feel motivated to get up and make something to eat when my boyfriend gets home. It's not even to keep up appearances, or anything...it's because I finally feel like doing it. i can't even explain why, I just don't take care of myself when no one's looking. This is all just off-the-cuff, so I hope it's not totally weirding anyone out. I just need to reach out and make contact with people who KNOW what I'm going through, whether you still are, or you made it out alive. I really DON'T want anyone coming in here to spew sunshine all over it and say cheer up, if they've never been through it. I do totally appreciate support in my battle. Thanks in advance. I'll be back around later. It's time for me to suit up for work and snuggle with Monty before I go.