Should I confront my fiancé about lying/being a jerk?

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BunnyLove89

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I am engaged to the most amazing guy. I love him to pieces, flaws and all, and nothing will ever change that. When we first started dating, he started exaggerating when telling stories then it turned into stretching the truth, then out came totally absurd stories that I've called him out on a couple of times (like HE pulled over a cop and the cop was all "yes sir" and "no sir" to him...like I said, completely absurd) The past week I have found out 3 flat-out lies. The first one was he told me that the ring he proposed to me with was custom made by him and he had to go on a payment plan to afford it. I did research because I knew it wasn't true, and sure enough, the ring was $18. I don't care that I got an inexpensive ring, I really don't. I would rather him save money for our future then get me an expensive ring. What bothers me is the lie.
The other lies was the story behind the car accident he got into the other night. He told a different story to my mom, myself, and his mom. Of course girls talk and we all had different versions of the story. I caught him when he was in the middle of lying to me about it but I didn't say I knew that my mom got a different version. The lies and the false stories are to the point where I feel silly when I with him in public and he is doing this because everyone knows they are not true.
Onto the jerk part. The night of his car accident I had to take care of his dog. She is an outdoor dog and rather than have her tied out in the open where a coyote could get her, I thought I would tie her in the fenced in area that my goats are in. Well, she attacked the goats and when I was finally able to catch her I literally wanted to kill her. I felt horrible that something like that happened to my goats under my watch, but I thought I was doing something NICE for my fiancé and his dog. Well he blamed me and kept saying that it was stupid and was my fault, not his dog's. I know it was stupid. I didn't need him telling me that and also telling my mom that behind my back (once again girls talk).
The part about him being a jerk is really out of character for him. He's only started being like this and snapping at me for the past month or so. Normally he is such a sweet guy and would do anything for me and he makes me feel so special.
I know he is stressed as he lives with his grandpa and his grandpa is a total pr*ck to him. He is also trying to find work. Then he got I to the wreck and smashed his truck. So it could be that or the fact that he is 20 years old and is immature.
Whatever it is, it is really starting to get to me. What I said in the beginning of the (horribly long, sorry) rant is still true and always will be. That I love him flaws and all. I just don't know how to manage them. Any advice???
 

BunnyLove89

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The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.
Other than the lying he is great. We both love animals, have the same interests, he and my parents get along GREAT, and he treats me like a princess. He is 20 and I am 24. Usually the things he lies about are done so in a way that if true, would make him look better. Like an expensive ring, saying the wreck wasn't his fault, etc. and it could be because I am 4 years older than him that he feels he needs to "make up" for the age gap by making himself look/sound older.
Just a though I had...
 

Zaiya

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I'm only 14 (almost 15), and haven't had a boyfriend yet, but I'll try to help.

He should know that partners should always be able to trust and depend on each other 100%. And in this situation, that's not true. You should also find out why he's being a jerk. Maybe ask him and see if there is something going on that's making him that way.

Oh, and also maybe could he be lying to try to impress you?

Is lying just a habit for him? Maybe he could try different things to break that habit: 1. Have a rubber band around his wrist, and whenever he lies, he snaps it really hard against his wrist. Or 2. Whenever he lies he can bite his tongue really hard. These (and other methods) will psychologically help his lying problem, as his brain will realize that whenever he lies, there is a negative consequence.

Hope I helped! And I hope that you guys will live happily ever after!
 

Kipcha

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Well, the lying thing would be annoying, but some of them look like the stem from insecurities. Like the ring thing. Perhaps he feels bad that he couldn't afford something better and wants to make up for it. Is he actually expecting you to believe it, or just making up stories to make you smile? I do things like that, make up totally absurd stories. I never expect someone to believe it, but it does tend to make people happy.

As to the goat thing... It's awfully hard to tell because you never put in your approach. If you came out and said your dog attacked my goats, well, I'd be ticked and get defensive as well. We're only getting one side of the story and honestly, it's something I really think I am on his side with. You did something without knowing better and he probably feels bad about it and is afraid for the repercussion for his dog. Not to mention it was the same night as his accident. I'm not saying that you for sure said or did anything mean, just trying to see it from his side.

If he's under a lot of stress, just chill out and try to be encouraging for him. If he's having a rough time, he doesn't need another person against him. Talk to him, but don't 'confront' him. He sounds like a good guy. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't treat him like he's a "jerk".
 

ZoeStevens

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The lying is odd, and it sounds pathological or VERY habitual. I am not sure what the best way is to deal with it, but in your shoes I would do some research on pathological lying and see what you find. I have heard that children who were beaten or verbally abused can develop this habit as adults - they are so used to lying to try to get out of the abuse, that they can't always drop this habit as an adult. Stuff You Should Know did an excellent podcast on this. I can't remember what it was called, but I am sure you can find it.

The dog thing - well, honestly, my first thought it: why would you put a dog that you don't know very well with prey animals? For your boyfriend to get upset at you isn't fair, though. But as someone else said, he was probably defensive about it.

Anyway, back to the lying. Before you actually get married, you need to be sure about this because the lying may not change. Is it something you are willing to live with for the rest of your life?
 

fsshaer

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Wow, that is quite the pickle... I've been in a similar situation. But, it sounds to me like he might have a bit of what is called being a 'compulsive liar'. You can Google into it if you haven't heard the term before, because it's a little confusing and I don't want to give the wrong exact definition. They don't intend to lie or hurt anyone with the lies given--it just happens, and can take a long time to break the habit. As for snapping at you about your goats and his dog--he shouldn't have done that. It was not the dogs fault, as he was most likely not trained to be around goats. But he really should have thought to tell you some characteristics about his dog and mention to not mix him with the goats to be honest. It sounds like more of his fault than your own since he trusted you with his dog and didn't give you any guidelines for him.

Best of luck to the both of you, I'm sure you'll do great together. :hearts:
 

BunnyLove89

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With the dog thing, I have known Sammy (the dog) for months. Whenever my fiancé is over she roams the property. I know her. Troy had said before "oh, she's fine with any animal, she'll be fine with the goats". I based my decision on information from Troy and also my own personal experience with her. I probably shouldn't have included the bit about the dog and goats in my thread, I was in rant mode and it really bothered me that I got snapped at and told that what I did was stupid, since I was just trying to do something nice for her and Troy.
 
S

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You should absolutely confront him about his lies. And you should also make it clear that you won't tolerate it anymore. To give him some benefit of the doubt, he is young and the male brain, specifically the area of reasoning, isn't fully developed until the age of 25. However, that does not mean his behaviour is acceptable, far from it in my opinion. Here's my issue with this; if he's lying about these smaller things, what else might he lie about? A bit of exaggerating is fine but it sounds like he may have a problem. There is therapy for this but it's going to involve him accepting he has a problem, agreeing to therapy and probably a decent amount of money. It's not impossible for him to stop lying on his own, people can change themselves completely without any sort of professional intervention. If he doesn't stop lying, it should be a deal breaker for you. You are young and have your whole life in front of you, live it with happiness and fulfillment:)

Best wishes
 

fsshaer

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You shouldn't feel bad about ranting. :) Emotions are normal and everyone gets a bit more than they can handle at times!
 

whiskylollipop

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Everyone's given really good insight, I just want to add that biologically, the brain is not fully developed (by this I mean having full adult rationing capabilities) until around age 24, so yes, a 20 year old is likely immature. This might mean he could grow out of his compulsive lying habits in a few years, or might mean he could change into a different person (which you may not love). If you two are engaged, it would be in your interest to wait a few years before actually deciding if you want to marry this man. An important gauge would be how much mutual trust you can cultivate with him in the next few years. If he doesn't stop lying, it's either a serious pathological problem which he needs professional help for, or he just doesn't respect you.
 

whitelop

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I lived next to a guy who lied like that all the time. I don't know why. It was like stupid things. While we lived there, he changed jobs like 3 times because he didn't know what to do. So he went from being a tow truck driver, to working at petco, to being a cable guy, back to being a tow truck driver. Then him and his girlfriend lied and said they were breaking up, but really they had to break their lease because they couldn't afford that months rent on their apartment.
It got really old after a while though, the lying. Like, he gave us the password to their wireless for the first week we moved in before we got our own internet. He didn't tell his girlfriend and I thanked her one day for letting us bum internet and she had no idea. I knew from then, that it was going to be ridiculous. Like lying about eating the giant steaks at restaurants that you get for free if you finish and a t-shirt, but naming a nice steak house that wouldn't do that kind of thing.
He was also like 27. So I think it was a mental thing and how an adult could live like that, is WAY beyond me.

Anyway, I would just make **** sure that you can handle the things like that before making any choice that doesn't allow you out of it other than by legal paperwork. Or before putting money into a wedding, make sure that you really do want to be with him; telling fibs or not. Just don't put any deposits down on anything yet, because you don't get that back!

It will be okay though. He's young and he'll hopefully grow out of it. But if it gets worse or changes and he gets mean or anything, please leave. Seriously. He's basically a child right now, so thats part of it.
 

blwinteler

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Definitely confront him and don't marry him unless you are willing to put up with this forever.
Yes, I'm jaded. My husband and I just separated and a lot of it is because of resentment of each other for a variety of behaviors, like him being a jerk and me being bipolar. We both knew these things about each other, but still got married because we do love each other immensely. It is not enough. You have to take care of your well-being, and committing to someone who is going to lie and treat you badly is just not a good idea. I suggest you seek couple's counseling to see if you can work through these issues before you make that lifelong commitment.
 

BunnyLove89

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Things are getting better. I have been talking to his mom about it and she's been helping me address the lies. She said that the lying started when he was little. He never did it to hurt anyone, apparently his dad had an anger problem and so Troy would lie to not get in as much trouble. So there's that and she said he has self-esteem issues and never feels good enough so he lies to make himself look better and to be liked better.
I have been encouraging Troy and I've noticed less lying.
So I think we're on the right path.
 

whitelop

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Encouraging him is a good thing. Support, even from afar is a great thing for anyone. Everyone likes to hear that they're doing something well, or they're looking good or they made the best pancakes ever. Especially men. I really think that they like to hear that they're doing things well.
I always support my husband in whatever he wants to do. He's an athletic, so I let him play his sport, I go with him, tell him he makes good shots. I like to be the cheerleader for him. He tells me I'm the good luck charm! haha.
At home, I make sure he has everything he needs, clean underwear, a new toothbrush every 3 months, and the toilet is clean. Little things that he doesn't really worry with, I make sure they're done and he is the better for it.

So next time he looks especially handsome, make sure you tell him. My husband looks good in blue and he wears this one blue shirt and looks SO handsome, so every time he wears it, I always tell him he looks good.
Or next time he makes you something nice to eat or whatever, tell him now great it was. My husband does make the best pancakes, they put Ihops to shame! So every time he makes them, its like a freaking holiday and I rave about them.

Maybe he'll feel better about himself and you won't have anymore silly lies.
 

Nancy McClelland

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My advice would to skip the confrontation entirely. People are who they are and won't change to any appreciable degree. We've been together for 4 decades now and I know I'm a pain in the posterior in too many ways to list. My spouse puts up with me and I put up with her ways too. I talk to her and she doesn't listen and then comes back later with "you never said that"--she used to get mad at me and the kids when they'd pipe in and tell her that I "did too". You'll either need to accept that person as they are or move on, and there is no such thing as "perfection" in this life.
 

DogCatMom

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... I have been talking to his mom about it and she's been helping me address the lies. She said that the lying started when he was little. He never did it to hurt anyone, apparently his dad had an anger problem and so Troy would lie to not get in as much trouble. So there's that and she said he has self-esteem issues and never feels good enough so he lies to make himself look better and to be liked better.
I have been encouraging Troy and I've noticed less lying.
So I think we're on the right path.
I'm kind of hard-nosed about this sort of thing. "Talking to his mom"? Why not "talking to" him???

My DH lives in a fantasy world (yep: on-line fantasy games--WoW, and before that, others) and doesn't register very much of the real, physical world. When we first married, I told him that he was "stuck" with me; I didn't believe in divorce--for me. But his disconnect from reality, added to his completely made-up stories--the ones he implies by speaking with authority he does *not* possess about, oh, puppy-raising or any of a number of topics--repeated many times, has caused me to put it ON the table. I even attended an Al-Anon meeting online, the substance abuse (fantasy games) was/is so extreme.

Neither of these issues--the fantasy-game abuse or the story-telling/inflating of experience/expertise--was visible before we got married. And we knew each other for three and a half years prior; two and a half of those years we spent living in the same house with each other. He had one night a week "with the guys"; that was it. I've told him that, had I known about *either* the degree of his addiction to fantasy games or the lying/exaggeration, I would never have gone through with the ceremony.

You've already seen the flawed character your man has. From an early age, he hasn't been able to tell the truth. Only 20, he has--what? 15 years of experience or so--making up stories as they come out of his mouth, not bothering as to whether they're true or not. And his mother supports this behavior, making excuses for him.

Brain maturation may scientifically come later, but character is set quite early. Does someone have integrity? Is s/he compassionate? helpful? kind to animals? Uh-oh--that's another one. His dog was left tethered and *unprotected* where she could be attacked by coyotes???

I think there are some serious questions here for you to go off and think about. His blowing up at you is almost beside the point, sadly.

--He put his own dog at risk and wanted you to keep it that way. Sammy couldn't even have tried to run away if coyotes had come after her. (There are coyotes in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, and there are coyotes in Tilden Park in the East Bay--communities across the Bay from S.F. Coyotes will hunt a dog as a pack; they'll also lure a dog, pretending that they want to "play" with it and then have pack members jump out of hiding and kill the dog--there are police films available. A dog tethered to a stake = coyote dinner/midnight snack. :( )

--He lies repeatedly, not even bothering to try and keep his stories straight. What will you do when/if you're legally bound to him and he, oh, writes bad checks, telling you that he "thought" the deposited check they were written against was good, when he knew very well it wasn't? You'll be on the hook for that money according to the laws of most states, and he will have put you in that position knowingly as the result of a lie. No amount of clean underwear and other wifely support will help you then.

--Another potential consequence of repeated lying: conflicting information on applications for jobs, applications for a future child to enter any number of after-school programs, register for school...simply because he can't be bothered to tell the truth. These may rise to the level of legal fraud, depending on the agency to which the applications belong.

It just looks like more headaches than any reasonable woman would want. At least from here.

I hope he agrees to change--and does so--but in my experience working with young people from the ages of 12 to 18 (7th through 12th grade), the odds aren't good. :tears2:
 

PaGal

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I am with DogCatMom...I have experience dealing with someone I wish I did not have to that lies all of the time. The person always has and it is to the point that we do not believe a word that comes from that persons mouth. If the person would say the sky is blue we have to look up to check. All of the lies have created all sorts of problems over the years and I am sure will continue to do so. Your fiancé is not now lying to keep out of trouble with his dad. Maybe at the moment his lies are not hurting anyone but down the road it could lead to problems, maybe many. Do you want to have to live never being sure if what he says is the truth?

My husband said to tell you that his advice is "Run!!!"
 

blwinteler

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I also agree with dogcatmom and PaGal. Honestly, it sounds like you are starting to accept the excuses for the lies. That worries me. Down the line, there will be a lot of problems. Like I said before, if you intend to stay with him you need to seek couples therapy and he should also seek help for this issue. Insist on it. Do not let him or his mom make any more excuses for his behavior. If you do, it will not stop. It may not stop anyway. You need to decide if you can live with that forever. I wouldn't.
 

middlemuse

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What they said. Also the fact that you had to make this post at all, you know? You can't have a good marriage if you can't talk honestly and seriously about issues, and if there's something this big that you had to ask the Internet whether you should address... It's not a great sign.

Have you had any luck communicating on other issues? Have you ever asked him to address a different behavior and found him responsive? Sometimes my husband and I do things that hurt each other's feelings. We talk about it, and we both make an effort to understand and change whatever the hurtful behavior is. When you have those kinds of conversations, is he receptive? Does anything change? DO you have those conversations?

Have you ever had a roommate you couldn't talk to? Imagine how much worse it would be if you were married to them.


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BunnyLove89

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I'm kind of hard-nosed about this sort of thing. "Talking to his mom"? Why not "talking to" him???
I talked with her to get a better idea of where the lying might have come from and how she has addressed it. She gave me some good insight and ideas. She does not support the lying. She said that she is upfront with him and tells him right off the bag "I don't believe that". I wanted to talk to her so I could have the best approach, one that wouldn't immediately make him defensive. Instead of talking down to him and treating him like a child who will go into timeout for lying, or whipping out a mental list and saying "you lied about this and this and this and this" etc. I can tell him that I understand not feeling good enough, but he never has to lie to me to be "good enough". Just being yourself and being honest is more than good enough.

That's why I talked to his mom.
 
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