Out of control Teens

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juliew19673

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My Nephew Ian, 17 was sent to "Survival Boot Camp" after causing much damage to home and neighbors. The A typical problems of too much leeway, too much $$, and not enough supervision. My Brother and his wife were so confused by his behaviour (they were not problematic as children) they weren't prepared for the outcome of giving a kid everything they desired.

My Brother and I were raised with rules and boundaries; not my Nephew;he was the first grandkid of our family and with alot more money than all of us had ever had. So they indulged him (we all did) and now are having to deal with the outcome.

Ian IS a good kid at heart, and now isin the right program (Catherine Freer Wildnerness Program - would recommend it if you are having similiar problems). Ian just spent 8 weeks snow camping in the Oregon Cascade mountain range during one of the worst winters o recordand made it through and is now in their Boarding School. He's not happy that he doesn't get to come home after his long ordeal but he needs long term help.

My question for all is now I can finally send a letter to him and what should be the "tone?". I'm so proud? I know how you feel? Been there? I never had kids as I was not about to raise a kid such as I was (also had similiar problems as he did just on a smaller scale,but wasalso sent away, to just family but it saved me from making really bad choices). So not sure why I'm so concerned about the letter other than I remember how confusing it can be at 17.

Hope (but then again, wish not) that some of you have dealt with this and have a suggestion/guidance.




 
i wouldnt give him attention, because honestly thats what he wants and generally why kids act out.

if it was me...i wouldnt write. maybe thats harsh, but i know how i was at 17...and if my daughter acts like that at 17..or 13 when i started getting really out of hand, then there will be more than grounding and sending away for someone else to deal with the problem. just my opinion

my daughters 3...so the only advice i can give is that he needs to grow up on his own without being babied. if he wants to end up in jail...let the cops take him and his parents should NOT bail him out. time to grow up and deal with the consequences of his cations
 
I wouldn't write. And it would make me beyond angry if you tried the 'i'be been there' NO YOU HAVEN'T. Being sent to family is nothing like being sent to the mountains...

I don't think he had such a huge ordeal. People do that for a living. You don't have a clue that he has changed at all. This could have made him even more angry then anything else. When he comes home and after awhile has PROVED he has changed for the better then he will deserve some praise.



I don't mean for all of that to sound so harsh. I've a really hard time wording things.
 
Don't be an "enabler". We (me) threw our daughter out of the house after she turned 18 and graduated. I'm an adult, you can't tell me what to do. She was doing drugs and stealing and lying to me when she knew that I was perfectly aware of her lying. Had enough and life is too short. After six months of living in her car (that we gave her) Nancy let her back in and I told her she had two months to get clean and straight and that she was going into the military. My father-in-law gave her $5,000 for her birthday so she could get back on her feet. More like right back into drugs and the losers she was hanging out with before--til she ran out of money again. They need to grow up and realize that no one owes them a **** thing. Till they take responsibility for themselves there is nothing you can do. I personally would not write. If he wants mail, let him make the first move. It cost me more than 15K to clean up all her debts, tickets, etc. so my bank is still pretty empty when it comes to her "tall tales".
 
If you absolutely feel that you must write to him (and I mainly support the idea of not giving him any attention), how about simply asking him how he feels things are going and how they are affecting him in camp? Ask him what tools he has learned that would better help him explore his options when he is released? Askhim what he likes and dislikes about his camp, and how he could possibly make things better.Saying things like, "I've been there, done that" or "I'm so proud of you" or "You better be behaving over there"will only make him feel more angry and isolated from his family (and family is the most important thing in life).What he really needs, is for someone to expressinterest in who he is and push him into the right direction by encouraging his strong points and allowing him to find those options on his own. I hope that made sense?
 
I really appreciate the responses from the board (knew I could get a good cross section opinion). Am also really surprised at the militant ideal?

We've all collectively taken a shine to an animal that is just destructive and can be pissy; yet a human teen is collectively agreed upon, to "leave alone" when they need instruction/help - would you take that same idea with an animal?

The boot camp my Nephew went to is not some easy "sit in the corner place" he was snow camping and having to survive during 3 blizzards as well as to have to be responsibile to the group for why he was there? Intensepyschotherapy was to be had.

I as an adult would have a hard time making it through his first 10 week initial course. I'm not trying to excusehis behaviour, just know from personal experience, Parents at times, do not raise you with all of the tools you need... Some blame must be had as a family.

That being said, I think your collectively right, not say "I'm so proud" etc.. I started my letter and found that it was very cathartic to be honest and say "You lied to me, you took advantage of our family that loved you so..." havent finished it - only got throught the first paragraph.

You should, ifyour lucky, love your family and be loved and allowed mistakes, and that is where I am trying to reinforce in him, you can go wrong, we will kick you in the "Azz" but were here when you figure it out...

Thanks RO group, you really helped me.


 
My kids are 26 - great kids - my best friends and never gave me trouble. I never gave my parents lots of trouble either.

I say this to say - I haven't been there - so my advice might not be worth much.

BUT - I would drop him a short note...or a card and simply say "Thinking of you" and then leave the ball in his court and see what he does. If he wants to reach out to someone - he'll know you're there.

I wish I had better advice...
 
I am, and thanks; hewas a good kid - truly (buffer that statement with "he's getting intense psychotherapy" so hope the kid I knew at 10 comes back to us)..

I really think kids with too much $ can get addicted to the internet/facebook, myspaceand video games, something I never had to deal with growing up. too much STUFF intheir face bombardingthem when their going through basic adolescents. I didn't even have a TV or phone in my bedroom at his age, but he had laptops, video game systems and an Iphone? Iam 45 anddo not have an Iphone?! so giving a kid everything their heart wants does not make for a happy child.. My family has learned this lesson...

I think it does "Take a Village" at times with some kids, it did with me - so am willing to try harder; kids, pets, employees - sometimes "Individuals" need some "Hand Holding"..





 
If he's had everything techno, it might not occur to him to actually write! so perhaps a quick note would be ok; how are things, how's school going, etc. and ask him to write back. If he doesn't, at least he knows how to write if he ever does want contact, and if he does, then you can judge from his tone.

Speaking as a 'trouble teen', a letter going anywhere near what's happened is almost bound to offend, no matter how you word it. Until he's ready to talk himself, stay away from that topic. Just keep it very much onto normal, everyday stuff(just pretend everything is ok :p ) like I dunno. Stuff he did in the snow, stuff he does at school. At least, that's what I'd prefer.

The letter you started off won't help at all. It probably will make him feel guilty, but it could also make him angry at himself, which he then will take out on people around him. He's in professional hands now, so hopefully they will be able to help him get his head right.

I dunno if that made much sense. I'm not that good at explaining myself at the best of times.:p
 
Inle_Rabbitry wrote:
If you absolutely feel that you must write to him (and I mainly support the idea of not giving him any attention), how about simply asking him how he feels things are going and how they are affecting him in camp? Ask him what tools he has learned that would better help him explore his options when he is released? Askhim what he likes and dislikes about his camp, and how he could possibly make things better.Saying things like, "I've been there, done that" or "I'm so proud of you" or "You better be behaving over there"will only make him feel more angry and isolated from his family (and family is the most important thing in life).What he really needs, is for someone to expressinterest in who he is and push him into the right direction by encouraging his strong points and allowing him to find those options on his own. I hope that made sense?

I think this is the most therapeutic approach.

The "I've been there" and "I know how you feel" are cliche', non-therapeutic communications.
 
I'm still going to agree with Larry, IF you must write.


To be honest, a good kid, is truely going to be a good kid and understand normal rules, and moral. A bad kid is just going to do what he and Larry's daughter have done.

I've a cousin who is bluntly a piece of crap. She's truely scum. She has 2 boys that are slightly younger then me. She would ask you to babysit them and then not show up for a month, and they were constantly passed around, her and her friends always did drugs, alcohol, their father was just as crappy..... Those 2 boys are truely good kids and while the oldest decided against college he works hard. Really hard......and the youngest excelled in football, was given scholarships to play at numerous colleges, but knew he couldn't do that his whole life and instead is just going to college to become a police officer. They are good kids.

You can line up numerous excuses for him, but in the end he is just out of control. If he wants a letter it shouldn't be you guys giving in yet again, it should be HIM writing first proving that he is becoming a descent human being.


I also have a friend who was given everythign growing up. There was nearly 15 years between him and his brother. His parents were older and had money. SO he was just given what he wants. He NEVER turned out like your nephew. He's beyond hyper and can be annoying... but he behaves and would drop everything to help everyone. There is just more to your nephews behavior issues.
 
Personally, I would go the neutral way. Don't give attention, don't ignore. Basically, keep it cool and somewhat distant. It's okay to let him know that you are thinking of him. Ask how he's doing, how things are there etc. but don't get angry and add on to what he is already trying to sort out, and don't be 'proud' as you don't actually know that he is taking this seriously yet.

I definitely think a child that doesn't know discipline is bound to get in trouble (most of the time at least) andI agree that the family really does have some blame to share. However, he is old enough to know right from wrong and now is the time to shape up and become a man. Until he is willing to share responsibility, it'll just stay like this.

So I am with Inle_Rabbitry with this.

Best of luck to you and yours!
 
I guess I feel a little differently than the majority. I would keep open contact an be encouraging with the good things he has accomplished. Be positive and remindful of the good things he is doing now and remind him of how it feels to acheive something positive. People make mistakes and bad decisions but if he can and does learn from it then he will be all the better for it and better understand the pain and turmoil he has caused his family.
 
I am part of the minority in that I think you should write a note. I was never a troublesome teen (was an only child, no cousins, spoiled rotten too). My favorite place was a library, had straight A's, but maybe played my music a little too loud. :p I paid for college myself so being spoiled as a kid I don't feel can cause a kid to be trouble. I'm the opposite and very independent because my family spoiled me. I wanted to lessen the burden since I could get a job. There may be something else going on with him.

Family is important. He may not realize it now, but I would send him a neutral note or letter. Do not feed his behavior. Talk about bunnies, current events, or maybe a show or band he likes. I get short notes from my family in the mail now and then even though I talk to them. Someday I think he will appreciate that his family does love him and wants what is best for him. He might hate it now, but someday he may truly understand why things happened the way they had and that his family still cares about him.
 
If any have watched or been involved in an intervention, you can't help that person till they want to be helped and quit. I didn't give even a tenth of the stuff my daughter pulled. She's the polar-opposite of her brother. They were both raised the same. She has a very high I.Q. but has chosen not to use it. I once told her that any thing she can think of, I already did it when I was a kid and got away with it, so you're not smarter than your Dad--I demonstrated time after time that I could and would get to the truth. As to the comparing animals and human behaviors--HUH? All animals have different personalities and will have a great variance in their behavior, but nobody tolerates a canine that will attack without provocation and do great harm and there are even laws against keeping them. Humans have a higher brain function and most, except Sociopaths see a clear difference between right and wrong. The problem with most is maturity--some never mature or act like a responsible member of society. That's why I said not to enable the wrong kind of behavior. My wife still talks to our daughter, but I've given up on having any kind of relationship as her behavior while it has changed some, it still leaves a lot to be desired. Here's just a few--she still moves out of places owing rent or time on a lease and they call me. She moves every 4 or five months to avoid other creditors. Her car got repossessed because she felt that drugs were more important than bills. Man, I could go on for a long time. She quit doing some of the worse things--drugs, etc. as she decided she doesn't like getting arrested. When her car got taken, she called and told us a line about getting hit by someone that didn't have insurance but all I had to do was make one call to find out the truth. Til they own up to their bad ways and apologize and mean it there is not a lot you can do.
 

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