OT....just mad

[dreamgal042]

sorry, i just need to rant somewhere.
as you guys may or not know, my mom passed away suddenly a year and ahalf ago. my dad started dating again in january...10mo after. he brokeup with that woman after..i dunno, a few months? then a couple monthsago he started telling me he was going to the movies with 'a friend' orgoing to dinner with 'a friend'. well thanks to my friends mom, sheasked if he was dating, and he told me he was. they've been pressing meto meet her, as are all the people ive talked to. everyones like 'justmeet her! whats the worst that could happen?' and im like 'i hateher!!!' as much as they tell me otherwise, i still feel like this womanis going to replace my mom...at least to my dad. he doesnt know i feelthis way. he thinks im fine with it. he goes out with her at least acouple times a week. but today...just about 15 minutes ago, my dadcomes into my den to tell me he's going out tonight...overnight... iask with who...i didnt have to..."my friend mary beth" (thats thelady). i loooooooooost it. once he left the room, i was bawling. itried to call both my sisters, neither were there. i called one of myfriends, she wasnt there. i called one of the women i babysit for, andhung up halfway through in fear of sounding stupid. once i called myother friend, she was there. she invited me to sleep over her housetonight. the woman i babysit for, mentioned above, when i sent her acopy of the email my dads friend sent to be forwarded to me, she saidthe lady was trying way too hard. heres the email:

I hope you liked the flower. It is one of my favorites, the tuberosa,and I chose it for you because your Dad declared your party "anabsolute triumph"....
(he said you thought of everything) and I wanted you to have 'the sweetsmell of success" to carry with you through the week to remind you ofthe terrific thing you did today, and the poise and maturity thathelped you carry it off.

Seriously, I not only admire your loving care and consideration ofchildren, I share it. I'm hoping that someday soon you'll feelcomfortable in meeting me and we can explore this as common ground forbeginning a friendship.

When you are ready, give me a chance...you might be pleasantly surprised....

mb

the flowers she references...on the day of my biiiiiiiig party that idbeen planning for months, she gave my dad flowers to give to me. ithrew 'em on the ground behind the house cuz i didnt want 'em. turnsout my dad found 'em and put 'em in a vase on his desk. to me, theylooked like those flowers that belong on a grave, so i thought shewanted me dead, or she wanted to kill me. teenage mind. i love mymom...and miss her so much. i have a framed drawing of her when she was10 in my den, right above my chinchilla's cage. i just celebrated her60th birthday on wednesday.
sorry for ranting.

 

[babymommy]

dreamgal,

I know this is a very difficult time for you and I'm glad you can atleast vent out some of your frustration in words.

It may be difficult for you, but I think when your in a calmed state ofmind, it would be good for you and your dad to sit down and talk thesethings through, even if you have to seek a counselor as a "sort of"metator. Loosing any parent in the home is not easy, whetherit's due to death or divorce.

I don't think you can begin to accept anyone that your dad decides todate until you work through your feelings about loosing your mom andthe fact that your dad is dating again. It will not be easy,and it will take time, but if you're open minded about it and willingto talk, you can find peace with it.

Keep your chin up, it will get better.


If I don't reply back anymore today, it's because I'm about to leave work and will not have access to my computer.

 

[babydoshia]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Iknow it's difficult to have a parent dating. I think youshould give her a chance though. It's hard on hertoo. I'm sure she's not trying to replace your mom and sheprobably in no way wants to hurt you. Even though it's hardyou should give her a chance. You wont always like the personyour dad is dating but the important thing is that he'shappy. It's hard to loose a spouse. Talk to yourdad, tell him how you feel, tell him you'll at least try to like herbut it's going to take time.



I do know how you feel though. My mom got divorced(well seperated) from her first husband (my dad) a few days before Iwas born. I've never seen my real dad, and hope I neverdo. I won't go into that though. Shemarried again in 96 to a mayjor asshole. He hated me and mademe sleep on the couch because he wanted the spare bedroom for anoffice. (Note, at the time I was 7) Well, thatlasted about a year and she finally divorsed him. (Thankgod) Then in 99 she met a nice guy and we all moved toColorado together. They were planning on getting married onmy moms birthday in 2001 (April) but he sadly got cancer in Februaryand passed away April 1st 2001. They did get married rightbefore he died though (26 hours before to be exact.) Theyboth loved each other very much and got married in the nursinghome. He passed away the next morning.

That was a few years ago and my mom has had a very hard time gettingover it. She just started to date again about a monthago. He's a nice guy, but I really don't like him.It's hard to have my mom dating and always gone more thanusual. She usualy stays at his house on the weekends and goesthere alot durring the week. I have a hard time putting upwith him always being around or on the phone with her. I putup with it though. I want my mom to be happy. Idont want her to be alone forever. She really misses DJ butit has helped her alot to start dating again. She's alothappier.

I dont know if this helps you at all. But just look at itfrom your dad's point of view. I'm sure he misses your momvery much but you cannot expect him to be alone forever. Noone will ever forget or replace your mom. She's always goingto be there in your heart.


-Madelon

 

[Bunny_Mad]

I thonk you should meet her!

I have never been in the same boat but why take the chance of rining you relationship with your Dad!!

Trust me on this! Men don't think logically........or emotionaly! Itmay be hard for him to see how you feel so don't blurt out how you feelin a rant like above!!

He may not see as excuses he might say: you don't want to see him happyor You don't understand that he needs someone as he was with you motherfor so long.

Meet her first but if you still feel the same, talk to your father calmly!!

 

[Pepper]

Dreamgal,

I think you should tell your dad how you feel and hopefully he's the type of person who understands.

 

[Pepper]

babydoshia wrote:

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it'sdifficult to have a parent dating. I think you should giveher a chance though. It's hard on her too. I'm sureshe's not trying to replace your mom and she probably in no way wantsto hurt you. Even though it's hard you should give her achance. You wont always like the person your dad is datingbut the important thing is that he's happy. It's hard toloose a spouse. Talk to your dad, tell him how you feel, tellhim you'll at least try to like her but it's going to take time.



I do know how you feel though. My mom got divorced(well seperated) from her first husband (my dad) a few days before Iwas born. I've never seen my real dad, and hope I neverdo. I won't go into that though. Shemarried again in 96 to a mayjor asshole. He hated me and mademe sleep on the couch because he wanted the spare bedroom for anoffice. (Note, at the time I was 7) Well, thatlasted about a year and she finally divorsed him. (Thankgod) Then in 99 she met a nice guy and we all moved toColorado together. They were planning on getting married onmy moms birthday in 2001 (April) but he sadly got cancer in Februaryand passed away April 1st 2001. They did get married rightbefore he died though (26 hours before to be exact.) Theyboth loved each other very much and got married in the nursinghome. He passed away the next morning.

That was a few years ago and my mom has had a very hard time gettingover it. She just started to date again about a monthago. He's a nice guy, but I really don't like him.It's hard to have my mom dating and always gone more thanusual. She usualy stays at his house on the weekends and goesthere alot durring the week. I have a hard time putting upwith him always being around or on the phone with her. I putup with it though. I want my mom to be happy. Idont want her to be alone forever. She really misses DJ butit has helped her alot to start dating again. She's alothappier.

I dont know if this helps you at all. But just look at itfrom your dad's point of view. I'm sure he misses your momvery much but you cannot expect him to be alone forever. Noone will ever forget or replace your mom. She's always goingto be there in your heart.


-Madelon

That is so sad,about your mom's husband that passedaway from cancer.If your mom spends all this time with thisnew guy,when do you get to see her.

 

[babydoshia]

Pepper wrote:

Thatis so sad,about your mom's husband that passed away fromcancer.If your mom spends all this time with this newguy,when do you get to see her.

I see her when I get home from school. That's when she getsoff. She usually changes and then goes over there at about 5,and then if it's weekday if I'm still awake when she comes home I seeher, but usually on the wekend she stays over. Some daysshe'll stay home though. But if she's home, she's usualysleeping.

I don't mind though, I just want her to be happy.

 

[Pepper]

babydoshia wrote:

Pepper wrote:

That is sosad,about your mom's husband that passed away fromcancer.If your mom spends all this time with this newguy,when do you get to see her.

I see her when I get home from school. That's when she getsoff. She usually changes and then goes over there at about 5,and then if it's weekday if I'm still awake when she comes home I seeher, but usually on the wekend she stays over. Some daysshe'll stay home though. But if she's home, she's usualysleeping.

I don't mind though, I just want her to be happy.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. At least you want her to be happy,that's nice.

 

[Sarah]

dreamgal, I understand not wanting to meet her. Ithink her email was really nice. It doesn't sound to me that she'strying too hard, just like she wants to be your friend. I understandnot feeling ready for it. Losing a parent is not something you getover. Sometimes the pain of losing your parent comes back at an unusualtime and it feels as bad as it did the day it happened. I'm sure yourdad feels that way too. I can understand not feeling ready to acceptanother woman in your dad's life. It puts you in a weird position. He'sready to start meeting new people, for his reasons, and you're notready for your reasons. Grieving is not the same for everyone.

Haveyou ever talked to a grief counselor? That can be reallyhelpful. Even books about grief can give you a feeling of not beingalone in the way you feel. The library should have a section dedicatedto grief, and plenty of books on losing a parent. A grief counselor canhelp you work through your loss and if you want they can involve yourfather and your sisters too.

I lost my Dad when I was 21, so it's different for me. My parents werealready divorced. Though going through the divorce and trying to acceptnew people in my parents lives did pretty much suck, like babydoshiawas saying. I know where you're coming from. Think about seeing acounselor to help you through this dark time. Oh, and don't startthinking a year is enough time, and you should be getting over it. It'snot that easy and you should give yourself a break. This was an awfullife-altering event, and it warrants all the time and help that youneed to work through it.

Big Hugs, Sarah

 

[bluebird]

Im sorry about your mother.Being a teenager istough anyway without losing a mother and i can understand that you arejust not comfortable with your dad dating yet it really hasnt been thatlong.bluebird

 

[bunsforlife]

Oh I am so sorry to hear that Dream...I can understand your anger and your unwillingness to meether. Heck you are probably mad at your dad for wanting todate again. These are all understandable emotions.

Try asking your dad for an 'appointment' like you would with adoctor. Try to be serious and explain to him your fears andyour anger. Put every feeling you have been having since yourmother's death on the table. then hopefully he will do thesame. If you feel like you cant talk to your fatherabout this, you can try to write a letter. After you finish,put it aside for a couple hours and then reread it just to make sureyou didnt write anything in the heat of the moment where you may saysomething you didnt mean.

Your father isn't trying to 'replace' your mother. No one cando that, and it wouldnt be fair to anyone he dates to try to live up tothat, most women would understand that, and wouldnt want to take over,but would rather just be like a friend. But of course that isa big generalization.

From what I have seen and heard, men appear to be the more dependant...many of them need a companion. There are bunnies out therelike that, they become so depressed after thier mate dies, they startto just stop taking care of themselves. And most bunny mumsand dads would try their best to find another bunny to heal the woundscaused by the loss. The first mate isn't being replaced, butallowing for healing. We all need to love and beloved.

I dont mean to blabber on like a blithering idiot... job hunting putsme with too much time on my hands. Its okay to be angry, justdont keep that anger bottled inside. Vent, in a responisbleway =)

 

[Sarah]

bunsforlife wrote:

If you feel like you cant talk to your father about this,you can try to write a letter. After you finish, put it asidefor a couple hours and then reread it just to make sure you didnt writeanything in the heat of the moment where you may say something youdidnt mean.

That sounds like very good advice. We all know you express yourselfbeautifully in writing ('cause...well...that's how we know you, throughyour writing) You always get your emotions, and wit though to peoplewho have never met you, as clear as if we could hear your voice. I'msure you would do well in a letter to your dad.

 

[RaspberrySwirl]

There's just somany emotions there to sort out...but really I don't think anyone canever really replace your mom. And I think however hard it may be, youhave to trust your father's judgment. I mean after all, he loved yourmother, right? And you want him to not be alone and sad, right?Because, even if you may not be seriously involved with someone rightnow, it's only a matter of time before you will have your own life. Mykids are about your age and they are so wrapped up in their lives thatI often feel a little alone and I still have my husband. You don't wantyour Dad to pass up this chance at happiness and a future. And I betyour mom wouldn't want him to either. I know it's hard on you. I reallydo. I lost my mom. My Dad still hasn't found someone. It's so sad towatch how lonely he is. He is such a wonderful man and I want him tofinish his life with a wonderful woman beside him. Even so, the idea ofanother woman going into my moms house and messing with stuff bothersme. So, I do understand how you feel. But you are going tohave to work through this and let thegreater good win. Hangin there Dreamgal. We are here for you until it's all sorted out. -Raspberry

 

[dreamgal042]

I know I have to talk to him. But theres twothings i dont express online that are true in real life. 1) im shy.Around people I dont know, or am not comfortable with, im really shyand might not say more than 'hi...fine, you?...good...' and 2) ireeeeeeeally hate confrontation to the point where i avoid it formonths on end. so last night, i tried the first step...talking to mydad about different subjects. lets just say instead of a conversationlike i was trying to make, he started talking in "his tone". you guysknow the tone i mean..that tone parents have that isnt raising theirvoice, but you know they mean business. it wasnt even something big. hewanted me to eat dinner with him downstairs every night, and I didntwant to. He doesnt understand that i dont want to hang out with him. hethinks everything I do when he's home should include him. and i cantget it across to him that i dont. i prolly sounded really rude, but iactually spelled it out for him last night that i dont wanna hang outwith him. we'll see how this plays out for now. not sure what i can do.

 

[Delphinum]

My dad's a bit the same. He and mymother split up when I was 9. My mum shacked up with some guythe next week, taking us with her. We didn't want to livewith her new bf so we went back to my dad's. It took himabout a year and a half to go out with other people and wouldn'tintroduce us to his gf's until he'd stabilised himself withthem. So I do think your dad's lady friend is doing the rightthing by you by not coming to visit you.

Your dad, however, may feel that you are blocking him out of your life,therefor he wants to spend time with you.My daddidn't like it when I was a teenager because I didn't talk to him ortell him the things I used to when I was younger and couldn't quiteunderstand the fact that I was growing up and didn't want to tell himall about my life.

You could set some time aside for him every night just to sit and talkabout your day, like at dinner time, so that he still gets some timewith you, but youin turn willget timealone. He maybe feels that he doesn't want you pulling awayfrom him and sitting at dinner with him shouldn't be a chore, it shouldbe a nice family time to see how you both are. He may also bemissing your mum and spending time with you may help him to be remindedof her and the nice things about her. Try not to be too hardon him, he'll be hurting too.

Dad's are funny with their daughters, they need reassurance that you'restill their girl, mine still thinks I'm 5 years old and buys me Thomasthe Tank Engine Spaghetti Shapes for tea when I go there. Inow live with my partner, but he still brought me down a big stuffedtiger yesterday! *tuts* I live a 6 hour drive frommy dad and I miss him loads because I was so used to him being thereevery day. Spend a bit of time with him and try to get toknow him better, you might then be able to open up to him about yourworries about Mary Beth.

Just an idea! I hope you work it out honey!

 

[RaspberrySwirl]

You...shy???? I never would have guessed! Okay,here's my input. I hope you can step outside the box and see it from afriend instead of "just another parent." A good Dad would have a lot ofreasons to be concerned about you right now. Even if you were reallyokay, it's his job to worry and watch out for you, even when it pissesyou off. You guys have lost your Mom, you are a teenage girl "stuck"with just a Dad to watch over you. All the issues a girl goes throughanyway and now without your Mom. So, it only makes sense that he wouldtry to do the right things. Every teen-awareness commercial,how-to-raise-your-kid book and TV doctor are screaming about how towatch your kids. The truth is, you are a high risk kid right now.You've always come across to me as a girl with a good head on yourshoulders, but your Dad would be negligent if he wasn't trying to dothe right things. And not letting your kid spend too much time alone isone of those things. And believe me, as uncomfortable as it is for youright now, it's probably ten-fold that for him. Try, just try, for aminute to think how much he wants to do right by your mom. He knows shewould have expectations of him to finish raising you right and not letany harm come your way. He might not be taking the right approach but Ibet his intentions are good.