GoinBackToCali
Well-Known Member
I got a few emails, and PM's..so I thought I would answer them here, and as well offer up an explanation for my behavior.
In one of my recent posts, I said Derby cost me alot. More than you'll ever know. It has..
What might you ask?
Before I dive into all that, let me say a few positive things. I went thru alot of stuff in my personal life before I started derby, that probably should have been squared away in my head first. I also jumped into a few things, namely one big thing, that I should have waited on a bit longer. That statement in it's self is a real butt kicker to make.
Derby wasn't the problem, never was, but the characters surrounding it were...
Derby..we were ran by a Skate Nazi, who personally, didn't have the intelligence to come in out of the rain. Ever had a boss that was too stupid to be your boss, but because they were your boss, you had to give them respect? Ticked you off didn't it? She wanted to skate, and didn't have the smarts to run the administrative side of things, but still wanted her hand in it, because she founded the team. My downfall is, I have no filter, and let her know what I thought of her stupidity on several occasions. To my credit, I held it in for about 8 months..
It got to the point, where she was controlling every aspect of our lives, or tried to. Examples? I have team stickers and derby stickers on my truck, "You can't drive like an idiot or hotdog it with those stickers on there, it gives off negative vibes about the team*...wearing a team shirt out in public? Your hair better be fixed and makeup on, and your kids better be well dressed and respectful (not like my kids aren't) "if i get a report about anyone or their kids doing anything that's disrespecting the shirt, your getting sanctioned" Facebook or MySpace? I myself got sanctioned twice. Once for a blog about being a repressed Irish Catholic Rollergirl liking Irish men, because that might pull in to many drunk Irish men to a bout(yeah cause yanno all Irish men are drunk), and my Facebook..I had a blog up about a work situation, that she took as a veiled diatribe about derby, and she began to berate me about it in front of the other Officer's. I lit into her, threw my helmet at her face, and walked out..I ended up being sanctioned for my outburst.
I ended up leaving, because I was told, after donating $200 worth of links to the benefit link sale, and donating my huge BBQ pit, making signs and bringing teenagers to hold signs, that by not being available, due to having to babysit a dying parent, because the hospice sitter was unable to be there on Saturday, that I "Flaked out,i'm unreliable,undependable, and I let my team down." I was also told that is not a valid excuse for not being there. I was further berated because when asked by another skater why I was angry, I told facts why. I was going to be sanctioned for gossiping.
So these are just a few examples..my life was like that all the time..it got to the point, in the last week before I left, that I was in tears more often than not, and at one point, I wanted to literally shoot myself.
So quit you say?
Wasn't just that..
I was a fat chick. Big old girl..Derby got me in way better shape. But that even got out of hand. Realistically I will never be a skinny chick, I am a big wall of a skater. I am a slow lumbering immovable object your not going to get through. I still skate faster than your average person, but i'm still not ever gonna be a speed star. In my mind that's a different story.I felt I had to have derby to stay fit. I think I got to the point I was having an eating disorder. Actually, my eating was fine, I was having an exercise disorder. I would run a mile in the morning, bike 2 miles, do cardio, go to work, do my core workout at lunch, bike 2 miles when i got home, skate 3 hours and then walk another mile when I got home after that. Days I didnt skate, I biked or skated outdoors up to 6 miles.
Sounds great, but when your hyped up on Redline energy drinks to exist.. it's not. I was a raging frikkin lunatic. Evil incarnate..your body is not made to workout that much..and I got dangerously thin for my height. I posted some pics awhile back, and I think Patti,Slavetoabunny said something about my appearance, which made me show my best guy friend.. and he freaked out as well.. So.. I started slacking off. I feel better, and I am not a lunatic anymore..i've got some weight to me now.Quite a bit now.
As for my husband, we were up each other's butt's so much at the rink and at work, we got on each other's nerves. And I think we jumped into things to quick. He wanted to go back to Oz.. and I was so loyal to my team, and what I thought I had accomplished in my life, I refused to go.. initially I was going to, but I didn't. He went. I fear change, and with my mom in the shape she's in, I couldn't stand to leave her. He didn't get that. I do love that man.. but I can't do what he's asking..
In the interim..my ex husband.. whom I know ya'll recall, and I have become close. Not boyfriend girlfriend close, but confidente,best friend close, well, take that back, I don't know what we are..he IS the love of my life, just cause..I do love him.. but getting married again? No.. ever saying we are a couple.. No.. forced relationships and us don't work...doing our own thing and being loving parents to our kids do..
It works.. so I ain't gonna fight it..
So..in short.. I got so wrapped up in myself..in derby..in being someone's wife..that I ignored people, I was a combative arrogant ass, I was rude at times, and just a general jerk when it was unneeded and unwarranted, and for the most part, the people it was directed to were undeserving.
I sincerely and whole heartedly apologize to each and everyone of you all.
As for derby..I started my own team/league with friends for these reasons.. in as much as it is a violent aggressive sport, it's also a place of healing. The sisterhood, camaraderie, support is phenomenal. You also get fit as well. We have girls in it who are victims of family violence, have lost children, have had cancer..and they all say the same thing"If it wasn't for this, for the support, for the love, I don't know where I would be.. I need this in my life.."
So for all the crap I put up the first go around..it's gonna be done right this time.
Thank you to you all for welcoming back to the forum, and the emails, pm's and texts as well..
In one of my recent posts, I said Derby cost me alot. More than you'll ever know. It has..
What might you ask?
Before I dive into all that, let me say a few positive things. I went thru alot of stuff in my personal life before I started derby, that probably should have been squared away in my head first. I also jumped into a few things, namely one big thing, that I should have waited on a bit longer. That statement in it's self is a real butt kicker to make.
Derby wasn't the problem, never was, but the characters surrounding it were...
Derby..we were ran by a Skate Nazi, who personally, didn't have the intelligence to come in out of the rain. Ever had a boss that was too stupid to be your boss, but because they were your boss, you had to give them respect? Ticked you off didn't it? She wanted to skate, and didn't have the smarts to run the administrative side of things, but still wanted her hand in it, because she founded the team. My downfall is, I have no filter, and let her know what I thought of her stupidity on several occasions. To my credit, I held it in for about 8 months..
It got to the point, where she was controlling every aspect of our lives, or tried to. Examples? I have team stickers and derby stickers on my truck, "You can't drive like an idiot or hotdog it with those stickers on there, it gives off negative vibes about the team*...wearing a team shirt out in public? Your hair better be fixed and makeup on, and your kids better be well dressed and respectful (not like my kids aren't) "if i get a report about anyone or their kids doing anything that's disrespecting the shirt, your getting sanctioned" Facebook or MySpace? I myself got sanctioned twice. Once for a blog about being a repressed Irish Catholic Rollergirl liking Irish men, because that might pull in to many drunk Irish men to a bout(yeah cause yanno all Irish men are drunk), and my Facebook..I had a blog up about a work situation, that she took as a veiled diatribe about derby, and she began to berate me about it in front of the other Officer's. I lit into her, threw my helmet at her face, and walked out..I ended up being sanctioned for my outburst.
I ended up leaving, because I was told, after donating $200 worth of links to the benefit link sale, and donating my huge BBQ pit, making signs and bringing teenagers to hold signs, that by not being available, due to having to babysit a dying parent, because the hospice sitter was unable to be there on Saturday, that I "Flaked out,i'm unreliable,undependable, and I let my team down." I was also told that is not a valid excuse for not being there. I was further berated because when asked by another skater why I was angry, I told facts why. I was going to be sanctioned for gossiping.
So these are just a few examples..my life was like that all the time..it got to the point, in the last week before I left, that I was in tears more often than not, and at one point, I wanted to literally shoot myself.
So quit you say?
Wasn't just that..
I was a fat chick. Big old girl..Derby got me in way better shape. But that even got out of hand. Realistically I will never be a skinny chick, I am a big wall of a skater. I am a slow lumbering immovable object your not going to get through. I still skate faster than your average person, but i'm still not ever gonna be a speed star. In my mind that's a different story.I felt I had to have derby to stay fit. I think I got to the point I was having an eating disorder. Actually, my eating was fine, I was having an exercise disorder. I would run a mile in the morning, bike 2 miles, do cardio, go to work, do my core workout at lunch, bike 2 miles when i got home, skate 3 hours and then walk another mile when I got home after that. Days I didnt skate, I biked or skated outdoors up to 6 miles.
Sounds great, but when your hyped up on Redline energy drinks to exist.. it's not. I was a raging frikkin lunatic. Evil incarnate..your body is not made to workout that much..and I got dangerously thin for my height. I posted some pics awhile back, and I think Patti,Slavetoabunny said something about my appearance, which made me show my best guy friend.. and he freaked out as well.. So.. I started slacking off. I feel better, and I am not a lunatic anymore..i've got some weight to me now.Quite a bit now.
As for my husband, we were up each other's butt's so much at the rink and at work, we got on each other's nerves. And I think we jumped into things to quick. He wanted to go back to Oz.. and I was so loyal to my team, and what I thought I had accomplished in my life, I refused to go.. initially I was going to, but I didn't. He went. I fear change, and with my mom in the shape she's in, I couldn't stand to leave her. He didn't get that. I do love that man.. but I can't do what he's asking..
In the interim..my ex husband.. whom I know ya'll recall, and I have become close. Not boyfriend girlfriend close, but confidente,best friend close, well, take that back, I don't know what we are..he IS the love of my life, just cause..I do love him.. but getting married again? No.. ever saying we are a couple.. No.. forced relationships and us don't work...doing our own thing and being loving parents to our kids do..
It works.. so I ain't gonna fight it..
So..in short.. I got so wrapped up in myself..in derby..in being someone's wife..that I ignored people, I was a combative arrogant ass, I was rude at times, and just a general jerk when it was unneeded and unwarranted, and for the most part, the people it was directed to were undeserving.
I sincerely and whole heartedly apologize to each and everyone of you all.
As for derby..I started my own team/league with friends for these reasons.. in as much as it is a violent aggressive sport, it's also a place of healing. The sisterhood, camaraderie, support is phenomenal. You also get fit as well. We have girls in it who are victims of family violence, have lost children, have had cancer..and they all say the same thing"If it wasn't for this, for the support, for the love, I don't know where I would be.. I need this in my life.."
So for all the crap I put up the first go around..it's gonna be done right this time.
Thank you to you all for welcoming back to the forum, and the emails, pm's and texts as well..
