I've been fighting with my mom and need advice.

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BunnyLove89

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I'm 24 and still live at home with my parents. We live on a 31 acre farm and in a couple of weeks my fiancé is moving in with us. The plan is for my fiancé and I to live in my parents' house with them for awhile after we are married, until we have enough money saved to build a house. The plan is to build on the property.
I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home.
Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel.
It's hard. When we're getting along, which we do 75% of the time, things are great. But then she gets in these moods. I don't know how to handle it. Any attempt I make to explain to her how it made me feel just starts another fight.
This has to get better. If it doesn't, my fiancé has said that he won't want to build on the property, and he also won't want our kids around her. I can't tell her this. It would really hurt her feelings and it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I just really need advice...I'm stressed and depressed over it all and it sucks.
Sorry for the long rant!
 

zombiesue

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If you can't tell her your feelings, you really don't want to live around her. That's what I've taken from this.

I love my in-laws like I can't even express to you. I mean, we really care for eachother. But I would rather live in a homeless shelter than with them. I swear to god. I wouldn't even want to live in the SAME TOWN LOL. The idea of living with them just makes my SKIN CRAWL. That's not because I don't love them. I absolutely do.

IMHO just move out and get an apartment. It might hurt her feelings, but I bet it'll be a lot easier than you think, and you'd get along closer to 95% of the time you spend with your parents.

If that's not an option, I don't know what you can do if you can't talk to her about it. I guess keep suffering is your only other alternative.
 

Bville

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I think you need to move out of your parents house, become more independent, and set some boundaries of how she can and cannot treat you. I think it would be better for you and your fiance to live in a small apartment and save up for a house rather than live with your parents, even if it takes longer. If you don't live with your parents, you can enjoy your mom's company when you are getting along, but if she starts calling you names and bashing you, you can just politely leave, go back to your own home and say you'll give her some time to cool off.
 

Azerane

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Can I ask the reason you originally decided to build on your parents property? I'm not saying it's a bad thing to do, but knowing myself, as much as I love my family, I think I'd want my own separate life from them. If you're scared about not doing it because it would hurt your mum, then that's the wrong reason. Where you and your fiance live is your decision and is about how it makes you two feel, not how it makes your family feel. Trust me, after years of being in a long distance relationship and worrying about who we'll be hurting if we move to whichever place, we realised that while it's unfortunate it will hurt some of our family, our relationship isn't about their happiness, it's about our happiness.

Your mum's yelling sounds much like what my fiance's mum does to him as well. She yells at him for unreasonable things, even when she is 100% wrong, she simply doesn't listen, and don't even try to tell her how that makes you feel. She has even screamed in my face for 5 minutes simply because i was in the firing line. I personally feel very uncomfortable around her and certainly wouldn't want to live so close to her or see her so often. Have you asked your fiance what he wants? Not what he's ok with doing, but what he would actually like to do, whether it's build on your parents property or build elsewhere.

You have to ask yourself, can you be sure that the yelling and derogatory comments will stop once you've built on their land. How long do you expect it to take before you can build your own house there and can you put up with that sort of environment for that length of time?
 
S

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It sounds like your mom might be going through menopause! Honestly I've talked to loads of people who are going through it and it can make a person behave irrational and crazy. However, choosing to stay living there seems like a very bad idea for you. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you should tolerate that toxic behaviour...and that is toxic in my opinion. You are a grown adult with a bright future, marriage, kids in front of you, you owe it to your future husband but most importantly, yourself to not allow someone to berate you and cause you to have low self worth. I'm sorry but life is way to short for that. I would put my foot down ASAP on this situation. And if there isn't some accountability on your mom's part, I would move out. One question: where the heck is your dad in all this? Why is he allowing his wife to treat his child so terribly? Best of luck to you:)
 

whitelop

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From my person experience, I'm going to tell you that you need to move out.
My FIL sounds the same as your mom. My FIL is a horrible person, that no one can stand to be around for longer than a few hours. My DH and I started dating at 19, moved out at 20, married at 20. So we had this HUGE issue with my FIL before my DH moved out. I was living back and forth between their house and my moms house. My FIL didn't want my DH to move out, because if he moved out then the FIL wouldn't have control, so he wouldn't let my DH get our stuff from the house for like a week. So we lived in a small apartment for a week, with just lawn chairs and a bed. LOL He had to buy one pan from the grocery store because thats all we could afford. It was insane.
We're all okay now, but they only way we stay okay is by not living with him. My MIL on the other hand, is great. I really love her.

If you decided to move out, your mom would probably be really mad. She would probably do the same thing that my FIL did and not let you get your stuff. It would probably be bad for a while, but sometimes that bad isn't a real bad thing. Sometimes peoples relationships run their course and you have to take a break from each other for a while. Sometimes you get along best when you don't live together. So I think, your best chance at being happy and having a good life, is to get away from your parents house...now. I know its hard to move out, its hard to make enough money to survive, its hard to do all the things that adults do, but you ARE an adult. You're 24, its time to tell your mom whats up and find other arrangements. I'm about to be 24, in a week. I have a kid, a house, 5 acre farm. I would not have it any other way, we struggle sometimes, but who doesn't? Sometimes you have to put your endgame plans on the back burner to insure that they actually happen.

Coming from the land of crazy, your best interest for being a happy, healthy adult is to leave. You would not want to bring your fiance into that house, with the crazy flowing that heavily. I don't know why your mom is being so ugly to you, to your fiance. Maybe because her marriage isn't great? So she's trying to sabotage yours? They say misery loves company, and oh my god yes it does! It really does love company, so it can belittle the company and hurt them. So you have to be bigger than your mom and not feed into the crap. Let her do whatever self destructive things to herself, let her talk her crap, you just have to remember that you are an adult and she is bitter.

So pull up your big girl pants. Call some apartment complexes, look online at rental houses. Find something cheap and small, it might not be great, but it'll do. Save all the money you can, start clipping coupons. And most important, you need to wake up every morning, eat your bowl of awesome and be the adult that you know you can be. Feel strong, feel empowered, know that you can do it. Because you can.
 

BunnyLove89

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Thank you for your replies.

First off, I am not pregnant. The reference to children was in regards to our future children.
Here is some background info on my relationship with my parents. My parents have had a rocky marriage for as long as I can remember. My dad cheated on her when I was 4 or 5, my brother found out (he was 10) and told my mom and (coincidentally or not) my dad started beating on my brother for a few years. I remember my mom just standing there and I know she felt helpless. My brother went to prison a few years later and my dad turned on me. He didn't hit me but he terrorized me emotionally whenever my mom wasn't around. The one time I tried to call her for help he threw my phone against the wall and called me a b**ch. From age 12 up until 3 years ago he would routinely threaten to kick me out of the house for really stupid reasons. When my brother came back from prison I guess my dad felt guilty so my brother became the favorite, even though my brother turned extremely abusive towards the entire family. My dad was constantly giving him large amounts of money and even said that he would sacrifice the rest of the family and sell the house to get my brother money.
When I was 20 my mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. I was in the car with her one day and she almost killed us. She also asked me to take her out back, put her out of her misery and shoot her. A few days later my brother and I had her committed.
My dad also had a nervous breakdown. His was in 2011. He walked out of the house with a backpack, and things in the backpack to committ suicide. He told my mom and I that his blood was on our hands. He was found the next day and was fine physically. My parents separated at this point for a few months.
I have a normal relationship with my dad now. My parents are back together and get along about 60-70% of the time. But when they do fight, it's bad. My dad doesn't stand up for me when my mom is on my case, and I don't blame him. I'm sure he's just glad that it's not him getting yelled at.
My dad is also terminally ill. His disease is being treated, but it will kill him. His twin brother has it too and is dying.
This is the best I have gotten along with my parents probably ever. There's only maybe 1 big fight every week or 2 which is a lot better than it was.
I don't think my parents are mad about my upcoming marriage or the living situation. It was my parents' idea for us to live here when we're married to save money. It was also their idea (and we happily agreed) for us to build on the property. When we bought the farm, it was a group decision. My fiancé works for my parents on the farm part-time. My parents adore my fiancé and have even set up a bedroom for him for whenever he wants to stay the night.
Everyone is okay with the living situation. No one had to be persuaded or compromise or anything.
My mom and I do have a good relationship most of the time. When we're fighting it's like she's a totally different person, and I hate that person. I love my mom and because of this and the fact that I KNOW her, it's easy to defend her when we aren't fighting. We have a blast when we're not fighting. We're really goofy, we hang out and shop or play games. We're a normal mother and daughter.
It could be menopause. Silly question, but, she had a hysterectomy. Would she still go through menopause?
This has been going on for years and years tho, so I doubt that would be the whole reason. She was in counseling for several years but stopped 3 years ago when we moved. There would be no way she would return to counseling.
I was also in therapy for years. And was hospitalized in a psych ward when I was 15 after attempting suicide and hurting myself. I spent years completely miserable and battling severe depression.
Except for the fighting with my parents, this is the happiest I have ever been. The days we fight tho bring me right back to my 15 year old self who would do anything to not have to feel.

Sorry for the long ramble. I just wanted to give you an idea of my background with my parents.
 

whitelop

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This is the best I have gotten along with my parents probably ever. There's only maybe 1 big fight every week or 2 which is a lot better than it was.
I don't think my parents are mad about my upcoming marriage or the living situation. It was my parents' idea for us to live here when we're married to save money. It was also their idea (and we happily agreed) for us to build on the property. When we bought the farm, it was a group decision. My fiancé works for my parents on the farm part-time. My parents adore my fiancé and have even set up a bedroom for him for whenever he wants to stay the night.
Everyone is okay with the living situation. No one had to be persuaded or compromise or anything.
This is suspicious to me. Only because I know what its like to have controlling parents and/or in-laws. Sometimes there are subconscious things making you do the things you do. I think the people do things for great reasons, but they also do things to suit their own agenda's. So in the case you guys living with your parents after you're married, thats just a way to control you and the situation. Building on the property is another way to control the situation. Hell, for all you know, they'll start charging you rent when you're married.
I could be way wrong, but from what you've said about your mom telling your fiance things behind your back or whatever, thats suspicious and strange. My mom never said anything to my husband about me like that. Nor did my father.

I think when you live in a turbulent household like that, its best to get out. You're ultimately going to do whatever you want to do but personally, I don't think its healthy to stay in a place like that. Where there is already so much damage done, sometimes you can't undo that damage.

And I only say these things, because your mom sounds like my FIL. My FIL will tell you, "oh I want you to live in our house so you can save up for whatever and its a nice house, I won't live here, I'll be in Chicago" one day, then the next day its "oh, you guys can live here, but I'm going to live here with you and you're going to pay me rent. But I'm still going to help you out because it will be less rent than other places." So is that going to happen with your parents? Are they going to say everything is find and dandy one day, then one day, you're paying a ton of money for rent to suit their needs? You need to make sure you think everything through before you make any super serious decisions. Don't put yourself in a spot that you can't get out of.

And when she had a hysterectomy, she would have gone through instant menopause because she was losing the estrogen producing thing!
 

PaGal

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I agree with Morgan. From what you have said everyone in your family are dealing with their own issues. I have dealt myself throughout my life with my own issues and with the issues of family members so I am not putting anyone down.

I would never live in the situation you are in, not at the point in life I am at. I have learned that it is just not worth all of the upset or drama.

As Morgan has asked are you sure your parents will not later try to charge you rent? Will they try to have you kicked off of the property when you get into a fight in the future? Can you really trust them to do the right thing when it comes to you and your fiancé? What if the fights get worse over time and come more frequently?

I say all of this only because I do not want to see you or your fiancé hurt in any way down the road because you love your parents.
 

Bville

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I still really think you need to get your own place with your fiance (and it seems like others agree). Are you totally against that idea? You could plan it for after you get married so it's kind of a natural next step in your life.
 

geekgirl101

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Move out. It's the best thing for you and your fiance. Just don't announce moving out on a day when you and your mother have had an argument or she could backfire and lock you out, and when you do announce moving out don't make it sound like it's because of her but because you and your fiance feel it's time you had your own independence and space. Also make sure you announce it after finding a property so that if your mother flips out and throws you out then you at least have somewhere to move to.

In regards to new furniture you can seek out charities and other organizations into finding cheap or free furniture. You can also try Freecycle USA, there's lots of people with junk they no longer want and cba to sell it and are willing to give it away for free. This will be very helpful for furnishing a new home, just don't get a 2nd hand bed though. Set money aside for that and try bartering with an independent bed factory and they could offer you a decent bed that won't cost the earth.
 
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geekgirl101

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Just as a note I had similar problems as a teen, my mother was going through menopause and I often got yelled at and was beaten up several times for talking back to her. I started spending days out outside the town looking for properties and seeking help from housing associations. They showed me a fairly decent house and I was quite happy with it, we arranged for me moving in and I was given the keys to the property. I then went home and waited for a day when my mother was calm. Since I had been out house hunting for a few days we didn't have chance to argue, and then when I told her I was moving she was a little taken aback but it seemed that in her voice there was a "thank god and good riddance, now you'll get to learn what it's like living in your own place." She was willing to find properties with me and I told her I already had one, and she was like "oh..." which was more like "oh, you already planned this ahead and don't need my help, you really are going to move out... and leave me alone..." Some friends from church helped me pick up my belongings the next day and my mother let me take some furniture like my bed and wardrobe. We just packed everything into a car and trailer so it could be done on one trip. I then went to a local charity for people on benefits needing furniture the next day and got myself a decent sofa and chair for a couple of pounds. Some friends gave me a bedside table and over time I was filling up my home with furniture bought from charities or freebies from friends. There wasn't much but it was a start until I could afford to replace them with new things.

My relationship with my mother improved a great deal after moving out. She suddenly turned from this hot-tempered angry woman into a best friend, more like an older sister. We spent some days out together but I kept my visits to a minimum to avoid us getting to a point where she'd unload her frustrations on me, so I stayed around for about 2 or 3 hours and then decided it was time I got going before it got too late. About a year or two later she was telling me how much she missed having me around at home and having someone to help her out.
 
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DogCatMom

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Just two small points.

1) a hysterectomy doesn't necessarily send a woman into "instant menopause." I had one quite a while back, but since only my uterus had to come out, no menopause. The ovaries are what generate the estrogen, and unless it's an "ovariohysterectomy" (a term you'll only hear from the surgeon!), it's not the surgery.

2) think about the effect of these screaming fits and the ugly behind-the-scenes dynamics with Dear Old Dad, Brother, and all of it on your (future) young children. If you live on the property and Mom comes over and starts screaming in front of a child, what then?

give it a good think.
 

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