This post will be mostly rambling, so if you skip it you won't miss anything exciting. It's Sunday night and I'm in bed. I should be sleeping but obviously I am not. My anxiety has been really bad this weekend. :X
When I feel like this it is totally not productive and I accomplished so little this weekend. Now I'm headed into another long work week even further behind. I'm hoping if I blog it out I will feel at least enough relief to get to sleep. I have an early meeting at work tomorrow. Even worse, it is at head quarters so I have to dress up. :rollseyes
So, why do I feel like I'm running a marathon on the inside?
1- Work
2- Home
3- Health
2-Home- Our house is a mess.
It is just so cluttered I would be totally embaressed if anyone saw it. The rabbit houses are the cleanest part because I refuse to get backed up with cleaning up after the animals. That must get done every day no matter how I feel. After the basic feeding, watering, cleaning of the pets is done I tend to be worn out. There's dishes stacking up because that is sapposed to be Joshua's job. The laundry is my fault. During the summer Joshua has camps so he's working full time. It's hard enough to get him to clean in the winter when he's only really working about 20 hours a week. When he's doing camps it's impossible. I get so angry and resentful that he doesn't help out around the house more. He has admitted to being lazy. Emotionally he is my rock and I wouldn't know what to do without him, but some days it is so tempting to find out. I know that a lot of the anger towards him is displaced because I hate myself for not being good enough.
I should be able to keep up with eveything, but I can't even get started lately. I didn't do anything above taking care of the pets this weekend. The only laundry I did was bunny sheets (Indy is still working on the potty training so I use sheets on top of plastic so he won't ruin the rug). I escaped into watching tv then felt horrible for doing it. I should have been cleaning in the kitchen or bedroom. If we didn't have so much stuff perhaps everything would stay cleaner? If we only had two plates would we really wash them after dinner? I can't live like this, it makes me crazy! I worry so much that I'm going to let the house get horrible like my mother and grandmother. Both of them could have been on hoarders. I don't ever want to let things get that bad. I inherited the anxiety and depression, the family passes on a legacy of self loathing. Is that enough to make it happen? What if I'm slowly starting to be like them? It makes me want to throw everything I own away. I can not ever let myself get like them. Yet somehow I can't get myself to have a nice, clean house either. I know there are people who live in pretty, decorated, nice homes. I want to be like that. I don't want to be cluttered. Joshua has so many books and just stuff that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of stuff that isn't even mine.
The more I try to force him to get rid of stuff the more he diggs his heels in. It feels so helpless and like things are never going to change so why even bother trying?
3-Health- I have fibromyalgia and several other connected issues. Sometimes I feel like that is just an excuse for being lazy. I shouldn't whine and fuss about being tired and sore all the time. There are so many that are much worse off than I am. I need to loose weight and exercise more so I can feel better. I feel guilty if I go to the gym and spend the time and energy on myself rather than cleaning. But if I go home I feel guilty about paying for a gym membership I don't use. I am so tired of doctors and of being judged for being fat.
If I just had more will power I could change, but I just don't. Particularly when I hurt and all the pressure is pushing on me from everything else, food is soothing. Food doesn't judge me or tell me I should be more. I'm trying so hard to hug my bunnies rather than eat. It's a very hard habbit to break. Most days I just push through the day the best I can until I can come home to my kids.
I really don't think I would still be alive without the cats and rabbits, they are my reason for living. I go to work to give them a good life. I went grocery shopping so I could give them good, fresh food. I feel so blessed that they are here. I can hug Becky and cry if I need to, she will give me kisses. Cindi has turned into a kisser too. There's something so soothing, like they are telling me it will be ok, not to worry. My babies have been through so much that I feel like I have to suck it up and keep going. Poor Indy is missing an eye and deaf! Yet he still loves to explore and has such a zest for life. I also feel my biological clock ticking. I know if I am ever going to have a child it needs to be soon. I'm conflicted if it's a good idea or not. They physical and emotional strain may be too much. What if I screw them up? I don't want to hurt a child the way my upbringing hurt me. I feel so defective that a child would be embaressed to have me as their mother. At least I have my bunny babies, they never mind if I'm having a bad day. They will lay in bed with me and snugg until the pain is gone.
I know I need to rely on God more. It is so hard to trust that God will take care of me when so many times in the past he let me get hurt. How can a loving God let a child be abused by the family that should have been safe? I try to tell myself that there are lessons in my life that I need to learn, but I'm tired of struggling all the time. I know in so many ways I have been blessed, but at the same time the pressure is so much. Change is so hard. I'm afraid to make mistakes because the punishment is so harsh.
I'm finally tired. I feel like I have spewed it all out. Tomorrow night I need to load the pictures I took and take some more. I want to share my lovely babies with everyone. Goodnight.
ray:
