Need to vent...

So I am 23 and I still live with my parents. I've gone through alot in my life, from living with a mentally ill brother, as well as a severely disabled brother (who passed away in 2005). Also, my dad is suffering from a basically terminal illness and my mom had open heart surgery last year. I have Bipolar, Anxiety, PTSD and OCD and require medication. My mentally ill brother has always been a skilled manipulator/liar/abuser/fill-in-the-blank and last year right after my mom's surgery he "borrowed" hundreds of dollars worth of items from me and my parents and kept some for himself, and sold the rest. We didn't hear from him for several months, and he only contacted my dad when he got arrested and needed bail money. My family has been broke for quite some time. My dad is on disability, my mom doesn't work, and I make $5 an hour. My dad has also been one to give in to my brother, no matter what our finances are like. He has said before that he would sacrifice the house and the rest of the family to get money to my brother. My dad only really interacts with me when my brother isn't around. I can be a few feet away from him telling my mom that I don't feel like he loves me or even cares about me and she'll say "he cares about you...he just has his priorities" and he won't correct her or I because he knows that it's true. He also went missing last summer and before he left he said he was going to kill himself and that his blood was on me and my mom's hands.
Lately living at home has gotten worse than usual. I don't even feel like I am an adult because of the way my home life is. On a regular basis I get reprimanded about my room being messy and my parents control my finances (I wanted another horse and had the money to afford it and they said that I can't get another animal while living at home, even though I would be boarding it elsewhere.) I am not allowed to drink on the property and my mom searches my room whenever she feels like it. I know I am still their "child" but it really does effect me being treated the same way I was treated when I was in Junior High and High School. And the fact that my dad will do whatever it takes to get money for my brother, but yet I'm going to have to apply for food stamps because we are so broke. I told my mom the other day that I was going to move out and it started a big fight. I can't afford an apartment (and I have 2 goats that live with me so an apartment wouldn't work) so really my only option would be to live with my boyfriend. He is an awesome guy and he would take me and all my animals in a heartbeat. I just don't want to have to deal with constant fights between me and my parents if I were to move in with my boyfriend (they don't approve of living together before marriage).
II just don't know what to do. I want to go into counseling to get some support and advice on everything I'm going through and have gone through, but we can't afford that either.
I need to figure something out though before I completely lose my mind...

Just know that you are never alone. I think that's the worst thing when we go through hard times--feeling so darn alone. I also live with my parents, but fortunately they are supportive and caring. I'm 20, just moved back from an awful apartment, and I'm still having a hard time adjusting. I can't imagine going through this with all the other things and not having the support from my parents.
You are obviously strong from having lived with it for so long. Do what YOU have to do to keep sane. I would normally say "their house, their rules" but it sounds like they have NO respect or boundaries. My parents knock on my bedroom door and only go in if I know about it (or they're checking on the buns for me when I'm out.) I would say that you probably need to find a way to move out. All of these issues can't be helping your anxiety and such. You need to find an environment where you thrive, and this obviously isn't it.
If you are fighting with your mom about moving out, I would do it slowly. Since your boyfriend is welcoming, bring stuff over to his house every few days or at a slow enough pace that your mom wouldn't notice.
It sounds like you also need to be regularly seeing someone--which, I might add, is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Try contacting your local health services department and see where you can get low-cost services. I am very lucky and go to school, so I get free services through that.
There is always hope and it will get better. It sounds like you are just stuck in a place that is dragging you down, and the sooner you get out, the sooner you can be happy.
Good luck!

Usually you can get some free or low-cost counseling from a church or a hospital [like grief counseling] , or maybe job counseling would give some help.

It's interesting that it sounds as though living together is worse than stealing, to your parents. But perhaps the bf could take the larger animals & you could find a roommate or room in a family's home.

That is so tough. Like kkiddle said, you are NEVER alone. Seeing someone go through something like this breaks my heart, because I can somewhat relate. When I first moved out right after I turned 20 (on good terms with my parents, surprisingly) I thought I was doing myself the favor of throwing myself in the cold world where I would learn to become an adult on my own. I convinced myself that I needed it and that I was doing the right thing. Wow, did I mature quickly! However, I moved in with a couple that were considered my best friends. They had been together for nearly 8 years and little did I know how manipulative Rob (name has been changed) would be toward his fiancee and I. He was so manipulative that I had no idea I was being abused mentally, physically until I finally moved out 10 months later. I believe I am suffering PTSD because of what happened under that roof.

A week before Christmas, I found out that Rob discovered he had a brain tumor the size of a golf-ball behind his eye. He was scheduled for surgery a couple days before Christmas. After he arrived home from the hospital, he had a seizure on Christmas. I found out that he had mostly forgotten about everything that happened when I was living in his apartment. He barely remembered me or even his fiancee. In a way, it hurts to think that the one who hurt you most forgot about the terrible things that happened - but you can't easily forget them as they did.

I don't want to drag on and play "pity me", but I want to let you know you are NOT alone and if you need to talk to anyone, I'm here and you can private message me if you want. It's good to talk to people who relate to your situations in some way. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Be strong.
:heartbeat:

TThanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Things were getting better since my dad left for Illinois for 2 months.
But tonight I mentioned to my mom that I was going to file a police report against my brother to try and get the rest of my stuff back and get him to replace the stuff of mine that he sold (he told my mom the other day that he gave me back what he had left of mine. the rest he left at his old apartment--WITH his dog who he left there TO DIE--and he sold the rest). And she proceeded to yell at me and say that she didn't want me doing that because he is "making progress". Maybe I am an idiot, but I just don't see it. Not even counting his criminal record that he had when living with us in Illinois (which included being locked up for building a bomb to blow up one of his teachers, which he built when he was home "babysitting" my 12 year old self and my severely disabled brother and several reports of domestic disturbances/violence), in the past 2 years he has been arrested once for a MAJOR case of domestic violence against his now ex-fiance, and then his last arrest was for domestic violence against his current fiance, and the police report filed for animal cruelty for leaving his dog to literally starve to death at his old apartment when he moved out. To me that doesn't seem like progress, but oh well. Antime I state the obvious, my dad yells at me and asks why I'm so dead set on putting my brother back in jail. And now my mom is starting to sound like him. It's so ridiculous. My mom says that I'm allowed to get mad about it, but when I do I get treated like I'm being a selfish brat. So I keep it in until I explode which usually results in me hurting myself by punching things or breaking things. When I mentioned moving in with my boyfriend, my mom said that she would be extremely disappointed in me and that she expected more from me and holds me to higher standards than she does my brother.
Sorry for yet another rant, i'm just really having a hard time.... :cry2

Sometimes we should give people a chance to change, and sometimes continuing to put up with bad behavior is just enabling that person to continue with the bad behavior. I don't really know, but it sounds to me that your parents are to the point where they are just enabling your brothers bad behavior, and preventing him from facing up to his own bad choices and being responsible for the consequences. There's no saying he ever will face the consequences of his actions and take responsibility for them, but your parents coddling him certainly won't help at all.

It's parents protecting their kid blindly. It doesn't seem likely they will admit to themselves what he is in a hurry. I think they're taking you for granted; you're always going to be there, they can always fall back on you, you're always going to be part of their life; the 'good' kid they can rely on. He isn't. He's in, and out, all the time, and they don't want to lose the in time.

They shouldn't be controlling your finances. Tell them up front that if you stay, you need your rights; you're free, white, and 21 as the saying goes. If they really expect more from you, then they should treat you like an adult.


Your dad sounds like a fantastic manipulator.