Rant about my sis.

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Runestonez

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:XMy sis and her hubby are always fighting. My hubby and I can't stand being around them at all...it's like nails on a chalk board. My hubby and I never fight and being near them is really stressful...it makes the hair on the back of our necks stand on end. On X-mas eve last year I had to go to their house and clean up the destruction form their latest 'episode' and put my 5 year old neice back to bed...she was crying in the dark. Long story short(er) all the phones were destroyed, and I had to wash the walls and floor. She had almost broken his nose and he had given her a black eye. I didn't say anything. I helped them clean up and went home. I cut their hair for free all the time. I babysit for free. And I have had enuff. I watch them treat their kids like crap, fight, yell and in general just make a mess of their lives. :X They of course live right across the street from me. I live at #38 they live at #39. A little too close thank you much! She has developed this little habit of taking the kids away when she gets mad at me cause she know it hurts us to not see our neice and nephew. So Hubby and I talked it over and decided to take a step back and walk away from the whole situation. We aren't helping the kids this way...they get hurt when they can't see us and it hurts us too.:( We cut the strings---no more money, no more free ride. Done, finished. Of course now I can't see the kids. :tears2:Does anyone else have family like this?? She has called me everything under the sun. I am apparently the worst person in the world! <big sigh> I don't care if she likes me...but I miss the kids.:(
 
i understand exactlyhow you feel.. family can be tough to get along with.. we live in a VERY small neighborhood.. only 5 houses.. and we're related to all of them.. .. weve bought them cars when they needed them..didnt make them pay us back at all..and then a few months later they get angry and bring back the car (in worse condition).. then a few more months later theyre complaining to usthat they dont have a car:X..they dont have kids thank goodness, but theytreat there poor animals like crapone of them has a dog thats been chained in the mud for 6+ yrs:(..theyre always borrowing money and stuff..and some of them do act likejerkssometimesand are hard to get along with :foreheadsmack:
 
I thought about child services--if I did call not much would happen.:( If the parentswent for councelling the kids would be back with them again and things would just carry on as they are now.(that's if they actually removed the kids from the home in the first place) I'm actually afraid that it would make things worse for my neice. Neither of them would dare to hurt the kids while they are within a hundred miles of my hubby and I. (I spent my childhood getting the crap beat out of me by my mom. I won't tolerate that for the kids!) My sis and her hubby were warned by myself,my hubby and my dadwhat would happen if our neice or nephew were ever injured by them.:X Unfortunately it's the whole "can't do anything until they step over the line." The law doesn't protect kids from immature parents...if they hit the kids it would be obvious and steps can be taken. Mental abuse is hard to prove.:X I feel like my hands are tied.:(
 
Maybe you can approach the kids somehow and let them know that they have a safe haven at your house whenever they need it.

And maybe write a letter to your sister explaining that you would like to help out the KIDS whenever possible.

Try to get it through her that you both want to do what's best for the kids.
 
Our neice is 6 years old and our nephew just turned 1. Our neice knows she can come to us anytime she needs us. (She doesn't know her own phone number but she knows ours! Smart girl!:)) But still she'll be the one who will get caught in the middle between her mom and I. :( Just nota happy situation.If her parents would just get a clue and realize what they are doing to the kids...but they are too much like children themselves!:X
 
We tried with the 'helping the kids' angle before but the parents really do what they can to abuse the situation. I would love if there was an easy way out of this. And I just know what she is saying toour neice about us.:( Yesterday was the absolute worst...I had just had enuff. She was so mad she wouldn't call to talk (if she gets mad she gets her daughter to call me instead so I can't say what I want to) so she started spamming the crap out of me...I finally had to put filters on my email to keep her out for awhile. Very immature.:X
 
Hi.

I've been in your shoes before and sadly your sisters shoes too.

My brother and his x-wife used to fight all the time, but she would get mad and take it out on the kids, she beat her children, mistreated them, left them in dirty dipaers for days until they fell off themselves, none of the kids were potty trained till they were 6 and one is now11 and sadly still wears pull ups ( she's autistic) because she can't go on her own, and this could have been prevented if they'd just taken time to potty train at all. Lots of things went on with these kids from abuse to se*ual abuse. I repeatledy called Social Servies for nearly 8 years and up until last year no one did anything about it. It took the autistic child getting her face blackened by her mom before the courts stepped in. Now she no longer has access to the kids and they are much happier and healthier.

BUT NOW.....

I have also been in your sisters shoes as I said. My husband and I fight, not often but it happens at least once every six months or so. Usually my kids are asleep and don't see anything or hear anything but it still happens. One of my family members thinks that because my kids are in that situation that it's child abuse and yet the children have nothing to do with it. My husband is an alcholic who is trying to get help but due to a brain tumor illness that is unable to be removed he has problems mentally and well it's hard to explain. When they went in to do a surgery to try to remove the tumor (which was not removable due to three of the main blood vessels of the tumor feeding off his brain) I think they tinkered with something because he's never been right ever since. He's moody and grouchy with no warning and then he can be as sweet as sunshine and not realize how he acted. Due to this problem a certain family member is concerned and wants to step in... but I feel it's none of that persons buisness.

So look at it from both sides... see if the kids are in real danger, mentallly, physically and emotionally and if they are step in. Don't offer to help her out at all, go to social services explain your situation and offer to take the kids in until the parents can get help. Either way remember something... your sister needs you right now to even if you don't realize it. She's probalby got a lot of feelings going on right now and doesn't know what to do about it. Be there emotionally for her.

((HUGS))

Sara
 
I hate to say this, but have you considered calling Child Services about this? It sounds like a very horrible situation for those children to be in, and you're right, you can't solve the problem, ultimately, so why not bring people in that can?

I'm not one to jump onto calling them unless I see that something really horrible is going on, and if the parents are both hitting each other, it's worth calling and having someone go over to check out the situation. You said yourself that she and her hubby treat the kids like crap...this is something you can do about it, and remain absolutely anonymous about it...it's the law that they protect the identity of the person that called.

Now, bear in mind, like I said, I would never recommend it if I didn't see by what you wrote that it's worth doing. I'm not one to jump into calling the police or any some such right away, but I definitely would if I saw a situation like that occuring!

Hugs to you and yours...it must be so hard seeing something like that happening to those you love. My special BIG hugs and love to those little ones that are involved...I hope someone does something soon...they really can help quite a lot, and they would most likely give you and your husband temporary custody instead of taking them to a foster home. They would much rather keep the stress at a minimum in situations like that, and at least they would be safe. I just can't see two people treating EACH OTHER like that, and doing NOTHING to the kids. :( If nothing else, they stand the chance of being abusive to others when they're older, and that's no good for anyone. This would curb that from happening, and help them be able to feel safe again. I'm sure they're scared out of their wits about all this, and just too afraid to ask for help.

I'm so sorry for your situation...I hope and pray their lives improve...:( Please do something like that, though...protect those kids, since you can't do anything to change their parents. It's your responsibility since being involved in the situation...ya know?

Love to you!! :) Be brave...it's the right thing to do! :hug2:grouphug

Edit: Okay, now that I've read what others have said, and your responses...I wanted to add a little something. What about talking to the kids (at least your neice, who seems to be quite alert and understands what you're saying to her), and letting them know that if someone comes over to their house (from Child Services, or the Police), that they're perfectly safe letting them know what's going on? Will she tell her mother that you've talked to her about it? Is there any way AT ALL to get her the information without her mother knowing?

I only ask because I lived in a very horrible situation with my own family for YEARS, and no one ever tried to step in and rescue us kids...and it was so horrible feeling that helpless without anyone trying to help. Part of the problem was that we weren't allowed to talk about our home life with anyone, and our stepmother listened to our phone conversations and proofread all our outgoing mail and incoming mail to be sure nothing like that was occurring, so we had no way to let anyone know. Since you know, maybe there's some sort of way to get a note or something to your neice (I don't know her age, but it's a thought) to let her know?
 
Also, since I now cannot edit my first note...lol...

I think that's a good idea, letting them know when you call that the kids are perfectly fine residing with you as a foster-type situation. They would much prefer something like that than putting them in a foster home.

Another thing, in trying to communicate with your neice, do you know anyone that is still allowed in the household that would be perfectly secretive that you can ask to communicate to your neice that you're trying to help her and to not feel scared or that her mother will be able to do anything if she lets police or Child Services know what's happening?

Heck, maybe you could even try to get on your sister's good side again, just to be able to be there again next time, and take pictures somehow without her knowing, or posing as if it's just for recording purposes for her own safety (know what I mean?) in case she ever wants to do a restraining order. That way you have some sort of proof of things. I don't mean to really work things out or go back to letting them walk all over you, but maybe as a temporary thing until you get proof. Does that make sense? I've had to do that before just for my own safety when I was living with my dad, and my stepsister had MANY past instances of being on drugs, etc...I befriended her initially when she wasn't doing any drugs (for the time being) so I would know when it was time for me and my daughter to get the heck out of the household, and did as soon as I knew she was getting heavily back into drugs again. It saved me and my daughter lots of grief, believe me!! The only reason I moved in with him was so I could save money as then a single mom so we could get our own place...it was the only place we could go. Yes, I had to be deceitful, but it was for my daughter's safety and well-being, and since we were stuck there, I had to do what I had to do, ya know? I think your neice's situation warrants the same kind of action.

Let me know if you need any help thinking of what to do, or how to go about things, ok? I'm totally here for you and would love to help in any way I can!! :)

Hugs!!!
 
Thanks HeavenlyShelties:)

I understand what my sis and her hubby are going through... in the past 6 years I have really tried to be there for them. But I have my limits too.:(

When my sis got pregnant she went home toour dad, who turned my old room into a gorgeous nursery for my neice. When my dad refused to let her have her new boyfriend sleep over(a different guy not the babies dad...she said it didn't matter anymore since she had already gotten pregnant anyway), she got mad and took the baby and left. I found them living in a 1 room roach motel. There was mould all over the ceiling and the baby could only play on the bed because the floors were were so gross she got all dirty.:( My mom came to Tony and I all weeping and crying about how sick the baby was. She had gotten a respirtory infection from the mould. My mom paid for the meds to treat the baby, and my hubby and I who had just bought a house a few months before redid the whole basement into a 2 roomapartment so they could stay with us until they could save a bit of money to get their own place. Now fast forward a year. My hubby and I were fighting all the time now because all we could hear was the two downstairs chipping away at each other. Finally my hubby told them that they had stayed long enuff(it was only supposed to be a few months) and that they needed to get up and look for a new place. We gave them3 months. He told the bf that he respected him for sticking withmy sisand the baby and doing his best for them but we had a life too and it was time they made their own. Well that went over like a lead balloon. The bf refused to look for a place. He liked not having to pay much for rent and not having to do any work around the house like shovel snow or rake leaves. Finally I got mad and started looking for places for them. I called the one place, did the interview over the phone...lying and saying I was actually my sis...I passed the interview and set up the date/time for them to look at the townhouse. Her bf decided he wasn't moving in. He didn't want to. So we told them they had till such a date and then they would be evicted. So they finally moved. We had spent the better part of a year housing, feeding, clothing and babysitting for them. And after they moved we still paid for their stuff. They can afford anything they want and then sit around and wait for us to look after their kids. We wait every year for the phone call at Christmas and on their b-days to see what and how much we are getting for the kids...then we get a suplemental list of things we should get for them...all expensive. :( Finally this year I have just had enuff. They had another baby even though they are going thru all this stuff together and they are still looking to my hubby and I to look after them. My hubby and I can't have kids so they see it as a perfect situation for them...cause if we don't have kids then we obviously have the cash to look after our neice and nephew. This is why we have decided to step away. At this rate things never will get better for the kids. The two of them need to grow up and they won't while they have us to look after them. My hope is that they can make a better life for all of them or if they can't they each go their seperate waysand still that wouldn't be all bad. Chances are my sis would end right back up in our basement again...but there you have it.:(

Thanks Maherwoman!:)

The only problem I can see is that I DON'T want the kids to go to a foster home. Childrens Services wouldn't let the kids come here! We have a 2 bedroom house and zero room. I am on disability for a back injury and wouldn't be able to look after the kids on my own. Even if we did try to take them in then I run into the problem of our mother. She would do everything in her power to get the 2 kids. She has a better income, she has a really large house and she is the most underhanded, maniacal headcase you would ever want to see. :( The kids aren't being beaten or anything right now. Mostly it is the head games that my sis and her hubby like to play as well as listening to/seeing them fight. I grew up getting the living daylights beat out of me by my mother. She was always careful to never leave visable marks so no one ever knew. My gym teacher found out once becasue I was so badly beaten my gym uniform wouldn't cover the marks. I was black from the back of my neck to just above the back of my knees. I shudder to think what would happen if she got a hold of the kids instead of me.And it is a very real possibility. I know it sounds crappy to say...but there are worse things in the world than being yelled at. And literally sis and her hubby watch their steps as far as the kids are concerned. It is just the constant fighting. I wish they didn't have to grow up with that.:(

The system doesn't always work. Sad to say. And I don't know how willing I am to take the chance with my neice and nephews life. :(
 
Oh, Runestones, I understand completely where you're coming from. Now hearing exactly the situation (well, enough to understand), I totally understand what you mean when you say that calling Child Services won't help. I know now why you say that, and completely understand.

I wouldn't want my daughter to go to my mother, either. She's verbally badly abused me most of my life, and I subsewuently haven't been in contact with her for two years. She never hit me (except twice being slapped, but that's not huge), but she sure manipulated me (wound up not seeing a dime of my hard-earned paychecks at one point) and cut me down badly. It was horrible, and I wouldn't my daughter (or any other child) having to live through the same experience.

So, in my case, it's not physical abuse, but it's not life, either. So, I get completely what you mean.

I hope that things work out and your sister just grows the heck up SOON. I feel for her kids that she uses them like she does...that's aweful...

My hugs to you and yours, and to those little cuties...

:hug::grouphug:heartbeat


 
What a horrible situation. But you should try to go to the city services to help the kids.
Even reading about it makes me all freaked out that things like that can happen.
 
For those of you who posted I wanted to update you on what has happened.

I got a call from my sis last weekend. Her hubbyhadbeaten her again and was on a rampage. The kidswere still in the house(she had escaped to a friendshouse)and she was panicked and wanted them out.This time I had had enuff. Long story short I called thepolice and they went in with me. I took the kids home with meand he was cuffed and takenaway. He has beencharged with assault and got to spend 4 days in the Milton DetentionCenter. He now has to go to court. My neice and hermomare in councelling, my nephew is OK and Family andChildrens services is keeping an eye on them. Their fatherwas cheating and was eventually bailed out of jail by his girlfriendand is no longer in the house. Until the charges are settledhe has no access to the kids. My sis is struggling for moneyand is trying to keep her townhouse...my hubby and I are helping wherewe can but we are refusing to give her money still. I don'tknow if I made the right decision...but it was the best oneavailable. I couldn't sit by and let this continue.The good news is that all the agencies that couldn't help before haveall stepped in now and the kids should be better off for it.Things are harder for my sis since she is being forced to move by herlandlord and she has to pay all the bills until the courts force thefather to kick in money. But I hope by Christmas things willhave settled down and everyone can start to get on with their livesagain!:)

Thanks to those of you who lent their support. It made all the difference when push came to shove!:)

Dani
 
Oh I'm so glad that the worst is over and thatcreep can't touch your sister or the kids again. Good for you, withstepping up to the plate and helping out. I hope everything can settleand they can all make a fresh start.

:hug:
 
Thanks Jordi! The best news is that wehave a zero tolerance law here for domestic violence. Thecharges can't be dropped. He will have to answer for hisstupidity.
 
I just wanted to give you this
36_1_67.gif
for allthat you have been going through. I am also very happy thathe does not have access to those kids anymore. I truely hopethat your sister is able to get herself up. I hope that itworks out best for the kids, your sister and you and your husband.
 
I don't know if I made the rightdecision...but it was the best one available. I couldn't sitby and let this continue.
Dani, I just read your story, andit sounds like you made avery difficult decision; and obviously the best one for all concerned.A great many children brought up in that kind of environment tend to goon and repeat the scenarios in their adult lives (which is one reasonwhy so many women who are abused as children either remain in anabusive relationship with a partner when they are adults, or theyrepeatedly find partners that are abusive...it is a form offamiliarity, and oddly enough; a sense of comfort, for they learn toequate love with violence, or sexual abuse, or verbal abuse -- whateverit is they were subjected to when they were little). The cycle cancontinue from generation to generation, until something is done to makeit stop.

Hopefully your sister will benefit from all of this. It will be hardfor her for a while, but I'm sure that living with such anger andnegative aspects constantly wasn't easy either. But it will get easierfor her, and better, if she decides to help herself, and if shebelieves that she is worth it. And the children most definitely willbenefit from all of this as well. Your decisioncertainly didthem a world of good, and it is something that so many are frightenedto do...taking that step to intervening for the sake of the children.You truly are an angel to them.

:rose:
 
Oh I'm so glad you stepped in! Itreally took a lot of guts, but you just made a really positivedifference in their lives. Especially the kids.Growing up in that kind of environment does all sorts of bad things totheir heads. They deserve better, and so does your sister.

Big hugs! :hug2:
 

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