Recent content by DJSpanky

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. I told her: "If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord."

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colorful language.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

I hate insects puns: they really bug me.

Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.

Does that explain why I can be my own grandpappy?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering: do I keep the letters?