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Old 08-29-2017, 10:15 PM   #161
Nancy McClelland
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A bullfrog goes to a bank and asks for a loan, but all he has for collateral is a ceramic elephant Unsure of what to do, the loan officer, Mr. Paddywag asks his boss for advice. His boss does not hesitate with a reply: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywag, give the frog a loan."


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Old 09-24-2017, 09:11 PM   #162
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Just for you Nancy (as I also have been holding those jokes these many years but also have 1 more):

Astronauts land on an alien planet and see herds of little round furballs all scurrying in one direction. (No, they weren't after craisins. :-P ) Curious, they followed them into a cave where there stood a 9' tall furball with a hypodermic needle on it's head.

"Are you the leader?" One of the astronauts asked.

Came the reply "No. I'm the furry with the syringe on top." (The Surrey With the Fringe On Top)

If you got this, thank a senior! :-)


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Old 09-25-2017, 12:20 AM   #163
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I have a lot more, too, but the wife said to take it easy on everyone here!
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Old 12-29-2017, 12:34 AM   #164
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Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes a large portion of noodles into his bowl, and tops it with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Meanwhile, Luke is using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping food all over. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
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Old 12-29-2017, 03:06 AM   #165
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.

The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.

The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.

The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.

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The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"

15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"

The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."

The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"

The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."

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Dean, to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

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A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

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Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

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Old 01-05-2018, 05:05 PM   #166
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A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast at Christmas time. After looking over the menu he orders eggs Benedict. When his breakfast arrives,iti's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "what's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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Old 01-06-2018, 09:02 PM   #167
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Old 01-10-2018, 01:05 AM   #168
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The Pope dies, and goes to heaven, of course. He waits in a very long line to talk to St Peter. When he finally makes it to the head of the line, Peter shakes his hand and welcomes him to heaven. Next, Peter shows him to his simple little room and tells him he's very busy and that they can talk later when things settle down. After a while he hears a great deal of noise and goes outside where he see's Peter loading up a guy into a gigantic limo, drives him up to meet God on his throne and then drops him off at a huge mansion. Later when he meets up with Peter he questions him about what he saw. In life I was the Pope and new all the important people on Earth but I didn't recognize that guy, so, why such lavish treatment? It's like this says Peter, we have lots of Pope's here, but he's our first lawyer!
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:36 PM   #169
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Nancy, you forced me to do this: I was holding it back but can't any longer. :-P

2 brothers died in a car crash and one -Frank Sam- went to heaven while the other -Sam Frank- went to hell. After many centuries God told Frank Sam he'd been not only exemplary but also his harp playing had pleased Him greatly so he'd grant him a wish.

"Well, I'd really like to visit my brother" Frank Sam said. God agrees, telling him to go ahead but be back in 6 hours.

Frank Sam gets down there and his brother's running this amazing discotheque. Everysoul there is dancin' & jammin' & just having a helluva time. (Punintended.) Frank Sam is jammin' along having such a great time he loses track of it and suddenly realizes he's late. Bidding his brother a hasty adieu he races back to heaven.

There stands St. Peter, looking upset. "Frank Sam, you're late!" he exclaims. "And where's your harp?!?"

"I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco."
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:25 PM   #170
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Bob, Bill and Jim are riding their motorcycles on hiway 1. They pull out to pass a car on a blind hill and are hit by a truck and killed. They wake up, in Hell, with the Devil standing over them. He tells them that it is getting quite crowded here, so, if they can give him a task he can't perform he will let them resume their life on Earth. Bob looks around and sees a boulder as big as a house so he bets the Devil he can't pick it up. The Devil picks it up and tosses it out of site and into the pit goes Bob.Bill nervously looks around and sees a river of lava, so he tells the devil to make it flow backward. The devil snaps his fingers, the lava flows backward and Bob goes into the pit. The Devil looks at Jim who has a huge grin on his face, and reminds him of how serious this is and he doesn't want to join his friends in the pit. Jim looks right at old Scratch, lifts his leg, and lets loose with a loud fart. He then tells the devil, "catch that and paint it green!" Milyvan and the devil made me do it--and there's almost 7 decades of this kind of corn stored between my ears!


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